Friends childcare

[girlmama32]

My friend and I have toddlers of similar age. I am a sahm, she works part time. Her DH works full time on nights. During the week on the days she works she relies on family members being able to look after her DC. On Fridays however nobody is available as they all work so her DH basically comes home from work and has DC all day until friend comes home, has a couple hours of sleep then goes to work.
The past few Friday mornings she has text me to say she feels terrible for going to work because DH is so tired etc like she's hinting for me to offer to take her DC.
I have suggested taking DC to a childminder but she says she doesn't want to pay for childcare (they both earn a good wage so it isn't a case of they can't afford it)
My DH has said he thinks I should offer to take her DC as I'm "not doing anything anyway" so it would be selfish of me not to and it isn't fair on her DH having to work on a couple hours of sleep. We go to a class on a Friday morning so it would mean either cancelling and my DC missing out or me taking both DC.

Aibu to not offer? I feel almost guilty for not offering but I feel like it's a big responsibility to take on and they should be looking at sorting this themselves not relying on people around them, If I was returning to work I wouldn't have put myself in that situation.

Taking care of other people's children is difficult and stressful work. In a way, it's harder than taking care of your own child, because you know your own child well and you know where you can relax your oversight a bit because they are good at a particular thing, and where you have to be extra careful because right now they have a particular fascination with the stove or what-have-you. With someone else's child, you don't know any of these things, so you have to be extra-cautious every minute.

Also, people who want you to do childcare because they don't want to pay for childcare, do not respect your time or work. They will not be grateful for the help you are giving them because, like your husband, they think you are just going to be home anyway. If they recognised it as work, they would get a childminder, and if they could not get a childminder, they would ask you nicely, and would offer to pay you. They do not even see your help as a favor to them, because, if they did, they would ask you openly to help as a big favor (and would offer to pay). Very likely they would not reciprocate by offering to help if YOU have an emergency. But if they dislike the (free) care you provide (e.g. their child is crankier than usual after you babysit for them, or gets a small scrape, or watched more tv than they prefer, or the lunch you provided was not sufficiently nutritious according to their standards) then they will be sure to criticize you for the poor service you provided.

Don’t do it OP!
If she used childcare on Fridays and for whatever reason it wasn’t available as a one off (eg childminder sick) then fair enough offer to help but she’s doing everything she can to avoid paying, including expecting you to change your schedule! Would she be paying for food/snacks etc? As other PP have if you offer once you’ll probably find it becomes a regular arrangement! How old is the child? Just thinking they might even get funded hours at nursery!

I did this for a single parent close friend for a couple of years. She had a deadbeat ex husband, no family support and I offered.
Twenty years later and she has never forgotten. What I did made a huge difference to their lives financially. Your friend is taking the piss dropping the not so subtle hints, especially when you know they can afford it.
I think I’d be questioning that friendship but would also give my DH a rocket up his arse if he made those comments to me.

Don’t do it.

I’ve always arranged my own paid for childcare, pet care etc. No one has once ever offered to my children or pets.

But yet everyone asks me...

Nope, YANBU at all. As a one off for a friend I would, hospital appointment or a return to work meeting etc (I've done both of those for friends) but not something that could become a regular thing.

I don't think you're wrong for not offering, what drives me mad with this is the hinting!

If she wants you to watch her DC, why can she not just ask you directly? Otherwise, if you offer then I can see it very quickly becoming an obligation, but she would be telling people that you offered to take her DC.

It drives me mad when people aren't just direct about when they want - I wouldn't offer out of principle!

The hinting wouldn’t bother me-she sounds a CF and ignoring hints from CF is actually mildly amusing.

DH’s sharing his opinion that I should just spend my time providing childcare for these people would REALLY piss me off though!!

She should be paying for her own childcare. I’d probs say in around on Fridays if you ever need help but in my world that means a one for not a full on weekly commitment.

One off*

@billy1966

Oh and I would be very slow to mention emergency care to a CF.

Emergencies would be happening twice a month.

Looking after a friends child is far more stressful than looking after your own children.

This

And as a pp mentioned, she will probably end up asking you straight out. Be prepared with a reply - 'no, that wouldn't suit me'. No apologies, and don't give a reason or excuse as that will give her the chance to look for solutions. She cannot find a solution to the fact that it just doesn't suit you.

Your friend being a CF is not the problem here, you're dealing with that fine.

Your husband's attitude, on the other hand I'd be telling him, "Oh darling, you're so much more of a natural parent than me - what you describe as" doing nothing" I find very very hard work. But what's fantastic is that I don't have to do so much of it anymore - YOU can look after our child every single second you're not at work, because YOU think it's nothing! I have so many plans of what I shall use my newfound evening and weekend hours for... "

Nope, stay out of it. You have plans every Friday and if they are too tight to pay for proper childcare, that's on them, not you!

So she goes to work, gets paid, enhances her CV, and you are expected to look after her DC for nothing? No way on this earth.

Definitely don’t feel guilty especially if they can afford it but just don’t want to pay. That time is you and your DC. I now have two young DC and find it harder to get out on my own with them simply because I’m out numbered. Also it would end up becoming expected of you every week and it could feel a big commitment. Me and my DH both work but we earn a lot less than pre covid times but we still don’t rely on anyone and just see it as a necessary bill.
As for your DH I would perhaps offer to volunteer him as a babysitter on one of his days off

Absolutely don't do it. Also, as someone who has always worked full or nearly full time it's never crossed my mind to expect any of my SAHM friends to provide childcare because they're at home and I'm not - nor would I expect them to ask for some of my salary because I get it and they don't! This really isn't a normal or common arrangement, don't get guilt tripped into thinking it is.

I’m a single parent and I would never expect any of my friends to look after one or both of my children on a regular basis. I’d feel terribly guilty about asking in an emergency too. Luckily my mum helps me a lot but they are also in school/preschool. I work and childcare is 100% my responsibility to sort around my hours. As a result I have little sympathy for couples earning good salaries not arranging childcare appropriately. If one person can do it on their own, so can a couple earning decent salaries. If they were broke and couldn’t afford it I’d feel differently. I can’t understand why her exhausted DH looking after a demanding toddler all day is preferable to them paying for childcare, particularly as money isn’t an issue for them.

And your husband needs a wake up call. I’d be more worried about him tbh! Has he ever looked after your DC all day? If not, I’d recommend suggesting him take some alone time with DC. Don’t you have that spa day/day trip with your friends coming up soon?

No sympathy for their stupid set up. We choose not to put our littlest in nursery and i work nightshift. There is absolutely no way I would do my shifts back to back unless I had childcare in-between. I wouldn't be safe to drive to work never mind practice. I do have the kids at home if I've just finished my nights but its grim.

Do not encourage their stupidity and greed for not paying for childcare.

I think you know what we are all going to say here on AIBU this fine Friday.

CF! CF! CF!

If they would like some childcare they will need to do what everyone else does and pay for it.

Stick to your guns.

@aloris

Taking care of other people's children is difficult and stressful work. In a way, it's harder than taking care of your own child, because you know your own child well and you know where you can relax your oversight a bit because they are good at a particular thing, and where you have to be extra careful because right now they have a particular fascination with the stove or what-have-you. With someone else's child, you don't know any of these things, so you have to be extra-cautious every minute.

Also, people who want you to do childcare because they don't want to pay for childcare, do not respect your time or work. They will not be grateful for the help you are giving them because, like your husband, they think you are just going to be home anyway. If they recognised it as work, they would get a childminder, and if they could not get a childminder, they would ask you nicely, and would offer to pay you. They do not even see your help as a favor to them, because, if they did, they would ask you openly to help as a big favor (and would offer to pay). Very likely they would not reciprocate by offering to help if YOU have an emergency. But if they dislike the (free) care you provide (e.g. their child is crankier than usual after you babysit for them, or gets a small scrape, or watched more tv than they prefer, or the lunch you provided was not sufficiently nutritious according to their standards) then they will be sure to criticize you for the poor service you provided.

This is so true and was the basis of one story where a CF "had a word" with her friend about the lunches she was doing and could she vary it a bit more🙄🤣.

That ended that arrangement🤣

People who are so entitled to ask for big favours but don't believe them to be, are the first to pass a remark about the "service" they are NOT paying for.

Being as old as I am I've heard some cracking anecdotal stories....they always provided huge entertainment for the audience being told.

They ended when my youngest was 12 but funnily enough sports and late night pick ups have also provided a few.

The other thing is the mother with 3 or 4 kids being asked to do something for someone, as in would you even really notice an extra child🙄🤣...tremendously entertaining ...once it's not you.

I love a good CF thread.

YA definitely NBU

Well obviously stick to your guns, and every time she hints reply with a version of "Have you thought about booking a day/morning with a childminder so your dh doesn't have to face this each week? Seems the obvious solution." If she replies that he doesn't want to pay out "Well then he can't be finding it that tiring!" They have a choice.

Bigger issue is your dhs idea that you aren't doing anything. Does he not respect childcare then? When you worked in childcare, did he not view that as a real job? Id be having words about that.

This is one of those doors that should never be opened. Like Pandora's box.

I would be more concerned that your DH thinks you do nothing while you're at home caring for your own child. Perhaps he ought to try it?