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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New baby and divorce

119 replies

Justkeepswimming91 · 23/05/2021 07:02

First time parents and our baby is 12 weeks old.

We row constantly and it came to a head today when DH said he thought he wanted a divorce with a clean break from me our baby and our dog (i.e. he wouldn't see any of us).

I am devastated that he's said this.

The main crux of our argument seems to be around free time. I am on maternity leave and therefore take care of babba all week (I do all night shifts 7 days a week) although I do admit I do go out and walk the dog most afternoons with babba. My view is that childcare should be more 50/50 at the weekend and we should both get free time then. This is not DHs view. He says he never gets to do what he wants and I get to go out in the afternoon during the week. On this basis he should have lots of free time to do what he wants at the weekend snd I should still be primarily responsible for the baby then.

I genuinely had nor seen it this way and wondered what others did.

OP posts:
DinosaurDiana · 23/05/2021 08:16

Does your DH have a mum ? It might be time for her to have a word with him.

stairway · 23/05/2021 08:17

Little babies only need one main carer. The second carer can feel left out. I don’t think also it is that unusual for men not to be too interested when baby is really little as the baby often only wants mummy anyway. I do think it’s a bit sad he doesn’t want to spend the weekends with you and the baby but then you say you argue all the time so maybe that’s why.

Liverbird77 · 23/05/2021 08:23

He's absolutely fucking crazy!
I am a sahm and my husband still does his share of cooking, cleaning, childcare. He's bathing the baby at the moment!
It's so hard with young children.
He is being a selfish prick. He should be supporting you and doing his fair share of nights too.
Sorry you're going through this.

TimeForTeaAndG · 23/05/2021 08:23

you say you argue all the time so maybe that’s why

Maybe they argue all the time because OP is doing everything and he's a lazy arse who thinks he should be able to waltz about and do nothing practical to raise the child he helped create.

Doomsdayisstillcoming · 23/05/2021 08:28

@DinosaurDiana

Does your DH have a mum ? It might be time for her to have a word with him.
Does your DH have a fucking brain? Might be time for someone to check.

But first, his mother should take full responsibility for him being a shitbag.

FelicityPike · 23/05/2021 08:29

I’d have his bags packed waiting for him at the front door!
Ignorant, petulant shite.

billy1966 · 23/05/2021 08:32

What an absolute waster.

You poor women.

Get support from family.
Tell them the truth.

Let him go.

He is a waster.

Flowers
JackieWeaverFever · 23/05/2021 08:34

He is a total dick.
You are honestly best off addressing this now.

I would openly be telling his mother, father friends and family about this behaviour.
I'd also pack a bag and tell him to get out. Now. Today.

He needs a radical attitude adjustment now or your life will honestly be hell. This would be ultimatum time for me.

Doomsdayisstillcoming · 23/05/2021 08:35

What were his opinions before you had the baby?

Did he seem like the kind of guy that was going to pitch in? Did he help around the house before? Did he help make your life easier, or was he always a fucking burden?

Men don’t change. Having a kid will not change their personalities.

Cactusesi · 23/05/2021 08:35

Sorry Billy, OP cant tell the family the truth. Women never discuss personal or relationship problems with their families once they are married and they strongly object if their husbands discuss the same with their mothers.

blackcat86 · 23/05/2021 08:37

Hang on, walking the dog is not free time. The dog needs to be walked as part of the responsibility of pet ownership and you take the baby to so it's not a little jolly is it. Its getting both and baby and dog out as part of caring for them. I would personally be taking him up on his offer as I fail to see what he offers in the relationship and the fact he would plan to just not see his child would utterly disgust me. You are doing everything and he is totally ungrateful. He doesn't care about you or appreciate you because all he cares about is himself and more free time for him.. I suspect he just wants to go back to his bachelor days

Sunnyjac · 23/05/2021 08:39

I am speechless. A man who claimed he wanted his child is then prepared to walk away forever after 12 weeks. Just wow. I would find it very hard to recover the relationship after that. It’s one thing to say ‘I’m not happy, we’re arguing all the time and I want to divorce’ (which is pathetic in itself, 12 weeks and he’s done with no attempt to resolve things?) but to go from married to cutting you all out of his life is insane!

I think it’s time for a frank discussion about what it takes to raise a child, the time, effort and exhaustion involved, and what he thought would be involved. I couldn’t have imagined free time when mine were that age as I was so tired and pinned to the sofa a lot due to breastfeeding. This is the time for him to bond with baby and step up his involvement in household chores. If he’s not on board with you as a team now it doesn’t sound like he ever will be. Having a small baby is all-consuming, he needs to understand this and step up.

blackcat86 · 23/05/2021 08:40

Also, do not keep this a secret for him. Reach out to friends, family and your HV for support because you need a solid network around you. He won't like it because he'll want to keep portraying a good image but it's you that needs all the support you can get right now

DinosaurDiana · 23/05/2021 08:41

@Cactusesi

Sorry Billy, OP cant tell the family the truth. Women never discuss personal or relationship problems with their families once they are married and they strongly object if their husbands discuss the same with their mothers.
I’m going to have to disagree with you there.
Christmasfairy2020 · 23/05/2021 08:48

I used to go in Bath for hours at night and dh watched and looked after baby. In fact he used to do some interesting pictures with her laid down in a man United blanket with her fist in air Hmm

On a diff note he is sat downstairs now with her who is 6 now and I'm in bed as he is off Mondays from work so he has Mondays as his lie in

riotlady · 23/05/2021 08:51

Has he always been this selfish? He sounds utterly terrible

Mylittlepony374 · 23/05/2021 08:51

This is not ok. He should be 50:50 when he's home. My husband used to get half hour to shower etc (trade job) then take over baby from about 6pm to 10pm while I slept/stared at a wall/whatever I needed to do. Then I'd do night shift again.
That he says he wants a clean break from his own baby is nearly unforgivable.
I'm sorry you're in this position. I have no real suggestions other than clearly state what you and baby need e.g. 6pm to 10pm is his responsibility every day etc. Before you lay that out you decide yourself what the outcome is e.g. If he doesn't step up, are you prepared to leave? Or will you stay regardless?

PastaLaVistaBBY · 23/05/2021 08:53

The fact that he is even contemplating a ‘clean break’ from his baby shows he’s an awful, awful man. I would be inclined to take him at his word but make sure you pursue him for every penny of maintenance he will owe. If he doesn’t love his child, let alone you, I can’t see how there is any hope for the marriage.

Quartz2208 · 23/05/2021 08:55

call his bluff this is a play to get you to back down. Tell him if he cant handle parenting and splitting time then it is better that he does. If he decides that he wants to parent together then its fine but he cant wait too long

trevthecat · 23/05/2021 08:55

He is willing to walk away and never see any of you again.

Please let that sink in

Spandang · 23/05/2021 08:58

I don’t think I could forgive him for saying that, my heart breaks just reading it.

It sounds like you’d be better off without him. I’d pack him a bag, change the locks and start both divorce and child maintenance proceedings. Make sure his mum and dad know what an awful human he is too.

If he wants his free time, give it to him. With a bucket load of shame and a side portion of living with his parents.

anuvamotherhood · 23/05/2021 08:59

I'd go out and leave him with baby on a whim so he has no choice. Leave him for a few hours and see how he copes, if he still lacks understanding for how hard it is for you... divorce.

EverdeRose · 23/05/2021 09:02

Pack his bags and tell him to sling his hook.

Give him the clean break he so desperately wants and absolve him of all responsibility. You don't want to raise a child in that house, they'll know he didn't want them and put himself first, they'll resent him and then you for it.

KingdomScrolls · 23/05/2021 09:11

Personally we didn't get a lot of free time at the weekends when DS was that small other than an hour or two for a bath/book etc because I was with DS all week and DH was working so at weekends we wanted to spend time as a family. DH did pull his weight during the week and at weekends, I'd do night feeds but then DH would get up earlier with DS while he was getting ready for work etc so I could lie in, I also went to bed earlier and he'd stay up until eleven ish and either give a bottle of expressed milk or just bring him to be for his last feed. When I went back we both consolidated hours FT over 4 days so both have a day alone with DS and the weekends off together. Still don't get free personal time every weekend, either of us because we like doing family things. Last night I went for dinner with a friend, tonight DH is going to visit one of his but it's not something we do every week.

user1471538283 · 23/05/2021 09:13

Dear god! You dont have any free time so why should he? He should want to spend time with the baby and actually parent her! His answer is to just jack it all in? I'd let him. He doesn't add anything.

I had one like that. He did absolutely nothing and we split up when DS was 6 months old.

My DF worked full time, rushed home and spent time with me all evenings.