To think no, autism is not a ‘gift’?

[RowRowYaStoat]

Does anyone else feel like this?
I’m feeling like the worlds worst parent right now. 12 year has been crying and kicking off since 7am this morning. After an awful few months , my patience is wearing thin.

Everything that goes wrong is my fault.
I honestly feels like he hates me (he doesn’t) but the way he talks to me, the way he shuts me out but expects me to fix everything.

The rigid thinking, total lack of compromise. The shouting, screaming.

The resistance to any change or expectation that he should do something himself.

The effect on siblings, the resentment they often feel. The fact my marriage is pushed to breaking point because the stress is immense.

And the lack of empathy from family and friends: “autism is a gift… embrace it !”.

I love my DS dearly. I’ll do anything to make him happy , but it’s just never enough. I always feel like he’s not happy and I worry how his perception of things is so different to the real situation.

And I lost my patience today.

Please tell me I’m not the only one to find this damned hard? Or am I just rubbish at this?

@Branleuse

i do think theres been quite a push to rebrand autism as cool and quirky and barely a disability at all. Most of the people that push this are the self diagnosed internet lot who think we should never mention functioning labels, not use the term aspergers and hate "autism mums" nearly as much as they hate Sia and JK Rowling.

You need to find your own way, and your own support network really. Someone who tells you to embrace it when youre at breaking point isnt a good friend

God I love this post

@Branleuse

i do think theres been quite a push to rebrand autism as cool and quirky and barely a disability at all. Most of the people that push this are the self diagnosed internet lot who think we should never mention functioning labels, not use the term aspergers and hate "autism mums" nearly as much as they hate Sia and JK Rowling.

You need to find your own way, and your own support network really. Someone who tells you to embrace it when youre at breaking point isnt a good friend

I can't like this post enough!

Listening to the seagull noises emanating from upstairs (virtually non-stop tics, since he got home on Friday) and the sound of the washer dealing with yet another load of disgusting clothes, you're not wrong.

To have a child with Autism, a family needs a lot of support. Support for the child at school, and support in the form of respite for the parents/carers. Without a good support network in place, having a child with Autism is a nightmare.

I say this as an adult with Autism, and as a mother of 2 children with Autism. Both my children have EHCPs and receive support at school. Gaining an EHCP and support took many years of fighting :(

Your so-called friend is a self absorbed twat, BTW.

@3cats2kids

Autism is not a gift, it’s a disability.

I worry my autistic ds will be unable to hold a job down when he leaves school. That’s no gift.

Yep.

My teenage DD was going a little better for a while, but the abuse and violence have returned. Oh, and she seems to be developing bulimia too. It's shit. CAMHS help is inadequate to put it mildly.
Who'd want to be "blessed" with this?

I'm with you, OP. You can see here you're not alone. There will be better days (and better friends) ahead for all of us, hopefully.

@BlatantlyNameChanged

I was once told that God only gives special children to special parents

My own mother actually said this to me. I said what a loads of bollocks. It's tough op!

Oh OP, I hear ya, I feel ya.
I have an autistic teen and their anxiety amid intense exam pressure, and how that manifested as ‘behaviour’ at school, has been so bad we’ve had one helluva week After a short stint in hospital they’re currently off school temporarily for MH reasons.

I have ADHD myself which although different, has some big overlapping traits.

When it doesn’t come from people who have autism themselves, the “it’s a gift” comment is so self-aggrandising, condescending and ignorant. I’d love to gift these people with the gift of all the extra stresses and strains that I’m currently far too emotionally exhausted and stressed to list

@RowRowYaStoat

Thanks all for not flaming me. I’m more annoyed at myself today for not being the epitome of patience.

But blimey it is so so tough sometimes.

Don't be annoyed with yourself! You cope with much more than many people could.

It is tough a LOT of the time.

That aside, your 'friends' reply was horrible no matter what the 'topic'. Do you really want her in your life? Friends are supposed to IMPROVE your life, not make it worse!!

@BlatantlyNameChanged

I was once told that God only gives special children to special parents

Yeah I had the "god only gives you what you can deal with" bollocks when I stood there the clear epitome of someone who was definitely not coping in the slightest.

It's not a gift- it's bloody unfair. It's unfair on the DC because life is just so bloody hard on them.

I don’t consider autism a gift and neither does my autistic ds, who is now 20 yrs old.

It’s been really tough going. All of it. I love him and worry endlessly about his life when I’m gone.

He gets PIP now and I told a friend that we’re looking this weekend at changing the Motability car as the contract is up. “Oohh, lucky you!” she said... 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

I recently entered a debate on fb- the support group placed a meme from the site called “Joy of Autism”.

I got absolutely flamed when I said that I don’t see any joy in autism and if I could take it away from my son I’d do it in a heartbeat.

Apparently I don’t love my son and don’t accept him.

Autism is a disability,not a gift. While I appreciate everybody has different experience of autism I can’t compare my experience of non verbal and still in nappies 7 years old son to a teenager struggling at school.

I should embrace autism apparently.
Embrace lack of sleep, shit smeared everywhere,medical issues,fighting for support with LA,older DC getting much less attention and in general our family being wrecked

I’m broken mentally and physically. But hey,embrace autism? It’s so wonderful that you got handed a lifelong sentence of being a carer to your child.

I love my son, he’s the kight of my life but autism...just fuck off. I hate autism.

To all these people saying “embrace it” walk in my shoes.It will have you running in opposite direction.

The joy of autism,my arse.

I have a ds with autism.im lucky in the way of hes well behaved, good at the special school he attends etc. However, the worry is still there as although he can dress and has no toileting issues etc.he can't cross the road safely on his own, can't go out alone or ask for things in a shop. I worry as he's getting to the age where he will be leaving secondary school and what he will do next..there is a college local to me with courses for people with autism however speaking with another parent who's child goes there , all they have done lately is draw pictures and help pick up litter on the college grounds.and for me I'm sorry but that's not what I want for him.i have an older child with no disabilities who carried on to 6th form, has a job and a very active social life. And it's hard seeing the differences as I would give anything for him to have the same. So for me I'm sorry but although his mind can let him do things I can only dream of ( remembering exactly dates,things on computers) trivia etc) the anxiety and worries he has shows that it is not a gift

My DS is 26 and was diagnosed with Asperger's at 12. Those years were awful. Even as an adult he has bouts of selective mutism. He definitely wouldn't call it a gift.
We had friends who were worried to death their children wouldn't get into Russell Group universities. We were worried he would be permanently excluded.

@FrenchBoule

I recently entered a debate on fb- the support group placed a meme from the site called “Joy of Autism”.

I got absolutely flamed when I said that I don’t see any joy in autism and if I could take it away from my son I’d do it in a heartbeat.

Apparently I don’t love my son and don’t accept him.

Autism is a disability,not a gift. While I appreciate everybody has different experience of autism I can’t compare my experience of non verbal and still in nappies 7 years old son to a teenager struggling at school.

I should embrace autism apparently.
Embrace lack of sleep, shit smeared everywhere,medical issues,fighting for support with LA,older DC getting much less attention and in general our family being wrecked

I’m broken mentally and physically. But hey,embrace autism? It’s so wonderful that you got handed a lifelong sentence of being a carer to your child.

I love my son, he’s the kight of my life but autism...just fuck off. I hate autism.

To all these people saying “embrace it” walk in my shoes.It will have you running in opposite direction.

The joy of autism,my arse.

Well said ,if it gives you some small hope we got our elevan year old out of nappies this year!

@RowRowYaStoat

Autism is a gift was said by a friend when I texted saying I was having a tough day. She breezily replied ‘embrace it’ and then changed the subject to how she’s just been having a fab time with her kids

Did you correct her ?

I didn’t reply to friends text because by that point I just thought what’s the point? She’ll never understand.

Sorry to pps also having a difficult time

As the parent of a child with autism I would say that while autistic children can of course be very gifted, having autism in itself is certainly not a gift. Living in a state of heightened anxiety and rigid thinking is a burden on both the child with autism and their entire family.

You have my sympathy. I know how very hard it can be, on everyone. But in fairness to others, it is impossible to know what it is like to live with unless you HAVE lived with it. The stories, the snippets that people see, they don't convey anything like the reality. Everyone thinks my son is gifted because he genuinely has some amazing and unusual talents, but my god has life been difficult for all of us.

YANBU.

I'm autistic and it's not a gift.

There's some aspects of my personality that are probably due to the autism and which I quite like but there are so many which have caused me stress and have really impacted my relationships. I have also put myself in potentially very dangerous situations when I was young because I'm too naive and trusting (thanks to the autism).

Being a parent of autistic dc must be exhausting.

I'm autistic. I'm 37 and was diagnosed at 33. All the "autism is my superpower" crap. No I'd just like to live a standard life like most people!!

Autism is tragedy and I feel for you OP.

Ask you friend if she thinks dementia is a gift as well...

My DSIL has been sharing a friend’s new “business” - selling t-shirts and jumpers with #AutismClub which has given me the rage. It’s not a fucking club! Nor is it a gift unless we’ve suddenly morphed into a non-neurotypical world.

I had a late (mature) diagnosis of autism having had my son’s diagnosis ten yrs plus.

For me, it’s been “doable” because I mask so well. I am isolated but I like it. I have a number of acquaintances but only 2 really close friends. I have a husband and had a career in a people centred profession. So, to all intents and purposes, a “normal” life. My son is very different.

I’d much rather we hadn’t been “gifted”.