AIBU to be a stroppy SIL over this?

[TheStroppySIL]

DH and I got married in our 20's, 3 years before SIL. When we got married we were told that PIL couldn't contribute towards it and they all cried over it. In the end, they gave DH just under 1K and didn't buy us a wedding gift. SIL gave DH loads of grief over this money. We had a very small wedding. At this point, it sounds like I am grabby, but let me further explain.

Then SIL got married and PIL gave her 20K (20+ years ago this was a lot) and she had the most unbelievable wedding in a location we all had to travel to and pay to stay at. A few months later they separated and it turned out she didn't want to get married to her DH, she just wanted her big day. Her words.

Now SIL is getting married again and wants an even bigger shebang which is going to cost everyone loads of money to travel to again. PIL have been asked to contribute, and will probably give her quite a lot. FYI this is not a cultural thing. They are British but seem to have a very old-fashioned attitude towards weddings. I get that, but it is very disproportionate IMO.

I am quite pissed off about this. I think SIL is a serious CF'er and needs to be told. She is now 50 and she acts like a child. Our PIL have never done a single thing for us. MIL has never even babysat her own DGC. I do way more for them and am always being roped into making birthday cakes for everyone, hosting Christmas and Easter and cooking Sunday lunch etc. I'm sick of it.

PIL are really not loaded but have a bit of a buffer after scrimping and saving over years. If it was my sibling I would be telling them to pay for their own wedding and stop tapping into my parents. Also, I think they treat my DH and his sis very disproportionately and I really don't like it. I'd love to tell them where to get off on his behalf.

The long and short of it is that this has really irritated me and I feel like just taking a massive step back and saying from now on I am not lifting a finger for any of them, nor am I spending any of my money on anything for them. In a way, I am glad because I don't owe any of them anything, but I am still really annoyed.

AIB a diva?

You are perfectly within reason to stop doing things for them.

But like it or not it’s pretty traditional for parents of the bride to contribute to their daughters wedding and it’s not any of your business how much and how many times they contribute. How much they contributed to yours is not relevant. Maybe they thought that was your parents role?

am always being roped into making birthday cakes for everyone, hosting Christmas and Easter and cooking Sunday lunch etc.

Stop getting roped into doing these things! Tell DH you won't be doing any more hosting or cooking, leave it all to him!

Now SIL is getting married again and wants an even bigger shebang which is going to cost everyone loads of money to travel to again.

You can't go. Make up any excuse you want or even better - let DH decline the invite!

You'd be best off blocking them all, and letting DH deal with his family. You're not beholden to them. Set yourself free of this nonsense.

They are probably wondering why your parent's didn't pay for your wedding, as is British tradition.

I guess as old fashioned as it is it’s more common (or at least used to be) for parents of the bride to pay for their daughter’s wedding, and that is what’s happened here. Saying that if that was my daughter and she’d gone through with a marriage she knew she didn’t want just because there was money for it she wouldn’t be getting another penny out of me.

To trot out the old MN Classic - it’s an invite, not a summons. DH can go but you and the kids will stay at home, it’s perfectly acceptable to say that you don’t have the funds to cover such a big expense, or if it involves travel the lack of annual leave/kids being in school.

If it’s a destination wedding will it even happen this year with all the travel restrictions?

While they can spend their money as they like, you can just stop being so available when they want something. No more cakes, no more hosting them for Christmas etc. Surely SIL should take on the role of their skivvy now that they are funding her wedding. She sounds like a spoilt brat tbh.

Our PIL have never done a single thing for us. MIL has never even babysat her own DGC. I do way more for them and am always being roped into making birthday cakes for everyone, hosting Christmas and Easter and cooking Sunday lunch etc. I'm sick of it.

You are unreasonable for not stopping doing this a long time ago, you have allowed yourself to be used, just stop now let SIL pick up the slack in looking after them.

Now SIL is getting married again and wants an even bigger shebang which is going to cost everyone loads of money to travel to again

Just don't get roped into this, say no. Spend your money how you want and on what you want just like your SIL and PIL do.

I don't blame you. Yes a massive step back would be good for you to get some of that resentment that's built up over their treatment of you. DEFINITELY DO NOT HOST CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR.

I absolutely agree with you but it’s not your business to tell your PIL what to spend their money on.

And fgs stop being “roped in to” shit you don’t want to do (Christmas, Easter, birthdays). If your husband wants to bake a birthday cake then let him, but you don’t have to.

Sounds almost as if you think you’re entitled to your PiLs’ money. It’s theirs, they can do exactly as they like with it.

I wouldn’t be in a massive hurry to go to the latest wedding either, especially not if it’s going to cost a bomb. What’s even the point if the marriage goes stale before the wedding cake even does?

It might be normal in some traditional circles for the bride's parents to pay for the wedding. Once only though.

2nd wedding, 50-year-old bride, no way! Has she no self respect?

Unfortunately though your PILs can choose to spend their moment how they like, but this does seem a bit nuts.

YANBU to find this annoying. I myself find bridezillas, who seem to view a wedding not as a celebration of the marriage, but as My (not even Our) Big Special Day, very irritating. Especially if they demand that everyone else should pay for it.

I don't think you'd be unreasonable to stay at home and not attend. Especially if Covid restrictions are still on - depending on where it is, you could end up having to pay for 10 days of hotel quarantine on top of all the other expenses (apart from the potential health risks to you and your family)..

However, I think it would be disproportionate to refuse ever again to help your PILs with anything (fair enough to refuse to pay big sums of money or exhaust yourself with hard work); or to get in a row with them which might affect their relationship with your dh. What does he think of the whole thing?

Traditionally, in British culture, the bride's parents pay for and host the wedding. It's not your PILs' fault if your parents were unable to do this for you.

As for the rest, you can stop doing whatever you want to stop doing. You can't control other people's choices, which are really none of your business.

YANBU or grabby, but unfortunately you can’t dictate what they do with their money.
If they are a bit old school perhaps they think they are duty bound to make a large contribution to their daughters wedding. Although twice is a bit much still that’s up to them.
As far as taking a step back re hosting holidays and making birthday cakes , then you have every right to do that, if you feel their are taking the p** s
How does your husband feel about this ?

Well stop baking for them, stop hosting Xmas. It's not hard!

It is unfair the difference of treatment between SIL and DH though but you can't do anything about that

Traditionally, parents paid for the bride's wedding but I certainly wouldn't contribute to an expensive second one, especially after your SlL's admission and the shortness of the first, neither would l pay to travel to an expensive destination one or do more than my fair share of entertaining. Don't complain though if you've being willing to do those things before but it's okay to say you've had enough now and let others step up.

Your PILs cried over fact they weren’t able to contribute to yours
And yet you still accepted £1k from them?
You lost me at that point

I do way more for them and am always being roped into making birthday cakes for everyone, hosting Christmas and Easter and cooking Sunday lunch etc. I'm sick of it.

I mean it kindly, but stop being such a mug.

In a way it's none of your business, but it's hurtful to see your own husband being left on the side that way.

I can't stand parents who treat their kids differently, it's awful on so many levels, I really don't think you are wrong at all, but there's nothing you can do.

But do stop lifting a finger for them and just stick to the bare minimum for your husband, no more.

@lottiegarbanzo

Traditionally, in British culture, the bride's parents pay for and host the wedding. It's not your PILs' fault if your parents were unable to do this for you.

As for the rest, you can stop doing whatever you want to stop doing. You can't control other people's choices, which are really none of your business.

back to the modern world where we happen to live, parents treat their kids in the same way and don't splash on one wedding for one, and nothing for the other. Even if they don't "host" the wedding as such.

I get totally why you're annoyed. Sounds like the SiL has had lots of money given to her but it's you they turn to when they need things done. One of the most challenging parts of getting married is putting up with your IL's family politics if they have them.
Unfortunately I don't think there's a lot you can do, but I feel for you!

Just withdraw, pursue your own life and be unavailable. Things won’t change so kill the obvious stress and stay away from them. I even changed my phone number to be unavailable from draining family!

I do sympathise, but your post gives no hint about how your DH thinks about the situation, which is a bit odd. I must be quite hurtful for him – have you asked him how he feels?

Does he understand why you’re so upset? Does he want to host family gatherings in future, and if he does and you don’t, how are the two of you going to sort it out? It’ll be easy enough to politely decline any requests for you to bake celebration cakes / host lunches (lots of suggestions on this thread already), but only if you and your DH are on the same page.

I worry that the two of you will disagree on all of this, and particularly on what level of responsibility your DH will have for his parents as they get older. Good luck with agreeing a common approach.

It is traditional for the bride’s parents to pay for a first wedding, but not second ones and definitely not if the bride is getting married at 50.

I come from a very pro-marriage culture and even in my culture if a first wedding was happening at 50 we’d be trying to make it as small an event as possible to avoid ‘mutton dressed as lamb’ type comments.

But that’s just my opinion. In real life I’d never say anything to my parents if they were paying for a sibling’s wedding in this way. I think you just have to let go while silently judging her for being incapable for paying for her own wedding at 50.

So, if I understand rightly, your SIL, had a short unhappy marriage and then remained single for a very long time and is now getting married again in her fifties. If I were her mother I would be pushing the boat out for her too.

I myself am happily old and single, but don't most parents not want our adult children to be single forever?