Page 4 | AIBU to be a stroppy SIL over this?

memberofthewedding · 24/05/2021 14:12

When you treat your relatives or children unequally then you cant expect the unfavored one to arise and call you blessed at some future date when you need them. My sister was the golden child when we were younger and I eventually went NC with my parents. She used to grumble about that but there are advantages to being a non driver living in another city. I often reminded her that when we were kids she got the smiles while I got the smacks. Being lumbered with an ailing hypochondriac mother was (perhaps) karma.

Pantsomime · 24/05/2021 14:19

OP life is not fair & you can’t control other people, but you can do 2 things here 1. Let them get on with it 2. You say you keep being roped in- so stop being roped in to things and control that bit

peachescariad · 24/05/2021 14:20

All this 'traditionally parents pay for daughter's wedding' bollocks...yes back in the 1950s. My parents and PIL both contributed the same amount money to our wedding, as they did for my DB and DS. PIL also did the same for their other DS and DD.
You are not BU at all.
SIL sounds vile and your PIL are weak and your DH should air his grievances to his parents; whatever the consequences....which sounds like that you'd both not miss much anyway.

lovekernels · 24/05/2021 14:23

@TheStroppySIL

My is very annoyed and upset but isn't assertive enough to do anything about it. He will just suck it up.

I thought we had moved on from old-fashioned tradition in the UK. My parents gave both my DB and me the same money to get married and I thought nothing of it. Plus, I didn't expect loads off them. After the hand wringing, I didn't actually want to accept the money off my PIL but DH accepted it.

Letitgo, as far as I am concerned my PIL have never once lifted a finger to help us and complained loudly on the 2 occasions we asked for help. Therefore, I owe them nothing and I am not obligated to help them when they are older. My DSIL, who revels in her Goldenchild status, can help them out.

It is coming across as not liking my SIL. I don't. I have many friends around this age and she is the only one who acts like a spoilt brat. She actually acts like a spoilt 12 year old.

Well, your family has moved on from that tradition, but it sounds like his hasn't. You said they were quite traditional - the bride's family paying for her wedding is as traditional as it gets.

Personally, I think that's archaic, but it's not my money to spend. Grownups get to spend their money however they like.

If you don't like your husband's family and don't want to help them out with anything, fine, but that's got to be completely separate to how much cash they have or haven't spent on you and your husband.

pictish · 24/05/2021 14:23

YWBVU to be a stroppy sil over it...you have no entitlement to fair treatment here, there’s nothing to strop about.

ohfourfoxache · 24/05/2021 14:26

There isn’t anything that you can do about the money. But you know that, and I’m not sure that’s the root of the issue

But, you don’t have to do anything for anyone who treats you like that. I gave up with my ILs 5 years ago (couldn’t give a shit about us) so I’ve washed my hands of them

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting something different to happen. Your ILs will not change, so you need to change what you do and how you think about things. It’s not easy, but you’ll feel better for it

Gilly12345 · 24/05/2021 14:32

Why doesn’t your Hubby say something to his Sister that she is taking the piss?

As for Easter/Christmas etc I would stop being the host and just concentrate on your own family and let them sort themselves out, not your problem.

AnneLovesGilbert · 24/05/2021 14:32

PML at the sudden defence my so many people of both “tradition” and rank unfairness between siblings.

Can you imagine if the SIL posted saying she was asking her parents to fork out for a massive wedding, bigger than her last one, and she was...50, cos tradition? She’d have her area handed to her because “tradition” doesn’t cover second weddings after a quick divorce, she should pay for it herself, her parents have their retirements to save for and she’s fucking 50 years old.

Or if the parents posted saying they’re within their rights to shower one child with tens of thousands and a second big fat wedding after giving their son a tiny fraction of it, that they expected endless favours from their DIL but don’t ever offer help.

Yet today, OP is grabby and unreasonable for feeling hurt at how her husband is treated by his ridiculous parents and embarrassing sister.

OP, they all suck. Stop doing anything for any of them! Bunch of twats. And don’t go to the second stupid wedding. Tell them you’re washing your hair or watching paint dry instead, lying on the piles of cash you’ve saved by not going.

HaveringWavering · 24/05/2021 14:34

I’m surprised nobody has mentioned SIL’s husband-to-be in all this. What middle-aged man would be happy with his wedding being paid for by elderly, not very flush PILs? You’d think he would be embarrassed by that idea. Where is he in all this OP?

lottiegarbanzo · 24/05/2021 14:35

I'm slightly younger than the SIL and I've been to a number of weddings, of my peers, that were paid for (and some that were conspicuously hosted) by the bride's parents. First-time weddings, mostly of late-20-somethings. All over the last 10-20 years.

Some families are more traditional than others. Just because many posters and their parents have moved on from this tradition, does not mean that everyone in the country moved in unison with them.

Viviennemary · 24/05/2021 14:37

Traditionally they are right. The parents of the bride do pay up. Did your parents give anything.

poppycat10 · 24/05/2021 14:39

i am gonna bet that once they are older and they health deteriorates its going to be you and not the SIL that will b expected to take care of them

Yes, I'd move out the area if I were you.

And no you can't wade in on your DH's behalf but I can totally understand why you'd want to.

Youdoyoutoday · 24/05/2021 14:41

@Cam2020

FYI this is not a cultural thing. They are British but seem to have a very old-fashioned attitude towards weddings.

You've just contradicted yourself right there. It is a cultural thing, then. In British culture it is traditional for the bride's parents to pay for the wedding!

Shouldn't a 50 year old getting married for a second time be paying for her own wedding instead of relying on the bank of mum and dad??

AryaStarkWolf · 24/05/2021 14:46

Stay out of it tbh but I would stop doing all that shit you do for them

Honeyroar · 24/05/2021 14:48

Perhaps their old fashioned thinking of the bride’s parents having to pay for the wedding will also work in your favour - it was also usually the daughter that ended up doing all the caring when the parents got old...!

And come Xmas say you’re not hosting everyone- and that you presume sil will be taking a turn to host now she’s a married woman!

Feedingthebirds1 · 24/05/2021 14:51

How much does DH contribute to the hosting of Christmas, lunches etc - or does it all fall to you?

I agree with a PP, you and he need to be on the same page. Someone upthread suggested leaving conversations with his parents to your DH. That's not going to help if he will always buckle and say yes we'll do it (meaning you will do it). It may be that you have to get to the point where DH is more afraid of upsetting you than he is of upsetting his parents. Brutal, but true. Don't waver on the not doing anything in future.

ineedaholidaynow · 24/05/2021 14:57

Isn't paying for a daughter's wedding the equivalent of a dowry, paying someone to take your daughter off their hands. Can't imagine any self respecting bride accepting that treatment nowadays. Also I assume why they don't normally pay for a second wedding as you are no longer their property.

BrilliantBetty · 24/05/2021 14:58

If they've never helped with childcare stop helping them with stuff. If you don't want to do it, you don't have to and it sounds like they don't deserve is.

So step back. Don't feel pressured in to doing anything. Don't offer and if they ask, say 'not this time unfortunately'.

But with regards to the money, it's their daughter and their money. It's not U really that they want to help with the wedding. And it is often bride's parents chipping in.

Mine gave over £15k and DH's parent's gave £1k 'for drinks'. We paid the rest (yes it was extravagant and yes I regret spending so much).

RightYesButNo · 24/05/2021 15:01

@Honeyroar

Perhaps their old fashioned thinking of the bride’s parents having to pay for the wedding will also work in your favour - it was also usually the daughter that ended up doing all the caring when the parents got old...!

And come Xmas say you’re not hosting everyone- and that you presume sil will be taking a turn to host now she’s a married woman!

You know, I wouldn’t wait for Xmas at all. I would kill about 25 birds here with one stone. One big family text/email/note - “So thrilled for SIL’s wedding, we know she’ll be very happy with new BIL, unfortunately we won’t be able to make it abroad due to the financial hit we’ve taken from COVID, I’m sure you can understand, but look forward to celebrating with you when you’re in the UK. And on the topic of celebrating... now that you’re happy and settled, it’s the perfect time for you to take over the family holiday gatherings. I’ve done every Easter/Christmas/birthday cake for the last 20 years, so I’ll be passing that on. Can’t wait to see how you make the family traditions your own!” Mic drop. Ignore any whinging.

She will, of course, immediately bitch about you to PILs who will probably call you up and try to guilt trip you to “just do Xmas one more year,” but stand firm. And FFS, don’t let them guilt trip your DH into saying you’ll do it on your behalf; that road leads to a very ugly household atmosphere, possibly burying DH under the patio.

TwoAndAnOnion · 24/05/2021 15:01

@KinseyWinsey

It's not up your business how they spend their money.

It's annoying and it's your DJ's inheritance they're spending on your sil but it's your pil's money .

Nothing you can do. You can seethe but it's nothing to do with you.

It's annoying and it's your DJ's inheritance they're spending on your sil but it's your pil's money

Err! it's their money they're spending how they see fit - inheritance be buggered.

tattleandbagels · 24/05/2021 15:04

I wouldn't make any drama, what's the point.

Just .. don't host anymore. Don't invite, don't bother. NO need to make a declaration.

Being "traditional" and paying for your daughter's wedding has never meant you didn't give the same amount to your other children.

Hawkins001 · 24/05/2021 15:10

@TheStroppySIL

DH and I got married in our 20's, 3 years before SIL. When we got married we were told that PIL couldn't contribute towards it and they all cried over it. In the end, they gave DH just under 1K and didn't buy us a wedding gift. SIL gave DH loads of grief over this money. We had a very small wedding. At this point, it sounds like I am grabby, but let me further explain.

Then SIL got married and PIL gave her 20K (20+ years ago this was a lot) and she had the most unbelievable wedding in a location we all had to travel to and pay to stay at. A few months later they separated and it turned out she didn't want to get married to her DH, she just wanted her big day. Her words.

Now SIL is getting married again and wants an even bigger shebang which is going to cost everyone loads of money to travel to again. PIL have been asked to contribute, and will probably give her quite a lot. FYI this is not a cultural thing. They are British but seem to have a very old-fashioned attitude towards weddings. I get that, but it is very disproportionate IMO.

I am quite pissed off about this. I think SIL is a serious CF'er and needs to be told. She is now 50 and she acts like a child. Our PIL have never done a single thing for us. MIL has never even babysat her own DGC. I do way more for them and am always being roped into making birthday cakes for everyone, hosting Christmas and Easter and cooking Sunday lunch etc. I'm sick of it.

PIL are really not loaded but have a bit of a buffer after scrimping and saving over years. If it was my sibling I would be telling them to pay for their own wedding and stop tapping into my parents. Also, I think they treat my DH and his sis very disproportionately and I really don't like it. I'd love to tell them where to get off on his behalf.

The long and short of it is that this has really irritated me and I feel like just taking a massive step back and saying from now on I am not lifting a finger for any of them, nor am I spending any of my money on anything for them. In a way, I am glad because I don't owe any of them anything, but I am still really annoyed.

AIB a diva?

What about charging for your services when your relatives want x,y,z ect ? And use the previous history as an explanation why ?

FunMcCool · 24/05/2021 15:15

It’s up to them how they spend their money.

Cameleongirl · 24/05/2021 15:27

There's favoritism among DH's siblings - not as extreme as your case, but we know who the golden ones are and it's not DH and his eldest sister! I stopped making a big effort for my PIL several years ago, because it's not going to change. I'm nice to them, but I don't push the boat out like I used to. The adult children whom they constantly help out are welcome to do it instead. Of course, they don't!

Redwinestillfine · 24/05/2021 15:30

It's pil's money, they can spend it how they want.