Financial situation of in laws

[isthisgreedyofme]

I am writing this to vent and to try to get my head around it.

Been happily married to DH for 15 years, we're in our 40s. Like a lot of people our age, we are doing just about OK for money. Keeping up with the mortgage, childcare costs, etc. is a struggle to be honest, but we scrimp and save, make do, and keep our heads above water. DH has a sort of slightly above averagely paid job; I don't earn enough to pay tax (I run my own business and though I work really hard, it's not going at all well over the pandemic, but that's another story).

Over the years, our in laws have more or less a succession of large presents from us. Things like weekends away at expensive historic properties to celebrate landmark birthdays, large presents, parties etc. We've have had to scrimp and save to do this, and the effort involved hasn't always been appreciated (my MIL complained that the very nice cottage we'd let for her 70th birthday wasn't grand enough). The effort isn't reciprocated - they don't do the same back for us. We also do a lot to help them out in practical terms, which again is not reciprocated.

What is more, they are downright tight in their attitude to money on a more everyday basis, asking us to pay for meals out, drinks, and never donating to charity or good causes. They never give anything that they own away, unless it's broken or junk and more or less worthless, even though their houses is over-full of valuable belongings (there are literally things piled on things in every room to the point that it borders on hoarding).

I've always assumed they were asset-rich but money-poor and been willing to make sacrifices to ensure they have a good time. But I've recently found out that this is not true and that they are actually cash millionnaires. They have over £1.1 million in the bank in ISA-type investments (they are very risk averse), they own a £500k house, and another bungalow without a mortgage. They also have very generous pensions, especially considering that they both gave up work in their 40s plus income from their second house, which they let. Altogether, they have far more coming in than we do, plus this immense cash reserve as a safety net.

This has come out becuase we have been dealing with solicitors recently due to a legal issue they have and the solicitor told them that they might want to consider estate planning to reduce inheritance tax. They said right in front of us that they don't want to do this because they don't know how much they will need for care costs, and they come first. They didn't even stop to think about us, or about BIL (who is financially in a similat position to us). They have form for this - they are very, very self-centred.

AIBU to think they are just really mean? Or am I being grabby in thinking that?

YANBU to be annoyed that you've been so generous and you feel used. They do sound mean.
But in terms of inheritance, they don't owe your husband or BIL anything.

Well, look on the bright side, at least you know now and their meanness means your family will probably eventually inherit a good chunk of money if care costs doesn't use it up and they don't leave it to charity.

On a serious note though, I'd be sympathetic regarding them wanting money to pay for care where they want rather than the care they'd be forced to accept otherwise. It could make a big difference to their quality of life, my DGM was in a lovely place she enjoyed living in for 10 years.

Yes, @thebear1 he would. DH's refrain about his parents is that he loves them but he doesn't like them. They are v mean spirited people in their views and outlook. We've just spent lunch listening to them rejoice over other people who once did something v mildly rude to them losing their jobs.

What they do with their wealth is up to them (but does signal their values and priorities, of course).

But I wouldn't be spending more on major gifts for them.

If they comment say 'DH is learning from his parents - we are now trying to accumulate some savings - thanks for setting the example!'

You've just been made aware of how they are so rich/comfortable, lavish presents from you, you paying when out, you doing the drudge labour for free.

It is their money and they can spend it or not how they like. By the same token your money and time is your money and time and you can spend it/use it how you like, start doing that.

You must be a pair of saints to pay out and do as much as you do for this pair. I never, ever believe just because someone is a parent they automatically deserve to be spoilt, even if they behave badly. Stop spending money you don't have on them - they (literally) wouldn't do it for you!

Sounds like they have partly made their money last by being so stingy and making/letting you do or buy things for them. They are definitely letting you take care of the pennies.

I'd stop with the big gifts - token presents only, and don't do anything for them that they would otherwise have to pay for - form filling, house repairs, gardening, whatever. And if they complain because they've been given a toiletry set or a couple of bottles of wine instead of a cottage away, just say that you're trying to follow their excellent example by putting away a nest egg/emergency fund so gifts and time will be token only from now on. Maybe add a slight touch of sarcasm to this last point...

YANBU we had been saving to help with MIL’s future care costs because she had dementia and considering the way PIL’s lived (house falling down around them, hoarding issues etc, low quality food) we assumed very cash poor. DH had never been abroad or had a holiday and clothes only came from charity shops.

She died unexpected and FIL let it slip she had over 300k in the bank (he has more). We both feel like we fell for some poverty scam, but we are getting a new car now, so there is that

I can only imagine how annoyed you are as you had been spoiling them rotten when they could fully afford it themselves!

@Youdoyoutoday

Wow! I would have stopped the lavish gifts after MIL first shitty comment.

Yes, they do need to consider their own care costs but would it really run in to millions? I think its time to just step back from them a bit.

From my own experience, my parents wouldn't have seen me struggle whilst sitting on that amount of cash but not everyone thinks the same way.

These are exactly my thoughts, and My parents wouldn't either but I'm aware not everyone thinks this way.

its a really tough one, because they don't have to give away any money, but similarly, you don't have to splash out on fancy gifts or go out of your way excessively to help them if it causes an inconvenience to your life, so pull back now, put your own time and money constraints first. Lots of posters on here will shout about that you're being grabby, but I'd be miffed in your position and I think my husband would be quite hurt too

I would be miffed at that kind of penny pinching.

The chorus of 'you don't give to receive' is missing the point. You already said the gifts were not reciprocated and you continued to give big ticket gifts so you were doing it to get back. They are mean of spirit to continue taking expensive gifts when they know you have to save up for them.

Definitely token gifts from now on. Split the bill at restaurants and days out but tell them BEFORE as those kind of people have a habit of forgetting their wallet/purse. Look up a couple of local to them numbers handyman to give them when the ask for the slog gardening work.

You don't have to cut them the off but seriously, they have extracting the urine.

I LOVE the line about us learning from their example! I'm definitely stealing that to use! Thanks for making me laugh. I've been a bit shocked, but now sitting down with a cuppa and a biscuit and I am seeing the positive side - this actually means more freedom for us, both financially and in terms of our time/effort, in future. We no longer have to do all this boring grunt work because they really can afford to pay someone else to do it.

My parents are really struggling at the moment following a recent bereavement, so I'm going to refocus my time/energy there.

I was going to say that at least they're not expecting you to take care of them when they become infirm as they've got their care home fees saved but then I saw you're doing jobs for them which they could easily pay someone to do. In future only give/do what you can afford in both time and money. If they want posh holiday cottages they can pay for them themselves. Requests for gardening should be met with "I'm sorry we're busy with work/the children at the moment so we don't have time. Here's the number of a chap who does gardening " and leave it at that.

My 93 year old MIL (and FIL until he died) does her utmost to only rely on family when she has to. She pays for a gardener, cleaner and handyman plus taxis if she needs to go to a local appointment. To her, family are for company and socialising and have their own chores to do.

People can only take advantage of you if you let them, so you are NBU at all to stop letting them use your time and money so selfishly.

My MIL is in a similar position financially, but never expects large gifts and has been very generous in helping with uni costs for our two DC, so your situation is not normal.

They may change. My PILs were very much like this even when they were much younger. If they lent money to either of their sons they charged interest. They retired early with very big pension, have a very valuable property and a second home abroad. I have never had a birthday or Christmas present from them but they give my DH and DSs a cheque every Christmas and birthday. But, since my MIL died last year, the FIL has completely changed and has started giving equal amounts of money now and again to all four grandchildren which is a lovely thing to do. He is 90 now and insists he is going to live till at least 100. You may well find that your PILs will change as they get older and their priorities change. Meanwhile don't spend sill money on presents for them as they obviously don't need them or appreciate them.

You sound like you don't like them anyway (not saying you're not justified, they sound like arses) so just disengage. Don't stop giving them birthday presents but make them smaller, don't go for meals with them and tell them you're too busy working to help with gardening or whatever they are asking you to do. I wouldn't make a big deal, just fade.

Be polite but firm, you're busy and they are able to pay for cleaners, gardeners or whatever.

I think I understand what you mean - it's not that you expected them to step in and help you out, their money is theirs.

You were helping them out because you thought they didn't have much money and wanted to treat them or help them out, at a significant time and financial cost to yourselves - doing generous things like helping with admin and gardening, and picking up the whole bill for dinner, with the unspoken assumption that they couldn't afford it otherwise. Now you find out they could have afforded to pull their weight, you feel really used. YANBU to feel that way, I would feel exactly the same!!

Oh well, at least your inheritance will be good.

I agree , you should take a massive step back and let them hire people to do all the things you both do for them now . They can afford to pay and you can enjoy all the free time

Mean with money = Mean with love.

Tenner for bdays and Xmas budget; go Dutch in cafes.

No more unpaid professional or DIY services.

They won't change, but you can. They'll start mentioning The Will soon, but don't fall for it. People like that tend to live for decades, anyway, probably preserved cos they've got vinegar for blood.

Enjoy your new freedom :)

@Supersimkin2

Mean with money = Mean with love.

Tenner for bdays and Xmas budget; go Dutch in cafes.

No more unpaid professional or DIY services.

They won't change, but you can. They'll start mentioning The Will soon, but don't fall for it. People like that tend to live for decades, anyway, probably preserved cos they've got vinegar for blood.

This has made me giggle vinegar for blood!

They're right that their care costs come first before any inheritance considerations.

But otherwise they're tighter than a gnat's arse, why on earth are you spending so much money on them?

Does DH feel like he needs to pay money for their favour?

@Aquamarine1029

I would stop being such a mug buying presents for them they don't appreciate. They sound mean and selfish.

This! Just fucking stop fronting them gifts, paying for meals, etc. 'We'll all pay for ourselves. We can't afford to pay for everyone.'

Even if they didn't have so much money you are silly to spend money you can't afford on other peoples celebrations.
You have to see to your own little family before splashing what you don't have on anyone.
Helping out with sorting finances etc by me is fine, it takes time. But I would encourage them to hire people to garden or do other jobs. They are quite miserly and not sorting thier finainces means that the tax man get a lovely bonus when they do eventually go.
I'd get Dh to push them to listen to a good accountant.

@xiaoxiong that is exactly it. It's not the money, it's what the money represents and the way that they've treated our time/labour as a resource they can just draw on. Up until a year ago, DH had a very, very full-on management role and was exhausted all the time to the point he started to have some depression/anxiety issues - they knew he was struggling and on meds and they would still ask us to sort things out for them. We assumed it was because there was a need and it couldn't be done any other way. I feel implicitly lied to, just from the context.

They chose to retire 4 hours' drive from us, so just getting to them every 4-6 weeks to spend a few days sorting them out is really onerous and takes up a significant part of our annual leave.