To be mad at the lie?

[3scape]

My DH has made an auction purchase consisting of a large number of scale models. This is fine, something he's recently got into, hobbies are great. He is very pleased they were significantly under priced. He's cleaned them up and sent off photos he's been taking to sales sites and is definitely on track to make a profit and keep some for himself. All good.

But.

He told me he spent £150. He spent more actually £340. I found out in conversation with a friend who had seen the results of the auction prices. He will still make a profit. He can spend his hobby money how he chooses.

I'm going to have to talk to him about this. He's at work until Sunday.

I am really gutted that he's lied to me in this way. If you can lie about this trivial thing I guess anything might be bullshit? Is that extreme though? Do people lie about hobby costs?

I guess I am unreasonable and will have to adapt to living with a known liar. I must admit. It's going to be challenging for me.

I don't belittle his hobby? Do I? Where on earth did you get that idea from?

I lie to dh about things like clothes and another pot for the garden for example ’oh yeah, I’ve had that ages’ so it wouldn’t bother me, although I’d like to know why he’d lied.

I used to lie to my parents(even as an adult and with my own money) and with my last ex.

Because every purchase had to be justified, or I'd be made to feel stupid,reckless,wasteful etc. It was hard work and hurtful and demeaning and it was just easier to always say less.

At the beginning I used to lie to OH too, but I soon learned he honestly didn't give a shit, he trusted me and saw me as an equal so I haven't done it in years .

Yeah. I guess I thought we were equals.

@3scape

And. Yes. I'm very pissed off! I've been slamming around the house since I heard. I've calmed down post school run. Thankfully. But I can feel this grump waiting to be dealt with.

Why have you been slamming about the house like a stroppy teenager?

I understand - it's his money, you wouldn't have judged but he lied anyway - and did it so convincingly you didn't have an inkling.

My DH did something similar for his hobby. We have our own 'spending money' each month and it made no difference to me if he spent £5 or £500. I didn't ask - he volunteered the coat but told me he paid almost half of what he actually did and I only realised when his friend bought exactly the same thing and commented on the cost.

Here I explained the pointless lie annoyed me he apologised and it hasn't happened again (as far as I know).

FWIW I never tell him how much I spend on things and he never asks so it was just a stupid issue all around.

I'd ask him why he's lied and listen to what he says and then make it clear that he doesn't need to lie to you. That doesn't mean your whole relationship is a lie and he's lying About everything. If you've decided that you might as well pack up and leave now.

My guess would be he lied to the ex over these things so she didn't kick off and it's habit / he assumes the done thing.

I have a variety of craft type hobbies. My husband like it. Doesn’t care how much I spend but sometimes I lie about it. I don’t know why. Maybe I feel like I don’t need another 10 yards of fabric so need to make out it’s a bargain. I don’t know.

The point it it’s MY money, it doesn’t encroach on our family life at all. I think YABU and you sound like you are quite demanding.

The only reason I can think of is that he's scared to tell you in case you flip. Are there any sexual problems?

Yeah I wouldn't like being casually lied to by someone I'm supposed to be able to trust, either.

Meh. I lie to my husband about how much stuff costs sometimes. Like my highlights and make-up. He thinks it a pointless expense. We share money, but I make a lot more. Not that it justifies spending more, but I can do without the hassle of justifying stuff. It's lighthearted though in our house and my DH knows I lie. We tick along like that.

@3scape

Yeah. I guess I thought we were equals.

Maybe he doesn't feel that way?

Also is your friend 100% sure it's the same action and items? If there's a possibility however small that he might not be lying, I'd just tell him what your friend saw/knows and see how he reacts.

If it wasn’t joint money and he can afford it, then I might be curious to ask why he would lie about it, but I certainly wouldn’t be angry about it - or think it meant he was lying about anything else. Maybe he just got carried away at auction and then felt he’d over paid and was embarrassed- I’ve done this before when bidding on a painting I really wanted!

I also get to delicately parcel up these models and take them to the post office

OP if it's his hobby how come you are the one who has to do this?
This would annoy me more than the lie about the money frankly - the assumption you will service his hobby by doing the admin tasks!

I'm very pissed off! I've been slamming around the house since I heard. I've calmed down post school run. Thankfully. But I can feel this grump waiting to be dealt with.

If this is your normal reaction to things like this, I would lie to you too.

I was parcelling things up because he's away for work for this week. I offered because it's helpful and I have time. No other reason. But I now feel a bit sad about what I thought would be nice to help out. Maybe I should butt out

If he earns his money, and after Bills have been paid, food purchased and the rest, I see no reason why he should lie. He can buy whatever he wants. It is his money.

Maybe have a wee think about why he did this? Are you controlling over what he spends? And make sure you have your facts right before going off on one, the friend may not be correct, or might even be wanting to stir it for all you know

It's my normal reaction when I'm alone to get angry at myself and stomp about. I guess for some people being made a mug of is no big deal, but yes, it upsets me.

I literally have no control over any of his money. I only roughly know what he earns. As it should be.

I doubt the friend would want to stir. But yes. It is odd for me to trust anyone over my husband. So maybe I need to not trust the friend. I hadn't considered that.

I operate on utter honesty with my current husband or at least I thought I did. Like I said. If he can lie about this I guess he could be lieing about anything at all.
Liars lie, right? It's literally who they are
I have to wait to ask him about it, and in the meantime I also get to delicately parcel up these models and take them to the post office that may well be the tip of an alarming iceberg of lies

This seems like quite an extreme reaction to a white lie and you’re making a bit of a leap (in my opinion anyway). I’d consider this quite trivial but obviously you’re hurt by it, do you know why he’d fudge the amount he spent?
Also bare in mind your friend might have their facts wrong.

I don't mind the purchase. I can see a lot of people are getting hung up on that. They're very nice models, and he was so excited unpacking them all. Which was great. I don't have a hobby I enjoy to that extent, it was nice to see.

You're coming across as rather arsey and PA I your responses. As well as aggressively stomping about the house. If that's your normal I might have lied too.

@3scape

Ok. I'm shocked people lie about hobbies. Maybe it's a thing.

Yes it is. Some people lie about new clothes, the cost of hair do's, all sorts.

Have it out with him and impress upon him that there is no need to lie about something so trivial, however the friend who told you may not have accurate recall so give him a chance to explain.