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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

One at Uni, one at work…

937 replies

BelleClapper · 20/05/2021 12:23

How do you square this without causing resentment?

Dd (17) is working full time on an apprenticeship course. We are charging her rent/keep/petrol equivalent to 25% of her take home.

DS (18) up until now was planning to leave college and get a job. He announced yesterday that he is now accepting the three University offers he got a while back. As an aside he’s just split up with his GF of two years who was absolutely definitely in no way the reason he wasn’t going…

So we will be in a position of taking money from DD and sending money to DS. Which has totally changed the dynamic. I’m really conscious of causing resentment from DD who already suffers a bit with middle child syndrome and jealousy.

If you’ve been in this situation what did you do? I want DD to contribute for lots of reasons, none of which go away just because DS now needs three more years of support.

OP posts:
iiriselisa · 22/05/2021 18:02

A 17-year-old is still underage and I don't think needs to contribute financially to the family home. I'd make sure she knew that the money she's earning would be wise to mostly be saved though, to soon become financially independent and stand on her own two feet, and that this is expected of her. Going to university is a choice and an expensive one. Sometimes it's totally unnecessary, so he needs to think about how the course he chooses will help him. Is the earning potential/job guaranteed to be better than without going? Is the subject something he absolutely knows he wants to study and is passionate about? What is he hoping to gain from the degree? I don't discourage university in any way if it's the right choice. I went. I however don't think parents should be expected to fund it. I didn't ask for or get offered a penny and I'm not saying this to sound holier than thou. That's what work and student benefits and loans are for. You want something expensive, you work and budget for it. When you eventually graduate, pursue your career, and start earning, you can pay back. If you don't earn a lot, you don't need to pay back a lot either. Eventually the loan will be written off. If you end up earning a lot, you'll have a comfortable life and no trouble paying back. It's absolutely essential that young people realise this. It's a long term financial commitment going into uni and no one should walk in without feeling informed and comfortable it's the right choice. Otherwise, it's worth waiting, working out who you are and what you want, and earn money in the meantime. How many 18-year-olds have their future plan ready? So many people have regrets about wasting the money and wished they went later, or not at all. Of course if someone has known for a long time they want to become a lawyer/doctor/psychologist it's totally different.

justlliloleme · 23/05/2021 16:07

We’ve not been in this exact situation but our daughter worked part time jobs from 16 all the way up to finishing uni. Once she got a ‘proper’ job we didn’t take rent but said she had to put at least £200 in a ISA each month so she had a deposit for a house. We’d have saved the money for her & given it her when she moved out anyway. This way she benefited from the government bonus. Could you not do something like that?

Colourcones · 23/05/2021 16:54

Two of ours went to uni , one did not. We helped both of those at uni. We know how much we gave to each of them over the years and our third child has been helped in other ways to the same amount.

Maggiesfarm · 23/05/2021 23:32

@Localocal

Charging a 17 year old rent? She's still a child - your child. I would still feel a duty to feed and house her at least until the apprenticeship is over.

I would try to convince her to put at least 25% of her take home away in savings, and she should pay for her own phone and entertainment. But I would not charge my child for their room and board, especially while they are still training and even more especially one who is under 18.

I too agree.

I'm sure people will be along to say they were buying their own food and living independently at 16: good for them but the op's daughter is an apprentice and most apprentices still live in the family home. If she was at school in Vl form, nobody would expect her to pay anything out of a Saturday or holiday job.

Apprentices don't get much money, if you don't need it, don't take it.

Apprentices

Maggiesfarm · 23/05/2021 23:35

PS: I hadn't finished my above post before pressing send'.

If she was a sixth former doing A levels, the op would be giving her an allowance!

Original poster
BelleClapper · 24/05/2021 06:22

If she was a sixth former she wouldn’t be earning £1000 a month…

OP posts:
PaperbackRider · 24/05/2021 08:40

Maybe you should have worked harder at keeping her in school. She should be a sixth former.

SwimBaby · 24/05/2021 09:08

Sixth form isn’t for everyone.

Eatdrinkbemerry · 24/05/2021 09:15

@PaperbackRider

That’s really harsh. My DD is young but I would like to think I would support her in whatever choice she makes. I went to university but I would love for my DD to do an apprenticeship. I have a friend who is half my age on an apprenticeship and earning about £45k. Not bad for someone in their early 20s.

Original poster
BelleClapper · 24/05/2021 09:23

I think Paperbackrider is just trolling this thread now tbh. Best ignored.

OP posts:
Sh05 · 24/05/2021 09:28

You've made it into the Daily Fail op

Original poster
BelleClapper · 24/05/2021 09:28

Oh bloody marvellous.

OP posts:
PaperbackRider · 24/05/2021 09:31

Saying what I see. Your kid drops out of school but is earning a bit of money, and your main concern is taking it off her to fund your other kid at uni. It's your family, do as you like. But now the daily hate has hold of it Grin

Original poster
BelleClapper · 24/05/2021 09:34

Daily Mail journo who thinks 25% of 12 is 4…

OP posts:
Original poster
BelleClapper · 24/05/2021 09:41

So for anyone still unsure.

Petrol to take DD to and from work is at least £100pm.

Her phone is £25.

We take £250 so the actual amount of keep she’s paying outside of her own costs is £125 a month.

I am GIVING her my car (worth £5k or so) when she passes her test.

DS will work while at university, he is also looking for a ft job over the summer.

I posted just after he’d decided to go to uni and I’d looked up the amount of maintenance loan, my initial thought was that we’d have to top him up. This may not be the case.

I’m not taking from DD so that I can afford to pay DS, which is what some people are saying. The keep arrangement has been done and dusted, DD is very happy with it.

Oh and the Daily Mail can fuck off.

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 24/05/2021 09:45

So after 30 posters this was a textbook AIBU
OP: AIBU
(30 pages later)
OP: just so you all know I'm not unreasonable, so there.

PaperbackRider · 24/05/2021 09:46

Ok. DD is happy, DS is happy, not issues with money, people are getting cars and everyone is delighted.
And you started a thread worrying about unfairness and resentment for absolutely no reason, having no thoughts at all of unfairness and resentment, and anyone who thinks there may be unfairness or resentment is crazy and mean and trolling. Got it.
Thanks for the clarification Hmm

Original poster
BelleClapper · 24/05/2021 09:48

Yes. I started a thread with a worry.

I thought stuff through after reading the responses, realised I was worrying over nothing, and moved on. Laughed quite a lot at the nonsense about favouritism and cruelty tbh. Peak Mumsnet.

OP posts:
SwimBaby · 24/05/2021 09:48

Some very unfair comments on here.

AbsolutelyPatsy · 24/05/2021 09:55

i wouldnt compare the two

AbsolutelyPatsy · 24/05/2021 09:56

i wouldnt compare the two situations op, no point,
there will be plenty of other parents in the same boat, myself included, your ds may well move home and if he works will have to pay rent too

Vikingintraining · 24/05/2021 10:45

As someone who manages people in my workplace who are studying apprenticeships, I want to flag up that apprenticeships are a continuation of study. Your daughter is continuing her education as equal as your son. The fact that she is working and earning money is separate. If you said you would support through education then it should be the same support for both.
If your rules are more around earning and contributing then will your son be handing over 25% of any part time job too? That would be fair.
Also I would say don't put your daughter's contribution into savings, whether or not you tell her. I always think it's a bit patronising to save an adult child's money on their behalf. Teach her the value of saving and encourage her to put it into savings herself so she learns and appreciates the benefit of doing that. If you need her financial contribution to your household then accept it from her and spend it, if you don't need it then encourage her to save it herself. 12K is really not much salary at all!
(Disclaimer, I am also the resentful jealous middle child Hmm)

PaperbackRider · 24/05/2021 11:50

@BelleClapper

Yes. I started a thread with a worry.

I thought stuff through after reading the responses, realised I was worrying over nothing, and moved on. Laughed quite a lot at the nonsense about favouritism and cruelty tbh. Peak Mumsnet.

In other words you had a good idea you were doing it wrong, but ignored anyone who agreed and listened only to those who said it was fine, because then you could feel better about yourself without actually doing anything. And then you started having pops at anyone who only agreed with what you knew to be the case when you started the thread. Yes, Peak MN is right Hmm
Original poster
BelleClapper · 24/05/2021 12:04

You seem very angry. Do you think possibly it might be time to step away from the thread and have a camomile tea?

OP posts:
DreamingNow · 24/05/2021 12:08

@BelleClapper

Yes. I started a thread with a worry.

I thought stuff through after reading the responses, realised I was worrying over nothing, and moved on. Laughed quite a lot at the nonsense about favouritism and cruelty tbh. Peak Mumsnet.

I don't know... More people disagree with you than agree (69% saying YABU)....

Good to see that you think you are right and feeling comforted in your decision. But I fail to see the 'Peak MN' there Hmm

I mean if nearly 2/3 of people had told me I was clearly favouring one child over the other, It would have me at least think.

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