To think no, autism is not a ‘gift’?

[RowRowYaStoat]

Does anyone else feel like this?
I’m feeling like the worlds worst parent right now. 12 year has been crying and kicking off since 7am this morning. After an awful few months , my patience is wearing thin.

Everything that goes wrong is my fault.
I honestly feels like he hates me (he doesn’t) but the way he talks to me, the way he shuts me out but expects me to fix everything.

The rigid thinking, total lack of compromise. The shouting, screaming.

The resistance to any change or expectation that he should do something himself.

The effect on siblings, the resentment they often feel. The fact my marriage is pushed to breaking point because the stress is immense.

And the lack of empathy from family and friends: “autism is a gift… embrace it !”.

I love my DS dearly. I’ll do anything to make him happy , but it’s just never enough. I always feel like he’s not happy and I worry how his perception of things is so different to the real situation.

And I lost my patience today.

Please tell me I’m not the only one to find this damned hard? Or am I just rubbish at this?

@Branleuse

i do think theres been quite a push to rebrand autism as cool and quirky and barely a disability at all. Most of the people that push this are the self diagnosed internet lot who think we should never mention functioning labels, not use the term aspergers and hate "autism mums" nearly as much as they hate Sia and JK Rowling.

You need to find your own way, and your own support network really. Someone who tells you to embrace it when youre at breaking point isnt a good friend

I think this is spot on.

Ive heard 'embrace it', 'it's a gift' about my son so many times often by people who know very little about autism. He is wonderful and I adore him, but life is also really tough.

I think people who say this kind of thing mean well, but it can feel very isolating to get this kind of response. I guess it's a tricky balance as many people with autism have many incredible and diverse qualities that we should be positive about and rightly so, but at the same time it's the 'positivity' of well meaning friends who overlooking all of the challenges can feel really toxic - especially when all of your struggles are dismissed in a few words.

Autism is not a gift, it’s a disability.

I worry my autistic ds will be unable to hold a job down when he leaves school. That’s no gift.

Thanks all for not flaming me. I’m more annoyed at myself today for not being the epitome of patience.

But blimey it is so so tough sometimes.

What’s the expression, ‘When you’ve met one autistic person you’ve met...one autistic person.’ Some have gifts, some have crippling disabilities, some have both, and they’re all different.

My autistic DS has some lovely ways that are due to his autism, but he’s 21, hasn’t worked since leaving education, is very rigid and needy and my marriage break up isn’t unrelated either. I love him to bits, he’s extra precious because of his vulnerability but I can’t say I don’t have regrets.

Hang on in there, OP. I can’t promise it will get better, but what else can you do? Much sympathy.

@AlfonsoTheTerrible

I have autism - it is the gift that never starts giving.

Me too and I feel the same.

Any perceived ‘gifts’ that it has awarded me are totally cancelled out by the fact I can’t function in any way so you wouldn’t know I was gifted.
Imagine being really really intelligent but nobody knows because you can’t actually speak to anyone as have selective mutism and severe anxiety alongside.
So much lost potential

There is a strong autism positivity movement. That’s a good thing for people who view themselves that way, usually high functioning “aspies”.

I think the real problem here is stupid social media slogans.

You say you’d do anything to make him happy... sometimes we have to do things that go against this. Not out of spite but out of necessity. Having boundaries in place that they can feel safe rebelling against is part of growing up and growing aware that NO you can’t, I’m not willing to allow X becomes a part of life

It's okay, I wish there wasn't bad days, but that would be unrealistic.
Eldest DS is nearly 4, I've been told by everyone who's met him, nursery workers, the lady that gave him his 3 year injections, the speech therapist that he seems autistic, he's under the paediatrician but hasn't met him personally thanks to covid.
He's been off nursery this week because he's been ill, meaning me and DS (just turned 2) and eldest DS have all been stuck in the house this week.
I cried for 20 minutes yesterday. DS1 got frustrated and would not stop hitting his brother, I separated them, it happened again and again. DS1 was upset because of something I could not understand, DS2 was upset because he kept getting punched and pushed. I didn't know what to do, I tried distraction, talking calmly, shouting, and I just cried. I hated myself, I hated the situation, and I just felt like a terrible Mom.
Things are mostly better today. Just still don't understand what went wrong and what to do next time it happens.
I think it happens to the best of us.

I would be classed as “high functioning” because my autism has minimal effect on others (apart from my long suffering mother!) but my god I do not function. Totally agree with all the other autistic posters, I might be good at a few things but I would give it all away to be able to not struggle every bloody second of the day. I’d like the gift of a neurotypical brain please.

My partner had an argument at work with a colleague who has decided he is the spokesperson for autism internally, he was diagnosed at 39, holds a senior position in the company and he was highly critical of patents of ASD children saying that they don't embrace it enough and celebrate it.

Our son is 2.5 and has "severe" autism. We worry so much about the future and how he will cope... He's a beautiful little boy but it's difficult every day and we don't know if he will ever talk or understand basic instructions. A friend has a 12 year old ASD child in nappies, non verbal and needs a pushchair. It's so easy to say these statements about it being a gift with very little understanding.

I don't think people know what to say and probably silly comments come out.

YANBU. I think people say things like that to try to make themselves and others feel better about something that can often be difficult to deal with. It's an overcorrection away from stigma, understandable but unhelpful for someone who's struggling with the day-to-day challenges.

I'm sorry you're having a tough day.

@doadeer

My partner had an argument at work with a colleague who has decided he is the spokesperson for autism internally, he was diagnosed at 39, holds a senior position in the company and he was highly critical of patents of ASD children saying that they don't embrace it enough and celebrate it.

Our son is 2.5 and has "severe" autism. We worry so much about the future and how he will cope... He's a beautiful little boy but it's difficult every day and we don't know if he will ever talk or understand basic instructions. A friend has a 12 year old ASD child in nappies, non verbal and needs a pushchair. It's so easy to say these statements about it being a gift with very little understanding.

Tbh I just stay away from people like that they have no idea how hard our life is I absolutely adore my son I couldn't love him more if I tried but my god it's hard work ,he is exhibiting some particularly challenging behaviour at present ,at his special school,and being non verbal doesn't help .

You’re not alone OP. For some it’s just a difference, and it might as well be an entirely different diagnosis to what my twins have. I bet those adults wouldn’t be happy living a life where they can’t communicate their basic needs, use a toilet, live independently etc. Your friend is an arsehole.

I would be classed as a high functioning autistic and it's not a blessing, it's a curse. My brain being unable to function like others is tiring and annoying. Social interactions are so tough and I've spent my whole life being told I'm weird and badly behaved.

YANBU! I wish I were never born. I really do. Then he'd never had this, my surviving daughter wouldn't have to suffer him, it would be better for everyone.

My son is 33 with severe LDs and autism. We went out for a meal last night, celebrating meeting inside with his older brother again after 17 months of shielding. It was like breaking bread with a fucking angry Goblin. I wanted to drown him in the Lobster tank but there were too many witnesses.

OP, that was a dumb and thoughtless thing that your friend said. Is it just one person and one comment or do you get lots of people saying things like that? Are more of your family and friends supportive rather than dismissive?

@DustyMaiden

My DS has autism and is amazingly clever and funny. He has never behaved badly. I think his autism is a gift which gives him an amazing way of thinking.

I know that We are unbelievably lucky.

I also have. DGD who struggles greatly with her autism, her Parents wouldn’t think it was a gift.

How old is he? Maybe come back and let us know if you think the same once he hits teen years.

My teen son is autistic. Is not a gift! He struggles every single day and frequently harms himself as he cannot cope with sensory overload any longer. Both him and I would wish it away in a second if we could.

I'm sorry you're having a tough time, OP. And you're right. it's not a fucking gift trying to help them grow up and grow independent, if that's even in the cards for them.

Also, 💐💐💐 YANBU to find things difficult and challenging.

I think it's one thing when an autistic person is discussing their own experiences of autism for themself and there are benefits from the push to discuss things more positively with children and young people than was previously common for many disabled children, but the negative of that push has been that autistic people and parents/family members/carers can't vent about the issues without the smack down of needing to be positive about it. The pendulums gone too far the other way.

YANBU to want to vent to a friend without being told platitudes. It's well-intended, but like you said OP it isn't empathic to you or even your child who is likely aware it's been a tough day, and you all need ways to process that.

Dear OP I'm so so sorry you're having a day like this, it is so hard sometimes. The relentlessness of it. The fact that little things often seem to be the hardest. I totally sympathise. My therapist says that I get it the worst because I am his safe place where he can express all the anger, resentment, anxiety and frustration without fear of rejection. That's the irony - we give the most love and we get to hold and contain the pain that they can't hold themselves. It's exhausting though and you're only human. I have days where I feel so gripped by the anxiety of it all and I feel totally on edge and like I'm waiting for the next tidal wave to come in. For all his social and sensory struggles (plus Adhd and auditory processing issues) my boy is a gift. I try try try to focus on the child I have rather than his differences. As someone who is on the adhd spectrum I am terrified of him growing up in the way I did feeling alone and depressed. But all we can do is our best. Big hug.

It's certainly not a gift for my son. If I could change it for him I would.

@AlfonsoTheTerrible

I have autism - it is the gift that never starts giving.

Too fucking right. My home is a nightmare with the combination of a child and an adult both diagnosed. A bloody nightmare that I wish I could escape from.