To be mad at the lie?

[3scape]

My DH has made an auction purchase consisting of a large number of scale models. This is fine, something he's recently got into, hobbies are great. He is very pleased they were significantly under priced. He's cleaned them up and sent off photos he's been taking to sales sites and is definitely on track to make a profit and keep some for himself. All good.

But.

He told me he spent £150. He spent more actually £340. I found out in conversation with a friend who had seen the results of the auction prices. He will still make a profit. He can spend his hobby money how he chooses.

I'm going to have to talk to him about this. He's at work until Sunday.

I am really gutted that he's lied to me in this way. If you can lie about this trivial thing I guess anything might be bullshit? Is that extreme though? Do people lie about hobby costs?

I think a lot of posters are very invested in the idea that when I'm on my own I can't my feelings about things. I guess the English way would be to bottle them up.

In the context of a reasonably long-term relationship where honesty has previously been presumed, and nothing has ever happened that would shake that presumption, discovering a partner has told you a barefaced lie for seemingly no good reason is extreme. In a different relationship, it wouldn't be extreme at all.

Where are we getting the information that the DH may have feared OP would explode in tears and rage if he revealed what he spent?

I think you're protecting your past experiences onto him which isn't very fair. Everyone lies - literally everyone. You can't go around life being angry at people that lie about silly little things (no pun intended) because you'd be left with noone. Have you never lied to him, ever about anything? I highly doubt this. Take a step back and give him a bit of a break, there's no need to be so worked up over this.

@3scape

It's fine to feel pissed off that he lied to you. It doesn't matter what it was about, he lied & now you feel less able to trust him.

You've had past experiences that have made you feel a mug and you thought your DH was different. You thought he didn't kid the lie to you and now you feel a mug (again).

You need to start by asking him to clarify how much he spent, then say, 'oh friend said she saw the auction & it was £xxx, have you bought another lot?'

Take it from there, but talk to him & explain how these little lies make you feel.

Tbh I think most of us lie about daft stuff because either we know someone will make us feel bad about it or because we feel bad about it. It doesn't mean we'd lie about 'real' stuff, but some might.

Talk to him when he gets home at the weekend. Try not to stew in it in the meantime!

It's Friday!!! 🍹🍿

I can see why you are upset at being lied to about something unimportant. It can make you think that if he will lie about something so trivial, what major things has he lied about?
It's not the lie itself, it's the being lied to.
This is very different to a 'does my bum look big in this?' response lie.

Is it possible the lie is to his friend? In that he doesn’t want friend to know he (DH) bought the items for £150, particularly as selling to friend?

However have to say I might not be wholly truthful regarding cost of my purchases to my DH - though we have reached the stage where he tends not to ask now. He once guessed one purchase ‘must have been at least £500’. I said it was over £500 but less than a £1000. DSS told him cost was £980. I did agree this was what I had paid but assumed he would guess it was upper limit! Everyone is happier no he doesn’t ask!

*now he doesn’t ask!

@VeganVeal

The only reason I can think of is that he's scared to tell you in case you flip. Are there any sexual problems?

Why would you ask this? Not relevant at all.

I have a sneaking sympathy for your DH. If my husband knew how much I spend on my crafts he'd be astounded. I often 'underplay' what things cost when I mention them. When you add up classes/magazines/shows/paints/inks/paper etc etc it's a small fortune and it seems to be never ending. Just this week I signed up for a course of zoom lessons that cost £175. To me it's totally worth it. I'll acquire a new skill and get a great deal of enjoyment from them but when I see it written like that it looks like so much money.

I don't think he'd mind and it is well within our means but I am quite embarrassed about it so tend to fudge the cost "oh, it's not expensive, just a few pounds' when it's actually £50 or just not mention cost all. If he asked outright I'd tell him but luckily he hasn't - yet.

@3scape

He has no reason to hide anything. Or at least I thought he didn't. My ex spent all of our savings without mentioning it to me. Maybe I'm scared.

Two questions - how certain are you that your reaction today is to what your husband has just done, and not to how it made you feel when your ex lied to you?

And what about his past relationships? What might they have taught him about honesty or spending? If you acknowledge that your past may have had an impact on how you respond to situations now, it's not a massive leap to consider whether your DH has been in situations where he's learned that being honest and open about spending leads to arguments or guilt.

I think your past clouds your judgment on this somewhat.
I also wouldn’t be surprised if he had actually spent less but was talking about something specific, eg when I talk about some of my crafting pieces I talk about the cost of the ‘core’ part but the total could be double or triple!

OP I see absolutely nothing wrong with you venting your feelings while alone, if that’s what works for you to get your head straight! Just don’t let your brain get carried away with the ‘if he lied about this then he could be lying about anything’ or ‘he’s made a mug of me’ thinking. As people are trying to demonstrate, even when it’s their own money sometimes people are a bit embarrassed about how much they spent on something for themself so they downplay the cost when they tell their partner (or parents).
Have a chat with him, sounds like he was just a bit of a Wally rather than anything intentionally malicious though…

@3scape

It's my normal reaction when I'm alone to get angry at myself and stomp about. I guess for some people being made a mug of is no big deal, but yes, it upsets me.

If I knew someone who behaved like that, I would be reluctant to tell them things I knew might annoy or upset them - simply because I wouldn't want to deal with the potential consequences.

Maybe your DH didn't want to deal with you stropping about and slamming doors?

I was cheated on by my ex.

I can see why you're reacting so strongly, based on this bit of your OP. But it does feel that you are over-reacting and projecting your ex's sins onto your partner.

In an ideal world, no one would lie. But everyone does. This, bearing in mind it's his own money and he's still going to make money on this transaction, is way down there on the lie-o-meter and doesn't signal that he too will cheat on you one day.

For me its never what the lie is about so much as the lie itself. As soon as I know you have lied to me I will know I can never fully trust you.

It doesnt matter if its lying about spending £10 on a takeaway or £10000 on a car, the lie is still the same size to me.

So....YANBU in my book.

How much was you beautiful skirt
£25
Actual price £40

He may have lied be I he knows it cost more than maybe he should have spent
Does it matter in the grand scheme of life ? If your finances can afford it

I might fib about it if I knew he was going to make a sarcy comment about how much I’d spent.

This, I see it on mumsnet and in real life all the time. People judge, we all do, it happened inadvertently in our minds before we can stop ourselves and not everyone can stop that showing even if they want to. Maybe you're like that OP, and you don't even realise, and he doesn't want to deal with the eyeroll/sarcy comment/having you bring it up as a funny story about him.

Especially in cases where it's not shared money and the other person isn't affected. Why lie in that case?!

See all reasons stated above. I've lied to a partner before about how much i spend on high end make up. It was my money and he'd make what he genuinely thought were funny comments (no malice at all) about it sometimes. Sometimes i just didn't want that so would tell a white lie. And he'd do exactly the same to me about gaming.

Liars lie, right? It's literally who they are

This is so overdramatic. Everyone lies. Is everyone a 'liar'.

'your jeans looks nice'
'no of course your haircuts not bad'
'yes this meal you've made me taste's delicious'
'I loved the present you got me'
'yes mum i always iron my clothes' (lies, i only iron when im going to see her)
'yes of course i researched 20 different toasters before i got this one dad' (lies, i bought the first one that had decent reviews because im not retired like him and can't spend hours researching the best toaster but i can't be arsed for the lecture from him about 'always doing your research')
we all lie to children all the time (santa etc)

Lying can be polite, it can sometimes be just because the truth isn't worth the grief, it can actively bring some people comfort.

Everyone lies, everyone is a liar, doesn't mean everyone lies about the big things.

Thanks. Yes I've said it appears this sort of lie happens in healthy relationships.
Yes i am now not feeling actively mad that I'm not clever enough to spot a lie.

Yeah. I might be reacting to this as I should have reacted to my ex.

I guess there's stuff to work on. Hopefully this is a blip.

Hmmm. I. Sure that might be true for some people.

@HideousKinky

I also get to delicately parcel up these models and take them to the post office

OP if it's his hobby how come you are the one who has to do this?
This would annoy me more than the lie about the money frankly - the assumption you will service his hobby by doing the admin tasks!

Just coming on to post the same comment.

I have a hobby where I buy mixed lots, keep what I want and sell the rest on. Normally covers my commission and collection costs. But the difference here is that I pack my own parcels and take them to the PO. I would stop doing that!

Did he lie or is his friend wrong about the amount?

You are making a lot of dramatic statements because of this.

This wouldn’t bother me at all, if I found out I’d probably have a little laugh to myself and wouldn’t even mention it. If I did it would be something along the lines of ‘£150 my arse’ and then we’d both laugh. I would still trust him completely.

Lying isn't black and white. It's a spectrum. Everyone lies to some degree, and just don't realise it. Pick your battles. Unless your spoiling for an argument and desperate to be right, then crack on.

As I said. I was doing it because he's away for work and it seemed a nice thing to do for my husband to save him a couple of jobs.