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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

One at Uni, one at work…

937 replies

BelleClapper · 20/05/2021 12:23

How do you square this without causing resentment?

Dd (17) is working full time on an apprenticeship course. We are charging her rent/keep/petrol equivalent to 25% of her take home.

DS (18) up until now was planning to leave college and get a job. He announced yesterday that he is now accepting the three University offers he got a while back. As an aside he’s just split up with his GF of two years who was absolutely definitely in no way the reason he wasn’t going…

So we will be in a position of taking money from DD and sending money to DS. Which has totally changed the dynamic. I’m really conscious of causing resentment from DD who already suffers a bit with middle child syndrome and jealousy.

If you’ve been in this situation what did you do? I want DD to contribute for lots of reasons, none of which go away just because DS now needs three more years of support.

OP posts:

Coldwine75 · 26/05/2021 20:15

@Funkyfuno

"but I dont get whole idea of charging your own child to live in their own home thing....my parents never did it for us"

This. Op is just trying to selectively pick the comments she likes to justify getting one child to pay for another. And sees nothing wrong with this. Amazing. Why don't you charge them for food, laundry, services op? At what age do you think kids start paying? If not doing gcses at 15 perhaps?

Exactly , was discussing this with my dh and we are both motified you are charging a child rent , its not right 100% , we are not planning to charge our kids till they are much older (if still at home ) and working in a well paid job.

Pagwatch · 26/05/2021 20:20

lol at 'its not right 100%'

obviously now i know what your DH thinks i'm def going to revise my views. thank god you cleared that up

Belladonna12 · 26/05/2021 20:22

@BelleClapper

Um, at whatever age they get a full time job

There’s a clear divide here between people who would never expect their adult children to contribute and those who do, that’s fine. One way is not more correct than the other.

She isn't an adult or earning much though. Regardless, it's more that you're treating them differently than anything else. She may have more money than your DS now but that's likely to change in the future so I think it would be better to get her to save for her future.

Coldwine75 · 26/05/2021 20:23

@Pagwatch

lol at 'its not right 100%'

obviously now i know what your DH thinks i'm def going to revise my views. thank god you cleared that up

No problem :)

Pagwatch · 26/05/2021 20:23

Mortified

Coldwine75 · 26/05/2021 20:24

Mortified at what?

Original poster

BelleClapper · 26/05/2021 20:26

They’re different kids though, so they will be treated differently.

For eg, DD comes on holiday with us, DS hasn’t wanted to for the last two years. DD will be joining us for dinner out in a restaurant on Sunday, we are dropping DS to a party on the way. I drive DD to work everyday, DS takes a bus and a train to college.

They both have different needs and wants.

OP posts:

Original poster

BelleClapper · 26/05/2021 20:26

@Pagwatch

Mortified

OP posts:

Pagwatch · 26/05/2021 20:31

Uncanny isn’t it?

Belladonna12 · 26/05/2021 20:44

@BelleClapper

They’re different kids though, so they will be treated differently.

They both have different needs and wants.

It's not similar to one choosing to go on holiday with you and the other choosing not to as your DD hasn't chosen to be treated differently by you. You're the one who has chosen to do it so it's more like you inviting one on holiday but deciding that the other doesn't want to go without actually asking them. They don't really have different wants or needs long-term. Both will probably want to leave home in the future and whereas your DS will probably get a well-paid job with his degree and will be able to do that quite easily your DD may need some help. Are you going to treat them differently then and give your DD money but not your DS?

Original poster

BelleClapper · 26/05/2021 20:52

I have no idea. I don’t have a crystal ball.

She has chosen to leave education and start work though, with the full knowledge that that would mean starting to contribute financially. Nothing has been decided without her input.

OP posts:

Newkitchen123 · 26/05/2021 21:05

Honestly some of these comments! You'd think the OP was taking every last penny off a child sweeping chimneys!
She will be earning 12000! That a lot for someone that age! She will still have plenty left over. She is driven a long round trip to work every day. She will be given a car when she passes her test.
Please try and see the bigger picture!

HoneyDragon · 26/05/2021 21:15

Actually on hindsight I think you are a dreadful parent for not treating your children exactly the same I think you should immediately return all the money to your daughter forthwith and then when you have done that also purchase your son at least five years worth of San pro. You got it for dd so ds should have some too. You neglectful witch you. I’m actually crying for your your poor tamponless son. CRYING.

Original poster

BelleClapper · 26/05/2021 21:20

OP posts:

Funkyfuno · 26/05/2021 21:20

"She will be earning 12000! That a lot for someone that age! She will still have plenty left over.*

That's not the point. Parents have an obligation to help kids prepare for life. Help them get on their feet. I see there are 3 categories of commentors here:

Some people think charging their children for living in their home teaches responsibility.

Some are materialistic, and like getting some extra income from their children (this is how the op came across).

Others, inc me, think encouraging kids to work (as long as that doesn't interfere with studies or other goals) , encouraging them to save, invest, already teaches responsibility without taking advantage of their paycheck.

There's some deeply wrong with charging children to live at their family home. Very distasteful at the least, damaging family relations at worst.

Original poster

BelleClapper · 26/05/2021 21:23

There's some deeply wrong with charging children to live at their family home. Very distasteful at the least, damaging family relations at worst.

In your opinion.

OP posts:

Coldwine75 · 26/05/2021 21:27

Why not encourage the young person to save up instead, why are you grabbing all her money? That's what Id do, and that still teaches them financial responsibilty .

Pagwatch · 26/05/2021 21:30

Funkyfuno

There isn’t something ‘deeply wrong’ with a loving parent finding a route by which their child contributes to homelife.

Stop speaking in definitives about every other home that does not replicate your model. It’s hyperbolic and ridiculously arrogant.

There will be parents who send their child off into the world with a healthy view of family, financial responsibility, kindness and a good work ethic and are grateful for the support of their parents in whatever form that came

There will be others who are entitled, lazy, selfish or irresponsible, I suspect that these two groups will be divided by the bonds with their parents, the self respect and independence they were taught and the love, affection and happiness contained in their homes

I suspect that very little in either of those groups will have been entirely shaped by whether or not they get asked to contribute from their wages

You’re just being ridiculously simplistic and unpleasant because you’re trying to win an argument rather than consider that this is a complicated issue in a world where kids have too much stuff and not enough independence

Newkitchen123 · 26/05/2021 21:32

@funkyfuno so where does that end?
Early 20s minimum wage job? Similar salary. Do they stay at home rent free forever? Where do you draw the line?

Pagwatch · 26/05/2021 21:41

Lolling now at ‘grabbing all her money’

Why does it all keep getting so dramatic? Do you not sit down with a cup of coffee with your kids and say ‘hey let’s sort the finances out’. Is it always straight to Barbara Windsor?

Eatdrinkbemerry · 26/05/2021 21:43

@Funkyfuno

My dad took money from me and my brother but not the other two siblings. He also gave money to my siblings to help them buy a property but not me. I was married by then and had bought a house with my partner and was worried about the others financial security.

I never felt it was distasteful and neither did it ruin relationships. I have such a strong relationship with my parents and siblings.

Again I’m not saying what my dad did is right, I’m trying to point out that every family will do things the way they feel is best for their family. And you have just decided that the OP or people like my father are materialistic. How and why?

RedHelenB · 26/05/2021 21:50

Up until 18 I wouldn't charge anyway as they are still legally children unless I had to financially due to losing benefits say.

Funkyfuno · 26/05/2021 21:50

"Lolling now at ‘grabbing all her money’"

I'm not lolling at all. What @Coldwine75 said is very reasonable...op, do you need this money? Why not tell her to save instead ? Oh and OP, yes it is my opinion. I think we're entitled to it...

Newkitchen123 · 26/05/2021 21:52

I have a sibling. No longer have my parents and we're both older and left the family home many years ago. Parents helped sibling financially over the years. I've never needed it but I wouldn't begrudge them a penny. The dice fell a different way for them. I know if I needed it I would have had help.
Fair isn't always equal

Pagwatch · 26/05/2021 21:53

Two of mine are/were students. One finished, one (hopefully) going in September.
They’ll both get broadly the same level of support but my youngest intends to work.I’m not going to reduce her support because she’s got more outgoings by virtue of her hobbies and personality.
Eldest worked on his studies and the newspaper (became a journalist) and was pretty content with mates, his girlfriend, rugby and evenings in. He hates being given stuff. Always wants to pay his way. Always has
DD want to go out, to join clubs and societies and spends lots on clothes. She can earn that. So she’ll have more but she’s frankly more expensive. She’s happy if I pay for stuff but she wants to earn because she wants the independence. So they get treated slightly differently because they’re different and want different things.
You can’t always treat your kids exactly the same. It’s not always that easy. It’s why my middle son gets everything he wants. Life’s complicated and loving parents adjust

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