To think no, autism is not a ‘gift’?

[RowRowYaStoat]

Does anyone else feel like this?
I’m feeling like the worlds worst parent right now. 12 year has been crying and kicking off since 7am this morning. After an awful few months , my patience is wearing thin.

Everything that goes wrong is my fault.
I honestly feels like he hates me (he doesn’t) but the way he talks to me, the way he shuts me out but expects me to fix everything.

The rigid thinking, total lack of compromise. The shouting, screaming.

The resistance to any change or expectation that he should do something himself.

The effect on siblings, the resentment they often feel. The fact my marriage is pushed to breaking point because the stress is immense.

And the lack of empathy from family and friends: “autism is a gift… embrace it !”.

I love my DS dearly. I’ll do anything to make him happy , but it’s just never enough. I always feel like he’s not happy and I worry how his perception of things is so different to the real situation.

And I lost my patience today.

Please tell me I’m not the only one to find this damned hard? Or am I just rubbish at this?

You aren’t alone, it’s tough there is no ‘right way’. Stay strong.

Fellow ASD mom here. Its bloody hard and frustrating. I lose my shit frequently with now teenage son who is very hard work and emotionally developmentally delayed so he has no independence skills. We never get a break from him unless he is at school and us at work. Yes its bloody difficult!!!
You are definitely not alone. I would find it really hard to bite my tongue if someone told me autism was a gift. I have 'god only chooses special parents' off well meaning colleagues and I am an atheist!
No he doesn't its just the luck of the drawer. Sod off!
Too early for ????

Are people actually saying that to you when you express that youre finding things tough, or are you talking in general?

People do sometimes try and concentrate on the positives in order to cope with things. I wouldnt go so far as to say autism is a gift as it can be a PITA condition to have even at the best of times and completely disabling at the worst of times, but on the other hand, most of my favourite most interesting creative people in the world are autistic or have ADHD or dyspraxic. (also some of the most annoying people ive ever met have)

I think if youre having a difficult time with your kid and everyone is using that as an opportunity to tell you its a gift, then that is spectacularly insensitive and weird.
If they are talking more generally, then id just ignore

My DS has autism and is amazingly clever and funny. He has never behaved badly. I think his autism is a gift which gives him an amazing way of thinking.

I know that We are unbelievably lucky.

I also have. DGD who struggles greatly with her autism, her Parents wouldn’t think it was a gift.

You are not alone

I'll probably be slammed for posting this, but personally I do wonder would I have ever had children if I'd known they would be autistic? For mine, they have a lot of MH issues which are not caused by autism as such, but the rigidity of autistic thinking definitely doesn't help them. Lovely, wonderful kids but bloody hard work. I worry for them in adulthood.

Autism is a gift was said by a friend when I texted saying I was having a tough day. She breezily replied ‘embrace it’ and then changed the subject to how she’s just been having a fab time with her kids

I was once told that God only gives special children to special parents

Yes DS has an amazing mind, it’s one of the things I love about him . But what good is that if he can’t function in day to day life because he’s so incredibly anxious? Or because he absolutely must do things his way?

Younger DS2 is becoming resentful. Luckily DS3 is too young to understand. When I try to get some one on one time with DS2, DS1 needs support with something and I become frustrated because it’s eating in to DS2 time.

He doesn’t mean it, of course he doesn’t.

Yes I worry about his MH too. He has very low self esteem and I worry for him. Trying to build him up doesn’t really work because it all comes crashing down with the next meltdown.

I agree and I'm an autistic adult.

I am higher functioning (I know it is a term a lot of autistics disapprove of) but still struggle everyday. I live independently but still struggle with day to day basic life skills and am unable to hold a job. I have gone back into education as a mature student and have a lot of disability support in place to make that happen.

I am sick of the self-proclaimed autism advocates on Twitter, for some it is just a difference to be celebrated but for a lot of us it is severely disabling.

I do think a lot of autistic people do have strengths and abilities which should be encouraged and even celebrated though. I am fairly significantly disabled in some ways but my focus, obsessions, stubbornness and quirks can be fun.

I'm also sick of the autistic advocates cough neurodivergent rebel cough attacking parents of autistic children.

I hear you OP. I love my son to bits but the world is hard for him and consequently us. I just wish I could do more to help him.

@RowRowYaStoat

Autism is a gift was said by a friend when I texted saying I was having a tough day. She breezily replied ‘embrace it’ and then changed the subject to how she’s just been having a fab time with her kids

I think that's a pretty shitty response to anyone who is struggling.

I think most people understand how difficult raising a kid with special needs is.

I don’t see my dd’s autism as a gift. Like you’ve said, what use is their gift when they can’t function to get through a day? When they can’t communicate due to anxiety and confusion? When they can’t live in this ‘normal’ world as their world is so different? When they can’t get a job due to prejudice or sheer inability to fit in? When they feel so fkin useless coz they’re not like everyone else? Not a gift in this house.

I have autism - it is the gift that never starts giving.

Nope it isn't for us my son has severe autism and learning disabilities,non verbal at a special school,will never be independent,I love him to bits ,and he makes me smile every day but walk a day in my shoes and tell me it's a gift 🙄

@RowRowYaStoat

Autism is a gift was said by a friend when I texted saying I was having a tough day. She breezily replied ‘embrace it’ and then changed the subject to how she’s just been having a fab time with her kids

id be pissed off if that was my friends response to me having a hard time. She sounds socially unaware. Is she autistic?

Im autistic and so are my kids. I dont think its a gift at all, but its also not the end of the world, and there are times when it has nearly broken me, and there are times when i think it makes us extra brilliant

Sorry OP, I don't have the experience of having a child with autism but cannot imagine it being anything but difficult & exhausting. You have my sympathies. I hope you get a few better days soon.

I'm autistic. It is not a gift. But it's not a curse either. And embracing it is absolutely the best way. Its a different way of thinking, and lots of the difficulty is trying to make an autistic brain pretend to be a neurotypical brain. It will always fail and it will be anxious and chaotic.

I have autism and I absolutely do not think it’s a gift, for me it’s been a curse, crippling social anxiety that honestly makes me feel like I’m living an half life. I have ADHD too and a provisional diagnosis of bipolar, but it’s the autism that affects me the most. I dream of just being able to function like others, I watch them interacting with ease and I feel so so jealous.
My children are autistic too and they can be bloody hard work, especially my youngest who is so inflexible and rigid in his thinking, he’s developmentally delayed and I’m so worried about how he’s going to be able to go to secondary, he can’t cross roads safely yet. He’s in year 5 so it’s not far off. I don’t drive, so the only option I can think of is walking him there or homeschooling at this moment, and homeschooling is something I’m not sure I could manage.
I worry about my children in adulthood and hope they function better than I do, free from anxiety.

i do think theres been quite a push to rebrand autism as cool and quirky and barely a disability at all. Most of the people that push this are the self diagnosed internet lot who think we should never mention functioning labels, not use the term aspergers and hate "autism mums" nearly as much as they hate Sia and JK Rowling.

You need to find your own way, and your own support network really. Someone who tells you to embrace it when youre at breaking point isnt a good friend

My ds is 14 and high functioning but still has extreme anxiety and emotional difficulty.
I was called into school this week by the head of behaviour who didn’t have a clue about autistic traits and that refusal and demand avoidance are part of their condition, he was on the verge of being excluded until I pointed out that it was documented in his plan.
So no it is not a gift it is actually an invisible curse for ds, looks normal on the outside but struggles so much he is also of an age where he sees all his peers going out together and being independent and he can’t even manage the school day

I have autism.

It's a gift to some of us, but really hard for the others depending on where they are on the spectrum. YANBU.

It's hard but you've got this.

Your friend was an insensitive cow to message you that.
You reply and tell her to bloody embrace it.
10 years on from my son's diagnosis my friends are now mostly other ASD mum's I have met along the way. Some people we used to be friends with lost touch with us when life got hard.
Ignore your friend, or tell her she is an insensitive cow. Or save the 'embrace it' comment for a time she us struggling and needs support and offer her the same advice. Friends come and go, the real friends are the ones that support you

Op you have my sympathies. My son is coming up to 12 and he swears at us, threatens us, doesn't listen, can't look after himself. And then you see what he's doing on his screen and I just think wowsers. It is a gift. But it comes with a price. A price that parents bare the brunt of. I'm dreading the teens. I'm dreading adulthood. But what can you do?

You're not alone x

I’m an autistic adult. I hate my ASD - definitely not a gift for me. I know a lot of people disagree but for me it is a disability. I don’t feel the social model of disability applies to my Autism. Very steep stairs and no ramp mean that society makes things very hard people with certain disabilities. With Autism I just feel my brain doesn’t work properly and there isn’t something society could do (apart from never saying it is a gift, different or special.)