One at Uni, one at work…

[BelleClapper]

How do you square this without causing resentment?

Dd (17) is working full time on an apprenticeship course. We are charging her rent/keep/petrol equivalent to 25% of her take home.

DS (18) up until now was planning to leave college and get a job. He announced yesterday that he is now accepting the three University offers he got a while back. As an aside he’s just split up with his GF of two years who was absolutely definitely in no way the reason he wasn’t going…

So we will be in a position of taking money from DD and sending money to DS. Which has totally changed the dynamic. I’m really conscious of causing resentment from DD who already suffers a bit with middle child syndrome and jealousy.

If you’ve been in this situation what did you do? I want DD to contribute for lots of reasons, none of which go away just because DS now needs three more years of support.

Wow, I’d be pissed if I was your DD 25% of take home pay for rent if she is on 12,000 per year even the government isn’t taking any money from her if you think your DS shouldn’t pay rent and you are sending him money whilst at Uni then you shouldn’t expect your DD to pay either an apprenticeship is education and unless your DS is studying to become something specific I.e. doctor/lawyer then he should get a part time/weekend job to make up any gap between his student loan and his other bills you are teaching one Child financial responsibility very harshly and the other one not at all, a degree isn’t always better or harder than an apprenticeship

Eh?

Your Daughter is still in education as she is completing an apprenticeship, and if she is 17 would have had to choose an apprenticeship or other further education, your Son has decided to go to uni and unless he is doing something that is difficult and requires more than the usual study time he can get a part time job to support himself through uni I worked in a supermarket other friends worked in restaurants, we didn’t rely on the bank of mum and dad or sister in this case to fund the rest of our lifestyles making him get a job whilst at uni would support him more in the long run as he will appreciate that things are not just handed to you and you have to work for your privilege, I think charging your Daughter a nominal rent is good as it will help her budget/save but you shouldn’t take anymore than to cover food and living costs etc

Oh good, so you agree with me then.

DD is paying just enough to cover food and living costs, as worked out upthread. And DS will be working to support himself through university, with support from us as needed.

Glad that’s all cleared up.

In case you don’t want to read the whole thread:

Petrol to take her to work and back (this is a totally separate journey from any other school run/commute so easy to work out) = £100pm.

Mobile phone contract = £25pm.

That leaves £125 per calendar month which is £28 a week ‘keep’.

Which doesn’t even begin to cover food let alone anything else.

I hope that clarifies things for anyone still queuing up to batter me.

Haven't read the whole thread, but I do feel a bit sorry for your daughter.

It is not as if "going to Uni" is something special anymore. In fact your son might be doing it for fun rather than to get a serious qualification.

If that’s how it works out for your Daughter then that is good if she is paying about the right amount but if you give your son money when in all honest he shouldn’t need any then you should deduct the same amount from your daughters rent to keep it fair if you think you are getting a bashing then you probably already feel that you are being unreasonable yourself but that doesn’t mean you are, as parents it’s hard to get the balance right, but if your Daughter feels badly done too then break down the cost for example the commute if she didn’t have you what would it cost I.e. taxis, public transport etc let her see the true cost, the mobile phone let her manage the cost of that too when she is 18 let her take over her bill that will teach her how to budget etc, my mum always said to me and my brother that if we are in education then we don’t pay rent but as soon as we leave that we would have too and that is fair but I think you need to consider your daughter being in education, apprenticeships are hard and the work that has to be put into the qualification side is just as important as doing the working side as well. When I was around your Daughters age mobile phones had not been out long and the first real smart phones where only just starting to come out and if I wanted one then I had to pay for it myself.

@tttigress

Haven't read the whole thread, but I do feel a bit sorry for your daughter.

It is not as if "going to Uni" is something special anymore. In fact your son might be doing it for fun rather than to get a serious qualification.

I agree with this. All of the kids I know who are going to uni just seem to see it as a bit of a doss for 3 years. It’s a rite of passage now, I admire your daughter for doing something useful

Btw if anyone’s found this thread via the article in the Sun, DD isn’t ‘fuming’, they literally made that up out of nothing.

She’s happy, DS is happy, everyone’s happy.

I think your approach sounds fine to me. Your DS will need support at university and I don’t think him finding a part time job can be guaranteed (and in any case he may not be able to work that many hours if he’s in a demanding course). Presumably you’ll review the situation if your DD decides to go to university?

"Petrol to take her to work and back (this is a totally separate journey from any other school run/commute so easy to work out) = £100pm.

Mobile phone contract = £25pm.

That leaves £125 per calendar month which is £28 a week ‘keep’."

Utterly disgusting to be keeping tabs in your daughters every step and bite of food. You must realise you're a parent and keeping her fed is your responsibility. Or are you impoverished in which case you'd have an excuse? While you're at it, why don't you backcharge her for breast milk? Lost for words.

@Whatafuss

"Petrol to take her to work and back (this is a totally separate journey from any other school run/commute so easy to work out) = £100pm.

Mobile phone contract = £25pm.

That leaves £125 per calendar month which is £28 a week ‘keep’."

Utterly disgusting to be keeping tabs in your daughters every step and bite of food. You must realise you're a parent and keeping her fed is your responsibility. Or are you impoverished in which case you'd have an excuse? While you're at it, why don't you backcharge her for breast milk? Lost for words.

I’m what way am I keeping tabs? Are you seriously suggesting I should be out of pocket to get her to work and have an iPhone while she has £1k a month spending money?

I mean, what the actual fuck are you talking about?

People on here are just making shit up now.

Would you be happier if I made her get taxis both ways? Because that would be her entire income. Or do you seriously believe I should be sucking up the extra petrol costs so the poor lamb can keep all her hard earned money?

‘Keeping tabs on every bite of food’ yeah because that’s COMPLETELY what I said obviously in code.

"do you seriously believe I should be sucking up the extra petrol costs so the poor lamb can keep all her hard earned money?"

Well, obviously yes...? Why not a savings account? I mean, the way your 70% of people disagreed with you, it's been picked up by tabloids, various people saying this is disgraceful... All this hasn't really made you think at all?

The way you speak about your daughter tells it all really op...I wouldn't want to be your daughter. you should take a long hard look at yourself.

You really think I should pay £100+ in petrol so a working young adult can get to work and earn £1k a month to keep for herself?

No you don’t. You’re just using it as an excuse to have a pop. No sane person, unless v v wealthy, would absorb that cost in this scenario.

“ Utterly disgusting to be keeping tabs in your daughters every step and bite of food. You must realise you're a parent and keeping her fed is your responsibility. Or are you impoverished in which case you'd have an excuse? While you're at it, why don't you backcharge her for breast milk? Lost for words.”

Clearly not lost for words at all.

The only reason this information is granted is as a response to other posters queries. Because each situation is different and each child is different. Some young adults don’t really grasp the concept of cause and reality as well as others and charging proportional financial or physical contributions into the family unit help them see this.

So you go with your instincts for that child’s but then you can end up in a situation where the same process won’t work for hours other child. Then in an ideal world you can ask what others have done or would do in the same situation. But this isn’t an ideal world so it turned into CuntFest ‘21.

I think she should pay for the petrol to get to work.

The mobile phone benefits you as well as her, presumably you want her to be able to call you if she needs to.

Sorry about the typos it’s really tricky to type a response and drive a bus at the same time

My poor daughter. I get up at 6am to get her up for work, drive for an hour to get her there, then I go and work a 14 hour shift often finishing at midnight or later. DH picks her up and usually drops her in town to see her mates or boyfriend. We include her in meals out, days out, holidays, takeaways etc of course. Her money is her own to spend as she sees fit apart from the contribution we take towards petrol, phone and keep.

But I get it, I’m the worst mother in the fucking world and I should just be out of pocket paying for her travel and social life as well until she’s left home because that’s parenting apparently.

BRB, I’m just off to call social services on myself.

Oh my god, you're so extremely clever and funny @HoneyDragon ahahaaahhhh!

Just thought it might take the heat off the op if people have someone else to mad at. So thank you that’s very kind.

@BelleClapper sorry you've got all this flak and are being attacked. I think you're being very fair: your DD is earning a full-time apprentice wage, your DS is not. You're very sensibly expecting your DS to have a part-time job, and you may well save your DD's rent/keep for when she needs it.

Different children, different ambitions, different needs.

Deduct the amount you are sending to uni child from the amount you charge working child.

I don’t think we will have to send him any money, as it goes.

As far as I understand it now, he can pay the first term’s rent from his loan and live off it for a bit while he finds a job. I was under the impression before that he’d have to pay for the year up front so we’d have to sub him.

He’s going to look for ft work for the summer (college finishes today) and that will give him a decent stash to see him through as well.

And yes, I will take keep from him for the three months, £150. He can sort his own travel.

Everyone’s happy and all is equal.

Stop charging DD, or put that money in a savings account for her.
Encourage DS to get a part time job while at uni.
Send money to both as they need/require it.