One at Uni, one at work…

[BelleClapper]

How do you square this without causing resentment?

Dd (17) is working full time on an apprenticeship course. We are charging her rent/keep/petrol equivalent to 25% of her take home.

DS (18) up until now was planning to leave college and get a job. He announced yesterday that he is now accepting the three University offers he got a while back. As an aside he’s just split up with his GF of two years who was absolutely definitely in no way the reason he wasn’t going…

So we will be in a position of taking money from DD and sending money to DS. Which has totally changed the dynamic. I’m really conscious of causing resentment from DD who already suffers a bit with middle child syndrome and jealousy.

If you’ve been in this situation what did you do? I want DD to contribute for lots of reasons, none of which go away just because DS now needs three more years of support.

@BelleClapper

Yes. I started a thread with a worry.

I thought stuff through after reading the responses, realised I was worrying over nothing, and moved on. Laughed quite a lot at the nonsense about favouritism and cruelty tbh. Peak Mumsnet.

Considering how many posters think you are right to worry it's a bit weird that the responses on here made you think what you are planning to do is fine and won't lead to resentment. It should be obvious that there is a good chance your DD may feel the same way when she's older so why would you feel less worried?

I mean if nearly 2/3 of people had told me I was clearly favouring one child over the other, It would have me at least think.

Yes, only 1/3 of adults think OP is reasonable and this leads OP to think that there is no need to worry about her DD resenting her in the future even though (in OP's words) she "already suffers a bit with middle child syndrome and jealousy."

Belladonna12
Once parents have decided to treat their children differently, their main focus is usually affirming the decision and finding ways to justify it.

To this day my parents think their different treatment across siblings at various points was fine, gave us useful financial lessons, and is the reason some of us have bought out own homes. It hasn't crossed their mind that when adult siblings discuss money or what support to offer our own DC, the consensus is that our parents were very selective on who and what to support.

There are a few things that do not sit right with me about this, the first when you said "who already suffers a bit with middle child syndrome and jealousy"....to me I read this as you devaluing her feelings, if she is showing signs of jealousy then there is clearly an issue already in the dynamics of the household....its not "middle child syndrome" it's your child telling you she feels less than, id be asking myself if there was something I was doing that could improve upon that instead of pawning it off as just jealousy.

I would then be asking myself is this worth risking my relationship with my daughter? Because if she is already feeling feelings of inadequacy then this could be a turning point in your relationship. There is absolutely no reason whatsoever why your son could not get a part-time job and equally contribute financially if you are so adamant about them paying their way.....to ask one child to pay and not the other while they are both pursuing higher education quite frankly grosses me out.

Children should be treated equally, that's it...end of. You're essentially punishing her for her chosen career path and creating a bigger divide then there already appears to be. Either charge them both or neither of them.

I would never charge my child on an apprenticeship, thats unfair but I dont get whole idea of charging your own child to live in their own home thing....my parents never did it for us

Just read its 25%, thats just harsh and unkind !

very harsh she is only 17

and you are her parents where else can she go? you are SUPPOSED to look after your CHILDREN- she is not an adult yet

honestly i don’t know why people have kids then expect them to pay just to live at home while they are children

can she not get the train / bus

Mine is 17 and there's no way on this earth I'd make her pay me to live in her own house on a low apprenticeship wage , shocking

There are a few things that do not sit right with me about this, the first when you said "who already suffers a bit with middle child syndrome and jealousy"....to me I read this as you devaluing her feelings, if she is showing signs of jealousy then there is clearly an issue already in the dynamics of the household....its not "middle child syndrome" it's your child telling you she feels less than, id be asking myself if there was something I was doing that could improve upon that instead of pawning it off as just jealousy.

I agree.
Regardless of this issue she feels left out and not as loved as the other siblings. Middle child syndrome is a pretty big deal I’d hate my DC to feel like I love them less than the others so I think you need to be doing something to resolve this and not just passing it off as jealousy.

I am terribly hungover as it was my best friend’s funeral yesterday but I will address some things.

Re middle child syndrome. Things like ‘why does DS2 (9yo) get Dairylea Lunchables bought for him’ ‘how come DS1 is allowed his GF to stay over and I’m not allowed BF (because you are fifteen years old right now)’

I’m not even arguing any more about the whole keep situation, she’s happy to pay.

I’ve had a marvellous idea, wait for it, I might just suggest to DS1 that he gets a job to pay his way through Uni, IDK, what do you all think?

I would do the same as you. My daughter is working full time and lives at home so she pays into the household. I’m on a low income myself so she understands she needs to do this as I have to pay more council tax etc having a second adult. However until she had this full time job I was helping her financially. It will be the same with her younger sisters. They will be supported until they are in work or out of education. We can’t treat our children equally, we have to treat them according to their situation.

Presumably if your son gets a better paying job on the back of uni and was at home he’d be paying more into the household. That said, I’ve always been on such a low income myself my children have always had part time/weekend jobs since they could in order to have money to pay for their cars (needed here) or leisure. I’d be expecting the one at uni to pay for himself as much as possible.

Do you know, in a thread of pretty shocking personal attacks on my parenting, morals, choices etc, that post has just about finished me off.

Do you feel good about that? Has it made you feel powerful, or clever? What did you get, personally, from posting that? A little frisson of smuggery? An inner pat on the back? Are you a better person for saying it?

Alright Marlon Brando.