To think there are some really unkind and judgemental people on mumsnet

[Kaylasmum49]

Mostly when I've posted on here I have had kind and understanding replies but almost every time there are some really nasty and ridiculing posts directed at me.

I joined mumsnet around 20 years ago and honestly people were generally kinder back then. What's happened to make some people so unkind?

I know we're supposed to report nasty posts, but I think a downvote button would help manage nasty comments. Usually 2-5 posters tell nasty commenters off but if thet saw they were getting loads of downvotes they'd think twice.

They've been drinking. It's worse nearer the end of the week.

My guess is that a lot of these people aren't that cruel and unpleasant in real life. I think they use MN as an anonymous way to vent their frustrations at strangers on the internet.

Keyboard warriors. I don't think for a minute they would behave that way in real life.

Well, maybe some of them

I had a thread made about me, it was horrendous. Not to mention complete lies. MN tore "me" to shreds. I'd even posted on it, ironically asking her to talk to her friend in case they had been misunderstandings.. I found out after they literally threw it at me as proof of what a worthless bitch I am (amongst other things I was called). She was full of glee to tell me she'd been right about me all along.

Despite knowing it wasn't true, I was devastated. I'd trusted her with things I'd told no one and she then turned it into malicious gossip about how I was a pathological liar amongst other things on here and it ran to pages, there was even another thread after she'd confronted me.

I ended the friendship. I only told one person, because they saw me afterwards and I was devastated and they said they'd tell no one and not to worry no one knew it was me and they kept their word. She on the other hand spurred on by her thread(s) told everyone. She kept trying to be my friend all of the time after, phoning, coming round, leaving gifts and cards then bitching about me not taking a hint, trying to "suck her back in". It got to the point where she would slag me off to anyone. BUT I'd told no one, she assumed I had, and the people she was telling this to unlike on MN actually knew me.

She's still here. Posting about me every now and then. I know her username. She told me it was safe to post here as I'm not and never will be a mum so I wouldn't be allowed 🙄

It did teach me though that what people post about others is simply a point of view.

But yes, sometimes these things spill over into real life with real life consequences. Not trolls but others. Also it's one point of view, or in my case a view which was utter rubbish designed to hurt as much as she could.

@Becca19962014 that's horrendous and exactly the perfect example of me always thinking that the other side may have fundamentally different story

@Geamhradh oooh, did there used to be a resident Queen Bitch of mums net? I’m intrigued. I’m going off to try find the clothes thread you mentioned

@Becca19962014
That's so outrageous, how come that poster wasn't banned? That must have been so hard .

It’s vicious. So is real life. ‘Be kind’ was short lived x

I came on 12 years ago and everyone was sniping at each other over squash and Gregg's sausage rolls. I don't think it's changed that much but yes some people are horrid.

I also find people really contrary and have seen someone post a situation from one side, be told they're unreasonable then an opposite post a few days later also being told they're unreasonable. E.g. "AIBU to think cats are better than dogs" would be told they're unreasonable then "AIBU to say dogs are better than cats"...also unreasonable. Or people only bother to comment on posts when they can have a jolly good go at the OP maybe.

MN is full of grown women that failed at being queen bee in high school. MN gives them the opportunity to pretend they are someone else. Just a shame they choose to drag down other women to make themselves feel better.

I've been here 10 years and I think in general it's a bit more brutal than it used to be - perhaps partly just because it's ever bigger and therefore more anonymous and less accountable.

I think AIBU is often outright nasty.

BUT I was saying only earlier this week, that I probably wouldn't have succeeded in breastfeeding my first child without the kindness and wisdom of mumsnet. I haven't had cause to visit the infant feeding topic for years and years, but I still think there's lots of thoughtful, supportive and insightful posts in Parenting and Relationships, for example. I've been on very funny threads, very informative threads, the lovely antenatal threads when I had my DC2.

Some conversations are never going to be comfortable and nor should they be. That's a sentiment sometimes used to cover quite vicious point-scoring as 'robust debate' though. There are definitely some posters here who probably wouldn't say boo to a goose in real life but love to act tough behind their keyboards for their own enjoyment, but that's true right across the Internet and mumsnet is definitely better than twitter in that regard!

Indeed, where is the compassion?! Honestly it's rare that I see the considered comments, the ones that appreciate the variations in human experience and psychology and truly want to help 🙁

The compassion, and considered comments can be found but in the specific topics. For some reason though everyone wants to post in AIBU 'for traffic' regardless of what it's about.

You know what? I never told her. I felt so ashamed I didn't want her to know. Now I just make the occaisonal passive agressive post just in case she's reading... If she has she's never twigged. Posts about it every now and then, no idea why it was in 2013!!

I don’t understand people who make complaints like this. If MN is such an awful place, peopled by such nasty individuals, why do they stay? Why not just say “You lot are unredeemably horrible people, and I’m off to find somewhere better!”

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius

I don’t understand people who make complaints like this. If MN is such an awful place, peopled by such nasty individuals, why do they stay? Why not just say “You lot are unredeemably horrible people, and I’m off to find somewhere better!”

There does seem to be quite a few people on MN that just don't like MN. They don't like the people that post on here or the lack of a 'Like' button which all the other amazing sites they go on have.

What I find odd is the hard lines, it's very black & white. In real life 2 people can both be in the wrong or right & both sides can be considered.

I also think posters project a lot, there was a recent thread about inheritance & rather than give the benefit of the doubt people jump to golden child or greedy scenarios
etc Similar with DH is home late from work once threads which escalate to he's got a secret family. Some posters may love drama & lack it in RL I guess.

I think there’s some really funny people on here as in great and entertaining threads but some have a massive superiority complex and like to kick people while they are down. 9 years ago I was talking about mix feeding as a way to keep giving my twins breast milk and I said I’d cup fed dc formula in scbu as I couldn’t stretch out enough expressed colostrum and dtd were losing weight. One poster told me I’d “ruined my dtds’ virgin gut by giving them formula in those first few days!” I left mn for about 5 years after that comment. It didn’t upset me just made me decide it wasn’t the supportive place I needed back then. Now I’m mostly on property and doghouse (as we have a lockdown puppy - yes we paid a lot and yes he’s totally worth it, keeping Dh sane while working from home, and yes he’s with us got life.)

Agreed there is an awful lot of bullying on here and Mumsnet don’t really do enough about it. If you start a thread inviting a mature discussion and someone puts a nasty twist on it and bully the op, the thread will get deleted. The bullies win on here and that’s why they continue. I’ve seen some truly awful comments that have just been left on there, it shouldn’t be acceptable especially when people post to ask for help.

Oh and I managed up breast feed for 6 months with one bottle a day - a balance that worked for us.

I think part of the problem is the sheer size of the pool of people being called upon for advice. There are always going to be a few nasty people and also a few who aren't nasty, but struggle to disagree without sounding rude. It can be difficult to convey tone on a screen. There's also the fact that if you decided to confide in someone in real life, you would choose someone whose opinion you value, someone empathetic, someone who will give an honest opinion, but in a caring and supportive manner. When you post on here, all sorts of people come out of the woodwork, people you would never dream of asking for opinions or advice in real life because you know they don't give a stuff about you or your predicament.

It's a law of Mumsnet that the first page of every thread must contain at least one comment that's rude, judgemental, pedantic, stealth boasting or just plain bonkers.

In all seriousness, I think people compete on AIBU to see who can be the most ruthlessly direct or brutally honest. They think it's witty and hilarious but in reality it's just boring and I think much more highly of posters who, even if they think the OP is being completely unreasonable, take the time to say so kindly or at least politely. Especially when the OP is in genuine distress or perhaps in a situation where their perception might be skewed, e.g first time mother or suffering from anxiety. And on the anxiety note, I hate it when posters do the faux concern "have you sought help for your anxiety OP" thing. It's not genuine concern, it's code for "I think your concern is ridiculous".

People need to get out of AIBU more. If they think the topic is so awful.

To be honest sparkling it has infiltrated the rest of MN.

There is a bit of a MN ‘game’, where a poster is clearly a bit agitated or stressed and other posters pretend not to understand her (something like ‘I found him cheating, should I throw him out? Ds is watching CBeebies and I don’t want to disturb him, what should I do?’ Then you get a load of and ‘do you mean your husband or your son’ posts, which okay fair enough the poster could have been clearer but it’s still obvious!

Then the posters who are at anything that deviates even slightly from their lives. Why doesn’t the OP go out into the garden? Well, maybe she doesn’t have one. Or a car.

I think baiting the OP should be a bannable offence.

I’ve been on and off mumsnet for years and it’s never changed. It’s like every forum in the respect that there are prolific queen bee type posters who are really rude and bitchy. There are also complete fantasists.
I once went to a mums meet from another similar forum and one of the really brutal posters went- she was really mouse like and totally different from her online persona.