Page 3 | New baby and divorce

KingdomScrolls · 23/05/2021 09:13

Also men don't get post natal depression, they don't carry babies, they don't experience the hormonal and chemical changes. They can get episodic depression triggered by the perceived loss of their freedom/pre child life.
He just sounds like a selfish arsehole.

cochineal7 · 23/05/2021 09:13

Well if afternoons with baby and dog count as free time, I would start by giving him baby and dog for Saturday and Sunday afternoons. Just go somewhere and leave them to it. You being on call 24/7, 7 days a week while he works 5 days and then has evenings and weekends free is not equal by a long stretch.

Lotsachocolateplease · 23/05/2021 09:14

He willingly entered into parenthood, then decided it’s too much like hard work, his life has changed, he’s not getting the attention he used to get from you, the freedom to do whatever he likes, so he wants out.
No. It doesn’t work like that.
If he wants a divorce he doesn’t get to leave you all to it, he’ll need to do his fair share of childcare, pay maintenance, maybe have custody of the dog!

Op I’d actually get yourself ready and go out for the day leaving him to it with dog, baby etc to think. Tell him you need some time to process what he’s just said.

If you decide to stay together then he needs to step up.
We all need some ‘me’ time. There are ways of both having that - taking it in turns to have a lie in, going to the gym or for a run, he needs to realise that you both need this, not just him.
Good luck.,

An0n0n0n · 23/05/2021 09:15

If i was on your shoes id call his bluff and tell him to move out if he isnt prepared to do 5050 evenings, noghts and weekends.

If you try to compromose ypu are afforming his view and he will forever being doing you 'a favour' if he does any childcare.

Id be interested in heatinf what he tells his family if you send him packing- id be appalled if that was my sons attitude.

Good luck because you will need it. Xx

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 23/05/2021 09:18

Wow. So for you, looking after a baby is free time because you can do what you want. But when it's his free time, he has to spend it without the baby, because he needs proper free time because he works?

For one his argument makes no sense, either its easy to look after a baby and he can do it as well or it's hard to look after a baby and he needs to pitch in.

Why did he even have a baby if he didnt want to actually look after it and wanted his pre baby life to continue unchanged?

I'd be devastated at that comment, everyone fantasises about a child free life but he actually is considering a 'clean break' from his child and never seeing them again...that's awful.

I'm not sure what you can do about this though short of trying to leave the baby with him more so he appreciates your side. You can't make him want a relationship with his child of he doesn't want one. You can stay and do it all anyway but that seems a bit pointless without him giving any practical or emotional support.

PriestessofPing · 23/05/2021 09:21

@cochineal7

Well if afternoons with baby and dog count as free time, I would start by giving him baby and dog for Saturday and Sunday afternoons. Just go somewhere and leave them to it. You being on call 24/7, 7 days a week while he works 5 days and then has evenings and weekends free is not equal by a long stretch.

That’s actually a really good idea. Have you suggested this to him? It would be interesting if he would consider taking the dog for a walk with his baby in tow to be adequate free time.

Ellpellwood · 23/05/2021 09:22

This is a tale as old as time, OP. Well done for at least questioning it and not just agreeing that your life is baby 7 days a week while his is 5 days work and 2 days jolly. Anything involving sole care of a 3 month old is not free time.

The answer really is an enormous bollocking for being such a shithead and seeing if you can hash it out, but I'm not sure I could forgive him threatening to leave you to it.

CassandraTrotter · 23/05/2021 09:25

Well if afternoons with baby and dog count as free time, I would start by giving him baby and dog for Saturday and Sunday afternoons. Just go somewhere and leave them to it. You being on call 24/7, 7 days a week while he works 5 days and then has evenings and weekends free is not equal by a long stretch.
That’s actually a really good idea. Have you suggested this to him? It would be interesting if he would consider taking the dog for a walk with his baby in tow to be adequate free time.

I don't see how this will help at all. He is clearly a lazy arse. This will just confirm in his mind he wants out.

Op, have you suggested sharing maternity leave? He does the last couple of months? And you do exactly what he does? Me and my dh shared my first mat leave quite by accident, but I'm convinced that's what made him see the realities of it and understand what parenting actually involves.

Throughabushbackwards · 23/05/2021 09:26

Agree with pp that you should reach out to both your family and his and tell them what he has said about leaving you. You need support and - hopefully - someone will step in for you and give his head a wobble about what a selfish arse he is being.

YouWerePrettyIWasLonely · 23/05/2021 09:26

He is trying to emotionally abuse and manipulate you. He's going to use the ' clean break' threat as a way of shutting you down, it will continue when you're back at work, paying for all the childcare, doing all the house work and burning out. If you dare ask him to put a wash on he will throw around his threats. He gets a cushy life with his slave doing all the work.
Take him up on his threat now because you are going to end up with all the responsibilities anyway. Only difference is if you want your daughter thinking you're only a step up from a household appliance or not.

PriestessofPing · 23/05/2021 09:29

Saying that - It’s hard as you know with a newborn. The massive change to lifestyle is a huge shock to the system and the early months are tough. The kindest way I can interpret what he’s said is he is feeling fatigued with the changes and the enormity of how his life has changed has hit him and his reaction is to feel like he wants to cut and run.

It’s possible that he will get over it and accept the change in his life and step up. And though my cynical head says just tell him to do one then and that he is pathetic for choosing to bring a new life into the world and then deciding it’s not for him - to be such a fucking child himself that he wants to run away from this lifelong responsibility - perhaps it is worth waiting a bit for him to accept it and step up and try to discuss with him how scary it is becoming a new parent.

So I guess i’d give him that chance to work through his resentment and feeling trapped by his choices. But only a bit of a chance because you’ve stepped up and are doing great by the sounds of it.

PriestessofPing · 23/05/2021 09:30

But do NOT let him set the tone of being a half assed dad while you do it all because of his woe is me attitude. You’ll regret it in the long term. Guess a balance of some understanding and also not taking his bullshit.

VeganCheesePlease · 23/05/2021 09:31

I completely hear you and I can only imagine how devastating those words must have felt . What i would say though, is there any way he's a bit overwhelmed? Men can get PND and could that possibly be the case? I think you need a real serious conversation about this to find out if this how he's really feeling.

tentosix · 23/05/2021 09:35

Try some marriage counselling, as he seems to have no idea what family live and equality means. If it doesn't work tell him to fuck off and get on with the single life he actually wants.

Dddccc · 23/05/2021 09:35

Hmm in 2 minds here what does he want to do? And whatever it is you have told him no so probably the main cause of arguments, have you sat down with him and explained you will be going back to work ect and care will need to be 50/50, but no your afternoon walk does not count as free time for you and it sounds like you need to find a new middle ground having a child throws people out of sorts,

Weenurse · 23/05/2021 09:36

Mine did not do night feeds, but I went back to work after 6 weeks, so he had to do dinner, bed and bath. ( I worked 6-12pm).
This gave him time to develop his own relationship with DD1.
Maybe go to the gym or a hobbie for a few hours a week and make sure he gets a similar amount of free time.
Some men do become arses though

CanofCant · 23/05/2021 09:42

Although meant in a kind and generous way, the suggestions he is overwhelmed or suffering from PND is laughable and frankly insulting to the OP. He does fuck all to be overwhelmed by. If he got stuck in and did he fair share then there would be less of a strain on OP and therefore the whole household and life would be less overwhelming for the family in general.

OP, I would make the decision to file for divorce, take control and don't let him fuck you about by trying to get you to dance to his tune.

Sceptre86 · 23/05/2021 09:51

Is he a good partner normally? Are housework other chores usually 50:50? Did you ever talk about how you would share out things once the baby had arrived?

The first few weeks with a newborn can be incredibly hard especially if you are still recovering and your baby is not drinking or sleeping well. Even if your baby if drinking well, night wake ups for some people are incredibly difficult. The early days are tough on new parents and relationships but if you have a good relationship normally I wouldn't throw it away. Having said that he doesn't do enough for the baby once he is home and I would find it incredibly hard to respect someone who doesn't step in when his partner is tired and needs a break.

My dh works full time and would still do the night shift with our children 3 days a week. We are having a 3rd and he is ready and willing to do this when lo arrives. When we had dd he would miss her when he was at work, get home and feed her and quite often he would take over so that he could spend time with her. I don't think that dh was doing me any favours by taking care of his child (women that do have a mindset that needs to change), he was being a responsible loving parent which was his role as much as mine.

Have another talk with him, if he doesn't step up or change then you will need to decide if you are prepared to continue being a single parent in a relationship.

Daleksatemyshed · 23/05/2021 09:53

I agree with @Quartz2208 and @YouWerePrettyIWasLonely, he doesn't really expect you to agree to a clean break. It's a threat_ let me do as I like or I'll make our baby Fatherless, and he's sure you'll be desperate for him to stay for the babies sake.
It's an awful thing for him to say and he needs putting straight. I'm so sorry he's being such an arse.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 23/05/2021 09:57

He told you he wants a divorce with no contact with you or the baby

He's told you how little he thinks of you and your child

Why is he still there?

Mumoftwo1990 · 23/05/2021 10:00

@Justkeepswimming91

First time parents and our baby is 12 weeks old.

We row constantly and it came to a head today when DH said he thought he wanted a divorce with a clean break from me our baby and our dog (i.e. he wouldn't see any of us).

I am devastated that he's said this.

The main crux of our argument seems to be around free time. I am on maternity leave and therefore take care of babba all week (I do all night shifts 7 days a week) although I do admit I do go out and walk the dog most afternoons with babba. My view is that childcare should be more 50/50 at the weekend and we should both get free time then. This is not DHs view. He says he never gets to do what he wants and I get to go out in the afternoon during the week. On this basis he should have lots of free time to do what he wants at the weekend snd I should still be primarily responsible for the baby then.

I genuinely had nor seen it this way and wondered what others did.

A baby is always a test, divorcing is one thing but saying he's walking away completely. He's a waste of space, I know you don't want to hear this but can you imagine your kid finding out he said this when they're older. I don't want to judge because I'm not in your shoes and you're in a vulnerable state with a new baby. But he doesn't sound like a good man.

dottiedodah · 23/05/2021 10:12

How is he normally? A baby can be an enormous shock to the system TBH! What age is he ,Some men can feel trapped by the huge responsibility of a young baby,they feel they want to be child free again! I would as above PP stated see what your families think and whether they can speak to him and make him see sense.If he is normally loving and kind ,hopefully just a blip .If he is always a selfish so and so and wont listen to reason ,then maybe make plans to leave .Not easy with a babe for sure .

Livpool · 23/05/2021 10:17

He sounds awful!

DH did 50% of everything when he was home when I was on mat leave - even some night feeds when he was in work the next day. I can't imagine a decent man doing anything else

PurpleFlower1983 · 23/05/2021 10:23

My first reaction is that he is being a twat and needs to step up to being a proper dad but I’ve read that post-natal depression can be a thing for men too so it might be worth looking into that?

crimsonlake · 23/05/2021 10:26

What a selfish arse he is and I feel angry on your behalf.
My ex was similar many years ago when mine were babies, but thankfully things have progressed for women since then, but not in your case.
At the time I did everything for my babies, it was just the norm back then. He would regularly go out mid week with work and stay out overnight, also refused to give up his rugby on a Saturday which usually involved an overnighter. Looking back I cannot believe I let this go on, but I think I thought I was being a 'cool' wife and in fact he would not take kindly to being told what to do.
Some men want to continue living the single life whilst having a family, your's unforunately sounds like one of them.