To not want to spend time with "D"H? [Distressing content warning added by MNHQ]

[1sweatybetty]

In the last 24 hours, my DH has:

1. Told me a truly horrendous story about a "boxed" corpse of a child being accidentally put on top of a contracted transport vehicle (for transport to a morgue, presumably), the driver driving off, the box and corpse falling into the road, and some poor person finding it. He laughed while telling the story. I was horrified. We were out for a (rare) dinner without the children and I was so upset by the story and his callous way of telling it that I couldn't finish dinner. I have also repeatedly (over 30 times) asked him not to tell me work stories about dead or catastrophically injured children as I find it really upsetting (his job involves dealing with injured people, but he is not a medical professional). He eventually apologised after I told him repeatedly how bad it had made me feel.
2. Initially refused to drive me home to change after a child spilled half a plate of scrambled egg on me. Usually I'd just walk (we were about 2 km from home) but one side of my top was covered in egg. He finally relented but there was a good 20 mins of back and forth about it. I could have caught a cab but it was 20 minutes out of his morning.
3. Has just filled up the boot and back seats of our car with rubbish for a trip to the tip tomorrow, knowing that I am supposed to be driving a friend to the theatre shortly (am in Aus, it's early Sat evening here). It is mostly recycling but it's all a bit damp and there is a pile of mouldy pillows in there. The car reeks and either I unpack it then repack it afterwards (he will refuse to do so) or catch a cab - easy enough but just annoying as he knew I would be using the car tonight and could just as easily have packed it tomorrow. Also, we have 2 cars but he has just announced he is using the other so I cannot have it.

AIBU to stay away from him for a bit today? It feels like I'm sulking, but I am so annoyed that I just don't want to see him. He will be super-perky, as he always is when he can tell I'm annoyed

He has a long, long history of passive aggression and emotional neglect for which we are having marriage counselling. I have a history of taking things too personally (according to him at least, although our counsellor has often had a view that I'm not annoyed enough), hence the post here to check others' views.

@1sweatybetty

We were at the sporting event by the time I decided I really had to change. Children are old enough to have stayed for 20 minutes with another school.family.

I'm not great - not even close.

I don’t get why you didn’t just drive home yourself though?

Am heading out. Thanks for all your help.

It happened in 2018. Poor baby.

[quote 1sweatybetty]I Googled it. Not fake. I haven't read the story as it was a baby apparently and I just cannot.
www.google.com/amp/s/amp.kidspot.com.au/news/dead-baby-found-on-roadside-by-workers-after-falling-from-funeral-car-roof/news-story/358732047a5836423fedd3d28fe9bbd2[/quote]
😲😲😲😲

@Howshouldibehave because she wanted to punish her husband for her having to pick him up after he got the wrong bus the night before.
They both don't sound very nice!

It really depends on what’s underneath all this...
Do you guys ever talk deeply? Do you trust each other? Do you love each other or did you once love each other?

All these incidents in isolation aren’t a big deal but it’s the context of it that matters...

You say you both grew up in violent households...do you talk about it? Confide in each other ever? Or try it build each other up? A kind of ‘us together facing the world’...Have you felt like that at some point in your relationship? Has he ever shown genuine vulnerability and honesty with you?

[quote Horehound]@Howshouldibehave because she wanted to punish her husband for her having to pick him up after he got the wrong bus the night before.
They both don't sound very nice![/quote]
Punish?! Err no, I’d say it’s more like treating others how they treat you. It’s really not even a big deal or the most concerning thing about this situation.

@nauney i think it is because she wanted payback for having to collect him after he got the wrong bus. But they were at a sporting event with their children, SHE CAN DRIVE. So what reason did he need to drive her of not to punish him/payback for her picking him up.
It's bloody obvious.
Doesn't make sense for both parents to leave their child's sporting event if both people can drive. There is absolutely no need for her to be driven by her husband and it's bizarre you can't see that.
She said herself she was being "petty" but it's more than that.

I think the point about the OP demanding a lift home to change when she could have just driven, is a valid one to think about and not to ignore.

The DH is clearly telling horrible stories when she doesn’t want him to which is shitty. I would have stopped him the minute he mentioned the child’s coffin and said I don’t want to hear any more of this and explained why. The tip car thing is really annoying and inconsiderate-that would really piss me off.

The asking him to drive her home rather than just driving herself makes the OP sound unreasonable as well so it’s interesting that was said as a reason why HE was the unreasonable one as I think it’s the other way around here.

It sounds like you don’t really like each other any more and it’s turned into petty warfare on both sides-I would probably call this a day.

[quote Horehound]@nauney i think it is because she wanted payback for having to collect him after he got the wrong bus. But they were at a sporting event with their children, SHE CAN DRIVE. So what reason did he need to drive her of not to punish him/payback for her picking him up.
It's bloody obvious.
Doesn't make sense for both parents to leave their child's sporting event if both people can drive. There is absolutely no need for her to be driven by her husband and it's bizarre you can't see that.
She said herself she was being "petty" but it's more than that.[/quote]
Again you use the word ‘punish’. That implies it was planned, are you suggesting she made the child spill food on her?! It was an accident, she asked him to drive her. Do I think it would make more sense to drive herself? Of course, but I hardly equate asking for a lift with a punishment!

Scrambled eggs aside , you don't sound very happy in this marriage

Op you did a nice thing for him by picking up so he didn't have to walk 1km but he couldn't do a nice thing for you by driving you home to change which was 2km and if you had walked you would have missed part of your children's event. That what couples do who are happily married for each other. Don't know why people are piling on you. Your family are not there to see his abuse. Tbh no one knows what's goes on behind closed doors in a marriage usually. Deep down you know you need to leave and please don't stay to please your family. Bet they wouldn't put up with this behaviour.

So at a dinner with his wife he recounts a story about a dead child falling off of a lorry ?

To anyone, with an once of empathy, let alone a father, that story would horrify them.

I went out for a date night with my wife last night on a rare night off from DD. We talked laughed came gone watched a film and had a Lay in. In those moments it's a chance to reconnect - so the fact he is deliberately using it to induce negative feelings in you should show that he doesn't want to make you happy, he wants to upset and disgust you.

His upbringing sounds like it has shaped him into an Emotionally blind, callous and angry person.

Its not about fault but it seems that it is deep within him and it's up to you if he has enough good qualities to accept this and continue a relationship or not. But I don't think you can expect this aspect of his personality to change really.

but he couldn't do a nice thing for you by driving you home to change which was 2km and if you had walked you would have missed part of your children's event

But he DID drive the OP home to change. Lots of people are just confused as to why he actually needed to when it would have been far more sensible for her to drive herself! OP hasn’t explained why she didn’t just do this, though.

I agree with you saying they should split up. Both are being petty and neither sound like they like each other any more.

What are you going on about @Naunet? I don't think the child deliberately spilled egg on her, where have I said that?
No, I again used the word "punish" because as I said that's what I believe her insistence on her DH driving her home is a punishment as payback for her having to get him even though the situations are completely different in that he didn't have a car to drive home!
She clearly didn't want to pick him up, don t know why (yes was a short distance but so? Any normal relationship you'd be like "oh lazy bum, sure I'll be there on two") but for whatever reason she was put out getting him and said herself she was petty to make him drive her after she had to go get him. To me, it is punishing. It's a "you made me do x, so I'm Gona make you do Y". There's no logic here. There also no love.
I don't think he is a good/nice person but she doesn't come out of this smelling of roses either!

I think because of your husband's constant, low level needling you have lost perspective a little; this is why you are equating the egg thing as being on par with the other two. The egg was annoying and showed a lack of care for you, but it's just a small annoyance. The other two incidents are terrible.

In all my long years I don't think anybody has ever told me a story about the corpses of children, yet you have to constantly ask your husband to stop? He is getting a perverse thrill out of upsetting you.

Filling your car with rubbish when he knew you were taking your friend out is a textbook passive aggressive move. A small, shitty thing he can do, while maintaining his faux innocence "I was just getting ready for the morning". He's one of those people who dresses up his small abuses in 'doing nice things' so when he recounts the story to somebody else you will look like a petty controlling harridan, when really he has purposefully goaded a reaction out of you.

The fact that your therapist thinks you are not getting angry enough speaks volumes. I'm glad they can see through him. A lot of times people don't recognise passive aggressive behaviour because there's so much plausible deniability built into his actions.

My theory about people like this is that they can't express human emotions, they're too repressed. The only thing they can express is their emotionless logic and they tell themselves they are a higher form of being, not bogged down with petty reactions. So he baits and prods and nettles you until you show human emotions (upset, distress, anger, frustration) and he can sit back, feeling superior, as though you're a raging wild animal and he's Spock from Star Trek. They are pathetic and sad, but they don't even know it.

“However its not uncommon for people who work in a an industry that's constantly coping with traumatic situations to develop a very dark sense of humour to cope with the trauma”

This is me. I let off steam with my colleagues who get it. I don’t take it home, especially not when I know it’s not wanted. I also think the scenario the OP outlined about the child is above and beyond gallows humour.

This man sounds horrible OP. He gets a real kick out of making you miserable. I wouldn’t do that to a stranger, let alone someone I was meant to love.

@Warsawa31 I don't think anyone on here is disputing him relaying horrible stories to the OP is horrible. It's really callous. I haven't seen anyone disagree on that.

you use the word ‘punish’. That implies it was planned

Errr, it really doesn’t!!

It sort of doesn't matter who is 'at fault' or reasonable. You're being petty and strange towards each other.

Asking for him to leave the match and drive you when you could drive yourself is quite weird. Keeping tabs on him 'Owing' you a lift from the night before isn't really what people in happy, reciprocal, trusting relationships do.

It doesn't sound like you like him or feel emotionally supported by him. That's kind of the issue not the egg, or the lift. It sounds like he gets a kick out of upsetting you, which is absolutely shit.

What would your life be like if you separated?

@MrsClatterbuck

Op you did a nice thing for him by picking up so he didn't have to walk 1km but he couldn't do a nice thing for you by driving you home to change which was 2km and if you had walked you would have missed part of your children's event. That what couples do who are happily married for each other. Don't know why people are piling on you. Your family are not there to see his abuse. Tbh no one knows what's goes on behind closed doors in a marriage usually. Deep down you know you need to leave and please don't stay to please your family. Bet they wouldn't put up with this behaviour.

Because he wasn't able to drive himself home, she was. I really don't understand what's so hard to comprehend about that.

In a healthy relationship your H would be happy to ensure your comfort eg quickly driving you home after the egg incident.

Your H seems to enjoy taunting and upsetting you.

Packing the car with rubbish is calculated, he wants you to be embarrassed and upset or cancel your plans.
Do you go out much without him?

You really need to leave. Your DC are watching and learning about relationships from you both.

And you’re very unhappy in this situation it’s a very toxic environment.

No, I again used the word "punish" because as I said that's what I believe her insistence on her DH driving her home is a punishment as payback for her having to get him even though the situations are completely different in that he didn't have a car to drive home!

And he couldn’t possibly walk because...? And his reasons not to walk, wasn’t about punishing her, right? So he can demand lifts, but she can’t.

The point is, they both were weird about the lifts/driving, and when you’re already unhappy with someone, it’s easy to get hooked on the little things, they become grudges. But there is far more in OPs post than just the lifts.

So he can demand lifts, but she can’t.

He asked for a lift because he didn’t have a car with him that he could use for that journey.

She asked for a lift despite having a car that she could use! And he did take her anyway.