DC don't want to see me and miss me when they're at their dads

[heartbroken201]

I have 3 DCs, and been separated from their dads for a few years now. He lives nearby and very involved in their lives, because of my work he has them 4 days and I have them 3 days. He is a good dad and I’m really grateful to have him. He lives with his girlfriend and her daughter, the thing is at their house the kids have iPads , PS4 etc which they don’t have here.

When I pick them up from school on Thursdays they’ll say can you take us to daddy’s house now? And I’m like wow you haven’t seen me for 4 days, and this is the first thing you ask me? Wasn’t those 4 days enough for you? Every time I try take them out or do something with them, their dads house is always on the forefront of their minds. I can’t spend a day with them without them asking, can you take us to daddy’s house now?

When I ask them do you want to see me aswell? They say yes but we want to go to daddy’s house, daddy is more fun you shout at us. Well I do shout and tell them off when they’re doing something wrong, the thing is their dad does the same thing but they’ll listen because he has a big manly voice and I have to say the same thing 3-4 times before they listen and I’ll come off as nagging.

DD also said she doesn’t miss me when she’s at her dads house and I asked why, and she says because I’m having too much fun. But she’ll cry and ask for her dad when she spends a day at my house.

Ex tells me not to take it personally, and they’re only kids but it’s bloody hard not to take it personally when your own kids say they don’t miss you after a whole week at their dads and don’t want to spend any time with you.

I work a lot because I want to invest that money into other things so I can give them a good life in the future, I have a plan and a goal. I cried so much yesterday. Sometimes they don’t even want to come here when he has to drop them off, and ask to stay one more day at their dads house. I don’t even think they’d notice if they didn’t see me for weeks or months. They just don’t want to see me, and I don’t know what to do.

Do you pay your ex maintenance?
Tbh I'm imagining this was the genders reversed.
I know for a fact my step kids want to live with us full time, because we invest in them, play games with them, take them out, talk to them.
Their mum hasn't ever had a job and never will. Nothing to do with me, thats on her, but it does hurt when we're dropping them off and they're screaming and crying not wanting to go back because 'mummy doesn't talk to them/do anything with us'
We have them 45% of the time.
I think you need to lighten up a bit and actually start enjoying your children. They are only young for such a short period of time, pretty soon it'll be you knocking on their door wanting to spend time with them.

@heartbroken201

We split in 2019, and back then they would only see their dad at the weekends. Then things changed with the COVID situation, when they were off school for 6 months March-September, we decided they spend a week with me and a week at their dads house. Then I tried started my own business when they were back at school, and they spent more time at their dads house because he wanted to take them to school. That business didn't bring much money in, so I decided to look for a job and that's where we are now.

To be honest I know I can do more, they want me to take them to the park and play with them in the garden but I'm so tired after being on my feet for 12-14 hours a day.

When they're in the garden that's when I'm trying to prepare their dinner. I need to find a way to get the housework out of the way so when I have them for 3 days, it's just all about spending time with them and not cleaning or cooking.

Look at the organised mum method (tomm) and her organised time method.

Can you buy some second hand tech? for them to have at yours, don't do the housework when they are around and as others said try and do some fun things.

Well I think you and your ex deserve a lot of praise for your co-parenting and showing respect for each other. That is brilliant for the kids.

I also think you deserve a lot of encouragement for pushing through with managing work and the children, it sounds like a heavy load and you've persevered through business closure etc, not easy.

I actually think that the children's nagging to go to Dad's speaks to how comfortable they feel with you, they know they can be honest. That is very positive.

Let's be honest, kids are v attached to their technology and they will definitely be missing it if they have it at Dad's and not Mum's. And maybe they are allowed it a lot at Dad's? Not necessarily a good thing btw but they'll be loving it.

I know it sounds terrible but if there's anyway you could get a PlayStation it will likely make a big difference to the kids' perception of how great it is at Mum's, and it will also be something fun for them to do when you're trying to clean up after dinner.

The only other thing I can think of is that they might be picking up on your anxiety about managing the workload. Kids need a very low-key transition time between homes, a time when nothing is demanded of them and the parent can be around in a quiet way. Moving between homes takes energy and they will be needing you (and Dad) to provide a relaxed space as they settle in. So I'm wondering if their arrival time at yours coincides with you being tired and busy? Might be worth bearing in mind.

But don't tear yourself apart over this, you're doing a great job and it isn't easy when there's no partner to pick up the slack.

do the housework the day before they come and the day after they go back. Prepare meals that you can freeze and don't need a lot of time spent on them while the children are there.

It doesn’t sound like you’re scheduling in quality mum-child time. They spend more time at their dad’s house and he might also be more “present” too, as in he plays with them and ensures they have quality time together. When the DC are at yours, you’re physically there but not emotionally.

@eatsleepread

You've made the choice, as a mother, to only have your children 3 days a week. Your relationship with them is breaking down as a result. I know I am old-fashioned and probably being unreasonable, but I can't imagine this situation. It's not natural. I don't see how your work would serve as a block to seeing your kids less than half the time.

Really harsh and uncalled for. Would you say this if the dad had them 3 days a week? I doubt it.

You have no idea of her finances and why that arrangement came about. You are just kicking someone when they are down rather than offering practical solutions

Why not just cut it back to one day a week at your house if they don't like coming and you get impatient with them. Its what a lot of parents have.

@Viviennemary

Why not just cut it back to one day a week at your house if they don't like coming and you get impatient with them. Its what a lot of parents have.

I don't think seeing them less would help. The dad's house would feel even more like 'home' compared to hers.

So buy the same tech at your house ...
Why haven’t they got the tech
It’s what kids want these days

Have you asked them what they enjoy doing the most at their Dads?
I’m actually wondering if screen time might be at the root of all this.
You mention that they have iPads and games consoles at their Dads, do you know how much time they spend on them and if that time includes their Dad or not?
Screen addiction is very real and it is very easy for habits to form, especially when juggling three children and a job.

Practical stuff is great but if gaming is a hook then that could be a way in for you. You could try picking up a second hand wii u with the fit app and do some fun games with them like the bowling and tennis etc where you can all take it in turns. Yes of course you can do that in the real sense but it costs a fair bit.

buy some gadgets that they don't have at dad's. Kids are materialistic.

Children are entitled to have a place called home. Its about whats best for the children. Imagind if an adult was told ok you need to leave home three days a week and live somewhere else. Oh and you can't take your mobile and tablet etc with you.

Imagind if an adult was told ok you need to leave home three days a week and live somewhere else. Oh and you can't take your mobile and tablet etc with you.

It's a lot to ask of them.

Probably going to be an unpopular comment but a lot of children don’t like constantly to-ing and fro-ing and like to have a permanent base. It’s nothing to do with how much they ‘like’ or want to be with each parent. If they’re honest I think a lot of adults would struggle with having to spend half their time one place and then pack up all the stuff they need and take it elsewhere. If the tech is in an issue couldn’t they bring it with them? Do they have space of their own at your house?

@Viviennemary

Children are entitled to have a place called home. Its about whats best for the children. Imagind if an adult was told ok you need to leave home three days a week and live somewhere else. Oh and you can't take your mobile and tablet etc with you.

I understand moving between homes isn't ideal. But I don't see how seeing one parent only once a week is a better solution.

I work a lot because I want to invest that money into other things so I can give them a good life in the future, I have a plan and a goal.

This is the problem.

I work a lot because I want to invest that money into other things so I can give them a good life in the future

You need to be able to give them a good life now

I think you're in a tough situation here OP. So you work 12-14 hour days four days a week, and then have the kids every week for the other three days? It sounds like their dad has an easier time, with more time off to himself, so of course he finds it easier to be a fun dad.

I think most parents have more time to themselves that you do - either because they live with the father of their kids and share the childcare, or if they are separated because the kids are at their dad's sometimes. (Of course some people are lone parents with no other parent involved at all - that's really hard.)

Maybe one weekend a month you could have the DC for one night rather than three? So you get some time to yourself and their dad gets some weekend time with them?

Why can't they take their tech with them? DD takes her phone to her dad's. Tablet. If she was going for a few nights she'd probably take her Xbox, cause despite her dad having one too, all her game saves are on hers.

My parents split for a while when we were kids. We could come and go as we pleased between each house, provided there was an adult home. Obviously the only tech was a TV or a gameboy then, but our stuff was ours to take where we wanted.

How does it sound like dad has it easier?

When roles are reversed all that gets aid is "make sure he doesn't have them every weekend or you get all the hard work and none of the fun".....

Also, why are we encouraging her to be a Disney parent?

This is down to her putting her own needs first - asking the kids if they've missed her? Horrible. Stop putting your emotional needs on the children

How can you have so much housework? I work full time out of the home, and even if I don't do any during the week (other than tidying the kitchen) it only takes 2 hours to clean the house (washing obviously takes longer but it's not a labour intensive task)

Tbh, you're the maker of this situation. You need to grow up, stop prioritisation of yourself, and don't be a Disney parent either.

A

OP - this is recent and Covid has made children very tech dependent.

You need to reset the status quo with your EX - fine he wants to take them to school but so do you need to.

You are going to need tech in your house or to share. Batch cook during the week - does ot take long and freeze for 2 weeks.

Also you having them Thursday - Saturday is shit - why not the whole weekend every other week - then you get some fun time aswell. One Saturday free for kids things is shit - no wonder oyu ahve no time to do anything with them.

JustFrustrated How does it sound like the dad has it easier?

The dad has the kids for four days a week when they're at school and gets every weekend off. (Unless he works all weekend.)

I think its because they are predominantly live at their dads house which is strange usually its either 50/50 or 60/40 to mum. You might be working hard for the future but they don't stay kids for long its important to make time for them.

I took them to the trampoline park yesterday as they've just opened, and first thing I was asked on the way there was.. uhmm are we going to daddy's house after? It's like a knife in my heart I'm grateful for their dad but it bloody hurts!

Totally understand how hurtful that must be but I wonder if it is because they don't actually understand the arrangement properly. Maybe keep making it clear what the plans are, what you are all doing later. Then if they throw in a "are we going to dad's" comment then you can say "no silly I told you we're having dinner and watching a movie" or whatever. They're still young especially the 5 year old and probably need reassuring over what's happening.