DC don't want to see me and miss me when they're at their dads

[heartbroken201]

I have 3 DCs, and been separated from their dads for a few years now. He lives nearby and very involved in their lives, because of my work he has them 4 days and I have them 3 days. He is a good dad and I’m really grateful to have him. He lives with his girlfriend and her daughter, the thing is at their house the kids have iPads , PS4 etc which they don’t have here.

When I pick them up from school on Thursdays they’ll say can you take us to daddy’s house now? And I’m like wow you haven’t seen me for 4 days, and this is the first thing you ask me? Wasn’t those 4 days enough for you? Every time I try take them out or do something with them, their dads house is always on the forefront of their minds. I can’t spend a day with them without them asking, can you take us to daddy’s house now?

When I ask them do you want to see me aswell? They say yes but we want to go to daddy’s house, daddy is more fun you shout at us. Well I do shout and tell them off when they’re doing something wrong, the thing is their dad does the same thing but they’ll listen because he has a big manly voice and I have to say the same thing 3-4 times before they listen and I’ll come off as nagging.

DD also said she doesn’t miss me when she’s at her dads house and I asked why, and she says because I’m having too much fun. But she’ll cry and ask for her dad when she spends a day at my house.

Ex tells me not to take it personally, and they’re only kids but it’s bloody hard not to take it personally when your own kids say they don’t miss you after a whole week at their dads and don’t want to spend any time with you.

I work a lot because I want to invest that money into other things so I can give them a good life in the future, I have a plan and a goal. I cried so much yesterday. Sometimes they don’t even want to come here when he has to drop them off, and ask to stay one more day at their dads house. I don’t even think they’d notice if they didn’t see me for weeks or months. They just don’t want to see me, and I don’t know what to do.

Not many separated dads (or mums) are in the OP's position of working hard in the week and having their kids every weekend. If the genders were reversed the dad would probably only have them EOW. I'm not suggesting the OP should do that but I'm saying that's why she's finding it hard.

If they have their own tech, like ipads, at their father's house, why aren't they allowed to bring the ipads with them to yours, since he can afford to provide them and you can't? Or is that a stupid question and avoiding the problem?

You say that your daughter said she doesn't miss you when she's at her dad's. The problem is, this makes it sound as though you've asked her. Why would you do that? When you have kids, particularly young ones, with an ex partner, you have to do everything you possibly can to give them a 'normal' and stable upbringing. Playing the guilt card by asking her does she miss you isn't fair on her.

They spend more of their time with their dad than with you. This likely means that, at the moment at least, they see their dad's home as theirs, and yours as simply somewhere they have to visit every week.

Imagine if you had to go elsewhere every weekend, when everything you liked it as home. I know tech isn't the be all and end all, but at that age it kind of feels like it, so they have everything they want at their dad's (and let's face it, most kids have things like that) and then they have to come to yours and it's like a tech ban for a few days. I can understand why they might not see that as a positive thing.

You need to carve out more time for them, to spend time together and do activities that you know they're going to enjoy. Why not get something techy for your house, too? I'm not saying they have to have screen time 24/7 but it can be nice to let them have a couple of hours over a weekend. They need to relax away from school and at the moment they're not able to do that!

It is tough, really tough, to share custody of your kids, but remember that THEY are the important ones, and while they're this age, even if you're struggling, you absolutely cannot put the weight of that on their shoulders. It's not fair, and could damage them AND your relationship with them in the long term.

I agree that you need to stop asking them if they miss you etc. It’s very normal for children to not ‘miss’ their parents if they see them regularly (almost half the time in your case) and feel happy and safe and secure. It’s difficult for you to hear but it’s much better for them that they like being at their dads. Unfortunately in life you just can’t have it all, either you have the income from the long shifts and accept less time with the children or you have less money and more time with them. Neither is wrong as it sounds like they are loved and well cared for by both parents. They love you both but it’s possible that if they spend more time there they feel like their dads is their main home. I don’t personally think the tech is the main reason but they should be allowed to bring the tablets etc with them. If they are t then you need to have a word with the ex as that’s not fair in them

Please don’t shoot me

But why not get the electronics they have at their dads ? You work hard and have the money

I know it’s contentious but as a single mum electronics have Been a lifesaver and a babysitter

Most kids have them nowadays

We might not like it
But that’s life in 2021

And your mental health will be a lot better with happier kids

Doesn’t mean 24-7

Apologies
So get second hand
Or ask dad for a loan

Sorry , only a partial solution I know

Why can’t the kids just take their tech kit to yours? Have a tech bag that they pack all their goodies in and that goes with them to each house so it’s more fair? That would make them feel more at home as well, the things they love moving with them rather than staying in one place.

No need to be so apologetic Thisis

@Carbara

You have the other four days in the week to do housework.

Just what I was thinking!

A bit after or before work on the 4 days the kids are at their dad's should be enough to keep on top of the house stuff, OP, then you can devote that time to having fun with the kids instead.

This must be so hard for you.

I know you're saving up, but could you not afford a cleaner - mine is £13.50 per hour and she comes for two hours a week. She's only just started but its amazing not having to soend weekends cleaning and catching up on housework.

A national trust pass might be a good ideal? When I was a single parent I paid just over a fiver a month for me and two dc and we went on a different adventure each weekend. They also do things like bug packs - where you put a £5 deposit down and get a backpack with bug identifying tools and pictures, my dc loved doing this and then they'd be tired from all the walking and exploring they would be happy to get home, have baths and snuggle up watching a film. There's also loads of beaches that are NT and you get free parking making the cost of a day out petrol and sandwiches.

I second the poster who said young children need to know what they're doing. Each night I would tell your dc what you'll be doing and each morning reiterate it so they know.

Concentrate on relationship building, creating routines with them as dc need routines and boundaries to grow up feeling secure and read the book how to talk so your children listen and listen so they can talk. I used to shout all the time before I read that when my dc were similar ages.

You really need to get the housework done when they're at their dads, or at the very least, in the mornings/evenings when they're in bed. They're with you less than 50% of the time - they want your time, not to see you shouting and tidying the kitchen.

I would also stop asking your kids if they've missed you - they shouldn't be responsible for your emotional wellbeing in that respect. Make their time with you fun - don't focus on housework and what they have at their dads.

Brutal as it might sound, your DCs need technical gadgets at your home. It’s lovely that people think children should be able to survive without them, and enjoy the natural things in life, but the reality is that children like to be the same as their peers and have iPads, playstations, etc. So I don’t think its that they prefer dad, but just that they prefer the set up he has in respect of the techy stuff.

They can't envisage a good life in the future. They have a good life at the moment with their father and would like that to extend to a good life with you, but NOW not in the far distance.

in my experience, its actually often far less to do with which parent it is, and often to do with which house it is and what they have got to do and entertain themselves with when theyre there.
I used to think one of my dc prefered their dad as always wanted to go there, but once I got better wifi and computer here, they prefer it here. Its not that they dont love or do love either of us. Theyre pretty secure, but they want to be where the wifi doesnt lag and they can play videogames and where their best stuff is and the nicest snacks are. Theyre as fickle as cats

all of that i mean is assuming that one parent isnt scary or hurting them. I mean if both parents are nice enough, then it boils down to more superficial stuff

Ffs with the 'get a cleaner' that could cost close to £100 pm. OP, as others have said it's hard for them to have two homes. Would an option be for them to have dinner at one or the other house 2/3 times a week but have one firm base and split weekends or do eow? If you live v close that's workable. It may be that you (if you're the dinner only) parent sees them a little less overall but if the balance and dynamic is better then it might work. Ignore the nonsense about it being strange or unusual or unnatural for the mum not to be the main parent. It's not remotely relevant. If my ex was willing and suited to a more even split than eow I'd jump at it and would do what suits the kids best. Just counting up the hours and saying an even split is best is short sighted and ignoring the quite complex thing that children of split parents are asked to do.

@heartbroken201

We split in 2019, and back then they would only see their dad at the weekends. Then things changed with the COVID situation, when they were off school for 6 months March-September, we decided they spend a week with me and a week at their dads house. Then I tried started my own business when they were back at school, and they spent more time at their dads house because he wanted to take them to school. That business didn't bring much money in, so I decided to look for a job and that's where we are now.

To be honest I know I can do more, they want me to take them to the park and play with them in the garden but I'm so tired after being on my feet for 12-14 hours a day.

When they're in the garden that's when I'm trying to prepare their dinner. I need to find a way to get the housework out of the way so when I have them for 3 days, it's just all about spending time with them and not cleaning or cooking.

So you're working 4 days of 12-14 hour shifts then having the kids for 3 days? One of those days they're presumably at school tho so are you off that day or working?

Not many separated dads (or mums) are in the OP's position of working hard in the week and having their kids every weekend. If the genders were reversed the dad would probably only have them EOW. I'm not suggesting the OP should do that but I'm saying that's why she's finding it hard.

They often try though. My ex did. Wanted all the fund times and nothing else. Thankfully as is often the case the judge noted the unfairness of that for the parent doing the weekly slog, dealing with childcare, school runs and home work

Reading between the lines your kids are allowed to do what they want at dads house - which clearly involves a lot of time on computer games.

That's what they like. Not their dad better than you.

Stop asking them if they miss you. They're too young to understand the impact of the question.

Maybe it's time to look at how the time with the children is split between you and their dad?

Working 12-14 hour shifts and then having your children for 3 days straight after isn't giving you any breathing space.

It sounds like you have a good relationship with your ex (who does have it easier than you! They are at school for the majority of the time they are with him and he has a partner to help).

Can look at switching to EOW visits with a day in the week (when you're not working)? It may be less time but could be more quality time?

The dad has the kids for four days a week when they're at school and gets every weekend off. (Unless he works all weekend.)
And as pp have already pointed out weekends are fun times. If a Mum has them during the week nobody says she has it easier, everybody says that is the drudgery, the slog of homework, school runs packed lunches and so on. Whilst Dad gets to rock up of a weekend and do fun stuff. 4 child free days a week should be more than enough to do the housework especially if there is nobody in it to make a mess for the vast majority of those days.

I remember my daughter aged about 7 crying and saying she missed her daddy when she was with me, I'm pretty sure she wouldn't have dared to cry at her dad's and say that she missed me because he would have told her off for her disloyalty.

It sounds like you have a good relationship with your ex (who does have it easier than you! They are at school for the majority of the time they are with him and he has a partner to help).

I don't think he does have it easier. He's the one doing the vast majority of the school runs. He'll be doing homework, washing uniform, sorting their lunches, making sure they have their PE kit, musical instruments, money for school trips etc.

If a woman came on here and said she did all the "drudge work" every week while her ex swanned in at weekends to take them to the trampoline park, she'd get a TON of sympathy. Plenty of people would be saying it's not fair that she never gets a fun weekend with her kids.

If OP doesn't want to have them every weekend then she needs to either drop contact even more, or have them one or two nights in the week instead.

Going against the grain here but your DC are still very young. I'm not sure they need tech on tap the whole time at both houses.

I'd get them out of the house most Saturdays for a full day trip somewhere they can run around and let off energy. Take a picnic or buy food there, buy everyone ice-creams and then either get takeaway or heat a precooked meal in the evening. Hopefully the weather will start getting better and there are lots of fantastic places to visit. Focus on being 'present' with the children... it's a lot easier to do without the distractions of home.

Having exhausted them on Saturday, you can then have a quiet Sunday. Cook brunch together, watch TV and play boardgames.

If you need to do something, tell them and set a time-limit, "Mummy just needs to tidy the kitchen but it will only take half an hour, then we can play a game".

There is also a lot of assumptions that the DF is allowing unlimited screen time, when all the OP has said is they have devices at their Dads but none at all at hers. Noticeably the comments from the DC were Daddy doesn't shout and we have fun, not Daddy lets us on our ipad all the time. Op acknowledges that her ex tells the children to behave without shouting whereas she shouts, and she also acknowledges she could be doing more with them. Maybe she could get them a switch or a console for her house but more importantly is spending time with them.

Ask their dad if they can bring their IPads. I totally agree with everyone that says it's the tech they miss, not their dad or his house.