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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think there are some really unkind and judgemental people on mumsnet

154 replies

Kaylasmum49 · 22/05/2021 10:48

Mostly when I've posted on here I have had kind and understanding replies but almost every time there are some really nasty and ridiculing posts directed at me.

I joined mumsnet around 20 years ago and honestly people were generally kinder back then. What's happened to make some people so unkind?

OP posts:
Redannie118 · 22/05/2021 12:28

I think a lot of it is the board you are on. AIBU and relationships seem to be the absolute worst. Other boards such as Health and addiction support are incredible and a lifeline to a lot of people. MN also loves a good witch hunt. Stepparents, people on low wages( but not those on benefits as much) anyone in debt or anyone whose ever had an affair are treated horribly. So many judgy people who have never ever( and never will) been in that persons sititation and have decided long ago they deserve nothing but contempt.

Atalantea · 22/05/2021 12:32

I suppose people are fed up (and unbelieving) of wet drippy posts.

My friends distant cousin wants me to pay for their holiday to the carribean. How do I tell them this is the last time? type drivel

Ijustknowitstimetogo · 22/05/2021 12:36

There’s a difference between someone stating their opinion in a blunt no frills way and people just being nasty.

But now most posts are only on this sub so of course it's more tetchy

Also some people are asking about things that are very sensitive/ personal as well as sometimes being controversial.

oystercatcher44 · 22/05/2021 12:41

I think the change reflects the changes in society more generally.

We have moved from a time when we could agree to disagree to a time when if you disagree with me you are on glue/a Nazi/ a conspiracy theorist/apologist for the right or left etc.

People hide behind the anonymity of an online forum to behave in a way they would otherwise not. But I think people are also less courteous face to face - people who would previously have raised their eyebrows/cursed under their breath after another driver made a mistake now scream and shout at them.

Tossblanket · 22/05/2021 12:45

It's the internet, most people wouldn't dare say some things here to a persons face as they'd likely be filled in.

Easy to bully and slag off online, not as risk free in person.

Iquitit · 22/05/2021 12:49

It's like anywhere in life, when there's no concequences for behaving in a certain way, then there's no reason not to for some. I do see it in life too. There's little or no concequences for saying exactly what you feel like in the moment here, or indeed anywhere that you remain anonymous, or free from any fall out.

In life I've noticed some people like to make others look stupid, or 'worse' for want of a better phrase, to put others down to elevate themselves, maybe in their own eyes, or in the hope it'll be in the eyes of others, an example would be an ex colleague who spent more time pulling other people's work apart than actually doing their own - they were really good at their job and would have 'looked' better if they'd just done their job to the ability they had rather than spend their time pointing out what everyone else did wrong.
Maybe that happens here too.

Motnight · 22/05/2021 12:53

Mumsnet has changed a lot. When I first posted, around 20 years ago, there were far fewer members so people knew each other (or felt as though they did!) and owned their on line behaviour a lot more as a result.

It can be really vicious now, which is a shame. But to me it is still a brilliant resource of advice.

JellyTumble · 22/05/2021 13:02

@Kaylasmum49

Oblomov21 (anxiety ridden crap) I find that comment offensive! I have lived with anxiety all my life and in the last 20 years after the death of my father and having PND it has been 100% worse to the point of affecting every aspect of my life.

If someone's post is fuelled by anxiety why would anyone feel the need to be unkind?

There we go. Your second post on this thread and you’re already offended.

I think very, very few posts on MN are actually nasty. I think it’s more the case that people are too oversensitive and don’t have emotional resilience.

People are just looking to be offended these days. Okay, so you’re offended. So what?

MintyMabel · 22/05/2021 13:04

I first joined MN 12 years ago to comment on someone asking about a sleep training thing I had used. I had found the thread on google. I registered and gave my opinion and was soundly rounded on by others. They were brutal, accusing me of A) being a terrible parent for sleep training and B) working for the company that did the sleep training.

This place is no more or less unkind than it always was.

MaMaLa321 · 22/05/2021 13:09

Sometimes this place is like Groundhog Day. This question comes on all the time!
FWIW IMO
1 - steer clear of AIBU if you don't like unpleasantness/directness
2 - Don't come on AIBU looking for validation and then get huffy when people say YABU
3 - be grateful that you have MN. I'm in my 60s and my life would have been much better if it had been around 30 years ago.
4 - try Netmums. It might be more your style. Not meant sarcastically, by the way.

WallaceinAnderland · 22/05/2021 13:20

I don't think you're supposed to take it seriously. A lot of the time it's just people dicking around on the internet. These aren't your friends, they are strangers who can express an honest opinion because you asked them to. You need to put social media into perspective so that none of it bothers you. Or don't expose yourself to it. You can't make the world 'be kind'. Last night I just went to bed grateful that there aren't any bombs dropping on me.

tattleandbagels · 22/05/2021 13:24

@Tossblanket

It's the internet, most people wouldn't dare say some things here to a persons face as they'd likely be filled in.

Easy to bully and slag off online, not as risk free in person.

I don't agree it's just that. For some of course it will be, but for most people, having an opinion is not "bullying".

What do you gain in real life with being completely honest though? Problems at work for a start.

Most people don't ask you in real life for your opinion anyway. So you don't give it.

DynamoKev · 22/05/2021 13:25

We haven't had one of these "everyone's so nasty, it used to be so kind" posts for a week or two - I was missing them. YABU.

DynamoKev · 22/05/2021 13:27

@Tossblanket

It's the internet, most people wouldn't dare say some things here to a persons face as they'd likely be filled in.

Easy to bully and slag off online, not as risk free in person.

So what? Most people would push and shove and take my turn in the post office queue but they do it all the time on the road. Trotting out that tied old trope about saying it to people's faces is meaningless.
AgeLikeWine · 22/05/2021 13:27

I have noticed a massive increase in anxiety, paranoia, deluded thinking, anti-vax nonsense and conspiracy theories since the start of the pandemic.

A lot of MN members are very obviously not thinking straight at the moment and it’s worrying.

tentosix · 22/05/2021 13:29

It is typical of social media, which allows nasty people to hide behind a username

LadyCatStark · 22/05/2021 13:33

Yes and most threads are just people being nasty for the sake of being nasty. You could have 2 very similar threads with 2 completely polar responses based on something as simple as the wording of the OP, the grammar or if the OP is a step parent (because then they are automatically unreasonable of course).

DynamoKev · 22/05/2021 13:34

@tentosix

It is typical of social media, which allows nasty people to hide behind a username
So what? It's optional. if you make everyone use their actual name, you'll kill debate. You can pretend these people don't exist and everything is fluffy unicorns if you want, but I'd prefer a range of views.
Giantrooster · 22/05/2021 13:35

I'm a little tired of 'the old days' thing. When I see oldies posting they are often to the point and not necessarily compassionate.

Perhaps it was different because it was smaller and you could meet up, so posters were more carefull. But I think a lot of newer posters are as nice and more on the spot than many oldies.

I try to post in a nice way, but even I get snarky with goady, rude or trolly posters.

Blossomtoes · 22/05/2021 13:44

It’s the anonymity. It gives some people balls they don’t have in real life. If people behaved in person the way they do here they wouldn’t last five minutes.

There’s a fair bit of fantasising too. Someone reckoned the other day she covered the windscreen of a car with sun cream because she didn’t like the way it was parked. Of course you did, love, of course. She may have wanted to, I’d lay money she didn’t.

Ingridla · 22/05/2021 13:58

Someone, actually two posters nastily questioned the validity of my stillborn son a few years back on here thus I tread very carefully.

Sad but I get the feeling some have a radar for vulnerable people online.

Blossomtoes · 22/05/2021 14:02

@Ingridla

Someone, actually two posters nastily questioned the validity of my stillborn son a few years back on here thus I tread very carefully.

Sad but I get the feeling some have a radar for vulnerable people online.

That happened to me too. Like either of us would lie about something like that. I’m so sorry you experienced it too. 💐 for both of us.
lljkk · 22/05/2021 14:04

19 yr veteran... there were right flame wars about Gina Ford back then.

What has changed, oh Lordy, is the sense of humour. Which was delightfully wicked & now mostly gone. imho, MNHQ having campaigns, banned posters, policies that ban certain types of opinions, killed the old sense of humour. I despair when someone has to post #LightHearted on a thread title. FFS. Don't get me started with "trigger warning". What's wrong with writing "upsetting" ? #OldGimmerAlert

We had lots of SN parents then but not so many loud deeply anxiety ridden voices.
MN became anxiety-ridden long before covid.

Becca19962014 · 22/05/2021 14:05

It's not just AIBU though is it? It's everywhere on the site. I've posted about issues I have and got blasted for it on thread and via PM. Everyone responds from their own life point of view, and for some people there is no other point of view.

I live rurally. Very. I cannot change surgery, I'm not in catchment for any others. Yes, some people do live six hours round trip from hospitals in the uk. Yes some people do need to pay for hospital transport of a taxi (20% discount if severely ill). I cannot "just" move. People can and do exist without human contact in RL for days at a time and zero help when ill. There's no point posting asking for advice because people have no idea of what's it's like where I live, or how.

Foxyloxy1plus1 · 22/05/2021 14:05

There are people who post because they would like support or advice. There are people who post because they want their point of view validated. When they’re told differently, they either become defensive or leave the thread.

I think that people, both virtually and irl are far more judgmental and intolerant these days. I think the last 15 months has made us more selfish and grabby.

People are rude on here because they can be. Maybe it stops them from being unpleasant irl, or maybe it doesn’t matter to them. If they’re banned, it doesn’t impact anything else in their lives.