To not want to spend time with "D"H? [Distressing content warning added by MNHQ]

[1sweatybetty]

In the last 24 hours, my DH has:

1. Told me a truly horrendous story about a "boxed" corpse of a child being accidentally put on top of a contracted transport vehicle (for transport to a morgue, presumably), the driver driving off, the box and corpse falling into the road, and some poor person finding it. He laughed while telling the story. I was horrified. We were out for a (rare) dinner without the children and I was so upset by the story and his callous way of telling it that I couldn't finish dinner. I have also repeatedly (over 30 times) asked him not to tell me work stories about dead or catastrophically injured children as I find it really upsetting (his job involves dealing with injured people, but he is not a medical professional). He eventually apologised after I told him repeatedly how bad it had made me feel.
2. Initially refused to drive me home to change after a child spilled half a plate of scrambled egg on me. Usually I'd just walk (we were about 2 km from home) but one side of my top was covered in egg. He finally relented but there was a good 20 mins of back and forth about it. I could have caught a cab but it was 20 minutes out of his morning.
3. Has just filled up the boot and back seats of our car with rubbish for a trip to the tip tomorrow, knowing that I am supposed to be driving a friend to the theatre shortly (am in Aus, it's early Sat evening here). It is mostly recycling but it's all a bit damp and there is a pile of mouldy pillows in there. The car reeks and either I unpack it then repack it afterwards (he will refuse to do so) or catch a cab - easy enough but just annoying as he knew I would be using the car tonight and could just as easily have packed it tomorrow. Also, we have 2 cars but he has just announced he is using the other so I cannot have it.

AIBU to stay away from him for a bit today? It feels like I'm sulking, but I am so annoyed that I just don't want to see him. He will be super-perky, as he always is when he can tell I'm annoyed

He has a long, long history of passive aggression and emotional neglect for which we are having marriage counselling. I have a history of taking things too personally (according to him at least, although our counsellor has often had a view that I'm not annoyed enough), hence the post here to check others' views.

I'm not sure why having a bit of egg on your top stops you walking home, if that's something you'd normally do, but on the other things you've said - he sounds awful.

It was quite a lot of egg, and it looked a bit like I'd vomited on myself. I just felt awkward walking looking like that - we know lots of people on the area.

in the area, sorry.

He sounds awful. Why are you with him?

Where were you when you got covered in egg? I can’t quite make sense of that bit.

However, the loading the car with rubbish and then announcing his use of the other car sounds like a deliberate attempt to fuck up your plans to go out. Which is a very bad sign.

AIBU to stay away from him for a bit today?

Yes - you should stay away from him for much longer. He sounds like a monumental arse.

If he has a history of being passive aggressive then everything youve mentioned now is ON TOP of his normal crap, so will be a constant battle and wearing you down.

If he has no respect from you, why stay?

Stay away from him permanently- what a selfish man.

I would just take the other car 🤷‍♀️.
He does sound like a complete twat, but why didn't you just drive yourself he to get changed?
The laughing about the first story is sick.

Laughing at the story of that child's body makes my stomach turn. What if that was your child? How could someone laugh at that? He sounds like a sociopath.

Why are you with him? He sounds rotten to his core.

What a wanker.

Too late now I'm guessing, but you should have just taken the keys for the other car. He chose which one he was using when he loaded it up with tip crap.

He is horrible, why do you stay with him?

I'd leave him, then report him re work. He shouldn't be allowed near dead bodies with that level of disrespect.

I think the egg example is a bit distracting as I just cannot understand it. Surely we have all had the odd mishap whilst out, most people go to the bathroom, wipe up as good as possible and make do until later, not demand to be driven home in order to change.

I'm not sure I would want to stay married to a man that seemed to go out of his way to make my life unpleasant.

Surely the foundations of a good marriage are kindness and respect? I really don't see any evidence of either in his behaviour toward you, in fact very much the opposite. Life is hard enough without being tethered to someone that delights in making it harder for you.

The first and last example are abuse. Situations that are designed to provoke a negative emotional response from you. I was in a relationship for years with someone like this who like to exercise control in this way. Made him feel powerful. Absolutely awful, and I'm sorry you're in this situation.

He is deliberately cruel. I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who chose to treat me with deliberate cruelty.

If you’ve got 2 cars and he’s already claimed use of one by filling it with rubbish then he can use that one and you take the other one.
What would he do if you said you need a clean car to go out snd if he says it will be fine fir you to drive rubbish filled car then he can’t grumble at doing it himself 🤷

Well he sounds very selfish and a bit odd but I would have just walked home with the egg on me, wouldn’t have cared what people thought.

stay away for a bit - while you visit a solicitor to start planning divorce/leaving?

Take the car, he can use the one he's filled up.

It doesnt sound as if you can make this a forever thing, he sounds mean, thoughtless and treats you with contempt.

Sabataging you going out is like a little red light shining in your face. Take notice of it.

We were at a cafe having late breakfast before going to a nearby children's weekend sporting event. One of our children knocked a plate over onto me (is v clumsy, currently being assessed for ADHD).

I am seriously thinking of leaving him. It makes me really sad. The therapy is helping, but he always denies that his passive aggressive behaviour is unacceptable. It takes half an hour with a marriage counsellor every time to get him to see that he is behaving badly. He had a deeply dysfunctional upbringing with a violent, shouty, emotionally manipulative, mentally ill father and a mother who might be the most passive aggressive person I've ever met. I think he thinks that he's not behaving badly because he almost never shouts or swears. I had a violent, abusive parent and sort of thought the same for a while. But now I'm mid40s and can see through him. I thought I was going mad for a while.

He is taking our children and another child out tonight so needs a car with 4 usable seats. He has put so much rubbish in the other car that only the front 2 seats are usable.

You are right, I probably should have just walked home and not cared how I looked. It just seemed so ridiculous that he wouldn't drive me so I insisted. Last night he caught the wrong bus home and called me to pick him up from 1km away - which I did.

He doesn't work with corpses - he heard about the story from somebody else as it is peripherally related to his work and then relayed it to me.

He sounds like a complete dick.

You were a bit dramatic about the egg on your top. However, my DH might have rolled his eyes but done as I’d asked.

YANBU. I couldn't live like that.

He sounds like a complete arsehole tbh and I would give him a very wide berth for the rest of my natural life. The first story is absolutely psychopathic. I assume he was doing this partly to shock you?

I do think he had a point with the egg: if you're sufficiently bothered by something very cosmetic, its on you to sort that and it was a bit diva-ish of you to demand being driven home to deal with something that trivial.

But he's still an arsehole. What do you get out of being married to someone this cold? I assume its difficult to leave?

You either leave him or spend the rest of your life learning how to out manoeuvre him.
With the car I wouldn't bat an eye, just order a cab and don't give him the satisfaction of upsetting you.
He sounds like a real knob tbh.