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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be mad at the lie?

127 replies

3scape · 21/05/2021 15:43

My DH has made an auction purchase consisting of a large number of scale models. This is fine, something he's recently got into, hobbies are great. He is very pleased they were significantly under priced. He's cleaned them up and sent off photos he's been taking to sales sites and is definitely on track to make a profit and keep some for himself. All good.

But.

He told me he spent £150. He spent more actually £340. I found out in conversation with a friend who had seen the results of the auction prices. He will still make a profit. He can spend his hobby money how he chooses.

I'm going to have to talk to him about this. He's at work until Sunday.

I am really gutted that he's lied to me in this way. If you can lie about this trivial thing I guess anything might be bullshit? Is that extreme though? Do people lie about hobby costs?

OP posts:
Original poster
3scape · 21/05/2021 16:48

I just feel I should have spotted this white lie I guess, I feel stupid that he lied to me and I didn't even notice.

OP posts:
PeteWicksSexyPirate · 21/05/2021 16:49

How did it come up in conversation with your friend what he’d spent on them?

Viviennemary · 21/05/2021 16:49

Unless you are really hard up and behind with your rent or mortgage I can't see the big deal here. Or unless he has form for buying stuff and selling at a loss

starfishmummy · 21/05/2021 16:51

Theres another possibility - that the "friend" is lying either deliberately or because they misunderstood.

Original poster
3scape · 21/05/2021 16:52

That's probably because I'm not making myself very clear. A lot of people are accusing me of aggression, because when I am angry and alone I briskly move around my house very firmly tidying and cleaning. If that is how aggressive people behave alone then I guess that's true.

OP posts:
DinaofCloud9 · 21/05/2021 16:52

Liars lie right?

You're overreacting. Everyone lies now and again. Storming round the house is way over the top and actually helps explain why he might have lied.

QueenAdreena · 21/05/2021 16:53

Agree that you’re blowing this out of proportion OP. My ex did that and as a result I told little fibs about expenditure on hobbies and clothing because I couldn’t tolerate the arsey attitude if I told the truth. Especially as it was my money, not his, so he had no right to be judgemental. I’d probably have a think about your own behaviour before laying into him about his, unless there’s some huge backstory. Your ex cheating on you isn’t just cause to give your current partner a shitty attitude just because he hasn’t told you every detail about something that doesn’t really concern you.

FrankensteinIsTheMonster · 21/05/2021 16:54

Why would this be OP's normal, traintraveller?

It's an extreme situation — she's been lied to by someone she utterly trusted, for no apparent reason, and probably feels some combo of shocked, betrayed, insulted, and hurt. She hasn't, as far as we know, damaged any property, injured anyone else, shouted at or threatened anyone. In the context of OP's relationship, this is a real breach of trust. There's no reason to think she'd be this upset by some minor trifle.

minipie · 21/05/2021 16:54

I don’t like lying either OP but in this case my bet is he was just embarrassed at how much he’d spent. Maybe he felt he’d been a mug for spending that much and didn’t want to admit to it.

I’ve done similar when asked how much I paid for stuff that really shouldn’t have cost that much…

RickJames · 21/05/2021 16:55

DH and I do this, or rather we did. We just had to have a conversation to say that neither of us needed to do it. We'd seen our parents do it and had had mean partners in the past so it seemed a natural thing to do.

We still do it a bit but then we laugh and say "okay 50€, and the rest was?" and then we say okay or pull a "what? Are you crazy?" face and it's over.

We don't lie about serious things, we can access all bank accounts, phones, bills etc at any time we want.

Original poster
3scape · 21/05/2021 16:55

The friend asked me about the one parcel that's for him, he been given first refusal, he was happily saying he was so jealous as he hadn't seen them and he couldn't believe they'd sold for only £340. It seemed very casual.

OP posts:
EKGEMS · 21/05/2021 16:56

@cupsofcoffee because she's upset and an imperfect person!

Rhiannon13 · 21/05/2021 16:56

If you react by 'slamming around the house' when your DH upsets you, it shouldn't be too difficult to work out why he lied about how much he spent.

He can spend his hobby money how he chooses. Evidently he can't.

traintraveller · 21/05/2021 16:57

frankenstein that's why I said if. You're making a fair few assumptions there yourself

MIC2689 · 21/05/2021 16:58

I completely get you being miffed that he lied about it but I think you're blowing this out of proportion. I spent over £100 on a moisturiser the other week. Told DH it was £25. Don't even think he believed me but I couldn't be arsed with the telling off about it being a waste of money haha. It doesn't mean I'm cheating on him.

Hadalifeonce · 21/05/2021 16:59

I am with you OP. I have instilled it into my DC since they were tiny, that we all make mistakes, we all do the wrong thing sometimes; I might get cross if it's something bad, but if they lie to me I will get very angry, because most things can get sorted out if I know early on.

It's the deceit I hate no matter how small.

PaperbackRider · 21/05/2021 16:59

You're coming across as over dramatic and angry and harsh...maybe he jsut feels like he can't be honest with you?

FrankensteinIsTheMonster · 21/05/2021 17:00

Yes, I know you said "if", train. That's why I didn't say you were definitively stating that this was OP's normal. And I've been careful to telegraph where I'm making assumptions in order to be able to discuss the issue, which is probably why you noticed I was doing it 🙄

ExhaustedFlamingo · 21/05/2021 17:00

I understand why you're feeling a bit miffed that he lied to you OP, but I have to say, the more you post, the more I'm beginning to understand why.

To be stomping around, declaring that you can't trust him any more and that he's made a mug out of you - while admitting that it's his money and nothing to do with you anyway is absolutely bonkers.

Maybe try seeing his point of view.....ask yourself why he fibbed? because that's what this is, just a silly fib. Nothing more. I can absolutely fib to my DP about how much craft supplies cost but there's absolutely no way I could be deceitful about something important. He tries to fib sometimes about an Xbox game - he'll say "ooh I've had that ages" and I literally just laugh at him and say "no you bloody haven't" - and he'll admit the truth. It's really not this massive deal and doesn't reflect honesty in general. I have an open and honest relationship with my DP, I could tell him anything. I could tell him how much craft supplies cost and he wouldn't bat an eyelid. The reason I don't is that I feel a bit embarrassed sometimes because I have shit loads of craft stuff but always want to buy more. It's not a reflection on him, it's about me. Maybe your DH is the same.

By all means have a conversation with him and ask him why the dishonesty - but I'd say you need to seriously consider your response and ask yourself why you were so disproportionately angry over something so very trivial.

DysmalRadius · 21/05/2021 17:00

@3scape

I don't belittle his hobby? Do I? Where on earth did you get that idea from?
Sorry - I didn't mean you, I was referring to the other posters who said they lied about how much they spent because their partner would say it was a waste of money etc. I was not clear at all though and I apologise.
ClawedButler · 21/05/2021 17:01

It is not an extreme situation ffs.

It is, at absolute worst, a white lie to avoid the tears/rage he fears will result. Maybe he forgot the figures and made something up. Maybe he meant to spend 150 but it crept up. There are a lot of reasonable assumptions to make here but to go from, "He said different numbers to someone else" straight to, "He has betrayed my trust and our relationship is ruined" with nothing in between is batshit.

Original poster
3scape · 21/05/2021 17:01

I'm not planning on laying into my husband? We don't have that sort of dynamic and I certainly don't ok violence laying into people is shocking. I will just ask how come friend said more?

OP posts:
Original poster
3scape · 21/05/2021 17:02

Thanks. Batshit. I'll just write that on my gravestone. Thank you so much Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
3scape · 21/05/2021 17:02

I've accepted apparently this is a relationship thing. Lieing about hobbies further up.

OP posts:
Vinto · 21/05/2021 17:03

Just like you've clearly got baggage from your past relationships, why don't you give him the courtesy of knowing he's got his quirks/issues too. A lot of people are letting you know on this thread that they've grown up with a hostile attitude to money and hobby spending,, either from their parents example or past relationships. When we get well into adulthood we tend to just revert to learnt behaviours, it's not always a reflection upon you and your relationship.

It seems as if one of your learned behaviours is to catastrophise.