New baby and divorce

[Justkeepswimming91]

First time parents and our baby is 12 weeks old.

We row constantly and it came to a head today when DH said he thought he wanted a divorce with a clean break from me our baby and our dog (i.e. he wouldn't see any of us).

I am devastated that he's said this.

The main crux of our argument seems to be around free time. I am on maternity leave and therefore take care of babba all week (I do all night shifts 7 days a week) although I do admit I do go out and walk the dog most afternoons with babba. My view is that childcare should be more 50/50 at the weekend and we should both get free time then. This is not DHs view. He says he never gets to do what he wants and I get to go out in the afternoon during the week. On this basis he should have lots of free time to do what he wants at the weekend snd I should still be primarily responsible for the baby then.

I genuinely had nor seen it this way and wondered what others did.

I used the word depression because like others have commented, it won't be PND due to him not having given birth. I know what you mean and have lived with depression myself since adolescence and I know how complex things can be. You could be right of course but life experience makes me think this is a case of another father realising that parenthood is harder than expected and letting wife have to struggle through. Obviously neither you nor I will ever know the 'real truth' but from what the OP has written, she has my sympathy.

That was in response to Vegancheeseplease but the quotation button didn't work.

He's being very unreasonable.

DH was told to put on hold all of his leisure until DD was a good 4/5 months old so that we could be in a routine and have her sleeping well so evenings were less work for me,

Now she's 8m and he's started back at gym x 2 a week and football one evening a week and that is the absolute limit and what I am willing to compromise on. I have no set hobbies but I expect on a weekend to get a couple hours where I can have a little sleep if need be or chill. He does all meal times on a weekend usually as I find it bloody hard work during the week. Weaning and tidying afterward is relentless.

We've both done nights together since she was born, which I do appreciate as to be fair I expect he is bloody knackered going to work as well as nights (luckily she's slept through from around 4 months).

Maternity leave isn't a holiday and you're not at home having a laugh 24/7. Granted, it's better than work for most parents but it's relentless non stop work caring for another human who needs your undivided attention. Also, I would definitely class walking the dog as a chore but then again I'm not a big exerciser or a pet person.

@Justkeepswimming91

First time parents and our baby is 12 weeks old.

We row constantly and it came to a head today when DH said he thought he wanted a divorce with a clean break from me our baby and our dog (i.e. he wouldn't see any of us).

I am devastated that he's said this.

The main crux of our argument seems to be around free time. I am on maternity leave and therefore take care of babba all week (I do all night shifts 7 days a week) although I do admit I do go out and walk the dog most afternoons with babba. My view is that childcare should be more 50/50 at the weekend and we should both get free time then. This is not DHs view. He says he never gets to do what he wants and I get to go out in the afternoon during the week. On this basis he should have lots of free time to do what he wants at the weekend snd I should still be primarily responsible for the baby then.

I genuinely had nor seen it this way and wondered what others did.

If you are bickering over free time then you shouldn't have had a baby together. Free time? The baby is a part of your family now and you look after it together and spend your free time together. I don't get it I really don't

Tbh if my husband said that to me that would be the end of it. No good father would say that, I'd leave with the dog and baby and wouldn't make no contact!

He is struggling to accept being a dad.

It's not uncommon and I'm not defending the position.

However if everyone walked away when life got tough no one would ever be together for longer than a few months.

I struggled massively for the first few months when our DD came along - my solution was to get as involved as I could as much as I could from day 1. He needs to develop a bond with the baby - he might had PND.

One thing is for sure - the way your are heading is not good - you need to talk about how he spends more time with baby, how he can embrace the change and support you.

Hobbies/ free time don't come before family - it's a big adjustment and not everyone immediately gets it. In a ideal world men wouldn't need to be spoon fed this but some people do need it.

Dad university on YouTube is fantastic op - search him out and ask DH to watch it.

All he needs to do is engage with his life as it is once he has done that for a while he should fall in love with baby - free time and balance will slowly return but he should see now isn't the time to expect it

I'd get rid now. He resents his child. That won't change. Best to get him off the scene.

Go back to full time work (I did at 2 weeks, yes weeks not months) and ended up earning 10x my husband. It rocks!

Wow what a prick!

He thinks he should get free time, because you walk the dog while he’s at work? I’m actually speechless!

I’d bet my house on the fact that he doesn’t actually want a divorce , he’s just trying to guilt you into getting his own way.

Pack his bags and change the locks. Dick head.

It doesn't sound like there's much to discuss if he thinks walking the dog with the baby is a break for you.

When you go back to work, is he planning to split the weekends and share nursery drop-offs?

You wanted this baby, now it’s here you think it’s easy for me to spend all day looking after it (him/her) and it counts as free time, but somehow the same thing is really hard for you and doesn’t count as free time so you actually don’t want to parent as wah it’s not fair. You’re an arsehole and divorce might be best but I’ll give you a chance- why don’t you chat to a friend with kids and tell them my wife does all day, all the nights, I just want to be able to give baby a 15 minute cuddle on the weekends and then go do my thing but she’s not happy with this and see what they say? I’m giving you a chance to think this through before I tell everyone we have ever met that you walked out on us because now baby is here you think having a penis is a get out of jail free card for being a parent.

Taking the baby and dog out for a walk is hardly doing your own thing!

You wanted this baby, now it’s here you think it’s easy for me to spend all day looking after it (him/her) and it counts as free time, but somehow the same thing is really hard for you and doesn’t count as free time so you actually don’t want to parent as wah it’s not fair

I’ve seen this time abs time again in my life.

I had a friend once who found a great weekend job, would have been perfect as her Dh could have looked after the children so they would have had extra money and no childcare to pay.

He wouldn’t hear of it as it would have meant he would have no free time as he’d be working all week and then be looking after the kids at the weekend.

So she turned it round and said - “yes, but you could say the same for me, I’d be looking after the kids all week and working all weekend”.

His reply was that she was just at home with the kids all week, it wasn’t the same thing

It totally was though. He wouldn’t hear that if it was is easy for her in the week the weekends would be a doddle for him then.

He tried to rope in his mum to look after them at weekends and she didn’t take the job.

Madness.

Tbh it wouldn't really matter what the situation is, if my partner ever said that he not only wanted a clean break from me but from our baby I would never forgive him and don't think I would be able to repair the relationship beyond that. I wonder what he would do if you called him on it and kicked him out

When you go back to work, is he planning to split the weekends and share nursery drop-offs?

Oh no……. He wants a “clean break” from his wife and baby (and dog)!

Honestly, I’m just speechless.

Change the locks and make sure his family knows why. And file a claim with the CMS as soon as possible.

@BitOfAFaff

What a man child. So your 'free time' is your afternoon walk with the dog and baby? Is he serious.

What a pathetic human. Basically what he is saying is the baby is your responsibility and he can go/do what he wants because he has no responsibility.

If he isn't bothered about seeing the baby on his 'clean break' he isn't worth shit and you're better off without him.

I'm sorry it worked out this way for you. He isn't worth wasting your energy on.

He sounds absolutely pathetic and I hope you find the strength to leave.

This ^

But get advice first. He's showing his true colours and to be honest, will you ever be able to forget he was happy to drop you all in an instant..... I couldn't. It would be an elephant in the room forever more.
It sounds like you're already a single parent.
Do you own your own home, do you have joint bank accounts, do you have money of your own.... All these things have to be thought about in case he clears our any joint accounts. As he'd happy ditch his responsibilities, I wouldn't put it past him.
What are your options, do you have family close by?

If my husband said that to me he'd have been gone right there and then. No way I could forgive that, but you're not me. You need to sit down and tell him what you need, if he cant give you that, then you really need to assess where that leaves your marriage

@Justkeepswimming91

First time parents and our baby is 12 weeks old.

We row constantly and it came to a head today when DH said he thought he wanted a divorce with a clean break from me our baby and our dog (i.e. he wouldn't see any of us).

I am devastated that he's said this.

The main crux of our argument seems to be around free time. I am on maternity leave and therefore take care of babba all week (I do all night shifts 7 days a week) although I do admit I do go out and walk the dog most afternoons with babba. My view is that childcare should be more 50/50 at the weekend and we should both get free time then. This is not DHs view. He says he never gets to do what he wants and I get to go out in the afternoon during the week. On this basis he should have lots of free time to do what he wants at the weekend snd I should still be primarily responsible for the baby then.

I genuinely had nor seen it this way and wondered what others did.

Did you not discus how you would parent before you planned the pregnancy... it's always good to see if you clash before having children as it makes all the difference. Maybe you had this discussion and it wasn't covered. He is being unreasonable. Maybe he didn't realise what being a parent involved: responsibility. I feel for you.

Walking the dog with the baby does NOT count as you getting free time.

That counts as multitasking.

Guess what? Now that he is a father, he doesn't get to do what he wants when he wants without checking with his partner.