DC don't want to see me and miss me when they're at their dads

[heartbroken201]

I have 3 DCs, and been separated from their dads for a few years now. He lives nearby and very involved in their lives, because of my work he has them 4 days and I have them 3 days. He is a good dad and I’m really grateful to have him. He lives with his girlfriend and her daughter, the thing is at their house the kids have iPads , PS4 etc which they don’t have here.

When I pick them up from school on Thursdays they’ll say can you take us to daddy’s house now? And I’m like wow you haven’t seen me for 4 days, and this is the first thing you ask me? Wasn’t those 4 days enough for you? Every time I try take them out or do something with them, their dads house is always on the forefront of their minds. I can’t spend a day with them without them asking, can you take us to daddy’s house now?

When I ask them do you want to see me aswell? They say yes but we want to go to daddy’s house, daddy is more fun you shout at us. Well I do shout and tell them off when they’re doing something wrong, the thing is their dad does the same thing but they’ll listen because he has a big manly voice and I have to say the same thing 3-4 times before they listen and I’ll come off as nagging.

DD also said she doesn’t miss me when she’s at her dads house and I asked why, and she says because I’m having too much fun. But she’ll cry and ask for her dad when she spends a day at my house.

Ex tells me not to take it personally, and they’re only kids but it’s bloody hard not to take it personally when your own kids say they don’t miss you after a whole week at their dads and don’t want to spend any time with you.

I work a lot because I want to invest that money into other things so I can give them a good life in the future, I have a plan and a goal. I cried so much yesterday. Sometimes they don’t even want to come here when he has to drop them off, and ask to stay one more day at their dads house. I don’t even think they’d notice if they didn’t see me for weeks or months. They just don’t want to see me, and I don’t know what to do.

Their life is at their dads Accept that and do the best you can to make their relationship with you

That sounds really tough, op. It sounds hard for you and them.

Is it just the tech they are craving? I mean, that's an easy fix if that's the case. I'd just get a console that you can play together.

They are splitting their lives over two homes and the more alike that they are the less the dc need to adapt to make that switch every few days.

They're 5,7 and 8. When they're at my house, I take them out on Saturdays, they play in the garden, we do puzzles and bake together sometimes. I know that's not enough, sometimes DD will ask me to play with her and I can't cuz I have housework to catch up on. I can't afford the tech as I just got the job recently. Their dad have more money. I took them to the trampoline park yesterday as they've just opened, and first thing I was asked on the way there was.. uhmm are we going to daddy's house after? It's like a knife in my heart I'm grateful for their dad but it bloody hurts!

I think I could do more and I'll try do more of the things that were suggested here.

The housework can wait, Op!

I don’t know what it’s like to split your time between two houses as a child, as I only saw my dad on Sunday, but I do know that I wouldn’t have wanted to. I get homesick even as an adult.
Mum’s house was my home and that’s where I wanted to be. Going out for the day was fine, but then I wanted to go home to my bed.
Perhaps dad’s house feels like home to them.

I think saying you have housework to catch up on on when you’ve had 4 days child free isn’t great. I know you are working those days but you could do things after work and be as feee as possible for the. Read back what you have put so far-
No tech
You shout
Can’t play because of housework .....

OP it sounds like it’s really painful but as pp have said is this a sign things need to change. Say a bit more and maybe we can help you figure out what would help.

I think you’ve had some harsh replies actually. Many children will have both parents working so you shouldn’t feel bad for that. What is your working pattern over the week and what is his?

If you have them thur- Sunday (am?) I’m surprised you’re doing housework on the Saturday tbh and saying you can’t play though. You should have time during the week when they’re not there.

They could bring some of their tech with them? Certainly the ipads. I would make a point of not shouting since that's something your dd mentioned not liking.

I understand how hurtful this must feel for you op.

Have you been able to sit down and talk to them about the reasons they’d like to be at daddy’s? (I know you mentioned the shouting). Is there anything else?

Next time you have the children, You could all sit down with the children and come up with some family rules together. This could include things like kind hands/ always use kind words/chores/white voices (whatever works but try and keep them positive)
Also get them to decide on the consequences if these rules are broken. You could also factor in something like a star chart and when X amount of stars is achieved by each child, they can all have a treat of their choice (chosen by them). It could be anything that your child wants e.g. baking cakes at home/trip to the cinema/lunch out somewhere etc.

Apologies if you already do these things, but I hope the ideas help if you haven’t tried them .

I didn’t mean you all, I meant just you and the children!!

You have the other four days in the week to do housework.

Hi OP

I used to be the child in this situation. I used to go to my dads every weekend friday to Sunday night. I used to cry on the way home as I didnt want to go back to my moms. My dad wasn't a better parent than my mom (he was an alcoholic and never paid CM) but kids dont really see things like that, they see the fun side of things. For example at my dads I had two little sisters, a routine, lots of toys and comfort where at my moms she sort of left us to it and we were bored. It will pass and once they reach the teenage years they may start to appreciate your home more.

It’s all about priorities and housework when you could be spending time with your kids, when you only see them for a few days a week, is not a priority.

Think about it this way what memory do you want your kids to have, their mum playing with them or their mum doing the hoovering?

You’ve had a few harsh replies here OP. It is the a I I’ve to your heart when kids come out with these things.
First things first- housework can wait,
Can you do a little bit when when you’re not with the children.
Children need to made to feel important- that doesn’t mean it fun times all the way but when you are together they need to know they are loved. That could be as simple as listening to their endless stories, sitting down to watch a cartoon together, asking them their opinions.
I was in the supermarket yesterday and a mum and 8/9 year old were shopping (a boring task) but the mum had the little girl so well engaged that she was happily looking for things and her and her Mam were busy chatting away. It struck me as making a good job of a tiresome task .

Why are you prioritising housework when you had four childfree days to do it? Doing the minimum during those three days is perfectly adequate. If you do that I can't think of any task that couldn't wait until you'd played with your child.

Also, with them being so little, I think I'd build in blocks of time when they have your full attention and they know what to expect through their time there. So you schedule in a regular slot to watch a movie, go out, play games with you. If they know what is coming next because there is an established rhythm to your time with them then they know it's not yet time to go back to their Dad's home until say, you've had an afternoon movie together with treats or whatever you choose.

From your OP it does sound a bit like you are digging and dwelling. Unless you ask the rather loaded question "do you miss me at Dad's?" I'm not sure many children would describe that they don't. For all you know they probably say the same thing to your ex and he brushes it off.

Don't dig about what they do there, make your place your place where you are relaxed and running things your way, and the kids will appreciate it. Just say to them you have a different flavour lifestyle and if you're going for no devices but you are baking, gardening, walking, watching films and doing other things then they will come to see your house as where they do that, they will settle down. Accept the odd "I'd rather be at dads" as normal and just smile and say, it'll come around soon, and meanwhile it's lovely having you here.

My kids are a similar age and they would choose the house with the PS4 and Ipads over the house without. Regardless of which parent is there.

It's not easy, but I would try and focus on the kids as much as physically possible when they are home. Can you do housework etc on the days they are not with you? I work full time, and I generally try to avoid doing housework, shopping or life admin on the weekends. I would sooner just relax with the kids. I get it is easier that there are two of us at home to share the load. But DH works half the weekend, so I make a point of spending the one day we are all off together actually doing something together.

It's sounds hard.
I'd ignore any comments about wanting to go to Dad's house
I wouldn't be doing housework
I wouldn't be shouting and I would concentrate on fun.

Listen to the kids: they want to play with you.

They don't care about an immaculate house

At that age op they can do without tech. I would do what others have said and forget housework while you have them tbh. Just do it on the evenings when they're at their dads.

Just keep spending quality time with them it's all you can do.

You have 4 days a week without your children to catch up on your housework so why are you doing it when your children are trying to play with you?

Leave any housework, just do the absolute bare minimum so it’s not dirty (ie wash dishes and put them away).
It must be very hurtful to hear those things.

'You have 4 days a week without your children to catch up on your housework so why are you doing it when your children are trying to play with you?'

I think the op works but even so a quick hoover after a day at work is doable.