Financial situation of in laws

[isthisgreedyofme]

I am writing this to vent and to try to get my head around it.

Been happily married to DH for 15 years, we're in our 40s. Like a lot of people our age, we are doing just about OK for money. Keeping up with the mortgage, childcare costs, etc. is a struggle to be honest, but we scrimp and save, make do, and keep our heads above water. DH has a sort of slightly above averagely paid job; I don't earn enough to pay tax (I run my own business and though I work really hard, it's not going at all well over the pandemic, but that's another story).

Over the years, our in laws have more or less a succession of large presents from us. Things like weekends away at expensive historic properties to celebrate landmark birthdays, large presents, parties etc. We've have had to scrimp and save to do this, and the effort involved hasn't always been appreciated (my MIL complained that the very nice cottage we'd let for her 70th birthday wasn't grand enough). The effort isn't reciprocated - they don't do the same back for us. We also do a lot to help them out in practical terms, which again is not reciprocated.

What is more, they are downright tight in their attitude to money on a more everyday basis, asking us to pay for meals out, drinks, and never donating to charity or good causes. They never give anything that they own away, unless it's broken or junk and more or less worthless, even though their houses is over-full of valuable belongings (there are literally things piled on things in every room to the point that it borders on hoarding).

I've always assumed they were asset-rich but money-poor and been willing to make sacrifices to ensure they have a good time. But I've recently found out that this is not true and that they are actually cash millionnaires. They have over £1.1 million in the bank in ISA-type investments (they are very risk averse), they own a £500k house, and another bungalow without a mortgage. They also have very generous pensions, especially considering that they both gave up work in their 40s plus income from their second house, which they let. Altogether, they have far more coming in than we do, plus this immense cash reserve as a safety net.

This has come out becuase we have been dealing with solicitors recently due to a legal issue they have and the solicitor told them that they might want to consider estate planning to reduce inheritance tax. They said right in front of us that they don't want to do this because they don't know how much they will need for care costs, and they come first. They didn't even stop to think about us, or about BIL (who is financially in a similat position to us). They have form for this - they are very, very self-centred.

AIBU to think they are just really mean? Or am I being grabby in thinking that?

Well the typical MN attitude is that they don’t owe you anything but I agree with you OP.
They sound grabby and I would just stop doing any effort for them.
Treat them like they treat you and if they complain, point out what a cheapskates they are themselves. Save your money and spend it on yourselves.

I understand them wanting to preserve their assets at the moment for potential care costs, but they’re bloody rude to be snotty about nice presents you’ve given them. I would stop with the extravagant presents, especially if you have to tighten your belts to afford them. Even if they gripe it’s no skin off your nose since they gripe about the presents anyway!

You don’t give a gift to receive the same in return. If it makes you so unhappy to scrimp and save to give these gifts then stop.

The issue isn't the gifts. What really hurts is that I feel used. They just don't give a shit about us.

I would stop being such a mug buying presents for them they don't appreciate. They sound mean and selfish.

Wow! I would have stopped the lavish gifts after MIL first shitty comment.

Yes, they do need to consider their own care costs but would it really run in to millions? I think its time to just step back from them a bit.

From my own experience, my parents wouldn't have seen me struggle whilst sitting on that amount of cash but not everyone thinks the same way.

You can't expect them to give you their care home money (what used to be known as a "nest egg"). They may think that you and DH are better off than you are. I personally don't give gifts I can't afford, and I advise you to follow that policy from now on in particular with respect to your in-laws. Actually as she's so rude mil wouldn't be getting anything from me in future! Nor significant funds from the household pot.

In my family there is an expectation that money flows down the generations (although none of my grandparents or great grandparents had any money, so it is an expectation established by my parents!) I'd support 'niblings' but not wealthy retired people. My parents have never expected us to pay, although we have over the years treated them to meals out and events, it has been through free will, not guilt tripping.

That’s terrible OP. I can’t imagine watching my child and his partner scrimp and save when I had so much in the bank. So mean.

Well, it's their money and they can do what they like with it....

But, stop with the expensive gifts and running around after them. They don't appreciate it or you and it just makes you resentful!

If they need care then the money is there to pay for it, if they don't then you and the taxman get a windfall...

The gifting sounds ridiculous as you cannot afford it and they are very ungracious about it which makes it feel like an extra kick in the teeth

Their financial situation is theirs to deal with - your DH should make it clear that meals out etc are off the table if again you’re having to pay out and you resent / can’t afford it

They sound very stuck - hoarding money and items since their forties for a rainy day. now is the time for them to sort out their finances to reduce their liabilities and have enough for their care - maybe this is What they’re trying to so by hanging on to their cash?

They're rude, inconsiderate people and stop buying them gifts which you can't afford.
Unfortunately what they do with their own money is up to them.

Yes, they sound mean in the old-fashioned tight-fisted sense of the word.

It also sounds alike they are better at saving money than spending it, which is a little naive of them.

And also downright rude about presents and holidays that are in tour budget but not grand enough for them when they don’t offer to contribute.

It's not selfish to consider the cost for care. It's sensible. You seem to be saying they should give you money in advance of inheritance . For what? You are well enough off. It's a choice in life to run a lifestyle business rather than work on ways to improve your own earning capacity.

It's your dh business what he buys his parents. It shouldn't be tit for tat. You clearly begrudge these gifts. Perhaps you have a different attitude to gifts on your side of the family.

It sounds to me as if you have quite a nest egg in the future when they do die so I wouldn't begrudge them gifts now.

Regular meals out and drinks are a different matter. If they are freeloading there then the solution to all of this and the gifts too is to make a budget. Then you can legitimately say sorry but this is our share, or with gifts say that you will be following their lead and downsizing gifts from now on.

I think they’re very selfish to accept expensive gifts from you when they must know that it’s a struggle. I also think it’s sad that they don’t want to share their wealth even just in terms of paying for meals out etc.
I completely get the argument that it’s their money and they can do what they want but neither my or DHs families work like that; both our parents have helped out (we’ve never asked) but they’ll do things like buy us a tumble dryer to help out

Definitely stop with the presents.

If I paid for a holiday cottage for someone's birthday and they moaned about it they would just get a card the following year!

Their savings and the inheritance is a separate issue that is entirely up to them though.

I think what I'm realising is that this changes everything between us emotionally. I feel certain now that they don't love us or care about us, if they did they would not be asking us to pay for everything when they have so much themselves. (And yes, you are all correct - it will be small gifts in future). They can easily afford to buy in the help we've been giving them around the house and garden, and with administration, in future, so I will be spending that time and effort on my own family, who are much nicer people.

It's their money , they can choose what they do with it equally you have your money that you choose to buy gifts for them , stop giving them lavish gifts . Spend that money on yourselves and thank the Lord that they have loads of cash to pay for carers in their old age .

Honestly, I would just stop spending money on gifts and holidays for their benefit. They obviously aren’t grateful at all.

What I am bemused by is that you have been buying them lavish gifts that you can only just afford. Why would you even do that? It seems that that was a cross that you decided to bear - nobody made you do it, and I don't see why you did (unless you thought that there might be some personal benefit to you out of doing it, which is kind of shallow but at least it would make sense).

You obviously don't like them anyway - and that is perhaps with good reason - but if that is the case, why make so much effort? You can maintain friendly relations without buying expensive gifts you can't afford, or doing quite so much for them.

Past that it is their money, it is up to them how they spend it or where it goes in the future. And "estate planning" in this context is really about how easily you can get away with protecting your assets to that taxpayers have to pay for any care needs you have. I would totally agree with them that using their own money to buy the best standards of care that they might need is exactly what they should do. If it's selfish to want to potentially use your own money to buy the best possible care for yourself and the most comfort at a point when you cannot manage for yourself, then I am in favour of more people being selfish.

Are your ILs my ILs? I learned early on to sit quietly at a restaurant until FIL had no choice but to get his wallet out.

Gifts to us would all be under £10 while they were in their giant house.

They reaped what they sowed as none of their children are enthusiastic about spending time them. And the money wasn't even properly invested, they could have had far more. They were tight rather than clever about money.

At this age it should be equal between parent and child. They should be paying as much for dinners as you should. I know that’s not the main point but it would stick in my craw always having to pay.

No, you don’t sound greedy. They do to be honest. Imagine complaining that a rental for your birthday wasn’t good enough. I’d be keen to spoil my children if I could. Don’t be so generous from now on, they’re using you.

We would never buy extravagant presents apart from Big birthdays or anniversaries. So not quite sure why you would be doing this on a regular basis, which has caused you hardship.
But you are where you are. I would feel a bit miffed in your shoes, it does seem that, even unknowingly, or not thinking, they have led you to believe their financial position isn't what it is. They don't actually sound very financially astute, not listening to their FA. Obviously you don't say how old they are but it sounds almost like 'cash' is what they like to see.
I would certainly stop buying gifts you cannot really afford. It's difficult to say more, because essentially they aren't doing anything underhand or wrong. But I would be thinking less of them.

The more I read your replies, the more I agree with you. It IS their money. It is absolutely their choice what they do with it.

But also: it's my time and labour here, spend doing gardening, helping with form-filling, doing admin that takes literally days on end (we are currently on a visit where DH has spent literally 3 days of his annual leave trying to straighten out their affairs because they are too busy playing and enjoying themselves with friends to get down to being organised so we have to step in). They can absolutely pay for professionals to come in and do all this in future.

They are tight and sounds like they would rather have things for free from family than use their own money. Step back, if they need jobs doing they can pay someone and reduce the gifts and meals. Will your do dh this?