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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends childcare

119 replies

girlmama32 · 21/05/2021 13:52

My friend and I have toddlers of similar age. I am a sahm, she works part time. Her DH works full time on nights. During the week on the days she works she relies on family members being able to look after her DC. On Fridays however nobody is available as they all work so her DH basically comes home from work and has DC all day until friend comes home, has a couple hours of sleep then goes to work.
The past few Friday mornings she has text me to say she feels terrible for going to work because DH is so tired etc like she's hinting for me to offer to take her DC.
I have suggested taking DC to a childminder but she says she doesn't want to pay for childcare (they both earn a good wage so it isn't a case of they can't afford it)
My DH has said he thinks I should offer to take her DC as I'm "not doing anything anyway" so it would be selfish of me not to and it isn't fair on her DH having to work on a couple hours of sleep. We go to a class on a Friday morning so it would mean either cancelling and my DC missing out or me taking both DC.

Aibu to not offer? I feel almost guilty for not offering but I feel like it's a big responsibility to take on and they should be looking at sorting this themselves not relying on people around them, If I was returning to work I wouldn't have put myself in that situation.

OP posts:
MiddleClassProblem · 21/05/2021 16:59

Disciplining someone else’s kid, dealing with leaks etc

Nah.

mainsfed · 21/05/2021 17:02

This thread is so satisfying because the CF has been blocked at her first attempt!

JamieFrasersAuntie · 21/05/2021 17:17

My DH has said he thinks I should offer to take her DC as I'm "not doing anything anyway" so it would be selfish of me not to and it isn't fair on her DH having to work on a couple hours of sleep. We go to a class on a Friday morning so it would mean either cancelling and my DC missing out or me taking both DC

This attitude from your Dh needs addressing because it's really really bad.

Ask him why he thinks it's your job to provide free labour for this man.Ask him why you should be concerned about his lack of sleep or why you should work for him for free so he can save his money. If he's that bothered he can get involved himself.

I'd be absolutely furious at him and I'd be telling him in no uncertain terms not to ever talk to me like that again.

Beautiful3 · 21/05/2021 17:21

I am a sahm too. Its amazing how many mums try it on, because you're not working. You are working its just that you don't get paid for it! Ignore her and don't offer, otherwise going to be all of the time. Looking after 2 toddlers is not fun! They can afford childcare, so should pay for it. If you step in, it will always be expected of you. Dont listen to your husband, he's not the one doing it.

AnnaSW1 · 21/05/2021 18:04

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz which bit don't you understand? The friend has no childcare for Fridays so shouldn't work Fridays.

billy1966 · 21/05/2021 18:04

At least the OP knows what her husband really thinks of her and her contribution to the family.

MargosKaftan · 21/05/2021 18:09

Well she does have childcare for Fridays- the other parent isn't at work. But he wants to be able to sleep before going on a night shift. So he needs childcare so he can sleep. Either he pays for childcare so he has a break, or perhaps doesn't work either Thursday or Friday nights.

If one parent is working and the other is not, the default position in most normal families is that caring for the dcs is the non working parent's responsibility, either themselves or sort out alternative childcare (paid or not).

Given its only 1 day a week until the dc is school aged, and they can afford childcare, I would presume he can cope if he isn't interested in arranging childcare.

MargosKaftan · 21/05/2021 18:11

Everyone understands that childcare has a value when it's paid for.

Penistoe · 21/05/2021 18:11

No way would I do this. Your DH is a sexist pig.

KarmaStar · 21/05/2021 20:31

Don't feel guilty but if you wanted to you could offer to have her dc for £x amount payment.to expect you to do it for free is cheeky.
Having worked nights I don't know how her dh is coping,they need to sort something out and soon.

LolaSmiles · 21/05/2021 20:36

I'd help out a non-CF friend if they were struggling for a couple of days, but in your situation I'd not consider it. They sound like chancers and you'd find yourself sucked into doing it every Friday. Mornings would quickly become collecting after lunch, followed by mid afternoon because they weren't sure if they'd be interrupting lunch, and before you know it you lose a whole day.

LibrariesGiveUsPower45321 · 21/05/2021 20:43

She has 3 choices:

Keep it the way it is
Pay childcare
One of them drops a days work

Totally her choice. We all have to make these choices as parents. Passing the child off to random friends is beyond cheeky.

Original poster
girlmama32 · 21/05/2021 21:15

Thanks everyone.
She sent me a message again earlier saying DC hadn't napped all day and that DH is just exhausted. I messaged back "oh what a shame, looks like you'll be looking for that childminder after all then!"
I've not had a reply so I'm assuming she's took the hint.

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 21/05/2021 21:17

[quote AnnaSW1]@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz which bit don't you understand? The friend has no childcare for Fridays so shouldn't work Fridays. [/quote]
The friend and her husband dont have childcare for fridays. Why her? Why wasnt your comment "one of them needs to stop working fridays?"

Classic, ingrained, sexism.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 21/05/2021 21:18

@girlmama32

Thanks everyone. She sent me a message again earlier saying DC hadn't napped all day and that DH is just exhausted. I messaged back "oh what a shame, looks like you'll be looking for that childminder after all then!" I've not had a reply so I'm assuming she's took the hint.
That was a really good response.
mynameisbrian · 21/05/2021 21:23

Your DH doesnt seem to appreciate the sacrifices you have made for the family by leaving the workforce and becoming a SAHM. His comment that your doing 'nothing' anyway is very insulting. Is he feeling aggrieved and being responsible for the family finances?

AnnaSW1 · 21/05/2021 21:24

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz He already doesn't work Fridays he works Thursday nights GrinGrin.. move along you missed the point and the logic.

mynameisbrian · 21/05/2021 21:26

Anyway I hate people like that, they have made choices as a family and expect others to facilitate there choices. Leave them to get on with it. There is no way I would take on the responsibility of having someone elses DC every week. What happens when you want to go away, go on holiday or you dont feel well. It is a big responsibility

Volcanoexplorer · 21/05/2021 21:27

Definitely stand your ground and do not agree to this. You’ll almost certainly end up being expected to do it every week. You’ll just become their childcare solution. Toddlers are exhausting and having 2 of them together is more than twice the work. If it was a one off emergency, fine. But this isn’t. It’s not your problem that they won’t sort out proper childcare, which is exactly what they need to do - like everyone else.

bigbaggyeyes · 21/05/2021 21:30

The problem is with people like your friend is she's only seeing what she wants to. She sees a friend who doesn't work, and could take her dc to 'help out' whilst her and her dh works. What she fails to realise is that the stay at home family has taken a 50% drop in salary, and goes without certain things to allow them to stay at home. Whilst the cf has the benefit of 2 wages coming in. A drawback of that is, she has to arrange childcare. Not a lot of people can have both, work ft with free childcare

I'm glad you didn't offer op, it's not your place to facilitate her working arrangements. Especially if they can afford childcare

crikeycrumbsblimey · 21/05/2021 21:31

She doesn’t want to pay for childcare? Obviously the rest of us love paying for it....

Does she go into a restaurant and say she doesn’t want to pay and expect someone else to provide it for free?

MargosKaftan · 21/05/2021 21:33

That sounds like a great response! They have options. They can chose from the options available to them. Free childcare on a Friday is not one of those options.

Everyone else manages to grasp this.

Mumoftwo2021 · 21/05/2021 21:35

It’s not your child, therefore not your responsibility.
If you are a SAHM that is to support your situation nobody else’s.
Don’t feel guilty xx

Giantrooster · 21/05/2021 21:37

Well you've dealt brilliantly with one CF, now on to the next more important one... your dh. Invite a couple of toddlers on play dates all week-end for him to mind. It will soon teach him 'not doing much' minding dc.

1FootInTheRave · 21/05/2021 21:37

Cheeky twats.

My best pal is a sahm. Never would I dream of tapping her up for childcare.

So bloody rude and presumptuous.

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