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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

One at Uni, one at work…

937 replies

BelleClapper · 20/05/2021 12:23

How do you square this without causing resentment?

Dd (17) is working full time on an apprenticeship course. We are charging her rent/keep/petrol equivalent to 25% of her take home.

DS (18) up until now was planning to leave college and get a job. He announced yesterday that he is now accepting the three University offers he got a while back. As an aside he’s just split up with his GF of two years who was absolutely definitely in no way the reason he wasn’t going…

So we will be in a position of taking money from DD and sending money to DS. Which has totally changed the dynamic. I’m really conscious of causing resentment from DD who already suffers a bit with middle child syndrome and jealousy.

If you’ve been in this situation what did you do? I want DD to contribute for lots of reasons, none of which go away just because DS now needs three more years of support.

OP posts:
samanthafortin · 02/06/2021 15:49

How do you justify charging your child rent, then using It to support your other child? She will and should resent you. Be a parent and support your children. Pathetic you have to rely on your daughter to take care of your son. Adult children are different, but a 17yo girl financially supporting her 18yo brother just because mum made her? That’s just sad.

Original poster
BelleClapper · 02/06/2021 15:56

Comprehension skills not the greatest, love?

Don’t worry about it. My kids are fine and happy.

OP posts:
Angrymama87 · 02/06/2021 16:24

I literally cant believe what i am reading. I think if it was a small amount, like £15 per week, it would be much less of an issue. But you are taking £250 a month? Thats completely excessive. She is 17! Let her enjoy it will she can. As for son, make his lazy ass get a job, at least for years 1 and 2. Complete p1ss take tbh. Glad you arent my mother.

Original poster
BelleClapper · 02/06/2021 16:26

£100 (at least) is petrol costs.

£25 is her phone.

Have I EVER said that DS won’t be getting a job? Fuck you calling him lazy.

OP posts:
Original poster
BelleClapper · 02/06/2021 16:30

Honestly this idea that DS is some pampered prince while poor DD is sent out to work is such a joke.

Have a word with yourselves.

Frankly the only reason DD is doing an apprenticeship is because she did fuck all at college this last year and her tutors said it was unsalvageable and they wouldn’t be offering her a second year.

DS meanwhile has worked his socks off, will be leaving college with a distinction and has unconditional offers to three universities.

OP posts:
Eatdrinkbemerry · 02/06/2021 16:35

@Angrymama87 @samanthafortin
Think you both need to read all the OP posts. She is not taking from one and giving to another. She has said her son will work while studying.
Samantha- shame on you for saying she doesn’t deserve children. Who do you think you are saying that to someone? Perfect are you? She’s not skinning her child alive, she’s just taking £250 per month and leaving her 17 year old with £750 per month to do with what she wants.

@BelleClapper
you should just close this thread before you’re reported to social services for what a poor mother you are!

Newkitchen123 · 02/06/2021 16:39

@samanthafortin

You should be absolutely ashamed of yourself for this. Taking money from your younger daughter to support your older son? Regardless of her wage, she doesn’t owe you anything and that’s her hard earned money! Parents cannot charge their children for living with them! Children don’t have a choice! Shame on you and I feel horribly for your children. Some people should never have become parents, you’re those people.
She's earning 12k She has a choice!
samanthafortin · 02/06/2021 16:41

bottom line: if you can’t financially support your children, don’t have children. She is using her daughters wages to help fund her sons schooling. That is not the daughters responsibility! It’s ILLEGAL to charge a minor (under 18) rent/board. Shame on you for enabling this kind of behavior. If she wants to teach her child financial responsibility, how will that be accomplished if the only thing she’s demonstrating is that she can’t be financially responsible herself? Relying on your child for money is PATHETIC. I make no apologies for anything I said and stand by all of It.

Original poster
BelleClapper · 02/06/2021 16:47

Hahah illegal!

Oh you are funny.

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 02/06/2021 17:00

Is this still going? Grin

We get it OP, your daughter's already felt like the middle child, but she has a cushy life that makes it fine to take money from a minor.

After 35 pages we hear that your son is such a wonderful hardworking young man, meanwhile your (still a child in the eyes of the law) daughter's rough year at college means you're further justified in taking money from her.

I have no idea why your daughter already feels sidelined and, IIRC you put it, middle child syndromed. Can't see how that could have happened at all Smile

How many pages before we hear that the son is also a beacon of light in the community, single handedly saved a pony, universities were begging to have him, and everyone he knows says he is the most gentlemanly young man to have walked this earth?

Original poster
BelleClapper · 02/06/2021 17:16

Aw do you feel big and clever after bashing that out?

Sweet.

OP posts:
Angrymama87 · 02/06/2021 17:26

So you resent her for doing badly? Thats what it sounds like.
For £250 a month she could move into a shared house and away from your clearly toxic favouritism. I did it on that exact wage and age. Bills all in. It was a while ago, but small rooms in shared houses can be found cheap. She is still a child and did well to get a job paying that much in this climate.

Original poster
BelleClapper · 02/06/2021 17:30

What is actually wrong with you?

Can you just not read? Or is it massive massive projection?

OP posts:
Eilethya · 02/06/2021 17:30

Think this has been picked up by a tabloid

Original poster
BelleClapper · 02/06/2021 17:31

@Eilethya

Think this has been picked up by a tabloid
Yeah it was in the DM the other day. Hilariously bad maths and all.
OP posts:
Original poster
BelleClapper · 02/06/2021 17:40

I’m just waiting for my invite on This Morning or Loose Women or the like.

OP posts:
RoSEbuds6 · 02/06/2021 18:43

I think you’ve been through the mill on this thread OP, my comment would be to trust yourself to know your children best and treat them appropriately.

Kblack · 02/06/2021 21:12

I have a few questions that I didn't see answered earlier. Did your son work and contribute before going to university? If not than I think that it is a double standard. When your daughter goes to university (if she chooses to) will you also support her? If you do not plan on helping your daughter but only giving her contributions you your son for support then I would say that it is an extremely unfair situation for your daughter and will definitely cause resentment that could be very long lasting. If you don't need her money for household bills, why not place it in a savings account for when she moves out or for her future home purchase or possible wedding. There are tons of options to teach her responsibility without making her feel used. And I would definitely feel used if I was contributing just for the money to go to someone who hasn't contributed.

HoneyDragon · 02/06/2021 21:37

ILLEGAL sniggers

Caps lock makes it true.

HoneyDragon · 02/06/2021 21:38

Whoops, sorry I was laughing so hard I bolded instead of creepy wee bracketed.

Eyeroll123 · 03/06/2021 02:43

I literally created an account because of this post.
What you are thinking of doing is so messed up. You clearly favor son or you'd have consistent expectations for your children.
While it's "just an apprenticeship" to you, what your daughter is ACTUALLY doing is learning her education WHILE working. If expectations were fair and equal your son would also be working to cover his bills. I hate when idiotic people don't value those who work and gain an education because they feel it's not the same "value" as going to university. Also, 12k isn't alot, considered poverty level in most places. They are both gaining an education, in fact you daughters doing more, but yet you want to take from her and give to him.
Slow handclap for the misogyny going on in your household 🙄
Do it for both or don't do it at all, unless you don't want a relationship with your daughter in the future

Original poster
BelleClapper · 03/06/2021 06:51

I can’t believe you went to all the effort of joining MN to post that without actually reading the thread.

-he will be working

-I’ve never said ‘just an apprenticeship’

-I’m not taking from her to give to him

-I’ve no idea why I keep responding to this thread.

OP posts:
SwimBaby · 03/06/2021 07:11

Ignore the haters OP, it’s natural you questioned your decisions but I think you are doing the right thing and you do do that all that matters. My suggestion would be to use some of the £250 per month to help your DD learn to drive. Sorry if you are already doing this, I have read nearly all the posts but may have missed this.
If your DS doesn’t manage to get a holiday job he could do lots of jobs in the house to make life easier for the rest of you who are earning.

Original poster
BelleClapper · 03/06/2021 08:37

Also I think people are missing the point that DS will be taking out loans, we’re not fully funding him through Uni (that would be batshit).

So he is already contributing at least three times as much as DD.

But that doesn’t really fit the narrative of how terrible I am so it’s been ignored.

OP posts:
HoneyDragon · 03/06/2021 10:16

MN has really moved on I see. I created an account because of the marvellous camaraderie and gratuitous swearing.