To not want to spend time with "D"H? [Distressing content warning added by MNHQ]

[1sweatybetty]

In the last 24 hours, my DH has:

1. Told me a truly horrendous story about a "boxed" corpse of a child being accidentally put on top of a contracted transport vehicle (for transport to a morgue, presumably), the driver driving off, the box and corpse falling into the road, and some poor person finding it. He laughed while telling the story. I was horrified. We were out for a (rare) dinner without the children and I was so upset by the story and his callous way of telling it that I couldn't finish dinner. I have also repeatedly (over 30 times) asked him not to tell me work stories about dead or catastrophically injured children as I find it really upsetting (his job involves dealing with injured people, but he is not a medical professional). He eventually apologised after I told him repeatedly how bad it had made me feel.
2. Initially refused to drive me home to change after a child spilled half a plate of scrambled egg on me. Usually I'd just walk (we were about 2 km from home) but one side of my top was covered in egg. He finally relented but there was a good 20 mins of back and forth about it. I could have caught a cab but it was 20 minutes out of his morning.
3. Has just filled up the boot and back seats of our car with rubbish for a trip to the tip tomorrow, knowing that I am supposed to be driving a friend to the theatre shortly (am in Aus, it's early Sat evening here). It is mostly recycling but it's all a bit damp and there is a pile of mouldy pillows in there. The car reeks and either I unpack it then repack it afterwards (he will refuse to do so) or catch a cab - easy enough but just annoying as he knew I would be using the car tonight and could just as easily have packed it tomorrow. Also, we have 2 cars but he has just announced he is using the other so I cannot have it.

AIBU to stay away from him for a bit today? It feels like I'm sulking, but I am so annoyed that I just don't want to see him. He will be super-perky, as he always is when he can tell I'm annoyed

He has a long, long history of passive aggression and emotional neglect for which we are having marriage counselling. I have a history of taking things too personally (according to him at least, although our counsellor has often had a view that I'm not annoyed enough), hence the post here to check others' views.

The story was horrible, I agree.

Why didn’t you drive yourself home when you’d got stuff spilled down you? I don’t understand why he had to take you?

Why has he filled the car for the tip if he isn’t taking it straight to the tip? I’d tell him he needs to do that straight away or take the other car, that’s ridiculous and makes no sense.

How is it diva-ish to not want to walk home covered in what looks like sick?! Lots of people would feel very self conscious and embarrassed especially if it’s in an area where they knew people - my kind DP (or any other of my loved ones!) would certainly offer to drop me home, and it’s sad others including OP’s DH wouldn’t want to. It’s simple kindness.

Ok, I'll take the point about the egg - I was more annoyed by it than I'd usually be as he phoned me at 6 o'clock last night to pick him up from 1km away after getting on the wrong bus. But fair enough, next time I'll deal with that sort of thing myself.

I responded to his text telling me the car is full of rubbish and I'd have to use it was he was taking the other. Here is his response - followed by him calling out "have a good night" twice before leaving.

He just always goes very wide eyed and confused when I call out this sort of behaviour. It makes me think there is something wrong with me. My whole family think that because he doesn't yell or swear he's pretty perfect. There is a lot of family pressure not to leave him.

I have cropped the screenshot asy neighbours name is in the previous message.

But why did he fill the car if he’s not taking it straight to the tip?? It makes no sense, I’d want to kill DH if he did that

You're going out so he's made the car unusable/unpleasant. That's deliberate sabotage of your social event.

Your family aren't living with his abuse. Don't let them decide for you.

Why has he filled the car for the tip if he isn’t taking it straight to the tip? I’d tell him he needs to do that straight away or take the other car, that’s ridiculous and makes no sense.

It's early evening here and the tip is closed. He wants to have a lie in tomorrow before going to the tip (his lie in , not mine - he asked me to take the children out early so he can sleep in).

He is vile. This is a million miles away from a normal loving marriage. You are well within reason to leave him.

I'm surprised by the "well why didn't you just walk" comments tbh.
It would take a fair bit of time to walk 4k (there bad back) but a very short time in the car so I think it's completely reasonable to drive but why couldn't you have driven yourself there and back?

But all the other stuff...wtf? Get rid of him. He is horrible.

He’s going out of his way to make your life horrible.

Your instinct to leave him is correct, it will only get worse.

Yes it's quite clear he wants to ruin everything for you.
He doesn't love you.bhe doesn't give a shit about you actually. Leave leave leave

He doesn't sound like a very nice person. Has he got any redeeming qualities? Do you love him?
It doesn't matter what your family think, they aren't living with him.

I have also repeatedly (over 30 times) asked him not to tell me work stories about dead or catastrophically injured children as I find it really upsetting

wtaf?

Stop explaining that it makes you feel bad. He knows it makes you feel bad. That’s why he is doing it. He is getting something out of upsetting you, and he is getting something out of you telling him again and again that he’s upset you while he sits there all wide-eyed pretending not to understand. You don’t need to play this game with him.

But why did he fill the car if he’s not taking it straight to the tip?? It makes no sense, I’d want to kill DH if he did that

Agreed. He has funny ways of doing things often - has ADHD and bugger all common sense. I used to just do everything myself as he is so useless with practical tasks. But years of doing that and full time work and children have worn me out. And I don't love him as much as I used to so I'm less willing to pick up the slack.

But telling/directing him how to do things when he's agreed to do his share of. domestic work seems controlling (and wouldn't work anyway I suspect).

I'm amazed at all the comments saying the OP should have walked home. She asked for a lift. He had no reason not to give one.

There's no kindness in this man. He sounds absolutely horrible. I know what I would do.

He sounds like an absolute fuckwit. If you're already in counseling I don't know what to tell you.

Sometimes people from highly abusive backgrounds don't recognise more subtle forms of abuse because it seems 'better' than what they came from and therefore ok.

He sounds callous.

The first incident was wrong...... However its not uncommon for people who work in a an industry that's constantly coping with traumatic situations to develop a very dark sense of humour to cope with the trauma.

The rest sounds like hysterical over reactions on your part. Why you had to go home after getting egg on your top is beyond me. Nobody would have been sat staring at you.
Filling up the car the night before a tip run is the sort of thing I'd do. It's good time management and gets that task out of the way.

I've no idea if he's an an emotionally abusive arse. We only have your side. If i your opinion he is then leave.

@1sweatybetty He sounds vile. YANBU.

Stop explaining that it makes you feel bad. He knows it makes you feel bad. That’s why he is doing it. He is getting something out of upsetting you, and he is getting something out of you telling him again and again that he’s upset you while he sits there all wide-eyed pretending not to understand.

This made me cry. You are right. Fuck, that's what he's doing.

Have a lie in yourself, tomorrow. Don't get up early and take the kids out. You are helping him to make your life miserable. Take the rubbish out of the car and leave it in the front garden for him. Let today / tonight be the start of your independence and tomorrow, tell him you want a divorce. He is a vile little wind-up merchant, determined to make your life unpleasant. What a knob.

He sounds like a really wearing person to be around.
All of these things you mention could be explained away as being a bit thoughtless, but the point is he is making you feel awful- that is all you need to know.

People can say the egg thing is dramatic/OTT whatever, but it’s the fact that he ignores your feelings over it that’s concerning- who wouldn’t drive their partner 2k if they were upset about something and wanted to go home?

If someone makes you feel ignored, belittled and unimportant, it isn’t an accident.

What he is doing is abuse. It’s very subtle, but its abuse.

Seems like his aim in life is to make your life as miserable as possible. I would be leaving him. Why put up with his twatty behaviour any longer.

@HollowTalk

I'm amazed at all the comments saying the OP should have walked home. She asked for a lift. He had no reason not to give one.

There's no kindness in this man. He sounds absolutely horrible. I know what I would do.

The OP also drives, and hasn’t explained why she couldn’t drive herself home?

The egg story in isolation may appear trivial but I think it's the straw that broke the camels back here. All the incidents OP listed happened in 24 hours! What a daily grind this 'D'H is.

OP your husband sounds mean, cruel and passive aggressive. He knows exactly what he's doing.

Take a cab tonight and tell him you're staying at your friends overnight. He can deal with kids in the morning. See how he deals with his plans being thwarted.

And who cares what family think - if you're not happy, leave.

@MobyDicksTinyCanoe thank you for being frank. You are right, we only have my side - I have tried to see it from his side though and I wasn't sure if I was overreacting, hence the question here.

Appreciate I should have just either ignored the egg or walked home and changed (although I'd have missed half of my child's event by the time I got there and back) or driven myself.

Also understand what you say about dark humour, I know that's a thing for many people who deal with trauma. It's not that he uses dark humour - it's that he tells me these stories often (about once a month) and they distress me. I don't care that his humour is dark - but I have asked him many times not to share with me.

Also, agree that there is some sense to filling the car early. My issue is that he did this after I told him I needed to use it to transport a friend. If it was just me driving I wouldn't care and would just drive it with the rubbish in it.