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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel angry and disgusted with myself about this

118 replies

youcandoitbruce · 23/05/2021 20:53

I was diagnosed with PND start of 2020.

By the end of 2020 I had gained 4 stone.
I’m not blaming the PND, I know I’m completely responsible what what I eat, but I ate my way through an incredibly shit time.

January 21 I booked in with my GP to talk address my overeating and have some routine blood tests.

Blood pressure slightly raised, BMI 40 but Blood tests all okay. I was given lots of advice to change my diet and the GP recommended couch to 5K.

March 21 I receive a text from GP telling me I’m eligible for my Covid vaccine, GP confirmed this was due to my BMI (I have no other health issues)

By this point I’m already 1 stone down in weight and doing well with the cough to 5K.

Booked my jab and received AZ in March.

Fast forward 10 weeks I’m 2 stone 4.5lb down and my age group are no longer being offered AZ because of blood clot risks.

If I have my second dose I will have to have AZ again.

I’m so angry with myself, I almost feel rage.

If I wasn’t such a fat fuck I wouldn’t have been given a vaccine before my age group and I wouldn’t now be in the position.

I genuinely feel so much anger and disgust towards myself right now.
I don’t care how much weight I’ve now lost, if I had gotten myself so obese I wouldn’t have needed a vaccine and I wouldn’t now be in a position of considering remaining partially vaccinated.

I’m really not sure what the point of my post is, other than to say I’m so utterly angry and disgusted in myself. 😡

OP posts:
HomeSliceKnowsBest · 23/05/2021 21:21

My 2nd AZ jab last week absolutely floored me. I've pretty much lost a week of my life as I've been sleeping the days away and unable to function. So YANBU in my opinion OP.

trunumber · 23/05/2021 21:21

You have to stop talking to yourself like that, it's so unfair- you don't deserve it.

Did they offer you any therapy after the PND? I wonder if you should ask for some, this rage towards yourself, the intense anger and criticism- it shouldn't be that way. You wouldnt talk to anyone the way you're talking to yourself.

trevthecat · 23/05/2021 21:23

There are no known cases of blood clots after the second dose. Congrats on the weight loss

Original poster
youcandoitbruce · 23/05/2021 21:24

@trunumber

Did they offer you any therapy after the PND?

I had counselling and I recovered from PND.

OP posts:
ThepastisNotinthepast · 23/05/2021 21:24

I totally understand OP

Your concerns are valid. The risk is tiny but I can understand your hesitation as although a minuscule risk if you’re unlucky it’s a catastrophic reaction to have.

I’m not fully up to speed with things can you request to start again with a Different vaccine ?

Divebar2021 · 23/05/2021 21:25

You had the vaccination early and have had the benefit of the protection since then. Surely you felt relief to be protected? Why are you beating yourself up about AZ at this point ? Why not just look at the positives in the situation instead of lambasting yourself.

TaraR2020 · 23/05/2021 21:26

Are you sure you're not still struggling with your mental health op?

Such a negative self view isn't healthy.

For a start, you weren't in your right mind when your eating habits changed - the diet you adopted was a symptom of your depression. Much of it is done to the fact that food can give a dopamine hit which of course you were low on, not to mention that you were probably craving the energy boost you got from the foods you were eating- you were self medicating. It was survival.

Secondly, there is nothing disgusting about it. Would you speak that way about someone else?

You didn't put yourself at risk. You've been very unwell, which has itself increased your risk. You need to separate yourself from your illness.

Finally, I really wouldn't worry about the AZ vaccine, the risk is still low. If it helps, I'm below the new age threshold and have had both AZ jabs - no issues and now I'm protected.

Be kind to yourself, op, and stop beating yourself up. You've not done anything wrong, you're making incredible progress Flowers

Seesawmummadaw · 23/05/2021 21:26

If you had put on the weight due to a physical health condition would you be this hard on yourself?

I doubt it. You were unwell, you put on weight as a result and now you are tackling it.

Be proud of yourself! Have the 2nd vaccine. Having just one due to feeling angry at past you is a waste.

SleepingStandingUp · 23/05/2021 21:28

[quote youcandoitbruce]@SleepingStandingUp

Sorry to hear about your kid.Flowers

In your position I absolutely wouldn’t feel angry, you’ve done an amazing thing to protect your kid and id do the same thing.

I had the jab to protect myself since a BMI of >40 would put my higher risk form Covid.
So if I hadn’t made poor food decisions I wouldn’t have put myself at risk.[/quote]
But you made them when you were I'll, and then you did the right thing by taking the vaccine. Take the second one. Keep getting well.

SummaLuvin · 23/05/2021 21:31

Many people are desperate to get the vaccine, seems really rather tasteless to make a thread in order to bitch about getting it early.

MyMajesty · 23/05/2021 21:32

You're not unreasonable to be upset. The whole covid situation is getting to people in all sorts of ways.
Speak to your GP or practice nurse, tho, and remember that as you had no problem with the first jag, you are likely to be fine with the 2nd too.

Lindy2 · 23/05/2021 21:34

I imagine that the extra weight you were carrying was far more of a health risk to you than the vaccine.

Well done for losing the weight and improving your health. Now go and get yourself properly protected against Covid and get your second jab. The risk is minuscule.

wildeverose · 23/05/2021 21:35

Minimal risk. Get the second jab and see it as a good thing - you've lost the weight and you got vaccinated early when many would love to be.

Couchbettato · 23/05/2021 21:36

A fat fuck?

Would you call any of your friends a fat fuck? No. Because it's mightily unkind.

So don't call yourself a fat fuck. Because you're being unkind to yourself.

Applesonthelawn · 23/05/2021 21:37

You have done fantastically to get on top of the PND and take control of your health issues. Really a fantastic job. Stop hating on yourself, it's the exact opposite of what you should be doing and there's just no logic to it. Recognise that self-loathing as the next thing for you to tackle. I am pretty sure the risks of that second dose are pretty miniscule.

SeaShoreGalore · 23/05/2021 21:42

Do you find all fat people disgusting, or is it just yourself?

PlanDeRaccordement · 23/05/2021 21:42

It’s ok to blame the PND. Be kinder to yourself. You are recovering and so is your body with you. And don’t worry about AZ, as youve had it once with no adverse side effects, your risk is even lower than it is for someone who’s never had it before.

MitheringSunday · 23/05/2021 21:42

I think AZ is getting a worse press than it deserves, and I say this as someone who chose not to get it - I ended up being able to get Moderna two weeks later (not in UK), but had I had the choice of AZ now or waiting six weeks, two months, or longer for something else, I would have gone for the AZ.

As kindly as possible, OP, you're not thinking quite straight on this - both in terms of the extreme self-blame and self-fat-shaming and in terms of the seeing having AZ as some kind of awful 'position' although you've already had the first without incident. I'd take this as a warning sign if I were you, but not about the vaccine - about the fact that you may need some more support with your MH.

Coyoacan · 23/05/2021 21:42

You've done bloody well OP. Not like me who gave up smoking last year after 45 years of heavy smoking. Now that is bad stuff and I have the bad health to show for it.

Original poster
youcandoitbruce · 23/05/2021 21:43

@SeaShoreGalore

Do you find all fat people disgusting, or is it just yourself?
@SeaShoreGalore

Just myself. I’m not directing this to anyone other than me.

OP posts:
Throckmorton · 23/05/2021 21:43

Mate, you had PND, gained weight and then managed to lose a shit load of weight - don't feel bad, feel proud! And as to the vaccine, it's good you've had it, you've clearly been OK with the first done, so you've not harmed yourself, so see above and feel proud!

Confusedandshaken · 23/05/2021 21:43

You are doing really well with your weight loss. Be proud of yourself not annoyed you didn't do it sooner.

Don't give the clot thing a second thought. If you were going to develop a vaccine related clot it would have happened by now. So far, after 100s of millions of doses world wide there has been no evidence of risk attached to the second dose, only the first one so you are perfectly safe.

You are doing really well - the weight is coming off, you are recovering from PND and you will be double vaccinated soon. Be proud and enjoy your safe, healthy summer.

Throckmorton · 23/05/2021 21:45

that should be first dose, not first done - I can't type for shit

StealthPolarBear · 23/05/2021 21:46

I absolutely hate #bekind but in this case you need to be kind to yourself. You're so desperate not to be seen to make excuses you don't acknowledge you've had depression and a small child (I assume).
The jab is a good thing. The risks are miniscule. You're doing so well to be losing weight, keep it up.
I did laugh at cough to 5k - is that the pandemic version?

08hctibasieilrac · 23/05/2021 21:47

Focus on c25k
Get a new goal (c210k?)
Keep moving forward.
Negative thoughts = negative actions = back to your starting point.
Get your jab.
Don't feel guilty.
Keep moving forward.
And bloody well done!!