Friends childcare

[girlmama32]

My friend and I have toddlers of similar age. I am a sahm, she works part time. Her DH works full time on nights. During the week on the days she works she relies on family members being able to look after her DC. On Fridays however nobody is available as they all work so her DH basically comes home from work and has DC all day until friend comes home, has a couple hours of sleep then goes to work.
The past few Friday mornings she has text me to say she feels terrible for going to work because DH is so tired etc like she's hinting for me to offer to take her DC.
I have suggested taking DC to a childminder but she says she doesn't want to pay for childcare (they both earn a good wage so it isn't a case of they can't afford it)
My DH has said he thinks I should offer to take her DC as I'm "not doing anything anyway" so it would be selfish of me not to and it isn't fair on her DH having to work on a couple hours of sleep. We go to a class on a Friday morning so it would mean either cancelling and my DC missing out or me taking both DC.

Aibu to not offer? I feel almost guilty for not offering but I feel like it's a big responsibility to take on and they should be looking at sorting this themselves not relying on people around them, If I was returning to work I wouldn't have put myself in that situation.

If your DH wants to look after another toddler, he’s welcome to do so. He doesn’t get to tell you that you should be. Looking after two toddlers together is really really hard.

Just say no.You know soon enough you will be left with the toddler everyday.

@JustKeep

If your DH wants to look after another toddler, he’s welcome to do so. He doesn’t get to tell you that you should be. Looking after two toddlers together is really really hard.

That was my answer to him, I suppose I'm just feeling guilty for some reason

Gosh I wouldn’t feel guilty at all! Don’t offer.

I wouldn't offer you say they have well paid jobs they can clearly afford childcare - CF alert 🚨

@JustKeep

If your DH wants to look after another toddler, he’s welcome to do so. He doesn’t get to tell you that you should be. Looking after two toddlers together is really really hard.

This was my gut reaction, too.

You're not responsible for someone else's childcare. If they want additional help, they know where to find a childminder/nursery!

It's not your problem OP and is a big commitment to make.

You've offered as a childminder, if she doesn't want to take you up on it, then that's her choice, you've given her an option.

I have to always stop myself from offering to fix things for other people, but stand firm.

I don’t think you should do this. A one-off emergency is one thing but this could easily develop into an expected regular occurrence.

You already have a commitment so you can’t easily do this anyway. I do hope your DH isn’t always so casual with your time or volunteering you to do things!

Don’t do it. Once it’s set up it becomes so difficult to stop doing it if things change and from personal experience, it can cause problems in your friendship.

So if her car broke down, would she expect a friend to fix it because she doesn’t want to pay a mechanic? That isn’t how life works.

They already have family helping them so are far more fortunate than many. This is not your problem to solve.

Sounds like your friend shouldn't work Friday anymore.

I'm with you. The fact that they can afford childcare makes me wonder why on earth they have this bonkers arrangement. It cant be fun for the LO having a half asleep parent looking after them all day

You’re not doing anything anyway? Ok so today dont do anything that you normally do.
Other than look after your child but no washing / cooking / tidying etc. Then when he comes home tell him you didn’t bother doing any of the stuff you normally do.

As for your friend. Yes they probably are hunting but just ignore it. They can pay for childcare or rearrange their shifts to cover it,

I had a friend drop huge hints for me to have her school aged child in the school holidays because I’d be at home on mat leave and her husband didn’t want to take time off. I just ignored it.

@AnnaSW1

Sounds like your friend shouldn't work Friday anymore.

Eh?

I wouldn’t do it. You’ll be stuck doing it for god knows how long.
She needs to get proper childcare in place

My DH has said he thinks I should offer to take her DC as I'm "not doing anything anyway" so it would be selfish of me not to

why doesn't your husband offer if he's so keen for her to have free childcare?

If it was a one off I’d agree but not every week and definitely not for free. Don’t even open that gate a little. If she asks outright just laugh and say, “God, no. Can you imagine looking after two toddlers all day? That would do my nut in’.

Their childcare issues are not your problem. Do not offer to mind their dc as you will no doubt find they'll be asking you to take the child on other days. If she has the neck to drop more hints suggest she researches a local crèche/childminder and don't offer to drop or collect. As for your Dh, how dare he suggest you are doing nothing. DO NOT FEEL GUILTY for not wanting to mind someone else's child.

It’s not your fault she won’t arrange to have a childminder; I wouldn’t give up my day off with my DC on a regular basis to have a friends DC. I’ll do it as a one off when friends have been stuck but when there’s an obvious solution and she just doesn’t want to spend the money then no.

The main reason I haven't offered before now is because I know she would 100% take the Mickey. She's the type that once you've done it once would just expect it so I don't really want to get into a long term commitment.
Thanks everyone, you've all just confirmed what I was already feeling about the whole situation. I gave up work to raise my own child not someone else's so I will continue to ignore and not feel guilty about it.

Your DH sounds so clueless!

And no, don’t offer - these things never end well. It is hard work and you won’t be able to do anything spontaneous with your own DC.

You see how cheeky she is to even hint? You be as cheeky as to pretend you don’t get it and change the subject!

They clearly should arrange paid childcare - or one of them could drop a day of work.

They shouldn’t expect to use you (and it would be using) just because you’re at home.

And I agree, your DH can do it if he’s so keen!

Don't feel guilty they need to sort childcare themselves and they are being tight to not pay for a childminder or nursery.

It's for them to resolve not you and your DH! Just say well your options are stop working Fridays, continue with arrangements or set up paid childcare!

This is absolutely not your problem and you should be ripping your DH a new one for suggesting it is. If they don't want to pay for childcare they need to suck it up. And if I was a SAHM and my DH thought caring for our child was 'doing nothing' I'd be fucking furious and job hunting asap. Then HE could pay for childcare.

This is silly of course she needs to have a better childcare arrangement. You will find there will be situations like this where you feel guilty because you are at home with your kids and they are not. It's just a fact of life that we don't all have the same situations but we can only be responsible for our own choices not carry the burden of our friends' choices. It's one thing to offer to maybe take the toddler every now and then if you want to but a weekly regular thing for free is too much. If your friend was destitute or I'll or something this is different but she said herself she Just doesn't want to pay!

I went part time when I had my kids and I did sometimes feel (and perhaps it was in my head) that my working friends with kids felt I could do more to support them. The guilt has never really subsided as now there are always conversations about the school runs and school holidays (i work 2 days in a school) and they have to put childcare in place but I've taken 10 years of part time salary, 10 years of interest growing on my student loan and 10 years of reduced pension. This is my choice, they made a different one, that's fine but they shouldn't make me feel guilty for not using my "free time" to look after their kids when I chose to take the massive drop in income for my family.