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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

One at Uni, one at work…

937 replies

BelleClapper · 20/05/2021 12:23

How do you square this without causing resentment?

Dd (17) is working full time on an apprenticeship course. We are charging her rent/keep/petrol equivalent to 25% of her take home.

DS (18) up until now was planning to leave college and get a job. He announced yesterday that he is now accepting the three University offers he got a while back. As an aside he’s just split up with his GF of two years who was absolutely definitely in no way the reason he wasn’t going…

So we will be in a position of taking money from DD and sending money to DS. Which has totally changed the dynamic. I’m really conscious of causing resentment from DD who already suffers a bit with middle child syndrome and jealousy.

If you’ve been in this situation what did you do? I want DD to contribute for lots of reasons, none of which go away just because DS now needs three more years of support.

OP posts:
Bugbabe1970 · 21/05/2021 19:55

Oh and apprenticeships are the same as education really

Original poster
BelleClapper · 21/05/2021 19:55

I think I should have said in the first post (rather than hidden in subsequent posts) that OF COURSE we expect DS to work.

But I don’t anticipate he’ll earn enough to be completely self sufficient. Maybe he will, great if so. But we’re going into it expecting to have to send him money at least to start with.

Much like in order to facilitate DD working we drive for two hours everyday. Ooh look at us supporting our children in differing ways.

OP posts:
Comefromaway · 21/05/2021 19:58

I’ve just run the situation past 17 year old Ds who is the one likely to not go to university straight away whereas we are funding his sister to first attend dance college, then postgrad.

He was a bit unsure at first but said the working child should pay towards keep.

Bugbabe1970 · 21/05/2021 19:58

’m doing an apprenticeship currently, I still have to pay the mortgage

Neither here nor there OP
You'd have to pay the mortgage if DD went to Uni and you'd have to support her so 🤷‍♀️ it's a mute point

Fieldsofstars · 21/05/2021 20:06

Your attitude absolutely stinks op. I don’t even know why you bothered posting to ask to be honest when you’re oh so more important than everyone else’s opinion.

DreamingNow · 21/05/2021 20:08

Well if this thread has done one thing @BelleClapper, it has cemented your view that dd should pay.

My only comment on that is that you mentioned at the start that your dd is suffering from middle child syndrome and can feel hard done.
That makes me think you’ll neeed to communicate your choice in a way that makes sense to her. She is only 17yo afterall and not many 17yo are in that position anymore.

CoolCatTaco · 21/05/2021 20:13

You think you're very clever OP. Would've been smarter not to post your grabbiness on here and expect support. You haven't said anything to make me think you need her money so you just want it. So own it.

Eatdrinkbemerry · 21/05/2021 20:25

@BelleClapper

I’ve had a really good laugh at some of the responses you’ve had.

I am one of 4 siblings. Growing up both my eldest siblings went to university and were supported with rent and food and they worked to support themselves for the rest. DF also bought them a car to share.

My youngest sibling and I did not go to university and instead chose to work and stay at home. We both paid my dad a sum each month and never questioned it or felt any resentment towards our eldest siblings (we always had more money than them) I also used to do a shop occasionally.

My dad used to sit with me to show me what he was paying out so I knew where my portion was going. My dad could afford to pay everything but he wanted my brother and I to understand what your wage would be used for once we moved out. (And also he secretly hoped we would go to university)Grin

I then decided to go to university a few years later and my dad paid my fees as I chose to stay at home instead of live away. My youngest sibling also decided to go to university and once again my dad paid his rent and food and we both worked to spend money on ourselves.

I think that is more or less what you’re saying you would do if your DD decided to go to uni. In the meantime she is earning a decent wage and where you take money from her I would suggest you show her what you’re household outgoings are so she understands what her monthly input is doing.

CrankyFrankie · 21/05/2021 20:27

My parents did similar when my siblings and I were young adults and we didn’t think anything of it.

hparkins · 21/05/2021 20:30

tricky one.

on the surface, it seems that yes your daughter is earning so should be contributing. however, we all make choices and I dont think it is your daughters problem, nor should it be a point if it does come up, that your son will be worse off than her because he chose to go to uni. he could of gone down the same path as her and done an apprenticeship/job.

CrankyFrankie · 21/05/2021 20:37

I gave up reading. I’m sorry you even felt the need to keep defending yourself against these bonkers bastards!

Gilld69 · 21/05/2021 20:58

my sons at uni gets his loans and works part time hes never asked for a penny when hes home he pays £100 a month, obv when he works full time after uni that will go up , your son can get a part time job

Iseestupidpeople · 21/05/2021 20:59

If he chooses to go to work he can get a job and pay for his own stuff.

Iseestupidpeople · 21/05/2021 21:00

Go to uni not work. But he can bloody well work while at uni.

PrincessKaguya · 21/05/2021 21:02

Why don't you just ask her to pay for her own toiletries, takeaway etc and petrol that you use to drive her to work? That way she can LEARN (as you insist on that) how to manage her money and it won't be an issue of charging one DC and supporting another.

Subbaxeo · 21/05/2021 21:11

I’m paying most of my sons rent while he does his masters. He pays the rest and his living cost from money he saved while working 2 jobs while he was doing his degree. My daughter has worked through her degree and we’ve never charged her-especially as she’s still paying rent even tho at home due to Covid! But when she starts her adult job, we’ll expect a contribution while she lives at home. Otherwise, her salary becomes pocket money and although an adult, doesn’t develop adult responsibility. If she gets a job elsewhere she’ll have to pay far more than if she lived at home, so we don’t feel we’re being harsh. My son intends to get a job as soon as he finishes-he would have had a part time one if it wasn’t for the pandemic. If he comes back home, again, we’ll expect a contribution.
That’s our view-but tbh, it’s whatever works for your individual family and your individual values. In my view, she’s earning a salary, but your son is in fte and needs more support. She is still getting support in vastly reduced living costs .

TheLastLotus · 21/05/2021 21:38

@BelleClapper the marginal cost of an extra adult at home is low. If your daughter had chosen to go to uni she’d cost you a lot more. The apprenticeship is an education as opposed to an NMW job because an apprenticeship is supposed to train young people to go into a full-time profession. Nobody offers apprenticeships in being a waitress for example. So it is NOT the same as just a job.

Therefore the money your daughter has is irrelevant . The amount of money she costs you living at home is far less than what you’re going to give her brother for uni.

Taking money from her to pay her brother is thus unfair. If you can afford it you should keep the money for her as savings . If you cannot afford it you have no business giving your son money. He should get a part time job at uni.

TheLastLotus · 21/05/2021 21:41

Also to add - software engineering is a field with loads and loads of degree apprenticeships. If your son can’t afford uni he could always do one of those. He doesn’t have to go to uni on pain of death.

TheLastLotus · 21/05/2021 21:42

@CoolCatTaco exactly

Original poster
BelleClapper · 21/05/2021 21:48

Jesus fucking wept.

I’m not taking money from DD to give to DS. She has already been paying keep. DS has just (two days ago!) decided to pursue university as opposed to any other route.

We are expecting that he will work his way through, but are realistic about this. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but the global pandemic has had a bit of a knock on effect with hospitality/retail etc.

‘Nobody offers apprenticeships in waitressing’ well your mind would be blown by my course then.

OP posts:
Original poster
BelleClapper · 21/05/2021 21:49

Why is anyone saying whether he HAS to go or not? What the fuck are you actually talking about?

OP posts:
TheUndoingProject · 21/05/2021 21:57

I think you need to recognise that there is a very good chance your daughter will perceive this as unfair in the same way as many posters have done. I think your risking really damaging your relationship with her.

sbhydrogen · 21/05/2021 22:05

Holy crap, I've just looked up how student loans/maintenance grants work these days. What a farce.

Your son should go for an apprenticeship instead. Unless he's going into medicine, or possibly law, university seems a bit pointless.

RosaBudDrood · 21/05/2021 22:16

@CrankyFrankie

I gave up reading. I’m sorry you even felt the need to keep defending yourself against these bonkers bastards!
That sums it up well!
lakesidelife · 21/05/2021 22:22

Yup.