Friends childcare

[girlmama32]

My friend and I have toddlers of similar age. I am a sahm, she works part time. Her DH works full time on nights. During the week on the days she works she relies on family members being able to look after her DC. On Fridays however nobody is available as they all work so her DH basically comes home from work and has DC all day until friend comes home, has a couple hours of sleep then goes to work.
The past few Friday mornings she has text me to say she feels terrible for going to work because DH is so tired etc like she's hinting for me to offer to take her DC.
I have suggested taking DC to a childminder but she says she doesn't want to pay for childcare (they both earn a good wage so it isn't a case of they can't afford it)
My DH has said he thinks I should offer to take her DC as I'm "not doing anything anyway" so it would be selfish of me not to and it isn't fair on her DH having to work on a couple hours of sleep. We go to a class on a Friday morning so it would mean either cancelling and my DC missing out or me taking both DC.

Aibu to not offer? I feel almost guilty for not offering but I feel like it's a big responsibility to take on and they should be looking at sorting this themselves not relying on people around them, If I was returning to work I wouldn't have put myself in that situation.

She has started fishing and priming you with guilt before she asks you. She said he doesn’t want to pay for childcare because she’s used to relying on others for free childcare. Don’t offer and if she asks say you can’t - you don’t need to give a reason.

Do not offer. NO. You don't want to, it'll become a right PITA and if you need to change plans you'll get guilt tripped.

More fool your friend for not having proper childcare provision in place. It’s not fair for your dh to suggest you look after them! She will still have to find childcare when you want to go away or are ill etc. I work a 12 hour night and then come home and stay awake to look after my 1 year old. It’s tough but it has to be done.

Your friend is a cheeky fucker.

Your husbands comments would have really upset me though in your shoes. You dont do anything anyway? So your role in your house of looking after a toddler is easy? And contributing nothing? If it's so fucking easy maybe he should volunteer to take your friends child sometimes. Maybe on the Saturday so the dad can catch up on sleep

Start rehearsing your unapologetic "hell no" because when she realises the hinting won't work, she might ask outright.

@Feelingconfused2020

This is silly of course she needs to have a better childcare arrangement. You will find there will be situations like this where you feel guilty because you are at home with your kids and they are not. It's just a fact of life that we don't all have the same situations but we can only be responsible for our own choices not carry the burden of our friends' choices. It's one thing to offer to maybe take the toddler every now and then if you want to but a weekly regular thing for free is too much. If your friend was destitute or I'll or something this is different but she said herself she Just doesn't want to pay!

I went part time when I had my kids and I did sometimes feel (and perhaps it was in my head) that my working friends with kids felt I could do more to support them. The guilt has never really subsided as now there are always conversations about the school runs and school holidays (i work 2 days in a school) and they have to put childcare in place but I've taken 10 years of part time salary, 10 years of interest growing on my student loan and 10 years of reduced pension. This is my choice, they made a different one, that's fine but they shouldn't make me feel guilty for not using my "free time" to look after their kids when I chose to take the massive drop in income for my family.

Thankyou for this, I can 100% relate. The guilt can really eat you up sometimes! I just need to remember that she makes the decision to go back to work so it isn't my issue.

@girlmama32

The main reason I haven't offered before now is because I know she would 100% take the Mickey. She's the type that once you've done it once would just expect it so I don't really want to get into a long term commitment. Thanks everyone, you've all just confirmed what I was already feeling about the whole situation. I gave up work to raise my own child not someone else's so I will continue to ignore and not feel guilty about it.

Why do you stay friends with someone like this? Seriously, I'm in my 50s now and I wish I'd just cut loose people like her long ago, just let it drift. It's not a friendship. People like this target people like you because most people wouldn't feel any guilt about not offering her free bloody childcare (why should they?) and her PA hints would be like water on a duck's back.

Your friend lost any sympathy from me when you said they could easily afford childcare but don't want to pay for it.

Yes she is hinting and yes she is a CF! I'd have more sympathy if she was hard up and desperate but that's clearly not the case. And your H needs to butt out!

I would help in an emergency. I’ve even taken leave from work to help someone with a child care emergency because the situation was so serious (emergency medical). Agreeing to be regular child care because they can’t be bothered to make proper arrangements is entirely different. This is all on them.

Any time she messages about it you need to reply referencing the paid childcare she could have in place like
Her - poor OH is so tired today! Think he’s going to struggle with the toddler all day.
You- oh dear! Sounds like time to get in touch with that childminder I mentioned.

@DrinkFeckArseBrick

Your friend is a cheeky fucker.

Your husbands comments would have really upset me though in your shoes. You dont do anything anyway? So your role in your house of looking after a toddler is easy? And contributing nothing? If it's so fucking easy maybe he should volunteer to take your friends child sometimes. Maybe on the Saturday so the dad can catch up on sleep

DH seems to think because I have over 10 years experience in childcare looking after our own should be a piece of cake. I probably find it slightly easier than most because of this but that doesn't mean I should open my home to everyone else's DC. It's caused a few arguments in the past but that's another story!

Don't do it!!! You will regret it. Take it from someone who has been there. You and your husband did not make the decision to have you stay at home to facilitate other people's childcare needs. You are home for your children only.

@osbertthesyrianhamster we've been friends since starting school so over 20 years ago now so I suppose I'm just used to it, I just don't usually give her to opportunity to take the Mickey cos I know what she like

Now that my DC is 3, there are some other children I'd consider doing this for because it would make my life easier. One or two of his little friends come over, are very sensible and chilled, the two of them just gel and play nicely together and the two mums have nothing to do but drink coffee as the kids amuse each other. Most toddlers aren't like this and require close supervision and help interacting to play safely together. So there's no way I would want an extra one of those one day a week... I'd worry about taking them to the park or playground and how I was going to keep both children safe. I know my own DC and his capabilities, I'm less certain about other children so it would be stressful.

@Castlepeak

I would help in an emergency. I’ve even taken leave from work to help someone with a child care emergency because the situation was so serious (emergency medical). Agreeing to be regular child care because they can’t be bothered to make proper arrangements is entirely different. This is all on them.

Oh definitely I would never say no in an emergency but I'm certain they would expect this to become weekly which is why I haven't offered

[quote girlmama32]@osbertthesyrianhamster we've been friends since starting school so over 20 years ago now so I suppose I'm just used to it, I just don't usually give her to opportunity to take the Mickey cos I know what she like [/quote]
You don't have to put up with her just because you've known her a long time. She's passive aggressively guilt tripping you and you're feeling guilt. Let that be a red flag to you. As for your h, yeah, right. Sounds like he doesn't have much respect for you and what you do.

YANBU. It is exhausting looking after someone else's child, even if the child is well behaved. And of course you shouldn't cancel the class you take your own DC to each week.

If it was a one off emergency, or even a set number of times until a spot opened up at nursery or something, I would probably help an old friend out with childcare, but for anything more, I would sympathise with your friend and ask if she's had any luck finding a professional childminder / nursery.

Absolutely fucking not. Apart from it being bloody cheeky, it's not practical at all.

What if your child is sick? What if her child is sick? What if you want to leave Friday morning for a long weekend trip? What if you get invited to see an old friend on a Friday? What if the children start biting each other? Or she keeps sending him over sick?

You don't want to be tethered like that.

What is the monetary value of one day of childcare every week for a year? Thousands. Would you donate thousands of dollars from your family to hers just because she asked?

Has she done an absolutely incredible favour for you lately?

@AnnaSW1

Sounds like your friend shouldn't work Friday anymore.

I agree.

I have a friend who worked nights, she had a couple of hours sleep when she finished at 5am before her DH went to work. She then looked after DC until her DH came home to take over so she could have another couple of hours before going out to work.
At no point did she expect anyone else to look after the DC so she could sleep. They couldn’t afford childcare. She worked the hours she did because they were struggling.

@SoThisisMe

This is absolutely not your problem and you should be ripping your DH a new one for suggesting it is. If they don't want to pay for childcare they need to suck it up. And if I was a SAHM and my DH thought caring for our child was 'doing nothing' I'd be fucking furious and job hunting asap. Then HE could pay for childcare.

I so agree with this.

Your friend is a CF.
And you married one.

Is your husband really dim?

Because I honestly can't imagine the stupidity of him saying those words out loud.

Does he ever look after his OWN toddler?
He needs to.

I do not EVER believe in mixing friends and childcare favours.

It's amazing how quickly the "favour" is forgotten by those who ask for it.

I have heard so many stories over the years of people getting burned.

You did NOT give up your job to offer free childcare to a CF.

As for the tit you married.
Nip that in the bud....ruthlessly.

Oh and I would be very slow to mention emergency care to a CF.

Emergencies would be happening twice a month.

Looking after a friends child is far more stressful than looking after your own children.

Your friend sounds ridiculous- and why is your DH even getting involved in the discussions?

When I was a SAHM I did provide unofficial childcare for a friend - but it was entirely on my terms, my DS is an only DC so it was useful to have another DC around so they could play together ... it was before school for just half an hour and they got on the school bus together outside my front door (it was just 3 days per week and no holiday cover). And my friend was very generous at having my DS for sleepovers or days when she was off work so I got a proper break. It was an arrangement that suited us both and I didn't feel taken advantage of.

Your DH is happy for your household to take the financial hit of one salary and thinks it’s fine that their household gets two salaries because you can just provide free childcare for them?!

What’s he on?!! Maybe she can swap the working day to Saturday and he can have their kids on his own as well as yours.

When I first joined MN four or five years ago I read a thread from a woman who had just recently retired. A couple she had some connection to was expecting a baby and asked her to be the child's godmother, which she agreed to for some reason.

The baby is born and as the end of maternity leave approaches, the baby's mum contacts her to set up full time childcare for the baby, five days a week, as she will be going back to work. What the actual hell? The couple assumed that the retired woman would be thrilled to provide full-time childcare as she had nothing else to do, and was the child's godmother.

Much drama ensued and it became obvious that the only reason they asked her to be the godmother was to guilt her into providing free childcare. Apparently, the husband had quite a high income but simply didn't see why he should pay for childcare. To her credit, she refused.

It was quite a thread and a fitting introduction to CF's and Mumsnet.