New baby and divorce

[Justkeepswimming91]

First time parents and our baby is 12 weeks old.

We row constantly and it came to a head today when DH said he thought he wanted a divorce with a clean break from me our baby and our dog (i.e. he wouldn't see any of us).

I am devastated that he's said this.

The main crux of our argument seems to be around free time. I am on maternity leave and therefore take care of babba all week (I do all night shifts 7 days a week) although I do admit I do go out and walk the dog most afternoons with babba. My view is that childcare should be more 50/50 at the weekend and we should both get free time then. This is not DHs view. He says he never gets to do what he wants and I get to go out in the afternoon during the week. On this basis he should have lots of free time to do what he wants at the weekend snd I should still be primarily responsible for the baby then.

I genuinely had nor seen it this way and wondered what others did.

Does he really want a divorce or is this blackmail?
As in "oh I don't get to have my weekends free so unless you agree to carry in doing weekend childcare and I get my own way then I'm off and I won't bother seeing any of you"
Sounds like a ridiculous person.
I'd be worried if you do stay with him that he'll just spit out his dummy every time you disagree and threaten this " oh I'm off then...." like a complete idiot.

Be very careful what you agree to. This sounds ridiculous.

He doesn't want to see his baby? Does he have postnatal depression?

God this makes my teeth itch. Women really can’t have anything! It’s not ‘postnatal’ depression, he hasn’t gone through pregnancy, childbirth and all the hormonal and physical changes that comes with. To imply men suffer from postnatal depression too, minimises what women go through. Just call it depression, that’s fine.

OP, I don’t think I could ever see him the same again, he’s willing to walk away completely from his wanted, planned, 12 week old baby? What kind of father is he?

I'm sorry you're going through this. In my experience, this won't get any better he will always see the baby as your job, not his.

This happened with my first baby. His dad didn't take him anywhere on his own until he was about 2.5 and even then it was once a week to the park for an hour.

Stupidly, I went on to get pregnant again. We split up when I was 9 weeks pregnant. The only small bonus of this situation is that he has to have prearranged contact and he has to step up to do things like nappy changes etc as he is not here all the time so I do get something resembling a break.

Youre pretty much already doing this on your own, if he can't step up and take his responsibility now during one of the toughest things you can experience in life then he probably never will.

Naunet sorry your teeth are itchy. I am only calling it that as that is what my health visitor called it. If I've been miseducated I apologise and will just call it depression.

@KingdomScrolls

Also men don't get post natal depression, they don't carry babies, they don't experience the hormonal and chemical changes. They can get episodic depression triggered by the perceived loss of their freedom/pre child life. He just sounds like a selfish arsehole.

Again, apologies. It seems I was misinformed by my HV.

Does he have depression OP? It's not an excuse but if it's out of character it may explain it? I would find it hard to forgive though.

@ThatIsMyPotato

Naunet sorry your teeth are itchy. I am only calling it that as that is what my health visitor called it. If I've been miseducated I apologise and will just call it depression.

Sorry, it wasn’t a go at you, I know this is a popular term to use now, it just fucks me off!

He’s selfish.

Me and Dh have been together a long time and have had three babies over 18 years, the youngest is only 9 months.

I’ve always been a SAHM unto they are 4ish but the way we do it in our home if I’d of you see something that needs doing, just do it. So even if Dh has been working all day abs the house is a tip/kitchen needs a full clean because a Velcro baby has refused to sit in a high chair so I can clean as I go along, he’ll just come in and do it. No drama.

I never managed to bf any of mine so Dh always makes the bottles for night feed and I feed them.

You are supposed to work as a team and help each other out. The way we see it is the children and the house are both out responsibility so we just have to do what ever is necessary and sometimes that means taking on a bit more if the other is busy/ill etc, even at the times when I have been at home.

It sounds like your partner is struggling with getting used to life after having a baby. Unfortunately he can't just live the same life he used to live. He now has someone else to look after whose needs come before his.

I think this is it. Unfortunately many, many people never quite manage this jump. We read about them on here all the time. The advantage is you have seen the light early. If there's any way you can manage financially without his input, the rest of your life has already fallen into place and you won't really notice he's gone - you'll just feel relief.

Naunet no worries, I genuinely didn't know otherwise so thanks for letting me know.

Jesus OP, he sounds awful! The first few months after having a baby is famously not the time to consider divorce, most couple's argue all the time, you are tired. But despite that, the things he is saying are horrendous. He wants a clean break from his newborn baby after 12 weeks? He expects you to be the primary carer 100% of the time?

If he stands by either of those two things then he is an utter twat. Consider depression but if it's not that then he needs to buck up his ideas. Yes he should be sharing parenting duties whilst not at work and no he should not expect a clean break if you split. He needs to accept his new reality as a father.

Your baby has a father who is not head over heals in love with him/her, doesn't long to be with them as much as possible. . That lack of attachment is unlikely to change as they grow up. You're going to be parenting on your own.

From bitter experience you need to take him at his work and throw him out now as he is a sexist and selfish man-child.

He expects you to work/be on call 168 hours per week whilst he works 40 hours per week. He wants a dolly to play with that he can pick up and cuddle not a baby. Take him at his word and hopefully his mother and family will rip him to piece once they find out what a selfish lazy cunt he is.

Wow op it seems your soon to be ex isn’t mature enough to handle a child or a wife, seems he needs to grow up. Personally I’d boot him out and give him his selfish request, he won’t change and you will be better off with out the dead weight

Call his bluff...he may come crawling back but it would be no great loss if he didn't.

@Justkeepswimming91

Thank you for your replies.

The baby was very much wanted and a joint decision. I did work before mat leave and have every intention of returning (quite frankly working is so much easier!)

I think he had completely unrealistic expectations. When I was pregnant he was so excited and would go on and on about how he would carry her around all day and spend all his time with her - that's just not the case. He likes to cuddle her but he just doesn't seem to like looking after her really he wants to pop in give her a cuddle or a quick bottle then go back to doing whatever he was doing before without thinking about her or who is looking after her now if that makes sense.

I could have written this 10 weeks ago... I left mine, well made him leave because why should I! He now spends quality time with lo (although no overnights because I’m not willing or ready to do that yet) and appreciates how selfish he was at the start... so much so he wants us to get back together. He has a lot of making up to do. Some men just don’t get it and think babies are a fairy tail not realising stress levels will be high, lack of sleep, constant demands from baby etc... I hope your ok op x

He's a selfish twat.

Your job is not 24/7 while he expect to clock off in the evening, nights and weekends.

Childcare is a full time job. If you had a nanny looking after your baby they would want a full time wage. Exactly the same way as your DH does a full time job. You are BOTH doing full time jobs and BOTH need respite from these at the weekend. If he doesn’t believe this, let him look after your baby for a full day without help and see how he gets on.

Also I don’t agree with other PPs calling it depression. Generally depression results in a total lack of wanting to do anything, not a desire to go out and socialise and do exercise or whatever he wants to do with his free time.

Totally unreasonable - so sorry OP what a horrible situation for you. If he wants to calculate equivalents to his 40/50 hour work week, then I think you’ll trump him (even if you don’t count the bloody afternoon dog walk). His expectations where and are utterly unreasonable. For him to be so extreme in his reaction (rather than just readjust expectations and work with you through the tough) is horrible and selfish.

Tough in terms of what to do. Part of my thinks fuck him, and the other part says don’t because that’s putting it all on you. But then, with a baby in the mix, I’m not sure the latter approach will work. So maybe just fuck him and make sure you advocate for everything you need from the divorce

FWIW my husband’s expectations were also unreasonable and he didn’t cope well with my DD when she was a baby. We got through it by compromise here and there (and me taking most, but not all, of the load). Not perfect by any means.

@CanofCant

Although meant in a kind and generous way, the suggestions he is overwhelmed or suffering from PND is laughable and frankly insulting to the OP. He does fuck all to be overwhelmed by. If he got stuck in and did he fair share then there would be less of a strain on OP and therefore the whole household and life would be less overwhelming for the family in general.

OP, I would make the decision to file for divorce, take control and don't let him fuck you about by trying to get you to dance to his tune.

Respectfully, I think saying someone does fuck all so can't possibly claim having a mental illness is very unfair. I'm not suggesting he does have, just making that as a suggestion. I think it's always useful to remember on MN we don't always get the full story from one post so exploring all possibilities is sometimes prudent. If it isn't the case and he's being a useless arse then that's fair enough, and OP can take action from there.

I'm a SAHM to 3 (previously our roles had been reversed and DH had been the SAHP which I think makes a massive difference in that he actually gets what it's like being at home all day with a baby) and we always split the free time. So DH (previously me) works 9-5 for example. We're all up chipping in getting everyone ready and fed and packed etc in the morning. He goes to work, I'm in sole charge of the children during this time. That's my job. I clean up after them, feed them etc and if I've spare time to do household jobs, admin, groceries etc then that's a bonus, but the priority is the kids and some days thats literally all you have time for. DH comes home from work and we're back to splitting. One of us has the kids while one of us cooks, we then swap so the other one washes up after. We either do bed time together or alternate nights. We split the leftover housework between us. This means we're both sitting down for free time at about 8.30pm . At weekends, we both get one lie in each, and everything over the weekend is split between us.

I genuinely think that this only works because each of us has taken the hit at being the SAHP and both prefer being the working parent so actually appreciate and fully understand how the SAHP is feeling, and that being at home with kids is not free time, and will lead to burn out.

I really feel for you OP. I think this is an issue for most new parents but it tends to settle down when everyone gets used to the new dynamics. Having a baby is a huge shock and literally turns your life upside down and to be fair, it takes some getting used to. Having a baby is a wonderful thing but it's damn hard and there's no shame in admitting that not everybody takes to their new roles naturally and I wonder if your husband is particularly struggling here? No, I am absolutely not saying his behaviour is ok, it's far from it. Raising a child very much takes two and your daughter is both your responsibilities, regardless who is at work and who is at maternity leave (which is also hard work!!) I do wonder if your husband is having a hard time adjusting and may benefit from professional help? Wishing you well OP

What are his parents like? Would they back him in this or see he’s a completely selfish prick? Does he have any friends who are dads who pull their weight? Unless he shapes up rapidly you’d be better off with him out.

I know couples where the SAHM didnt really let the Dad get a look in but I dont know any Dads who didnt want to spend time with the baby. As a result some of the men couldnt be left with the kids overnight until they were teens as they never gained confidence doing it on their own. The baby is bottle fed so take yourself out for the whole day and leave him to it. Turn your phone off. Leave the dog to be walked. Tell your parents and the PIL not to come to his rescue. He needs to understand what looking after a baby all day is like. He doesnt know as you have always been there. The baby will be fine just as it was with you when you were learning. He should be doing some nights too. You must be exhausted. Suggest you share the mat leave with him and you go back to work and he can have all that 'spare time'.

Completely agree with @TedHastingsweeDonkey. The early newborn days are really hard. Someone up thread went on about men not being allowed to have PND. If that is true, men don't necessarily have the same instinct to nurture that kicks in for most mothers. Our biology and hormones all plays a part. Some men have to learn to nurture and feel like a parent. I know lots of men that struggled in the early days but quickly turned into great Dads once they bonded.
Op, perhaps encourage your husband to have some time alone with the baby. In caring for for her he will build an attachment.
Good luck. It is a really hard time. I hope things improve.