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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

One at Uni, one at work…

937 replies

BelleClapper · 20/05/2021 12:23

How do you square this without causing resentment?

Dd (17) is working full time on an apprenticeship course. We are charging her rent/keep/petrol equivalent to 25% of her take home.

DS (18) up until now was planning to leave college and get a job. He announced yesterday that he is now accepting the three University offers he got a while back. As an aside he’s just split up with his GF of two years who was absolutely definitely in no way the reason he wasn’t going…

So we will be in a position of taking money from DD and sending money to DS. Which has totally changed the dynamic. I’m really conscious of causing resentment from DD who already suffers a bit with middle child syndrome and jealousy.

If you’ve been in this situation what did you do? I want DD to contribute for lots of reasons, none of which go away just because DS now needs three more years of support.

OP posts:
Comefromaway · 20/05/2021 13:42

@PaperbackRider

She lives in a house nicer than she could afford if she was on her own

She's 17! Where is she meant to be living except with her parents? Hmm

At 17 my dd was living in a city 45 miles away lodging at a cost of £120 per week.
NotSorry · 20/05/2021 13:42

@Maray1967

Good luck with expecting DC at uni to get a part time job to reduce what you give him as some have suggested. If he does a Stem course like mine he will be doing uni classes plus assignments full time. Mine has a holiday Tesco job but I don’t take that off the £5 k we give him. He can only borrow about £4300 and we make it up to what those from low income families can borrow. What he earns over that is going towards a car. I have had quite a few students get into difficulties with part time jobs as some employers will not be flexible and insist on shifts which clash with classes and they end up not attending as their parents can’t/won’t pay them anything.
Good post @Maray1967

There are a lot of posters on here who have no clue what it is like to be a university student these days

Comefromaway · 20/05/2021 13:43

OP won't be getting child benefit for 17 year old apprentice either. Because an apprenticeship isn't officially classed as education despite what everyone here says, it's classed as a job.

LolaSmiles · 20/05/2021 13:44

I can't believe that two siblings who are in education or training are being treated so unequally. Surely they should both be given the same, or at least comparable, support for living costs. It's a choice whether to go to uni or to work, and on here it seems standard to take money from teen children with jobs whilst financially propping up adult children at university into their early 20s.

My parents had different rules on this between me and my siblings. I couldn't imagine doing that to my DC.

Egghead81 · 20/05/2021 13:44

No contribution from either

UnluckyMe · 20/05/2021 13:44

@Owesye

I’m blown away you’re charging when she’s on £12k a year! Seems really mean and unfair. They’ve got plenty of time in life to pay rent and mortgages and bills m. Glad my parents doesn’t have this thought process!
I'm with you on this. I'm all for teaching them the value of money as my parents did with me, but I wasn't charged a penny. I offered to pay for things and they refused as their logic was we are your parents - you save for YOUR future.

So I don't agree with this principle. It does look like you're treating them differently imo and I would have resented my parents if they charged me and not my siblings.

Gwenhwyfar · 20/05/2021 13:45

[quote SnarkyBag]@Gwenhwyfar
Driving lessons
Car/insurance/tax/petrol
Mobile phone contract
Clothes
Make up
Glasses/contact lenses (maybe?!)
Dental treatment
Hair cuts
Hobbies and socialising
Take aways
Holidays
Streaming subscriptions

Not paying towards any of those things anymore as a parent is a huge financial release IMO[/quote]
I would consider all that to be pocket money really and it's normal that someone with a job pays for them.
Glasses and dental can be expensive, yes.
She would be on her parents' streaming subscriptions and if I was earning 12k, I just wouldn't be having driving lessons or holidays or much socialising. (However, maybe OP's daughter can afford them with her lower rent/keep).

OunceOfFlounce · 20/05/2021 13:46

@PaperbackRider

She lives in a house nicer than she could afford if she was on her own

She's 17! Where is she meant to be living except with her parents? Hmm

Yes, lots of people seem to be comparing DD's situation to what she'd be paying if she had a full time job and was living independently. She's still learning and training.

People don't seem to be doing this for DS, going to uni. I mean, it would be possible for him to go out to work and earn his uni fees first but (quite rightly) no one is comparing his situation to how he'd have to cope if he was an independent adult with no parents to rely on.

luckylavender · 20/05/2021 13:46

@museumum - the 9k is fees, nothing to do with living costs.

Frazzled2207 · 20/05/2021 13:47

@TheQueef

Can you still charge DD but ringfence it for a deposit later? dS will hopefully have more earning potential when he gets going.
I would do this.
toocold54 · 20/05/2021 13:48

Good luck with expecting DC at uni to get a part time job to reduce what you give him as some have suggested. If he does a Stem course like mine he will be doing uni classes plus assignments full time.

I did a STEM course as a single parent and worked part time too.
Most apprenticeships are hard work, long hours and for crap money compared to the hours they’re doing. They’re also expected to do some type of coursework/assignments too. So I think time-wise they are both in a similar situation.

UserAtRandom · 20/05/2021 13:48

"Fair" doesn't always come down to money. I note you are driving your DD to work every day and probably doing things like her washing (at least occasionally), cooking meals, keeping the house clean and tidy ...

So you're actually doing a lot for your DD that you're not doing for your son (because he's not there). This needs some recognition too.

Bumzoo · 20/05/2021 13:48

No way I would take money off my DC at 17. I think you've going to end up with a load of resentment towards you and her brother who isn't paying.

Serenity45 · 20/05/2021 13:50

My friend was in this position OP. She was the younger daughter. Her sister (one year older) went off to uni and my friend got onto a YTS after 6th form college (showing our age now!), which was a very low wage. She found out that her parents (pretty comfortably off, large house though not wealthy) were essentially giving the exact amount she paid for keep to her sister.

It did breed huge resentment from her. She and her sister don't have a great relationship for a number of reasons tbh, but she has always felt aggrieved by how this was handled. So not advice as such but I think open conversations need to be had and your reasoning behind your decision transparent. Because at the end of the day it IS your decision and your home / family dynamic to manage. Good luck!

LigPatin · 20/05/2021 13:50

Like every other student he will need to get a job to cover his expenses.
If his maintenance grant only covers 2/3 of his rent, he needs to find somewhere cheaper.

LolaSmiles · 20/05/2021 13:50

I offered to pay for things and they refused as their logic was we are your parents - you save for YOUR future
I wish mine did that. Mine expected full board off me, knowing local rent prices were prohibitively high for a training salary. Other siblings have had periods living at home rent free or were funded through university.
They retired early and now complain to me that they have no money. Hmm

Sheerheight · 20/05/2021 13:51

I agree it will be seen as unfair. I wouldn't charge your dd if you can afford not to.

qualitygirl · 20/05/2021 13:52

12k is not a good wage!! we pay our apprentices over 25k plus benefits.

I personally could never charge a 17 year old rent. Nor would I take it and save it for them (unless they wanted me too) ...I would just insist that they save a portion themselves. They need to get a sense of their own money in a way...charging them rent is pointless as there's no real repercussions if they don't pay is there, you are hardly going to kick them out!

xela21 · 20/05/2021 13:52

Really tricky. I think it probably also depends on what OP(?+partner) earn.

I was never charged rent/keep etc would just seem absurd to my parents. Now as adults, we happily contribute financially if they ever need it.

No DC yet but I can't imagine I will ever charge them (fortunately have a decent income).

I had friends who did pay rent/keep though which I totally understand especially as they often outearned one of their parents. E.g 18 year old working fulling time in a high street shop compared to mother who works part time as a carer.

I think its very situational!

Lollipopmum0183 · 20/05/2021 13:53

@HoldontoOneMoreDay

I do think you're kind of overthinking it.

No working adult should live rent-free, so in terms of your DD I think you've got things pretty much spot on. If she's got £200 in her hand to play with each week then she's not badly off.

Uni is different because it's so expensive and your circs as parents are taken into consideration. So the onus is on you to top up the grant - he'd get more (I assume) if you couldn't afford this.

It's two different circumstances and I wouldn't allow DD to conflate this - however I would make sure DS was taking all the loans he's entitled to and that his walking around money (funded by you) isn't more than DD's - if he wants more, he can work for it.

This.
Abouttimemum · 20/05/2021 13:53

My oldest sister and I both went to Uni and were given £1000 per year towards living (this was a long time ago!) we both had to work through studies to see us through. Rightly so.

My middle sister didn’t go to university, worked instead, and contributed to the cost of living at home during her time living there. my parents kept the £3,000 aside for when she needed it. She used it when she moved into a flat.

We’ve always been kept on an even keel, or her wise it creates resentment.

It’s right that each child should receive the same support.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 20/05/2021 13:53

Charging her for the petrol makes sense if it's an additional expense of her having that placement, but I'd encourage her to save/use the other money for driving lessons.

UserAtRandom · 20/05/2021 13:54

12k is not a good wage!! we pay our apprentices over 25k plus benefits.

Are your apprentices 17? My 17 year old has a part time job that pays £7.50 an hour and he thought he was doing well!

Mistymountain · 20/05/2021 13:55

I've always considered entering into an apprenticeship as equivalent to attending university or college - it is training and learning after all, and depending on the field may involve exams.

Comefromaway · 20/05/2021 13:55

@UserAtRandom

12k is not a good wage!! we pay our apprentices over 25k plus benefits.

Are your apprentices 17? My 17 year old has a part time job that pays £7.50 an hour and he thought he was doing well!

Can I come work for you?