I am writing this to vent and to try to get my head around it.
Been happily married to DH for 15 years, we're in our 40s. Like a lot of people our age, we are doing just about OK for money. Keeping up with the mortgage, childcare costs, etc. is a struggle to be honest, but we scrimp and save, make do, and keep our heads above water. DH has a sort of slightly above averagely paid job; I don't earn enough to pay tax (I run my own business and though I work really hard, it's not going at all well over the pandemic, but that's another story).
Over the years, our in laws have more or less a succession of large presents from us. Things like weekends away at expensive historic properties to celebrate landmark birthdays, large presents, parties etc. We've have had to scrimp and save to do this, and the effort involved hasn't always been appreciated (my MIL complained that the very nice cottage we'd let for her 70th birthday wasn't grand enough). The effort isn't reciprocated - they don't do the same back for us. We also do a lot to help them out in practical terms, which again is not reciprocated.
What is more, they are downright tight in their attitude to money on a more everyday basis, asking us to pay for meals out, drinks, and never donating to charity or good causes. They never give anything that they own away, unless it's broken or junk and more or less worthless, even though their houses is over-full of valuable belongings (there are literally things piled on things in every room to the point that it borders on hoarding).
I've always assumed they were asset-rich but money-poor and been willing to make sacrifices to ensure they have a good time. But I've recently found out that this is not true and that they are actually cash millionnaires. They have over £1.1 million in the bank in ISA-type investments (they are very risk averse), they own a £500k house, and another bungalow without a mortgage. They also have very generous pensions, especially considering that they both gave up work in their 40s plus income from their second house, which they let. Altogether, they have far more coming in than we do, plus this immense cash reserve as a safety net.
This has come out becuase we have been dealing with solicitors recently due to a legal issue they have and the solicitor told them that they might want to consider estate planning to reduce inheritance tax. They said right in front of us that they don't want to do this because they don't know how much they will need for care costs, and they come first. They didn't even stop to think about us, or about BIL (who is financially in a similat position to us). They have form for this - they are very, very self-centred.
AIBU to think they are just really mean? Or am I being grabby in thinking that?