Friends childcare

[girlmama32]

My friend and I have toddlers of similar age. I am a sahm, she works part time. Her DH works full time on nights. During the week on the days she works she relies on family members being able to look after her DC. On Fridays however nobody is available as they all work so her DH basically comes home from work and has DC all day until friend comes home, has a couple hours of sleep then goes to work.
The past few Friday mornings she has text me to say she feels terrible for going to work because DH is so tired etc like she's hinting for me to offer to take her DC.
I have suggested taking DC to a childminder but she says she doesn't want to pay for childcare (they both earn a good wage so it isn't a case of they can't afford it)
My DH has said he thinks I should offer to take her DC as I'm "not doing anything anyway" so it would be selfish of me not to and it isn't fair on her DH having to work on a couple hours of sleep. We go to a class on a Friday morning so it would mean either cancelling and my DC missing out or me taking both DC.

Aibu to not offer? I feel almost guilty for not offering but I feel like it's a big responsibility to take on and they should be looking at sorting this themselves not relying on people around them, If I was returning to work I wouldn't have put myself in that situation.

This friend is being very cheeky and you’re right to say no. They’re well able to pay for childcare themselves.

@Giantrooster

Well you've dealt brilliantly with one CF, now on to the next more important one... your dh. Invite a couple of toddlers on play dates all week-end for him to mind. It will soon teach him 'not doing much' minding dc.

Oh don't worry, I have a weekend away booked with my sister in a couple of weeks so we'll see how he fares the weekend. I don't think he'll be as quick to comment after that

Definitely not. You’re a SAHM for your own child not others. Might be different if there was a reciprocal agreement for childcare but no. If you wanted to mind other children you’d register as a childminder and get paid!

Oh please invite CF friend's dc and could you please post pics of your dh before and after 😂.

I can see you've already said no but just in case you waver...

One of my friends got sucked into this by a CF friend. Every Wednesday after school for a couple of hours as CF worked late Wednesdays.

My friend had to have surgery so told CF that she wouldn't be available for a couple of weeks. Her DM would be having her DC for her. CF then asked why friend's DM couldn't have her daughter too. Err no!

You are not a registered childminder with the resources & experience to deal with several children.

You don't have insurance to cover you if something went wrong - what would happen if you were out & their child was injured?
Why should you incur the cost of feeding their child one day a week & paying for anywhere you go?

Don't do it you - it will only lead to grief & resentment.

100% no, they are just being tight not paying childcare. Enjoy the time with your kids

OP your DH is probably like me and sees the easy people-pleasing solution without thinking. I was always offering DP's day off to anyone who needed help with anything from DIY/decorating/taxi services/childcare, etc .
Their childcare is not your problem to solve, keep up your class for you.

OP,
As your husband clearly has no idea what is involved minding his child on his own, I strongly suggest you don't kill yourself prepping meals etc. for while you are away.

Give him the FULL toddler experience.

Walk out the door and leave him to it.

Maybe he'll find a bit courtesy and appreciation for what YOU do.

Of course YANBU.
Great answer to the text (on P4).
They are being ridiculous trying to manage without childcare when she is out at work and he needs to sleep. It is part of life as a working parent that you arrange childcare.

Helping out in a one off emergency is a completely different scenario, or even for a one off occasion (say they got invited to a wedding one weekend or something). That is very different from them just trying to avoid getting childcare.

She needs a new job that fits in with her life.

Brilliant response OP. I work longer PT hours then a friend who convinced me to look after her DS when she was working a few days so she could save money. He was awful, ruined my time with my DS. I had to say no more, but because he is her precious angel can do no wrong I had to say I just couldn't cope with two young ones. I have an older one too. Glad you kept away from this situation!

I got stuck in an arrangement similar once , same thing 2 parents both earning but never factored in childcare when the mother returned to work . Well paying jobs . I am sahm so I got roped in first for one day a week then 3 days . My own kids hated it because it meant I couldn't do things with them . I did it for months but then I had to give up for my own sanity .

Good for you for having boundaries and sticking to them.

I'm a sahm and sometimes get asked for help with childcare. I always help out my friends where I can but tend to offer first based on circumstances. I'm not that keen when asked because it always feels like I'm part of their overall plan rather then emergency stop gap. MN has been hugely helpful in reminding me of boundaries and highlighting CFs. A neighbour who I don't know very well asked me to look after her child for 3 weeks when they first started school. 'We don't have anyone else' was bandied about. What she really meant was that her partner didn't want to take time off work until her new hours allowed for pick up. Still amazes me that they even asked. Clearly that wasn't happening.

The names your husband is being called on this thread are unnecessary.

Don't offer op. Be ready with an answer in case she catches you off guard.

A friend of mine applied for a full time job and we were talking about childcare, as at the moment her mum does it but my friend only works part time, as do I but I'm VERY part time. With covid etc the place she was applying to isn't doing holiday clubs at the moment. Also, her mum is not young.
I have my grandchildren quite a lot in the holidays, some because I want to, some because I have to to help so their parents can work.
She said in a joking way "oh you can have him!" I'm sure she was joking so I laughed and said no.

Don't do it. They can afford childcare and are choosing not to. That's up to them 🤷🏻‍♀️

@masterofthechef

OP your DH is probably like me and sees the easy people-pleasing solution without thinking. I was always offering DP's day off to anyone who needed help with anything from DIY/decorating/taxi services/childcare, etc . Their childcare is not your problem to solve, keep up your class for you.

Why did you do that?!

No, no, no don't do it!!