To not want to spend time with "D"H? [Distressing content warning added by MNHQ]

[1sweatybetty]

In the last 24 hours, my DH has:

1. Told me a truly horrendous story about a "boxed" corpse of a child being accidentally put on top of a contracted transport vehicle (for transport to a morgue, presumably), the driver driving off, the box and corpse falling into the road, and some poor person finding it. He laughed while telling the story. I was horrified. We were out for a (rare) dinner without the children and I was so upset by the story and his callous way of telling it that I couldn't finish dinner. I have also repeatedly (over 30 times) asked him not to tell me work stories about dead or catastrophically injured children as I find it really upsetting (his job involves dealing with injured people, but he is not a medical professional). He eventually apologised after I told him repeatedly how bad it had made me feel.
2. Initially refused to drive me home to change after a child spilled half a plate of scrambled egg on me. Usually I'd just walk (we were about 2 km from home) but one side of my top was covered in egg. He finally relented but there was a good 20 mins of back and forth about it. I could have caught a cab but it was 20 minutes out of his morning.
3. Has just filled up the boot and back seats of our car with rubbish for a trip to the tip tomorrow, knowing that I am supposed to be driving a friend to the theatre shortly (am in Aus, it's early Sat evening here). It is mostly recycling but it's all a bit damp and there is a pile of mouldy pillows in there. The car reeks and either I unpack it then repack it afterwards (he will refuse to do so) or catch a cab - easy enough but just annoying as he knew I would be using the car tonight and could just as easily have packed it tomorrow. Also, we have 2 cars but he has just announced he is using the other so I cannot have it.

AIBU to stay away from him for a bit today? It feels like I'm sulking, but I am so annoyed that I just don't want to see him. He will be super-perky, as he always is when he can tell I'm annoyed

He has a long, long history of passive aggression and emotional neglect for which we are having marriage counselling. I have a history of taking things too personally (according to him at least, although our counsellor has often had a view that I'm not annoyed enough), hence the post here to check others' views.

The egg one ... since it sounds like you can drive both cars why didn't you drive yourself home especially as one of you needed to stay with the kids. Wanting him to drive you sounds a bit princessy.

The other stuff is actually quite chilling because it seems so insidious. If it happens constantly it would be like a drip drip drip of poison that would drive me insane. You've inferred he is just thoughtless (and you know best obviously) but there are undertones of him taking secret delight in torturing you in these ways. That you have to ask him constantly to stop telling "hilarious" stories about children's corpses ( WTF?) while at a family meal!?! That after he's annoyed you he's "super perky". It sounds like he's sniggering to himself at achieving his objective.

I couldn't live like that.

The first incident was wrong...... However its not uncommon for people who work in a an industry that's constantly coping with traumatic situations to develop a very dark sense of humour to cope with the trauma

The rest sounds like hysterical over reactions on your part

Fuck me! Hysterical is it? What a nice, misogynistic choice of word to go along with your minimising.

I think you know what to do already don't you -be brave and go for it -do something for yourself- it's all very well for family to take a view but it's your life.

@honeylulu

The egg one ... since it sounds like you can drive both cars why didn't you drive yourself home especially as one of you needed to stay with the kids. Wanting him to drive you sounds a bit princessy.

Yes probably, I accept that. I was being a bit petty - I had driven out last night and picked him up when he caught the wrong bus and had a shorter walk so was being a bit unreasonably annoyed.

The dinner was just us, no children. He would never tell a story like that in front of the children - which makes me realise that he knows the impact such stories can have.

I hate it when I hear someone especially a woman being referred to as "hysterical" -its often a man doing it and its often a man who has caused it

The egg story is not trivial. My husband would have offered to drive me straight away. It’s what a nice person who actually cares about you would do. He thinks he’s being clever by manipulating you, but he’s just mean. Leave him, you deserve better.

I certainly wouldn't bother taking the DCs out tomorrow morning so he can sleep in....just let them enjoy their house as you get things done or enjoy a relaxed pot of coffee for yourself

Why are you not saying why you didn't drive yourself home and back?
Something doesn't add up there.

@Naunet

The first incident was wrong...... However its not uncommon for people who work in a an industry that's constantly coping with traumatic situations to develop a very dark sense of humour to cope with the trauma

The rest sounds like hysterical over reactions on your part

Fuck me! Hysterical is it? What a nice, misogynistic choice of word to go along with your minimising.

Agree. This is clearly an abusive, gaslighting dickhead and people are picking apart the OP’s behaviour!

As pp said this man is getting kicks from winding you up and feigning innocence when you say you’re upset.

I was in a relationship like this - one of the turning points was his refusal to take the bins out one day. Yes, I could’ve taken them out, but it was part of a bigger picture where he took delight in doing the opposite of what I asked. All the time. It’s so draining.

You are not alone OP

@1sweatybetty

He is taking our children and another child out tonight so needs a car with 4 usable seats. He has put so much rubbish in the other car that only the front 2 seats are usable.

You are right, I probably should have just walked home and not cared how I looked. It just seemed so ridiculous that he wouldn't drive me so I insisted. Last night he caught the wrong bus home and called me to pick him up from 1km away - which I did.

He doesn't work with corpses - he heard about the story from somebody else as it is peripherally related to his work and then relayed it to me.

That story isn't true, it's an old urban legend.

He would never tell a story like that in front of the children - which makes me realise that he knows the impact such stories can have

Oh God, I rest my case. He knows exactly what he's doing.

The other stuff is actually quite chilling because it seems so insidious. If it happens constantly it would be like a drip drip drip of poison that would drive me insane. You've inferred he is just thoughtless (and you know best obviously) but there are undertones of him taking secret delight in torturing you in these ways. That you have to ask him constantly to stop telling "hilarious" stories about children's corpses ( WTF?) while at a family meal!?! That after he's annoyed you he's "super perky". It sounds like he's sniggering to himself at achieving his objective

All of this, op.

He sounds absolutely awful. Have counselling without him to find the strength to leave. And ignore family pressure to stay. Your family also sound awful so their opinion is worthless.

He sounds an utter arse but the egg thing is odd, why didn’t you nip home yourself? it would have taken 15/20 mins tops, you obviously can drive. Pick your battles, the first one would be a divorce.

@Horehound

Why are you not saying why you didn't drive yourself home and back?
Something doesn't add up there.

I was being petty, as I explained above. He called me last night and asked me to drive from home, pick him up and drive him back as he had got on the wrong bus. I did this without complaint. I thought he should do the same for me so I insisted. I have accepted above that this was petty and have acknowledged I should have dealt with it differently.

Yes OP, stay away from him.

Indefinitely.

He sounds bloody horrible.
Leave the bastard.

OP forget about the egg thing. This is a red herring
Many MN'ers use any little thing to berate the OP with, completely ignoring the real, massive red flags. I

The body story and the tip/car situation are him being really horrible. The egg situation clouds things though as that suggests you are being overly-dramatic. Why on earth didn’t you just drive yourself home if it was that imperative that you change?!

Bit that would have meant gathering up your children I to the car too and going home for you to change your too and them leaving their cafe breakfast mid way through?

Hmm "petty" is a an understatement there I think. More like a punishment.

Yeh not sure about this now. He doesn't seem great but neither do you..

@3Britnee That story isn't true, it's an old urban legend really? He told me he heard it yesterday from a colleague and that it had been in the paper. If it's not true that's good, I can stop thinking about it.

@StopSayingDueDiligence

OP forget about the egg thing. This is a red herring Many MN'ers use any little thing to berate the OP with, completely ignoring the real, massive red flags. I

Not if you understand what him driving her home would have entailed when she could have driven herself!!

I did wonder if the horrible story was faked to wind you up. What a man

We were at the sporting event by the time I decided I really had to change. Children are old enough to have stayed for 20 minutes with another school.family.

I'm not great - not even close.

I lived with a passive aggressive so I totally feel your pain. He never raised his voice so was seen as Mr Nice Guy but I was subjected to 20 years of his emotional abuse and it left me with a form of PTSD and Stockholm Syndrome. The most destructive part of his abuse was that other people can't see or understand what he was doing. The constant drip, drip of unfulfilled agreements and petty revenge if you crossed him. I ended up permanently angry and cranky while he wafted through life as the innocent one. One I finally left , out of pure desperation, he even managed to isolate me from my 'friends and family.

I wouldn't bother rationalising or trying to understand him. Passive aggressive are a nightmare to live with. Best thing I ever did was to get out and heal. With hindsight I am horrified with what I put up with and how it affected my daughter because he did it to her too. Therapy for yourself is more helpful than trying to change such deeply ingrained behaviour that is his personality.

I Googled it. Not fake. I haven't read the story as it was a baby apparently and I just cannot.
www.google.com/amp/s/amp.kidspot.com.au/news/dead-baby-found-on-roadside-by-workers-after-falling-from-funeral-car-roof/news-story/358732047a5836423fedd3d28fe9bbd2

This man seems to make it his life's work to make things difficult for you. Take away his power to do that. Just become indifferent to anything he does while you make plans to leave him. I know you've mentioned he has ADHD, but having that doesn't turn people into a vile bully, that's just him. Take your children away from this awful person and live a happy life away from him.