DC don't want to see me and miss me when they're at their dads

[heartbroken201]

I have 3 DCs, and been separated from their dads for a few years now. He lives nearby and very involved in their lives, because of my work he has them 4 days and I have them 3 days. He is a good dad and I’m really grateful to have him. He lives with his girlfriend and her daughter, the thing is at their house the kids have iPads , PS4 etc which they don’t have here.

When I pick them up from school on Thursdays they’ll say can you take us to daddy’s house now? And I’m like wow you haven’t seen me for 4 days, and this is the first thing you ask me? Wasn’t those 4 days enough for you? Every time I try take them out or do something with them, their dads house is always on the forefront of their minds. I can’t spend a day with them without them asking, can you take us to daddy’s house now?

When I ask them do you want to see me aswell? They say yes but we want to go to daddy’s house, daddy is more fun you shout at us. Well I do shout and tell them off when they’re doing something wrong, the thing is their dad does the same thing but they’ll listen because he has a big manly voice and I have to say the same thing 3-4 times before they listen and I’ll come off as nagging.

DD also said she doesn’t miss me when she’s at her dads house and I asked why, and she says because I’m having too much fun. But she’ll cry and ask for her dad when she spends a day at my house.

Ex tells me not to take it personally, and they’re only kids but it’s bloody hard not to take it personally when your own kids say they don’t miss you after a whole week at their dads and don’t want to spend any time with you.

I work a lot because I want to invest that money into other things so I can give them a good life in the future, I have a plan and a goal. I cried so much yesterday. Sometimes they don’t even want to come here when he has to drop them off, and ask to stay one more day at their dads house. I don’t even think they’d notice if they didn’t see me for weeks or months. They just don’t want to see me, and I don’t know what to do.

They are very young op - they are just being (brutally) honest, but please don't think it's down to not loving you!

My three kids love their tech and at times have all had a huge preference for their Dad because he will play it with them whereas I don't.

I think your kids are saying 'when are we going to Daddy's', when they mean 'when am I going to play on my PS4 again'. Why can't they bring the tech with them back to your house? My kids bring theirs on holiday with them - it is a big part of their lives.

Don't do housework when they are with you, op. Just a quick tidy and wash up from your food and activities. Do your housework in the evenings that they are not with you.

Do you have a smart TV and as PP suggested, can they bring their tech? Is exH in the family home? Can they choose some bedding and posters for their bedrooms? Do they have lots of cuddly toys? Does their dad have a lot of the stuff that you built up for them together? Can it be equalised a bit?

Oh and yeah, drop the shouting. My kids listen when I shout because I rarely do.

I can't cuz I have housework to catch up on.

No you don't. You live alone, realistically there isn't going to be anything that you can't make time for I'm those 4 days.

When people say they "drop everything" for their kids... I think you need to start doing that. They just want your time and attention. Listen to them, play with them. It doesn't have be a ton of expensive activities or toys, just focus your attention on them.

I wouldn't advise moving the tech between homes while the children are young. It is fiddly and there is the potential for it to break/be lost and that could cause rows. The PP who suggested getting a Switch made sense. Have something exciting and different so that when they come to you they get to play different games. When they are teenagers they will probably cart their own tech around and refuse to let anyone else touch it!

If you're having to shout several times before they do something then shouting isn't working. Why not ask them nicely to do it and then remind them nicely if they don't do it?

When my DD went on her year 6 residential trip she commented that many of the class were missing their PS4 more than their parents. I think most kids want to be where the screens are, even if they are not on them all the time. Can you move the iPads and PS 4 to your house?

You've had harsh replies here. I doubt people woukd criticise a man for working hard to provide for his children. And if he did all the chores midweek and just fun stuff at weekends, then he'd be a Disney Dad

But, shouting at children is never a good parenting choice. And it sounds as though you put quite a lot of emotional pressure on your children. If you stop these, then I expect yiur relationship will improve

I agree about doing the housework when your dc aren't there.

I personally find that hard as I'm so tired after work.

Break it into 4 chunks and do one each day after work. For example, day 1 you clean the bathroom/s and change the beds. Day 2 you clean the kitchen and dust etc.

It's not so bad and if you've not got packed lunches to make, extra washing from the children then it becomes easier.

You can then do a minimal amount when the dc are around.

I work a lot because I want to invest that money into other things so I can give them a good life in the future, I have a plan and a goal. I cried so much yesterday.

I would suggest living a bit more in the present. There are no guarantees that future will come, and even if it does, you need an existing relationship with your children to enjoy it.

I’d stop putting housework before your kids for a start, you only see them 3 days a week. Of course they’ll want to go home to their dads, that’s their home, where they feel safe and secure. You’ve talked about shouting at them, sacrificing your present with them to invest in your own future (so putting your needs and wants first), and putting housework before them on the days you do get to see them. Of course they want to go home.

How long have the children spent 4 days at Dads and 3 days at yours, as you said in first post it was years ago you had split but then in the second post you said the job was fairly recent? So did you have them more when they where younger before this new job?

To be honest it sounds like they see their Dads as their main home, they have their toys there and also there is more of a family unit there.

You have to live for now, you need to spend quality time with your children, they will only remember mum working and cleaning otherwise. The current arrangement isn’t working and needs to be looked at.

and I can't cuz I have housework to catch up on

Can't you prioritise the housework on the days that the children are at their dad's house?

You've made the choice, as a mother, to only have your children 3 days a week. Your relationship with them is breaking down as a result. I know I am old-fashioned and probably being unreasonable, but I can't imagine this situation. It's not natural.
I don't see how your work would serve as a block to seeing your kids less than half the time.

We split in 2019, and back then they would only see their dad at the weekends. Then things changed with the COVID situation, when they were off school for 6 months March-September, we decided they spend a week with me and a week at their dads house. Then I tried started my own business when they were back at school, and they spent more time at their dads house because he wanted to take them to school. That business didn't bring much money in, so I decided to look for a job and that's where we are now.

To be honest I know I can do more, they want me to take them to the park and play with them in the garden but I'm so tired after being on my feet for 12-14 hours a day.

When they're in the garden that's when I'm trying to prepare their dinner. I need to find a way to get the housework out of the way so when I have them for 3 days, it's just all about spending time with them and not cleaning or cooking.

I agree with the others about doing housework...if you are in a child free house for four days a week and you work during those days, how can enough housework accumulate enough that means you have to spend time doing it at the weekends? Worse case scenario, can’t you do it whilst they sleep?

What hours do you work?

What about their dad, what days and hours does he work and what happens before and after school?

I also agree with other posters commenting on how PlayStations and iPads etc can take precedence over anything and it’s more likely they want to be at home with them as opposed to it being they want to be with their dad over you.

Me and my husband are together so it’s not a similar situation as yours, but they show preference for me purely because of how much time I get to spend with them over their father (although we both work) and I make sure that I spend time playing with their toys with them, playing with puzzles and board games, drawing, painting, play-doh, making dens, film and snack nights etc, all the kind of focused attention that children want from their parents.

I know you say you work hard for their future, but they’re too young to understand that. And even if they did understand, I’m pretty sure they would still want your time more than they would want your money.

My mom worked a lot when I was young and I have very few memories of her from my childhood. I find it really sad that she doesn’t play a large part of my memories which is part of the reason why I make sure I spend as much time with my children as I can so they don’t have the same experience that I did.

It’s time to think about your priorities - because as previous posters have said, nothing is worth jeopardising your relationship with your children for.

Kids are so damn fickle. Id seriously consider getting better technology at yours otherwise youre setting yourself up to fail. I know its sad, but even if they have one decent console at yours theyll probably be happier.
The whole pandemic theyve had to rely on virtual world. Theyre digital natives

Can you say more about your working pattern? Are you doing long days on the days they are with your husband? 12-14 hour days sound a lot. It is hard to advise really without knowing more about your routine.

You could play in the garden and then they help you prepare the dinner. I think you just need to think how you can make small changes that will make a big difference. Good luck.

I understand this op and it is very hard. My gs's live with me and their dad had eow contact. He was a violent thug (with convictions for serious violence) and he had them at his parents. I always remember them telling court that my gs cried when he had to come back to me. So hard to hear. I really felt I had failed him.

Strangely when he was returned he ran up the drive and pushed through the front door without even acknowledging them.

I think in the early days they threw loads of money at him, but over time he grew tired of the enforced "activities" and spent a lot of time outside their home. The final straw was when my dd2 was sat having a meal at around 10 pm and saw him wandering the streets in the cold and dark. He was also hungry. At 16 he refused to see them ever again.

Children can be incredibly selfish but you need to manage this. You say you want to invest in their future but a bit of investment now will make things happier for you all. It must be soul destroying but the answer lies with you.

I have brought up two families and I have made mistakes. Regret is a horrible emotion.

I think you are doing an amazing job ,being a SM and working hard to provide for their future needs.However a balance needs to be struck here TBH. Can you reduce your working hours at all? I think you are probably stressed out and shouting at them ,because of not having any "me" time ATM.Children will say what they are thinking at that moment ,they wont think about hurting you .DC see things very black and white."We have a good time with Dad ,he lets us play and doesnt shout at us!" "We love Mummy ,but she shouts ,and we dont have so many things to play on!Naomi Campbells DM /SPsaid she had to work very hard when Naomi was small as a dancer ,but all Naomi could see then was that Mum wasnt there! Try to balance out a little and I think things will improve .Can you take them to Local attractions ,out for a picnic(If weather ever improves!) a run to the beach maybe .Its not healthy to be indoors all the while for children (or parents either!)

@DinosaurDiana

You need to concentrate on your kids now while they are young, not worry too much about the future. When they are 16 and can choose where to live, who do you want them to choose ?

They'll be able to that at 12 !.

I think you need to find out a bit more about what happens at their dads if you can. If he has them mid week, are they mostly as school and the entire time they’re at his house are they playing on their devices? Are they eating healthy food at his (can you do more convenience food and treats at yours by comparison). At the moment it sounds like they’re comparing time at home with devices at their dads with time at home without devices at yours. Can you do more day trips out? Play dates with other families with children? Treats bowling or at a trampoline park? Now covid restrictions are lifting you have loads more options. Weekends during covid have been pretty boring for everyone, I wouldn’t take it personally.

Do, does he have them every Mon-Thurs (taking them to school) and you have Fri/Sat/Sun?

And at his house there’s not just their dad, but also his girlfriend who I’m going to assume shared the parenting/domestic/household duties?

I’m not sure your set-up currently is fair on anyone. I’m not surprised you struggle and the kids ask about daddy’s- and it sounds like it’s been a lot of upheaval in the contact schedule so it’s maybe not surprising they don’t know.

You’d be better with a 3/4 day split that also splits weekends EOW.

Some of these comments are really harsh and unfair.

Your Ex has a partners to pick up the domestic/ life admin when he has the kids and your do not. He has someone doing that labour to allow him to focus on the kids and you do not. It is harder for you. It just is. Of course there is domestic stuff you need to do when the kids are there - you have to cook and clean up afterwards and put washing out and on etc. It can't all just wait.

Tbh if I were you I would explain some of this to the kids. They are old enough to understand. I had no appreciation of what my mum did for me, and looking back I was a bit of brat. I do explain things like this to my eldest and he has taken it on board and does thank me.

Ask them what they want to do with their time with you. Give them some control. Show them you are listening. Carve out as much time as you can with them.

And that comment from PP about ' you don't need to repeat things if you have authority' utter nonsense! Kids are different! Some kids are very compliant and others really not!

It must really hurt when they say those things OP. I can hear that you love your kids and are trying to do your best for them. They will definitely look back when they are older and appreciate what you did and how hard you had it -especially when they have their own kids.