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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

New baby and divorce

119 replies

Justkeepswimming91 · 23/05/2021 07:02

First time parents and our baby is 12 weeks old.

We row constantly and it came to a head today when DH said he thought he wanted a divorce with a clean break from me our baby and our dog (i.e. he wouldn't see any of us).

I am devastated that he's said this.

The main crux of our argument seems to be around free time. I am on maternity leave and therefore take care of babba all week (I do all night shifts 7 days a week) although I do admit I do go out and walk the dog most afternoons with babba. My view is that childcare should be more 50/50 at the weekend and we should both get free time then. This is not DHs view. He says he never gets to do what he wants and I get to go out in the afternoon during the week. On this basis he should have lots of free time to do what he wants at the weekend snd I should still be primarily responsible for the baby then.

I genuinely had nor seen it this way and wondered what others did.

OP posts:

KatieKat88 · 23/05/2021 07:16

Does he do anything at home to support you and the baby? It sounds like you're already a single parent and he doesn't want his pre-baby life to change. It absolutely should not be like that. Surely he should want to spend time with his baby and supporting his wife? That is not unreasonable to expect.

AuntieStella · 23/05/2021 07:19

It doesn't matter how others see it, or whether you get online people agreeing with your view (FWIW I'm on your side)

What matters if that you and your DH do not agree, to the extent that he wants out.

You need to decide if you are going to capitulate, or if this is the end of the line.

OloBo · 23/05/2021 07:19

But your afternoons involve looking after baby. Is he proposing he gets some free time to do what he wants with baby in tow?

I think he’s being unreasonable.

While not for everyone, we both sacrificed most of our me time when the kids arrived and like to spend as much free time together as possible.

While I was on matleave:

I always did all the nights 7 days a week
my fun time was all the days with baby
he really needs exercise for his mental well-being so he squeezed in 30-60mins a few evenings awake once baby was asleep
we spent all of our weekends together as a family

Faultymain5 · 23/05/2021 07:20

Of course you are right. Isn’t it funny how in this divorce he wants a clean break from his responsibilities.

That’s really not how it works but you would never take my advice here. So I will not give it. But if this had happened to me Id do one of two things

Walk away from him (leaving him with his child), or kick him out since I’m expected to do everything, he’d have to go immediately.
I’d do the first option if I wanted to continue the relationship.

What I’m not doing is put up with his selfish laziness. Others will say you need counselling and all that and maybe you do, but if my DH said that to me Id be in my feelings about it and go nuclear.

Rosieredapples · 23/05/2021 07:21

Does he do anything with the baby at all?
A 12 week old is tough as you've had little or no sleep for a consistent amount of time that it feels exhausting and it's easy to argue over things.
To say he wants a clean break is rather shocking though, at 12 weeks he surely loves and cherishes his child?
Does he have form for this?
Did he want this baby?
He sounds like a complete shit without knowing what if anything he does do.

Figgygal · 23/05/2021 07:25

He’s a lazy selfish man child by the sounds of it and wrong to throw such threats when baby is so young
I do remember though emotions being high at that stage I actively hated my husband at times on mat leave you say you’re arguing lots was this the case Pre birth?

Dustyhedge · 23/05/2021 07:26

We is he resentful that you are walking the dog with the baby? That’s not exactly free time? He sounds like he’s being a petulant man child to be honest. What does he do and what does he want to do? Having a baby changes your life and with a 12 week old you’re still in firefighting mode. I’d be reluctant to make major life decisions like divorce at this point but you do need to work through what life changes mean. The fact that he just wants to walk away makes me think he’s a bit shit though. If he wants to leave he should be making plans for how he will step up with maintenance and maintain contact.

MattyGroves · 23/05/2021 07:28

If it counts as free time for you to walk the dog with the baby, why isn't it free time for him to look after the baby?

I also don't think you should have to do all the nights

moovinon · 23/05/2021 07:29

These sort of things make me so angry.

He thinks your "free time" is walking the dog in the evenings with your baby there? That is absolutely not free time in my mind.

I am very lucky to have a really helpful partner. We both work full time, I used to get up in the nights/mornings Mon-Fri (he would if I was too tired), then on the weekend we take it in turns to have a lie in. We also go off to do things with our friends if we want to.

It sounds like your partner is struggling with getting used to life after having a baby. Unfortunately he can't just live the same life he used to live. He now has someone else to look after whose needs come before his.

If he really does want to go, I wouldn't try fighting it. I have several friends who have partners like this. They are still with them now 3/4 years down the line and their partners do not help at all. They go out every single night surfing, on the bikes, sports etc, do whatever they want in the day. I found out that one had never, ever got up in the night to feed or look after the baby and the kid was now 4 years old. The don't give their partners any free time at all and the Mums are constantly with the kids with no time to themselves. Personally, I would rather be on my own.

I hope you manage to sort it. It is so hard initially.

LittleMG · 23/05/2021 07:31

This doesn’t sound good. He should want time with his baby. At the weekend you should be together as a family. I can totally see why you’re upset I can’t see where he’s coming from at all.

AhaShakeHeartbreak12 · 23/05/2021 07:32

We do 50/50 when DH is home, he actually takes the lead most of the time because he's missed the baby so much.

Even when he's working if I'm struggling he will help.

Did your DH not realise what parenting entailed? He sounds like a spoilt brat and I'd be going ahead with the divorce as you and your child deserve better

pinkstripeycat · 23/05/2021 07:35

My DH was v selfish like this. I always looked after the babies. When my mum offered to help when they started school I went to work. Now mine are teens I finally have free time. Dh never did anything as he thought going to work was his contribution. After 21 yrs Dh is finally doing some jobs around the house but kids no longer need much looking after. If I’d had the money I’d have left Dh years ago

drpet49 · 23/05/2021 07:37

* We row constantly and it came to a head today when DH said he thought he wanted a divorce with a clean break from me our baby and our dog (i.e. he wouldn't see any of us).*

^What? A clean break from your baby? He is happy to walk away from his baby forever. I couldn’t forgive him for saying this.

Cactusesi · 23/05/2021 07:41

Did your DH want a baby or did he do it for you? If the latter, you might need to think about doing some things for him unless you want to be a single mother.
Your DH is right that you have pleasant afternoons and he doesn't. Perhaps he should get more time off at the weekend than you.
However, It is still very early days, I know some men who didn't really bond with their children until they were toddlers.

BatleyTownswomensGuild · 23/05/2021 07:43

For context, when I was on maternity leave.

I looked after the baby all day during the week. I would go to bed earlier and DH would stay up and do a late feed around midnight and then I'd do overnight feeds.

On weekends we'd reverse it, DH would go to bed early, I'd do late feeds and he'd do overnight ones. On weekends daytime childcare was a 50/50 split.

Your child has 2 parents. 2 caregivers. DH is being unreasonable. And yes, it's hard work (especially at first) but that's the name of the game. Your partner needs to step up....

BitOfAFaff · 23/05/2021 07:48

What a man child. So your 'free time' is your afternoon walk with the dog and baby? Is he serious.

What a pathetic human. Basically what he is saying is the baby is your responsibility and he can go/do what he wants because he has no responsibility.

If he isn't bothered about seeing the baby on his 'clean break' he isn't worth shit and you're better off without him.

I'm sorry it worked out this way for you. He isn't worth wasting your energy on.

He sounds absolutely pathetic and I hope you find the strength to leave.

ThatIsMyPotato · 23/05/2021 07:50

He doesn't want to see his baby? Does he have postnatal depression?

BitOfAFaff · 23/05/2021 07:51

@Cactusesi

Did your DH want a baby or did he do it for you? If the latter, you might need to think about doing some things for him unless you want to be a single mother. Your DH is right that you have pleasant afternoons and he doesn't. Perhaps he should get more time off at the weekend than you. However, It is still very early days, I know some men who didn't really bond with their children until they were toddlers.

Are you for real? He's a piece of shit who hasn't stepped up to the role of being a parent.

You cannot reason or condone this shitty behaviour. She doesn't need to do anything for him when she is the one taking care of the baby!

Cactusesi · 23/05/2021 07:55

Taking care of a baby can be easy. Taking care of a marriage is often harder.

Original poster

Justkeepswimming91 · 23/05/2021 07:56

Thank you for your replies.

The baby was very much wanted and a joint decision. I did work before mat leave and have every intention of returning (quite frankly working is so much easier!)

I think he had completely unrealistic expectations. When I was pregnant he was so excited and would go on and on about how he would carry her around all day and spend all his time with her - that's just not the case. He likes to cuddle her but he just doesn't seem to like looking after her really he wants to pop in give her a cuddle or a quick bottle then go back to doing whatever he was doing before without thinking about her or who is looking after her now if that makes sense.

OP posts:

Cactusesi · 23/05/2021 08:00

Well he is behaving badly then. There is more to being a Dad than cuddles.
It is time for him to take his daughter to the park this afternoon.

suspiria777 · 23/05/2021 08:03

Has he ever looked after her by himself? How does he explain how, after wanting to have a child with you, and all the responsibilities that come with that, he now wants to leave you both and have nothing to do with you?

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 23/05/2021 08:07

Wow what a selfish prick, but great let him have the divorce and walk away, no horrible 50/50 care for you, your child is yours.
I can't believe anyone can be so utterly selfish and thoughtless, well I can because my first husband didn't lift a finger with our DS either. Neither of us miss him or care about him.

Sunflowergirl1 · 23/05/2021 08:11

I did all the nights when BF but after a month we started doing mixed feeding so a bottle on a night. We shared it 50/50 then even though I was on MAT leave and we shared all care on a weekend. He did more during the week when he came in on an evening bathing baby etc. Looking back maybe I was lucky

I do think he is being totally unreasonable. 12 weeks though is still early (although should be settling down now) so I wouldn't make rash decisions but I can see why some are tempted to suggest let him have his divorce!!

ThatWouldBeEnough · 23/05/2021 08:13

Well if my DH had said that to me they’d’ve got two short words in reply.

But maybe that’s not helpful!!

By his logic you get free time every afternoon, so he should get the same free time at the weekend. So he could walk the dog and take the baby whilst you are working (ie doing something for the house).

I suspect that’s not what he’s after though. He wants his pre baby life back. Well it doesn’t work like that I’m afraid. He created a human being and he has a responsibility to that human being. If he doesn’t start pitching in now in a few months time it will be “oh they only want you” and he’ll be moaning his child doesn’t want to spend time with him!

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