Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

One at Uni, one at work…

937 replies

BelleClapper · 20/05/2021 12:23

How do you square this without causing resentment?

Dd (17) is working full time on an apprenticeship course. We are charging her rent/keep/petrol equivalent to 25% of her take home.

DS (18) up until now was planning to leave college and get a job. He announced yesterday that he is now accepting the three University offers he got a while back. As an aside he’s just split up with his GF of two years who was absolutely definitely in no way the reason he wasn’t going…

So we will be in a position of taking money from DD and sending money to DS. Which has totally changed the dynamic. I’m really conscious of causing resentment from DD who already suffers a bit with middle child syndrome and jealousy.

If you’ve been in this situation what did you do? I want DD to contribute for lots of reasons, none of which go away just because DS now needs three more years of support.

OP posts:
Original poster
BelleClapper · 20/05/2021 14:30

He’ll only get the minimum maintenance loan.

OP posts:
Fishandhips · 20/05/2021 14:31

@BelleClapper

Ideally we’ll save it for her but I don’t want to let on that I am. So there’s every chance she’s going to get pissy at some point that she’s paying and he’s not.

I might be overthinking. There was a lot of inequality between me and my siblings (house deposits, first cars etc, I had none of those) and I’m a bit over sensitive to it.

I wouldn't mind paying board at all, but if I was paying it out of an already low wage whilst in a form of further learning whilst my sibling at university (which will likely stand them in better stead for earning in the future) I'd be annoyed.

I agree with others to maybe save hers as a little nest egg, but be open about it.

Fishandhips · 20/05/2021 14:32

Missed out other sibling would be getting money

lakesidelife · 20/05/2021 14:34

You are supporting both dc.

The one at home is being supported by only being charged a fraction of the costs of housing, food and transportation.
So being supported in kind and will be debt free.

The one at Uni is being supported financially to attend, as the government expects you to do as parents.
So supported financially but will have debts.

These choices are ones that they have both made, you haven't chosen these paths for them.

a8mint · 20/05/2021 14:35

I can only imagine the 'he needs to get himself a pt job' brigade, have been humanities graduates who swan in for only a few hours a week. Many courses just do not allow a student to have the availability to do that, many university towns don't have enough of the kind of termtime jobs a student could do.As for tutoring, universities arrange for their students to do tutoring for free so that they have some experience if they want to apply for a phd. I don't think there would be a market for anyone who charged!

bruffin · 20/05/2021 14:36

If your child at uni is getting a maintenance loan, parents are means tested and the amount adjusted downwards the more the parent brings in.
Dd gets minimum support grant, she is cheapest city for student rent. If she had gone to second choice, the rent is double and she would have to find 3k extra just to pay rent

OunceOfFlounce · 20/05/2021 14:36

@Comefromaway

It's not quite that simple. Youhave to either be:

Over the age of 25
Married
Have a child of your own
Have completely supported yourself for a full three years
Or have not seen or spoken to your parents for over a year

If this was in reply to me, I was joking. RE my earlier post about people comparing DD's situation to living independently without the help of parents but not doing the same to DS. It would be possible for both of them to go it alone...but why?
Bibidy · 20/05/2021 14:36

I don't think it's an issue to be honest OP, it's 2 totally different situations.

You are still doing loads to support them both, and would be doing the same for your daughter if she had chosen to go to uni. It's not like you're handing him a lump sum for his own use, you'll be helping him with his rent in the same way you're helping her with hers by her living in your home.

Presumably he will also need to work while he's at uni to support himself so it's not like he'll be getting a free ride.

Laufeythejust · 20/05/2021 14:36

I think you should keep it as it is but make it clear that in the future your daughter will get some help when she needs it. So you help towards a house deposit/ car or wedding in the future when she needs it. Otherwise it does seem that your DS has had more than her, it just so happens that his time of needing it has come first.

Huhn · 20/05/2021 14:39

An apprenticeship to me is a vocational form of education. I would treat it the same as education so when she qualifies / is no longer an apprentice, then she pays rent.

I think she would have every right to resent you otherwise. Also, not everyone is academically gifted and shouldn’t be penalised for so.

PaperbackRider · 20/05/2021 14:40

The one at home is being supported by only being charged a fraction of the costs of housing, food and transportation

She's 17. She shouldn't be paying anything, her parents are obliged to maintain the minors in their care.

Original poster
BelleClapper · 20/05/2021 14:40

I’m also doing an apprenticeship. It’s very definitely work and not education.

OP posts:
lakesidelife · 20/05/2021 14:43

She's 17. She shouldn't be paying anything,

This is nonsense as any student will tell you, they get charged for accommodation, have to pay for their own food etc.

The difference is that the 17 year old is paying a fraction of the true costs and the student is paying the full whack.

Which is why even with parental support the student will have debts.

Fishandhips · 20/05/2021 14:43

@BelleClapper

I’m also doing an apprenticeship. It’s very definitely work and not education.
It's a combination. Yes she is earning, but she would be earning more working in a supermarket, therefore the lower wage is partly because its an apprentiship. I missed the fact she is only 17 as well, I think that's pretty savage personally.
DreamingNow · 20/05/2021 14:44

If i was your dd I would be resentful of the fact that I am paying and my brother isnt.

If you want to be fair, you need to be sure you are giving the same support to all of your dcs.
Whatever you are laying to your dc1, you should give the same to all your other dcs incl your dd.
It’s not because one of them is starting to earn money earlier than the others that they should pay the price for it. Working instead of 3 years having fun and little responsibility etc... and on the top of it also having to pay their way....

Bluedeblue · 20/05/2021 14:44

So, if they both live at home in 4 years time, and Op's DS earns £70k and her DD earns £15k, they should both pay the exact same amount of board then?

Fishandhips · 20/05/2021 14:44

@lakesidelife

She's 17. She shouldn't be paying anything,

This is nonsense as any student will tell you, they get charged for accommodation, have to pay for their own food etc.

The difference is that the 17 year old is paying a fraction of the true costs and the student is paying the full whack.

Which is why even with parental support the student will have debts.

How many University students do you know who are 17?
lakesidelife · 20/05/2021 14:45

I went at 17, perfectly normal in Scotland.

Original poster
BelleClapper · 20/05/2021 14:46

Again, she wouldn’t be earning more in a supermarket because she is actually earning 125% of minimum wage.

OP posts:
Budapestdreams · 20/05/2021 14:46

If you top your son's maintenance loan up to 9k (which is the full amount) then he basically has 9k a year.

Your daughter earns 12k a year.

She is still better off, although you take 3k rent (a fair amount I think) so she also ends up with 9k.

Difference is that her 9k is all spending money. His is for rent etc too.

Present it to her purely as how much money they both have.

WithIcePlease · 20/05/2021 14:46

DD will clear over £900 a month. I'd be sitting down with her and discussing regular savings accounts, how much she needs for 'fun' and petrol etc and maybe when she sees how much she can put aside and see it grow it may stem any resentment as DS will be left with debt
It depends on the individual child. My DD 22 will be on a decent wage soon but I'm not charging her living costs. She's a frugal soul, not a drinker or party girl She gets her own groceries and petrol, exercise classes and I'll be happy to see her pile money into savings for her future. If she were a spendthrift, I'd definitely charge her rent though so that she'd learn some sense about money

UhtredRagnarson · 20/05/2021 14:46

But I am a firm believer in paying your way and having responsibilities.

Just for the one child though. Not both.

DreamingNow · 20/05/2021 14:46

@BelleClapper

I’m also doing an apprenticeship. It’s very definitely work and not education.
The i think you’ve missed the whole point of doing an apprenticeship!!

Apprenticeship is about learning first and foremost. Learning on the job and getting support from other people in your company. You end up with a qualification.
And yes you are working too because that’s how you are learning. But working isn’t the main aim.

Dora33 · 20/05/2021 14:46

@a8mint

I can only imagine the 'he needs to get himself a pt job' brigade, have been humanities graduates who swan in for only a few hours a week. Many courses just do not allow a student to have the availability to do that, many university towns don't have enough of the kind of termtime jobs a student could do.As for tutoring, universities arrange for their students to do tutoring for free so that they have some experience if they want to apply for a phd. I don't think there would be a market for anyone who charged!
Would have loved to do some swanning around but I worked weekends while doing a degree that I attended college 9-5pm. Often stayed late to use facilities while working on projects.
Hardbackwriter · 20/05/2021 14:46

It's a combination. Yes she is earning, but she would be earning more working in a supermarket, therefore the lower wage is partly because its an apprentiship. I missed the fact she is only 17 as well, I think that's pretty savage personally.

A 17 year old would absolutely not be earning more than £12k working in a supermarket

Swipe left for the next trending thread