DC don't want to see me and miss me when they're at their dads

[heartbroken201]

I have 3 DCs, and been separated from their dads for a few years now. He lives nearby and very involved in their lives, because of my work he has them 4 days and I have them 3 days. He is a good dad and I’m really grateful to have him. He lives with his girlfriend and her daughter, the thing is at their house the kids have iPads , PS4 etc which they don’t have here.

When I pick them up from school on Thursdays they’ll say can you take us to daddy’s house now? And I’m like wow you haven’t seen me for 4 days, and this is the first thing you ask me? Wasn’t those 4 days enough for you? Every time I try take them out or do something with them, their dads house is always on the forefront of their minds. I can’t spend a day with them without them asking, can you take us to daddy’s house now?

When I ask them do you want to see me aswell? They say yes but we want to go to daddy’s house, daddy is more fun you shout at us. Well I do shout and tell them off when they’re doing something wrong, the thing is their dad does the same thing but they’ll listen because he has a big manly voice and I have to say the same thing 3-4 times before they listen and I’ll come off as nagging.

DD also said she doesn’t miss me when she’s at her dads house and I asked why, and she says because I’m having too much fun. But she’ll cry and ask for her dad when she spends a day at my house.

Ex tells me not to take it personally, and they’re only kids but it’s bloody hard not to take it personally when your own kids say they don’t miss you after a whole week at their dads and don’t want to spend any time with you.

I work a lot because I want to invest that money into other things so I can give them a good life in the future, I have a plan and a goal. I cried so much yesterday. Sometimes they don’t even want to come here when he has to drop them off, and ask to stay one more day at their dads house. I don’t even think they’d notice if they didn’t see me for weeks or months. They just don’t want to see me, and I don’t know what to do.

That sounds tough op, i can see how upsetting that would be for you.
The only way you can get a different reaction from them is to alter what you do when they are with you.
You say you work hard to give them a better life, does your work impact onto the quality of the time you spend with them when they are with you?
Do you have time to relax with them, play with them, read, watch a film etc? Do they feel valued? Time is much more important than monetary items for children.

In all honesty it sounds like you’re sacrificing the present with their for the future.
If you want something to change you need to change it. I’m certainly not saying you need to let them spend all their time on iPads or consoles but how can you make it more fun for them at yours and less ‘shouty’. It’s sad if that’s what they think of yours.
My eldest says his dad is too shouty and not fun. I’ve said to him focus on doing some fun things as well and maybe building that relationship up more so you don’t have to shout as much. I don’t have to shout as much but I still get them to do things.

How old are they and do you not have any tech at your house?

You need to concentrate on your kids now while they are young, not worry too much about the future.
When they are 16 and can choose where to live, who do you want them to choose ?

That’s sounds awful but normal. They see their dads house as home. As a child of divorced parents it’s really awful to leave somewhere you call home and live somewhere not home for a couple or few days. When I went to my dads my bedroom was cold and not child centred. It could have been anyone’s spare room. Never mind the fact my dad was very absent and didn’t invest in us with time. He would spend money on us but there was no connection. I used to cry before going as I didn’t want to go so badly. I missed my home comforts. My only advice would be perhaps work less. Split the care 3/4 days one week. Make sure your house looks like a family home. Toys, games, child’s bedrooms. That might help.

Is it Thursday Friday and Saturday you have them?

I agree you need to live for now or you may regret it. Can you work less? What kind of hours do you do? Either negotiate less tech at their dads or get the same for your place. Or even better start planning fun things to do on the Saturday. How old are they?

Also if they ask to go to their Dads don’t shout or get offended/ react. Just calmly say ‘sorry honey you’re with me now’. And ask them what they would like to do, communicate as much as possible. Tell them it’s okay to miss their Dad, let them call/ FaceTime him as much as they want. More stuff is open now so you could do trips to the beach, take them out for a pizza or do movie nights at home.

It sounds like you have a good co parenting relationship which is great but you need to think of yourself and how you can make life more enjoyable for your kids (and yourself), and live in the moment a bit more.

I’m going to be honest although you may not like to hear it. There is more to life than money and work, it sounds to me like you need to find a balance. You are not solely responsible for providing for their future, your ex has 50% of that responsibility. I am sure that you have the best of intentions but it sounds to me that you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself and forgetting to have fun, “living for tomorrow but you lose today”. I’m a single mum myself and I’m know how hard it can be, I gave up a successful career in business and moved to work in a school so I’d have time with my girls. Be kind to yourself and enjoy your kids while they are still kids, don’t miss out on their growing up b cause you’re too busy working. They need you more than they know. Sending a big hug OP... it’s tough being a single parent

I’m a 40 year old woman and still feel the pain of my mum’s work ethic. She worked, worked, worked. We had very little of her time, what time we had we could feed her mind was elsewhere as she was so busy. All the things she brought became another symbol of how much she didn’t see our needs. We never bonded as a result.

I dunno, I mean if you're resorting t shouting in the 3 days you have them something needs to change. It doesn't need to be all sunshine and rainbows, but it does need to be a happy home. Most kids have consoles these days...... They don't tend to want to move out over them.
It's pointless focusing on what's going on in your ex partners home. Concentrate on your own home and what changes you can make so they look forward to being there.

I know you say you're working hard to invest for their future, but sadly, as others have said, there may not be a future with them as you're putting work before their needs. They're telling you what they need-your attention and time. More fun. Less shouting. Why aren't you listening to them? If you don't change things, things won't change. I feel very sorry for you and understand why it's upsetting, but it's a situation of your making. There may be enough time to change it, maybe not.

How old are your children? I think mine would choose an iPad over me most days.
But I agree, you need to spend time with them. Play whatever games they like, watch movies together, cook their favourite dinners with them. Make them feel special.
Good luck

First of all, remember they don't say these things to be hurtful, they're not aware of the emotional impact on you. I think it's a bad idea to ask them if they missed you or similar. It's placing too much emotional burden on them.

How old are they OP? You don't have to give them all the latest tech, but I agree with other posters that you need to make sure they have some fun stuff to do and play with.

And try to cut down on the shouting. It's possible to be firm and have boundaries without shouting to reinforce them.

What is your plan/goals? Maybe you need to let that go a bit to actually spend some quality time with your children and bond with them. When they grow up they'll realise you prioritised work over them. Work isn't the be all and end all, family is.

The kids won't be doing it to hurt you so I would take heed of what they are telling you and work on making some changes.

Work on a strong connection with each of them and do the things that each child loves. One of mine likes snuggling with a book while I read, the other loves when I play board games with them. It's doesn't take too much time but is great for connecting.

Be emotionally prepared for it next time, don't react and try and have a weekend full of love and joy.

It must really hurt to hear them say that though when you feel you are doing your best for them

You really have to stop shouting. What you are saying is heartbreaking for you and not much fun for them. You don;t have to be a Disney parent but you could make an effort for there to be fun things with you that they don't get there.

Seriously, learn how to parent without shouting. It is possible.

Then talk with them - ask what they'd like to do with you,. No screens but what about fun stuff you can do together like baking a cake or having a pizza, popcorn and film night or a games night every Friday (choose games that aren't too competitive so they don't end in tears.) Little rituals like this can make them look forward to their time with you.

Make sure the house smells nice, looks clean and welcoming and that you cook their favourite dinners when they come home to you. Ask them if there are things they fancy doing at the weekends and do some of that stuff. Read them amazing bedtime stories. Dance in the kitchen with them. Small, fun things that raise the mood.

Long term, they will recognise the efforts you make to give them your time and attention instead of just parking them in front of screens. What DC appreciate when small is not what they appreciate when they look back.

What do your kids do at your place when you have them OP?

How old are the children?

You may not have all the gadgets but there is plenty other fun stuff you can do with your children- in or our of the house.

Plan activities, let them knwo what will be happening next time they come over, take time to engage with them.
Kids of most ages love to make pizza- have an indoor or outdoor pinnic, plant a vegetable garden, a seaside or woodland walk, camp in the garden, have a clay modelling evening.
Plan these things with your children in advance so they can look forward to a fun activity.

And don't shout at them.
PLan with them in advance so they will be looking forward t

Use some of the money you've saved to buy a Nintendo switch and play with them! Mario kart is so fun.

If you only have them 3 days you need to assess why you are getting to stressed that you are shouting at them.

Make your house as fun as dad's!

Can you take them out of the house to do activities to distract them a bit from the contrast of consoles Vs not? Like soft play after school or something. Or at the weekends day trips? That might get them excited about coming and gradually you can reduce it down as going to mummy's becomes a positive thing

Also, I know it's really hard when they don't listen, but try to find ways to limit the shouting. I know easier said than done

I really feel for you, it must be really hard.

You have them for less than 50% of your life, you need to focus that time on them.

Less shouting, no looking or acting hurt when they talk about dads. What kind of mum did you always want? Be that mum

If they have PS4, tablet, iPhone at dads with no limits applied and nothing with you they will choose Dads.

Why are you shouting?
Why don't they have iPads, Xbox's etc?
What do you do with them whilst they are with you?

And I’m like wow you haven’t seen me for 4 days, and this is the first thing you ask me? Wasn’t those 4 days enough for you?

Please tell me you don't actually say this to your kids.

What do you do together when they're with you? I agree you need to make it fun. Sit down with them and make a list of things they would like to do, you can make suggestions and it doesn't need to cost a lot.

There’s never any reason to shout at children, if you do it indicates you’re not in control. If you have authority with your kids, they don’t need to be asked to do things repeatedly. Think of it as customer feedback - if you were customer facing you would need to work on your people skills so as not to alienate the customers.

While I’m fairly anti-tech, kids need to have their iPads with them and ps4s in this case to keep the peace.

Finally, kids just want parents who are present, not working for a future they can’t see.

Most 50:50(ish) shared care arrangements suit the parents, not the children. Would you like to have to spend half your time in one home, and half in another, with no control or choice over when you had to swap? Many parents are in denial about how crap it is for the kids. I'll probably get a lot of posters shouting at me about how their kids are fine with it, and I'm sure some are, but lots aren't.

Your DC might be happier staying with you for two long weekends a month than constantly pinging between households. Then you could focus on those weekends being fun, with no work.