AIBU to be a stroppy SIL over this?

[TheStroppySIL]

DH and I got married in our 20's, 3 years before SIL. When we got married we were told that PIL couldn't contribute towards it and they all cried over it. In the end, they gave DH just under 1K and didn't buy us a wedding gift. SIL gave DH loads of grief over this money. We had a very small wedding. At this point, it sounds like I am grabby, but let me further explain.

Then SIL got married and PIL gave her 20K (20+ years ago this was a lot) and she had the most unbelievable wedding in a location we all had to travel to and pay to stay at. A few months later they separated and it turned out she didn't want to get married to her DH, she just wanted her big day. Her words.

Now SIL is getting married again and wants an even bigger shebang which is going to cost everyone loads of money to travel to again. PIL have been asked to contribute, and will probably give her quite a lot. FYI this is not a cultural thing. They are British but seem to have a very old-fashioned attitude towards weddings. I get that, but it is very disproportionate IMO.

I am quite pissed off about this. I think SIL is a serious CF'er and needs to be told. She is now 50 and she acts like a child. Our PIL have never done a single thing for us. MIL has never even babysat her own DGC. I do way more for them and am always being roped into making birthday cakes for everyone, hosting Christmas and Easter and cooking Sunday lunch etc. I'm sick of it.

PIL are really not loaded but have a bit of a buffer after scrimping and saving over years. If it was my sibling I would be telling them to pay for their own wedding and stop tapping into my parents. Also, I think they treat my DH and his sis very disproportionately and I really don't like it. I'd love to tell them where to get off on his behalf.

The long and short of it is that this has really irritated me and I feel like just taking a massive step back and saying from now on I am not lifting a finger for any of them, nor am I spending any of my money on anything for them. In a way, I am glad because I don't owe any of them anything, but I am still really annoyed.

AIB a diva?

It's always been traditional that the father pays for his daughters wedding and not his sons. I know my parents bought my dress and my transport and my dm made the cake they didn't do the same for my two brothers although their wife's fathers paid for their weddings.

FYI this is not a cultural thing. They are British but seem to have a very old-fashioned attitude towards weddings.

Isn't having an old-fashioned attitude towards weddings the very definition of 'a cultural thing'? It is certainly 'cultural' for the bride's parents to pay for a wedding rather than the groom's family.

It's none of your business how much they choose to give to their daughter, so stay out of it. If she's a CF, just don't engage with her any more than you have to.

I would be embarrassed to have my parents paying for my 2nd wedding at the age of 50. But ultimately your PIL can spend their money however they want to.
It is unfair on your husband but I wouldn't get stroppy over this, youll just get accused of trying to wreck SIL happiness ETC. and it won't go well. Rather quietly withdraw, as other's have said , just be unavailable to host/bake cakes etc. Would your husband back you up in this approach?

I would politely decline any future cake making and keep your sleeves firmly rolled down when it comes to helping them.

They are not your responsibility and equally you have no right over their money so I would push any feelings regarding money aside.

Spend less time and energy on people that don't think much of you, and more time and energy on those that are actually fond of you.

By all means tell her she’s a spoiled CF but she will probably tell you it’s none of your business and she would be right. If your DH has a problem with it he should say something to his parents and obviously her if he wants. At the end of the day it probably won’t change anything though.

To everyone saying 'It's their money, they can spend it how they like' - of course they can - but let's just try to engage a little emotional intelligence to this subject matter. The parents are being grossly unfair and TBH fucking stupid if they don't think these kind of actions are going to cause collateral damage to the relationships of their other children.

The bride's family USED to pay for the wedding maybe 60 years ago and before, but seriously, not now, unless they are seriously minted. We got married over 10 years ago and both sets of parents contributed equally - which neither of us expected and we were extremely grateful. Come on everyone this 2021 and the bride in question is 50! She should be paying for her own wedding!

It's annoying and it's your DJ's inheritance they're spending on your sil but it's your pil's money .

Well no, while they are still alive, it's their money to do what they like with. It's not inheritance until they actually die.
Such a nice attitude.

@peachescariad

All this 'traditionally parents pay for daughter's wedding' bollocks...yes back in the 1950s. My parents and PIL both contributed the same amount money to our wedding, as they did for my DB and DS. PIL also did the same for their other DS and DD. You are not BU at all. SIL sounds vile and your PIL are weak and your DH should air his grievances to his parents; whatever the consequences....which sounds like that you'd both not miss much anyway.

My parents paid for their own wedding back in the 50s.

Admittedly they both lived at home until they married, but had both also worked full time since leaving school-why on earth would their parents be paying?

I've been married twice- no parents paid for either wedding.

I remember my sibling saying that they felt a bit sorry for my mum & dad "having to pay again"??!!

I mean if parents want to contribute/pay then that's up to them-but surely it isn't expected?

I don't think anyone could blame you for taking a step back if you've had enough, although surely what they spend on theit daughter's wedding is up to them?

As it is also up to you-what you spend & even if you go!

@Pipsquiggle

To everyone saying 'It's their money, they can spend it how they like' - of course they can - but let's just try to engage a little emotional intelligence to this subject matter. The parents are being grossly unfair and TBH fucking stupid if they don't think these kind of actions are going to cause collateral damage to the relationships of their other children.

The bride's family USED to pay for the wedding maybe 60 years ago and before, but seriously, not now, unless they are seriously minted. We got married over 10 years ago and both sets of parents contributed equally - which neither of us expected and we were extremely grateful. Come on everyone this 2021 and the bride in question is 50! She should be paying for her own wedding!

The groom is probably also about 50, he should be paying for his own wedding!

It sounds to be like they'd factored in saving for their daughter's wessing, as tradition dictates, but didn't feel obliged to pay towards their son's wedding and they saw that as your parents' responsibility.

Annoying for you, but it's up to them.

Where I do think YANBU is that they are now going to contribute to the second wedding of their 50 year old daughter. She's cheeky and entitled to expect it and they are mad to feel they should have to pay it.

I'm struggling to see how this is even remotely any of your business.

How would you not die of shame to have your elderly parents pay for your wedding at the ripe old age of 50?! Mind boggling.

You're not going to get anywhere with that point though, so I would just step right back. Don't host, don't be the emergency cake baker etc. Cordial but uninterested is the way to go.

@Alconleigh

How would you not die of shame to have your elderly parents pay for your wedding at the ripe old age of 50?! Mind boggling.

You're not going to get anywhere with that point though, so I would just step right back. Don't host, don't be the emergency cake baker etc. Cordial but uninterested is the way to go.

Or your new parents-in-law? As a 50 year-old man. How emasculating.

I wonder if paying for your daughter's wedding when she is 50 counts as deprivation of assets??

@Candyfloss99

They are probably wondering why your parent's didn't pay for your wedding, as is British tradition.

I got asked why my father wasn't offering to pay for my wedding once upon a time (I didn't actually bother to get married in the end, which was just as well). I didn't get angry or stroppy, I spoke very calmly and slowly so he could think about both the question and what he'd known for five years since I'd starting seeing his son.

'Because he's dead, Keith'.

YANBU to be annoyed at how differently they treat your DH and his sister.
YANBU to be annoyed that your SIL is a spoilt brat of a 50yo, who had expected and is again expecting everyone to fork out heaps of money for her to show off for the day.

It IS your PIL's choice to go along with it, so you need to let them spend their money the way they choose - but you absolutely do not have to go along with it, in terms of spending YOUR money to attend, or paying out of your own pocket to make cakes or anything else.

What happens if there are 2 brides or 2 grooms, who pays for the wedding then?

Your conflating the issues.

If they paid 20k for your wedding would you be pissed off at how they treat you? Wouod you feel differently if they gave you and your DH the equivalent in their will?

Some family members get more than others. Sometimes those family members are loved more, sometimes the sibling is a shithead and parents feel guilted into it.

I wouldn't treat them differently based on financial support. My parents have always fallen over themselves to help my sibling, financially and otherwise - i count myself lucky to have their respect and not be my sibling (even though sibling now earns more than me blah blah blah. Sibling is still crap at having a relationship with family unless there is something in it for them.) Thats not my problem. And you shouldnt make you SIL yours IMO.

Traditionally it was actually that the parents of the bride HOSTED the wedding, not that they paid for it per se. So once upon a time the wedding invitations would come from the parents of the bride, inviting people to the wedding of their daughter to whoever she was getting married to. Seems very off that they would consider hosting the wedding of their 50 year old daughter. I would take a big old step back OP, you sound more than reasonable.

They are the old fashioned type who think the bride’s family pays, and that’s their prerogative.

The unequal treatment is very annoying. Obviously you can’t do anything to change their behaviour so focus on your own; back off, stop hosting, stop doing favours.

@poppycat10

i am gonna bet that once they are older and they health deteriorates its going to be you and not the SIL that will b expected to take care of them

Yes, I'd move out the area if I were you.

And no you can't wade in on your DH's behalf but I can totally understand why you'd want to.

OP, I'd make sure your and your DHare on the same page about any potential future care, he needs to understand that withdrawing from all the stuff you've been doing also includes any care later on.

And I don't think you've been grabby, just that the money is highlighting the PILs unequal treatment of their two children.

It was the default for parents of the bride to pay for the wedding in the 1970s, let alone the 1950s.

@TheStroppySIL
YADNBU
But it's up to your DH to speak out.
Could he and the nice SIL have a chat with PILs ? Together.

Strength in numbers etc.
Open their eyes to grabby SIL ?
Your DH needs to man up.
BUT
You need to step back.
Don't make a song and dance about it but make sure you are not available to do/ host / make stuff.
I really dislike grabby people.

Most weddings were simpler affairs though. Not many weddings would be costing the equivalent of £20k, so the discrepancy between how much money you were giving your daughter compared to son probably wasn’t as marked. I can’t imagine giving £20k plus to a daughter for what is in effect a party and not giving the equivalent sum of money to a son.

Forget about the wedding money, ancient history and their money, their choice. Definitely stop with all the cake baking etc, hosting Christmas etc. It's the same as the under-appreciated mum, no one notices how much you do until you stop doing it. No one appreciates your effort, you feel resentful... what's the point?