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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel angry and disgusted with myself about this

118 replies

youcandoitbruce · 23/05/2021 20:53

I was diagnosed with PND start of 2020.

By the end of 2020 I had gained 4 stone.
I’m not blaming the PND, I know I’m completely responsible what what I eat, but I ate my way through an incredibly shit time.

January 21 I booked in with my GP to talk address my overeating and have some routine blood tests.

Blood pressure slightly raised, BMI 40 but Blood tests all okay. I was given lots of advice to change my diet and the GP recommended couch to 5K.

March 21 I receive a text from GP telling me I’m eligible for my Covid vaccine, GP confirmed this was due to my BMI (I have no other health issues)

By this point I’m already 1 stone down in weight and doing well with the cough to 5K.

Booked my jab and received AZ in March.

Fast forward 10 weeks I’m 2 stone 4.5lb down and my age group are no longer being offered AZ because of blood clot risks.

If I have my second dose I will have to have AZ again.

I’m so angry with myself, I almost feel rage.

If I wasn’t such a fat fuck I wouldn’t have been given a vaccine before my age group and I wouldn’t now be in the position.

I genuinely feel so much anger and disgust towards myself right now.
I don’t care how much weight I’ve now lost, if I had gotten myself so obese I wouldn’t have needed a vaccine and I wouldn’t now be in a position of considering remaining partially vaccinated.

I’m really not sure what the point of my post is, other than to say I’m so utterly angry and disgusted in myself. 😡

OP posts:

Melitza · 23/05/2021 20:56

I'm not sure what your point is either.
Just get your 2nd jab.
Well done with your weight loss.

Lazypuppy · 23/05/2021 20:57

Agree with 1st poster, just go and get your second jab and well done on weight loss!

Original poster

youcandoitbruce · 23/05/2021 20:57

@Melitza

I'm not sure what your point is either. Just get your 2nd jab. Well done with your weight loss.

@Melitza

I’m not sure I want it. That’s probably why I’m so angry with myself. I wouldn’t be worrying about this if I hadn’t been so fat and needed a vaccine early.

OP posts:

Horehound · 23/05/2021 20:58

Your weight loss is great! Well done and keep going.

Get your second AZ vaccine.
Don't be angry with yourself, you were ill!

EnglishRain · 23/05/2021 20:58

That's an amazing weight loss, well done.

I am on mat leave but got the vaccine early as I'm a healthcare worker and was entitled to it even though I'm not back yet. I got AZ and am 29, so will be having a second AZ. The important thing is that we are both OK after dose one and the odds are hugely in our favour that we will be fine after dose two as a result. You can't control that you got given AZ, but you're already addressing the cause of why you were given a vaccination earlier for your age group.

I hope I don't sound patronising, I just really hope you are giving yourself the credit you are due.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 23/05/2021 20:59

Seriously well done on losing the weight-that’s amazing!
But just get the vaccine and move on.

unvillage · 23/05/2021 20:59

Good job on the weight loss!

Honestly don't worry about it. You do things every day that have a similar risk to the risk of the AZ vaccine. I'm in that age group, obese, and have had two doses. Don't take it out on yourself.

SleepingStandingUp · 23/05/2021 21:01

You were I'll, part of that was disordered eating, which you've tackled. Now you're doing better but this self hatred risks pushing you back into the bad place.
The risks with AZ are v v low.

As someone who got the AZ because my kid is sick, should I blame him for me having it? All my friends similar age are just getting their Pfizer jabs now.

Megan2018 · 23/05/2021 21:02

You are being ridiculous. There’s no shame in gaining weight, especially in difficult circumstances. It’s no worse than any other coping mechanism.
The risks from AZ are not worth the fuss and if you were fine with the first dose you’ll be fine with second.
Speak to your GP for help because this is not a normal response, you need help.

Cryalot2 · 23/05/2021 21:04

I have had 2nd AZ and as from tomorrow both adult kids will have it.
We felt awful first one but dh and I both fine with 2nd.
The vaccine is nothing compared to covid or long covid .
Go for it.

Original poster

youcandoitbruce · 23/05/2021 21:05

@SleepingStandingUp

Sorry to hear about your kid.

In your position I absolutely wouldn’t feel angry, you’ve done an amazing thing to protect your kid and id do the same thing.

I had the jab to protect myself since a BMI of >40 would put my higher risk form Covid.
So if I hadn’t made poor food decisions I wouldn’t have put myself at risk.

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/05/2021 21:06

In the nicest way, this is completely wasted energy.

I’m a healthy weight, no risk factors I’m aware of and I was called way early for mine, must have ended up in group 9 though my GP has no idea why. Had first dose of AZ in April, second one last week. Yes if I hadn’t been in that group I’d have had a different vaccine but I was just grateful to be offered it.

You had a shit year. Put on some weight. Are losing it successfully greatly increasing your chances of a long healthy life. Pat yourself on the back and let go of these negative emotions that are hurting you and potentially endangering the progress you’ve made.

Let it go.

Flowerclock · 23/05/2021 21:07

I think you need to cut yourself some slack.

You were ill. I've gained a lot of weight because of depression. I don't hate myself for it. It sounds like you are trying to fix your depression through your weight, which ultimately won't work. Be kinder to yourself.

I know people who are front line medical staff under the age of 40 who have had both vacancies AZ. They are all fine.

malmi · 23/05/2021 21:07

Just get the vaccine. The risk from the second dose having had the first is almost negligible. Don't be so hard on yourself.

AnyFucker · 23/05/2021 21:08

I have no idea whatsoever why you are giving yourself such a hard time

Y0YO · 23/05/2021 21:10

Please be kind to yourself.
Try to talk to yourself as you would to a friend. It's not easy, I know from experience.

Imagine someone you love. Keep them in your mind and think about how you would want them to feel and try to extend that kindness to yourself.

You deserve kindness and understanding as much as anyone else in this world.

Sunbird24 · 23/05/2021 21:10

All the evidence suggests that the risk of clots with the second AZ dose is practically zero, so if you were going to get them it would have been the first dose. All the weight you’ve lost will massively lower your risk as well.
You are giving yourself way too much of a hard time over this, you’ve done fantastically well to lose weight in the lockdown.

Ohpulltheotherone · 23/05/2021 21:12

OP you were at more risk of developing diet / lifestyle related problems at 40 BMI than you are of any serious issues with AZ.

The risks are absolutely tiny especially for 2nd dose.

You’re going to have to forgive yourself and move on because there is absolutely nothing you can do about it now and directing that level of fury and hate towards yourself is worrying.

CertainGecko · 23/05/2021 21:12

The AZ vaccine has a tiny risk of blood clots. Covid has more risk of clots. The pill has more risk. Obesity and poor diet probably have more (but that's just my guess).

Nothing bad happened to you after the first AZ vaccine, and you're healthier now than you were when you had that.

dudsville · 23/05/2021 21:16

Listen to the folks here.

You went through a difficult time, temporarily made some poor decisions re food, whilst coincidentally a pandemic was happening and risk increased, you immediately turned that shop around. You're human, and you sound like a good one. Ease up.

dudsville · 23/05/2021 21:17

Ship!

Notglam · 23/05/2021 21:17

Vaccine aside, if someone you knew had been struggling with PND but had turned a corner and was getting on track. Would you say these things to them? Berate them for becoming a “fat fuck”
No, you wouldn’t. So stop saying it about yourself it’s horrible.
You deserve to be kinder to yourself and realise that you’re only human.

If you are this anxious about the AZ vaccine then speak to your GP.
It’s better to be double dosed than half.

thevassal · 23/05/2021 21:20

Agree with everyone else, but then I really don't get the worry around AZ, the risks seem so tiny to me.

I'm 32 and had the vaccine (AZ) early because I was on a backfill list, if I'd have waited until called I would have had pfizer instead. Loads of other younger people are in the same position, they had AZ before the advice changed because they were on a back up list, because they had other health issues, because they work in healthcare, etc etc. Loads of reasons! So many what-ifs - what if you hadn't had the AZ vaccine but caught covid and become really ill before you were allowed the pfizer?

Honestly don't worry about it and don't waste time being angry at yourself. Losing the weight has probably reduced your chances of being seriously ill from covid almost as much as a vaccine will so you've done amazingly! (but definitely get your second dose!)

daisyjgrey · 23/05/2021 21:20

Stop referring to your body, any body, as "a fat fuck".

You're not in any position. Get your second jab and crack on.

Friendofdennis · 23/05/2021 21:21

Try not to hate yourself for getting overweight. There are enough people who are mean to overweight women out there. Try to separate weight gain from any moral judgement of yourself if possible because it can happen so easily. Well done for your achievements so far by the way

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