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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think there are some really unkind and judgemental people on mumsnet

154 replies

Kaylasmum49 · 22/05/2021 10:48

Mostly when I've posted on here I have had kind and understanding replies but almost every time there are some really nasty and ridiculing posts directed at me.

I joined mumsnet around 20 years ago and honestly people were generally kinder back then. What's happened to make some people so unkind?

OP posts:
StyleAndLasers · 22/05/2021 14:07

I joined 13 ish years ago as I had strep B and was anxious about having to be on an antibiotic drip, partly because I had concerns about flooding my newborn with antibiotics, and what that might do. I remember basically being told I was an idiot, and obviously would rather risk killing my baby. I’ve stayed with MN but only for entertainment - I would never ever post for advice about anything sensitive. You might as well get on a bus and ask everyone on it for advice.

Becca19962014 · 22/05/2021 14:11

Sadly these issues are increasingly invading real life.

I was abused on here regarding being unable to sheild - I had posts and threads pulled by MN for posting anti NHS England advice (don't even live in England), the fact that my assigned volunteer had hurt me didn't bother anyone. I got it in real life as well. Same for not being capable of wearing a face mask and now being medically unable to have the vaccine.

Mandsy100 · 22/05/2021 14:16

Op If you search this topic this thread comes up monthly. Same op, exact same responses.

tattleandbagels · 22/05/2021 14:37

Same for not being capable of wearing a face mask

blame the government. Anyone can decide to refuse a mask, and it has been abused, so everybody is put into the same bag, especially since people have realised that masks protect others, not yourself.

When you see primary school kids and women in labour having to wear one, people's sympathy wears thin.

Without any proof that you have a valid reason, and no way to get a proof, you are stuck.

LemonTT · 22/05/2021 14:38

If you want good advice and support post on the right board. Never AIBU, coronavirus or relationships.

Lots of people post about having poor mental health on coronavirus. All they get is angry debate from the various disagreeing factions on there. Who are predominantly anti something.

I agree that some frankly unbelievable posts only serve to garner belittling and unsympathetic replies. As do ones intended to spark angry debate that solves nothing.

tattleandbagels · 22/05/2021 14:41

Ignore the bitter, some people are only vocal on MN and likely very meek and shy in real life, but the beauty of MN is that you know what others say behind your back when you ask a genuine question.

I feel uncomfortable when I see FB groups where someone asks if an item fits them and get gushing replies, when in all honestly, they look awful. You could be diplomatic but it's so unhelpful to pretend it's the perfect outfit for them.

OhWhyNot · 22/05/2021 14:48

It’s always been like this I’ve been here 15 years (hate to think of the hours I’ve spent on here)

There is some great support it really doesn’t but it has a flip side

One starts and the sheep follow. You often see the same names pop up

DifferentHair · 22/05/2021 14:50

I think that's the internet in general, I don't think Mumsnet is particularly bad

tattleandbagels · 22/05/2021 14:50

Just seen a great example on another thread: someone mentioned parents leaving 5 years old at a birthday party.

I know it's apparently common for some posters, but I don't know anyone around here who finds this acceptable. If you ask on MN, some posters will tell you how rude you are.

In real life, what is anyone supposed to do? Tell a parent they are a CF?

What happens is they don't get invited ever again.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 22/05/2021 14:52

Unkind and judgemental people exist everywhere in society, and as others have said, the anonymity of internet fora makes them bolder in what they say and how they say it, @Kaylasmum49. I am sure this is not a problem that is unique to Mumsnet.

I do usually see people challenging the unkind or judgemental posts, and when you look at a thread overall, you can usually see when the nasty posters are in the minority, and most people are disagreeing with them.

I do also think that, sometimes people don’t like it when they don’t get universal,agreement, or when posters tell them they are being unreasonable (I’m not saying that’s you, @Kaylasmum49 - but it does happen) - and we are told we are all nasty meanies.

On balance, though, I think MN is a great site, full of wise, witty, intelligent, caring people - you only have to look at the various support sections - bereavement, special,needs, breastfeeding, education etc etc, or things like the Woolly Hugs projects, where a legion of MNers knit or crochet squares for blankets that go to bereaved MNers, or the families of MNers who have passed away, or that go to children in hospital, women undergoing cancer treatment (in memory of the lovely Zombie), or refugees, or children in Africa, as well as special white blankets to wrap premature babies who pass away - so the parents don’t see their baby wrapped in a piece of towel or sheet. We also hold online craft fairs, raising money for various charities. And all this grew out of wanting to offer some comfort to a MNer whose 2-year-old died. We were all over the country, so couldn’t bring food or flowers, so decided to make her a blanket, to offer a physical demonstration of our care. Like sending someone a woolly hug - hence the name.

StuntNun · 22/05/2021 14:52

YANBU. I wanted to post an AIBU today but decided not to in the end because I just can't face the horrible replies I know I would get.

CheerfulBunny · 22/05/2021 14:53

I posted a message to comfort someone struggling after the loss of their dog recently and couldn't believe the number of messages on the thread subsequently which were reported and pulled by MN mods. What is wrong with people? Why would you pile onto someone devastated by grief for a pet?? I can't imagine anything nasty enough to say. Obviously I'm not creative or horrible enough.

I'm a long time lurker/replyer but I've never ever started a thread. I wouldn't dare, certainly not in AIBU. There's nothing that doesn't offend or deserves a flaming aparently. It's just not worth it.

LaBellina · 22/05/2021 14:53

I have the feeling that AIBU attracts nasty people who love attacking others and will find a way to not only disagree but will go out of their way to personally attack OP’s or other posters no matter what.

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 22/05/2021 15:00

Regarding the 'anxiety ridden' comment. I would imagine the poster who said that doesn't have an issue with actual anxiety but some threads where posters get wound up get quite bonkers.
There was a thread about Avon catalogues and some of the angst and vitriol was unbelievable, I was quite saddened at many of the responses.

skirk64 · 22/05/2021 15:01

YABU mostly. You do get some offensive replies but they normally don't stick around too long before they get deleted. I guess if you see a reply you don't like you can report it - if it doesn't then get deleted, perhaps it means it wasn't that bad after all?

When you say you get "really nasty and ridiculing" replies, I don't know exactly what sort of thing you are talking about personally, but from what I've seen the posts that get short shrift are the ones that ask blindingly obvious questions or are blatantly unreasonable or could be solved by the OP addressing their concerns directly in real life with whoever they have them with.

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 22/05/2021 15:03

I've been here 10 years and it definitely used to be lighter. Now you can't have a joke thread without someone coming on to tell you they're offended 🙄

ohforarainyday · 22/05/2021 15:10

It's not just AIBU though because a lot of posters just click on anything that comes up in Active and don't even look at which section it's in. It's a real problem with posts in more niche sub-sections like Black Mumsnetters or SEN children. Someone will make a post in a sub-section that's supposed to be specifically for parents of children with autism, it'll show up in Active, and a bunch of randoms who know nothing about autism will dive in and act like they're in AIBU having an enjoyable bunfight.

Partly it's First Reply syndrome. The first few responses often dictate the tone of the thread. It's just bad luck if one of the posters who could start a fight in an empty room finds your post first. But it has gotten worse during Covid. People are scared and lashing out. It honestly feels like there are people who actively search out the most vulnerable posters because they enjoy hurting people. Some of the threads have just been shocking. Bunfights in AIBU are one thing, but sometimes people post on MN who are really vulnerable or unwell and they used to be treated with a reasonable degree of sympathy or at least left alone, now admitting to vulnerability is like dropping a chicken into an alligator pit.

There was a thread last year where a poster who was mentally ill and really struggling and wanted to meet two friends (socially distanced) in a private field and it just turned into a huge bunfight about how she might have Covid on her hand and smear Covid on the gate and someone medically vulnerable might touch that exact spot on the gate and ZOMG you're slaughtering old people. Hell there was a thread recently where an autistic poster who was clearly very vulnerable agreed to walk in a park at lunchtime with a bloke who'd approached her, he tried to get his cock out and make her touch it, and half the responses were saying she'd asked for it and led him on, and he was completely reasonable to expect a blowjob on the spot, surely walking in a crowded park is the universal sign for 'up for blowing a stranger in public"?

There are posters here who actively keep an eye open for threads with "need a hand hold" or similar in the subject, so they can predate on vulnerability.

Waitwhat23 · 22/05/2021 15:11

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius I think the woolly hugs is one of the best things about Mumsnet. People all around the country, crafting or donating wool to make something to comfort someone they'll probably never meet in real life. I'm in bit in awe of the people who do it.

ohforarainyday · 22/05/2021 15:12

There's also the tedious screeching about "cancel culture" whenever anyone criticises or disagrees with racist posts.

Apparently people disagreeing with you is "being cancelled." Hmm

ohforarainyday · 22/05/2021 15:13

I posted a message to comfort someone struggling after the loss of their dog recently and couldn't believe the number of messages on the thread subsequently which were reported and pulled by MN mods. What is wrong with people? Why would you pile onto someone devastated by grief for a pet??

Exactly what I was thinking of.

They are sharks sniffing the water for blood so they can pounce.

Ireolu · 22/05/2021 15:17

I only came on last year. Pandemic boredom and have not found it a particularly friendly forum. Its also not as user friendly (technologically) as some of the other forums online either. I read because there are sometimes some insightful threads posted. This has been my personal experience.

SecretWitch · 22/05/2021 15:18

I have been off and on here under different guises for years. The “ good old days” of MN were not so good for posters not a part of the in clique. There was an obnoxious woman who used to post fart noises on threads she didn’t like. Was never pulled up on it. The in crowd was known for being rude and dismissive of posters they didn’t like..

I love how big and anonymous this board is. Discourages cliques from forming. If someone says something I don’t like I just move on to the next thread.

stillcrazyafterall · 22/05/2021 15:18

Perhaps some people are just tired of reading the drama posts. People seem to be posting the most ridiculous stuff, for example one (of many) springs to mind was 'wear a pretty dress' - a lot of people were saying 'get a grip' and worse, but it does seem to be that you have the whinge-at-anything posters and the just-get-on-with-it replies. When you read for the umpteenth time 'my son has broken his leg, what do I do' you do tend to think 'what the hell do you think you should do?' And post accordingly.

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 22/05/2021 15:19

Jesus, the idea that some people are actively on the lookout for vulnerable posters to attack is an awful thought.

KittyKatChonky · 22/05/2021 15:21

I find that comment offensive!

Being overly offended doesn’t work out well when using the Internet.