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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

One at Uni, one at work…

937 replies

BelleClapper · 20/05/2021 12:23

How do you square this without causing resentment?

Dd (17) is working full time on an apprenticeship course. We are charging her rent/keep/petrol equivalent to 25% of her take home.

DS (18) up until now was planning to leave college and get a job. He announced yesterday that he is now accepting the three University offers he got a while back. As an aside he’s just split up with his GF of two years who was absolutely definitely in no way the reason he wasn’t going…

So we will be in a position of taking money from DD and sending money to DS. Which has totally changed the dynamic. I’m really conscious of causing resentment from DD who already suffers a bit with middle child syndrome and jealousy.

If you’ve been in this situation what did you do? I want DD to contribute for lots of reasons, none of which go away just because DS now needs three more years of support.

OP posts:
Original poster
BelleClapper · 20/05/2021 14:14

I left home/was kicked out (my parents and I disagree on the circumstances of this) at just turned 16. It wasn’t fun.

I absolutely would never ask any of mine to leave before they wanted to, or could. But I am a firm believer in paying your way and having responsibilities.

OP posts:
Notaroadrunner · 20/05/2021 14:14

I didn't go to college, started working in late teens. My siblings went to uni. I have no idea what or if my parents gave them. It was none of my business. I decided uni wasn't for me - my choice to go and work. I wasn't living at home but if I was I'm certain I wouldn't have been allowed to stay for free.

There may come a time when your dd will be out of work and need a bit of help, while your Ds will have a job and not need a penny from you. So for now, I would keep charging dd and say nothing about what Ds is getting from you. She has chosen a different path so she has no reason to be be annoyed if you are funding Ds. As for Ds, I'd give him what he needs for accommodation and food but as for socialising - that's for him to fund.

Viviennemary · 20/05/2021 14:15

It would be cheeky. Yo are using your DD's wages to subsidise your DS at uni. Not on.

Laiste · 20/05/2021 14:15

@Comefromaway

People are talking like going to university to do a degree is a bad thing?
No one is saying going to uni is a bad thing. But i don't think it should be held up as more worthy of a parents financial support than another path.

You have to look at it with a parent's hat on. In the here and now, which is where resentment is or isn't built. Not in 10 years which is hindsight which is too late.

I wouldn't want to stop any of my kids going to uni, but i couldn't pay for one's roof while charging the other.

What they are doing under their respective roof, be it working for a living or learning for a living, shouldn't change anything imo.

Ivy48 · 20/05/2021 14:16

That’s your sons choice. I’m sorry but you either stop charging her and give you son money (if you give him £200 a month and don’t charge her rent then it’s fair etc). But that’s like taking out of your daughters pocket and putting it in his. He’ll have to get a job otherwise. You can’t charge her but sub him that’s awful

SofiaMichelle · 20/05/2021 14:16

MN is the wrong place to ask such a question OP.

You'll get ridiculous answers from people who think their offspring can't possibly be expected to pay for part of their upkeep, how they'd never be so mean to their precious children, etc., etc.

Back in the real world it's not at all unreasonable to expect a contribution towards upkeep from someone in the household who's earning a decent wage.

It's bizarre here at times. There are threads where 16yos are too old for parents to have any input at all into how they behave and where they go, and others where people advocate treating them as children until they're well in their mid-20s.

Original poster
BelleClapper · 20/05/2021 14:16

@Viviennemary

It would be cheeky. Yo are using your DD's wages to subsidise your DS at uni. Not on.
Well this was my initial reaction too. But it’s actually more complex than that.

I’m going to treat the two situations as separate, which they are.

OP posts:
bruffin · 20/05/2021 14:17

*So we will be in a position of taking money from DD and sending money to DS.
We are effectively doing that at the moment. DS has a good job and very well paid and we basically send the £200 a month he gives us to dd, but ds did go to uni for 2 years so we gave him the same £200 when he was there.
However if you DD is only 17 i wouldnt be taking 25% of her wages

Your DS should be getting a part time job to make up any shortfall
Depends on the course. DDs course includes a 1000 hours placement, with 9 to 5 for months at a time. She could not take on a regular job . She has been able to get work since her final placement for 12 hours a week and she has always worked in holidays .
DS was a qualified lifeguard and worked doing that through uni.
We basically paid their food and mobile phone and to learn to drive.

RedMarauder · 20/05/2021 14:17

OP you are treating them equally as their circumstances are different.

Also be aware that your DD could actually do a degree later on. I've worked with people who have done apprenticeships and done so.

OunceOfFlounce · 20/05/2021 14:17

@Hardbackwriter

People don't seem to be doing this for DS, going to uni. I mean, it would be possible for him to go out to work and earn his uni fees first but (quite rightly) no one is comparing his situation to how he'd have to cope if he was an independent adult with no parents to rely on.

He'd actually be a lot better off if he were being assessed as an independent adult as he'd get the full maintenance loan.

Problem solved! Wink
UhtredRagnarson · 20/05/2021 14:19

Sorry, you think we should drive her to and from work, 10hrs driving each week, so she can earn money, and not charge her for petrol?

Will you transport your son to university? Will you pay his train fare home at Xmas, Easter, summer when he calls and says he hasn’t the money for it? He’s in education to give him a chance of earning well in later years. Your daughter is in education for the same reason but has been smart enough to do it so she can earn now as well. Perhaps you will send him a train fare reimbursement invoice in 5 years when he is earning to pay for all the transport you covered while he was in education?

FreekStar · 20/05/2021 14:20

Perhaps you could call the money a loan to your DS? With the intention he pays you back when he is earning.

Viviennemary · 20/05/2021 14:21

But that's the whole point. Theyre not separate. If they were there wouldn't be a problem or resentment. Why dont you insist your DS gets a job to make up the shortfall. No. Its really unfair IMHO.

museumum · 20/05/2021 14:21

[quote luckylavender]@museumum - the 9k is fees, nothing to do with living costs. [/quote]
No, fees are £9k but everyone gets a loan fir that, even millionaires, also the max maintenance loan is £9k (the money to live on) away from home but I’ve just noticed £12k in London - that is means tested and what I was talking about.

PaperbackRider · 20/05/2021 14:21

I’m going to treat the two situations as separate, which they are

Doubt your DD will see it that way. Which you already know, or you would never have asked the question.
But look it, why care about your child (who is still a child, and you have a moral and legal duty to feed and house her) as long as strangers on the internet agree with you? Hmm

UrAWizHarry · 20/05/2021 14:22

@Viviennemary

It would be cheeky. Yo are using your DD's wages to subsidise your DS at uni. Not on.
She isn't though. The two things are not related. Both kids have made decisions about what they want to do and the OP should support those decisions as best she can.
LolaSmiles · 20/05/2021 14:23

People are talking like going to university to do a degree is a bad thing?
It's not a bad thing, but it is a choice. It's a choice (based on my experience working with 6th formers) that many make because that's what you do, you go for the experience, your parents have assumed you'll go, you're not sure what you want to do so you'll go to uni for 3 years. Of course nobody is going to suggest all 17 year olds have a life plan by 18, but going to university is just seen as the next step. I'm not convinced that the education route of teenagers should cause their parents to treat them markedly differently.

What happens often on here is that children who opt not to go to university are held to different standards by their parents.

A 20 year old at university is expected to be given an allowance, their parents fund some of their bills, they're home rent free in the holidays and are generally viewed as an overgrown teenager who needs their mummy and daddy. Meanwhile there's 16/17/18 year old who opt for work based education and training, and they're expected to pay their parents to live at home, they're expected to be gushing grateful that Mum cooks enough food for them on an evening, they're expected to be more independent.
The parents then justify this unequal treatment by listing household bills that they'd be paying anyway as proof that they're right to be taking money from one child whilst heavily subsidising the other, so you get Of course DC1 has to pay me to live at home, they get netflix, the Internet, the electricity, the heating.

I'm sure those parents, like mine, will say they're teaching their children a lesson in life, money doesn't grow on trees, things cost money, blah blah blah, but the real lesson that is taken away is that your parents are willing to subsidise some of their children whilst taking from others.

RB68 · 20/05/2021 14:24

you need to treat them as individuals

She chose her route and you are clear if she earns then she needs to pay her way. As others have said 25% of her salary is 250 a month which in no way is market rent for a room, board and no doubt full servicing on bills, food and washing etc

Your son is choosing Uni, he is at a different life stage and Uni comes with its own costs. He needs to apply for grants and loans and you need to pay the calculated contribution - he wants more than that he works ofr it.

You are effectively still paying something towards both of them - he is subsidising you by applying for loans and grants and DD by paying her 250 quid, you still contribute to their upkeep for BOTH parties just in different ways. DD gets cost of living at home less her contribution - you contribute towards your sons living costs outside of the home he contributes by taking on loans and or a job if he can - to me its equal already

Nevermakeit · 20/05/2021 14:25

@zaffa

I'd save the money she gives you and give it to her when she is ready to move out as a best egg she has built up, and add in an equal amount of the same value that you are sending to DS to ensure it is fair.
Agree with this!
UhtredRagnarson · 20/05/2021 14:25

@titchy

You could of course always suggest to her that you will give her the same amount as you give your ds, as long as she agrees that in three years time she owes you £50k - the same amount of loan that your ds will have to repay from his salary.Wink
How would that be the same? Confused DS isn’t paying any of his back to OP.
Spiderplantsoutside · 20/05/2021 14:25

Personally I would encourage her to learn to drive!

Comefromaway · 20/05/2021 14:26

It's not quite that simple. Youhave to either be:

Over the age of 25
Married
Have a child of your own
Have completely supported yourself for a full three years
Or have not seen or spoken to your parents for over a year

flaminjo · 20/05/2021 14:26

DD 17 continues to pay you but you keep that money aside and then give it back to them when they leave home

Original poster
BelleClapper · 20/05/2021 14:26

@Spiderplantsoutside

Personally I would encourage her to learn to drive!
We are literally waiting for her provisional to arrive in the post.

Oh, and she’s having my car. So there’s that.

OP posts:
BeyondMyWits · 20/05/2021 14:28

If your child at uni is getting a maintenance loan, parents are means tested and the amount adjusted downwards the more the parent brings in.

The money from the child who is paying her keep will need to be declared and factored in too. It is an offence to not declare income.