To be mad at the lie?

[3scape]

My DH has made an auction purchase consisting of a large number of scale models. This is fine, something he's recently got into, hobbies are great. He is very pleased they were significantly under priced. He's cleaned them up and sent off photos he's been taking to sales sites and is definitely on track to make a profit and keep some for himself. All good.

But.

He told me he spent £150. He spent more actually £340. I found out in conversation with a friend who had seen the results of the auction prices. He will still make a profit. He can spend his hobby money how he chooses.

I'm going to have to talk to him about this. He's at work until Sunday.

I am really gutted that he's lied to me in this way. If you can lie about this trivial thing I guess anything might be bullshit? Is that extreme though? Do people lie about hobby costs?

@3scape

I literally have no control over any of his money. I only roughly know what he earns. As it should be. I doubt the friend would want to stir. But yes. It is odd for me to trust anyone over my husband. So maybe I need to not trust the friend. I hadn't considered that.

If you weren't married, sure, but you ARE married so you should know what he earns.

The amount varies every month, due to the nature of his work. I know roughly. I could probably ask, or just read his pay slips or go digging through bank statements- but I am not likely to bother doing that.

Do people lie about hobby costs?

Yes, and I see you've accepted that now. I have friends with horses who have lied to their partners about how much they spend on them, because it's a lot. Some of them have even lied about the number of horses they have. In some cases they have healthy and otherwise honest relationships, in other cases the relationships are not so good.

I can see why you are angry. I can remember an ex boyfriend lying to me about when he had topped up the credit on his mobile phone. A really small thing to lie about, yes? Except he'd lied because having no credit was his 'reason' for not contacting me. And his lack of wanting to contact me was revealing of much deeper problems. So a lie can be a warning sign. Or, it can just be someone thinking 'nope, not telling him/ her, they'll worry about the money and it doesn't really matter'.

How are finances generally, OP? You say you don't know how much he earns. Do you earn enough so that you have spare money for things you like? Is there an inequality there?

I'm with you though - I hate lies in a relationship.

I agree with PPs who say that you're overreacting. Small lies within an overall construct of trust isn't really a big deal. It's tiresome as an adult to always be 100 % accountable to someone else. So sometimes you rebel just slightly "yeah I'm on my way home " (just ordered another drink), "just missed train, sorry" (because I overstayed at the office just finishing something off and misjudged how long the tube would take), yeah the bag was half price (bollocks). But it's definitely a judgment as to whether it's really a harmful lie - and all of the above could be if your partner is relying on you to be home for a particular reason, or to stick within a strict budget or whatever. But we are humans, we are selfish and fuck up and lie sometimes, like we are sometimes snappy and bad tempered. It is a question of whether it's in the margins of tolerance.

I lie about the price of shoes and bags just because i can't be bothered with a conversation about 'wow that's expensive' and feeling like i need to justify what i'm spending my money on, puts a downer on something that should be a nice experience, i'm not cheating on DP..

He's not made a mug of you, OP.

It's also a little bit rude how you are passively aggressively telling posters that apparently it's okay to lie about hobbies.

Many people are saying that there are such a thing as harmless white lies. I tend to round down how much I spend on beauty products because DH just wouldn't understand the cost, and he doesn't need to - it's his money. This week I said I was working non-stop when in reality I sat and read my book for an hour, because I couldn't be bothered to do the chores 😁

You sound like you're harbouring a lot of anger from the past; have you considered therapy? Life doesn't have to be so black or white, and you should be able to trust your DH's reasons. This doesn't mean he's lying about everything. And people lying doesn't make them a bad person, it makes them human.

@longestlurkerever

The point you make is really bang on the money for me. That's exactly it. I don't always feel like having to tell someone exactly what I do or what I've spent - for no reason other than why should I have to? Sometimes I don't like actually saying the figure out loud because of guilt but also a lot of the time, it just feels invasive - even though it's not meant to be. Sometimes I notice my DP has bought a new game and not said anything, and I don't mention it for the same reason. I don't feel as if he needs a grilling for buying something for himself. It really is inconsequential in the grand scheme of things and sometimes having a bit of personal space or privacy to buy what you want is nice. I admit to having issues in this areas as I have a DM who doesn't have boundaries and I had literally no personal space as a teen/young adult.

This all ties into what a PP said about the fact that this could be more to do with the OP's partner's past, rather than her. I thought this was a really good point too - we're all focusing on the OP projecting her past but actually her DH may have baggage that made him reluctant to be totally honest.

Us humans are a complicated bunch

Lying is a strict no in this house. The smallest to the biggest lies.

It’s cowardly to lie about something small (eg spending) to avoid confrontation or an argument. It’s dishonest and makes the other person feel stupid and gaslighted when they find out. I like to think I have a thick skin and can stand up for myself if DH disputes the cost of something or I said something that would anger him.

Are you absolutely SURE he paid £340. Not £150 and told his friend £340 to justify selling the best one at top wack price to him? Only it's what most people do is put up the price they paid to justify asking more for it.

I don't think it's unreasonable to feel upset at being caught off guard with this lie, but I don't see the benefit outweighs the risks in automatically putting him into the 'liars lie' box, a very black and white concept, without talking to him about it. It's easy to assume the worst which blocks good communication, even worse to then find out it was an honest mistake, misremembering, mixing up this purchase with similar ones or that he was embarrassed in which case that's more a relationship concern than the lying to me which would just be a symptom.

I guess the English way would be to bottle them up.

That's a patronizing assumption. I'm not English, I'm Mestizo from a culture with the stereotype of being hotheaded on all sides. I don't allow my children to go slamming when upset around and have pulled my very English spouse up on it when he did it when we were teenagers. When I hear slamming, I get the feeling that they actually want to hit me because growing up, one often led to the other.

I found when I followed my family example in being a slammer, I wasn't actually feeling my emotions, I was amping myself up further, feeding the rage and not giving the underlying emotions space for me to get anything from them. I had to learn other ways to process, even when I'm on my own, or I'd just hurt myself or others. It's very difficult for me at times, but there are other ways from 'slamming things' and 'bottling things up' to move and process feelings, even strong complex ones as are obviously involved here.

Well. I guess there has been a lot of patronising assumption that I understand the notion of lies? People assume I'm being passive aggressive as well, when I'm just being my awkward self with socialising issues. If I don't let my emotions out on my own it is bottling things up and I find that personally damaging to me.

But the posters who asked about my sex life and called me Bashir did piss me off. The rest just don't quite understand, which is to be expected after a handful of short sentences that most people assume to be not entirely trustworthy, as it's online, where most things seem to be inaccurate or even misleading anyway. I'm not expecting a heart to heart over stuff. Some posters have given some insightful points. Which is really helpful.

I just wouldn't lie like that. Maybe that sounds judgmental? But I don't know those people and they don't have to deal with me? So it's not like I am in a position to judge. Maybe they are lieing to me .

Yeah this would piss me off, what would piss me off the most if I were you is that you were really pleased that he was so excited about his new hobby - it then just feels a bit meh when you find out he lied to you about it. It just damages the trust so needlessly - why do it?

I also hate it when people try to blame the lie on you by saying oh you must be too controlling or he's afraid of your temper or anger - people are allowed to feel angry and express that when they've been treated disrespectfully. I doubt the OP is beating or intimidating him or calling him abusive names.

I find if you think your oh isn't going to like something you're going to do then talk it through with them or don't do it. If you're going to do it anyway and then lie about it then don't be surprised when they find out and they're not happy.

What good is slamming around the house doing?seems immature.
Try to calm down and speak to him adult to adult.You are defensive so clearly think you are comfortably sat on the moral high horse.he's going to make a profit and you should give him a chance to explain.

Nothing wrong with a good slam about on your own! Helps relieve your mood and saves anyone else witnessing it…

I'd be utterly fucked off at the lie too, but do you reckon your dh could read architectural plans? Awesome money to be made in architectural model making.

The slamming around the house and the way you have reacted on here, could be a clue on why he kept the true costs from you, he thought it would make life easier. You are hugely blowing this “lie” out of all proportion, not all lies are equal you know.

Bollocks. Why are you getting such a hammering on here? For being cross he lied?! I don’t blame you for being cross about his lie, and you can stomp around in your own home!

Ah, no, you should obviously be a nice placid accepting little woman who is endlessly supportive, lies or no - #bekind - is that what you’re supposed to do? Astonished at some of these responses.

He shouldn’t have lied to you. End of story. Have a discussion about it.

I hope by now, op, you have spoken seriously to your husband and he has responded. If so it is probably all over now.

I’d be hurt. Just as a matter of interest, did you ask him how much it had cost or did he volunteer the information/lie?
My ex-husband lied and hurt me, my current husband was cheated on by his ex, we don’t lie to each other...I completely understand.

It wouldn't piss me off because at the end of the day it doesn't matter. I wouldn't have asked. Maybe the friend is wrong, maybe your husband told you profit or something. Maybe he feels silly spending that much..

I'd just ask "x said you paid $ but you said you paid $... why's that?"

My husband and I dont discuss what things cost unless someone brings it up.

Given your past history with an ex I can understand why you'd be sensitive to someone lying about money

Little white lies here and there about how much something costs happens everyday in every relationship but he downplayed the cost by 100%.....I'd ask him about and leave it at that