One at Uni, one at work…

[BelleClapper]

How do you square this without causing resentment?

Dd (17) is working full time on an apprenticeship course. We are charging her rent/keep/petrol equivalent to 25% of her take home.

DS (18) up until now was planning to leave college and get a job. He announced yesterday that he is now accepting the three University offers he got a while back. As an aside he’s just split up with his GF of two years who was absolutely definitely in no way the reason he wasn’t going…

So we will be in a position of taking money from DD and sending money to DS. Which has totally changed the dynamic. I’m really conscious of causing resentment from DD who already suffers a bit with middle child syndrome and jealousy.

If you’ve been in this situation what did you do? I want DD to contribute for lots of reasons, none of which go away just because DS now needs three more years of support.

@Twym886192

Your darling son can work full time between now and university to save up then work part time. My son budgets on less than £20 a week. I'll help every now and then by buying winter clothes or some kitchen utensils etc.... No reason why he can't work.

Taking 1/4 off her measly wage. After tax, NI and your cut, she'll have bugger all left.
Get her to pay for her mobile and maybe contribute to Netflix or broadband or something affordable.

And the rest is on you. She can buy own clothes, toiletries, pay own travel and lunch.

I'm not surprised she has middle child syndrome. She probably thinks her 1/4 is going to brother.

Apprenticeship is still a form of education in my view.

You don’t pay tax on a wage of £12k. And a 17 year old apprentice will be be on an H National insurance code so will be paying 2% instead of 12% (on anything over £800 per month).

I agree the (hopefully small amount of) money your DD gives you should be put in a savings account to be given back to her when she needs it. That way she can see the rewards of not spending all her wages. Also, your DS should be encouraged to find a job when he gets to uni.

Bard6817
My experience isn't as extreme as yours, but the take away lesson was very similar. It certainly didn't teach us life skills, the value of money, budgeting or whatever else was used to justify quite unequal treatment between children at various points.
Even into established adulthood, money is a tricky topic with one parent and I see their attitudes I the background of how grandchildren are treated.

I think we are about to be in a similar position to you, we have discussed income and decided that while living at home 40-50% of income should be saved each month, primarily to get used to living in a budget and also understanding that when they leave only a small potion of income would be available for fun stuff.

I think that's a good way of doing it and that's what I plan on doing with my DC. That way they learn to live on a budget but also will hopefully have a lump sum (deposit, car etc) when they choose to move out. The majority of my bills would be the same whether they lived here or not (apart from food ).

@Twym886192

Your darling son can work full time between now and university to save up then work part time. My son budgets on less than £20 a week. I'll help every now and then by buying winter clothes or some kitchen utensils etc.... No reason why he can't work.

Taking 1/4 off her measly wage. After tax, NI and your cut, she'll have bugger all left.
Get her to pay for her mobile and maybe contribute to Netflix or broadband or something affordable.

And the rest is on you. She can buy own clothes, toiletries, pay own travel and lunch.

I'm not surprised she has middle child syndrome. She probably thinks her 1/4 is going to brother.

Apprenticeship is still a form of education in my view.

She has just over £700 in her pocket after all deductions including the payment to us.

I pay her mobile (£25) and petrol costs to take her to and from work (and elsewhere) which comes to at least £100. I buy all food including lunches, all toiletries, and obviously all tv packages etc. We have a takeaway once a week which is about £15 pp. If we go out as a family we pay entrance/food etc.

So all in all £250 is about right based on what you think she should be paying for.

🤷‍♀️

@Usernameismyname01

Mine know that whilst in full time education, they do not contribute towards the house, once working (part time or full) the pay their keep.

Its not up for discussion, dont go there with your DD - if it gets mentioned, tell her as a matter of fact and that if she chose to carry on with her education you would support.

This.

Can you arrange for him to contribute in kind as well as getting a job so he is earning a little money? If he has no cash to contribute to the household then he could cook, clean, garden and so on for his contribution. Provided he does more than his sister then that should make her feel its fairer?

Sorry, just over £750.

Not quite same position as you, we have an 18 year old who is doing an apprentiship and a 17 year old in sixth form., the 17 year old wants to go to uni after doing a foundation year. We don’t take any money from the 18 year old, she is saving loads in an house building ilsa and because of that we are quite happy not taking any money off her, We class the apprentiship the same as staying in education, once she has finished her apprentiship we will take money off her. We are happy that she is saving money at the moment that she can use for a deposit for a house. However, she does pay her way, she buys all her toiletries etc and does treat us every now and then, will buy takeaways for us all etc.

I'd look at it from the point of view that dd will have no debt and she will still be enjoying being able to spend the monies she's earning and your ds will have at least 13k of debt which he will be paying back throughout his life. Financially going forward your dd will be in a better financial situation for a few years. I would definitely save the money she contributes and let her have this back when she is looking to buy a house etc. It's important that the parental support is equal.

My friend was in a similar situation where one of her girls went to Cambridge the other 2 years younger gained a very good apprenticeship at JLR. Whilst the Cambridge graduate has a very good job now, the younger one will be financially much better off without having the debt and she's also gone into an apprenticeship that will have the same sort of earnings as her older sister.

I think it’s the way you worded it a bit, like you’re trying to justify it plus I didn’t see all of your replies.

I was thinking from my point of view with children similar ages, girl & boy too!
If your daughter is happy with the situation and how much she’s paying then what does it matter? Just explain how you did here in your later replies. If it’s right for your family then do it, you asked for opinions and got a mixture but ultimately it’s down to you and what suits your family.

I would still encourage son to get a job before uni in September though.

That should have read 13k debt a year... So in the region of 40k when he finishes uni.

And when I say justify I don’t mean that you have to justify it, that’s just how it looked at first.

On a different note, we have one kid at private school and the older one didn’t get that as an option…. We will even out the 130k when the older one needs it for a deposit. That was the lesson i truly learnt, be even.

See, but this is where I struggle with the idea that all is fair and dandy so long as they get the same amount of money spent - did the child who won't get £130k understand that they were giving that up if they went to private school? Were they old enough to make an informed choice? What if they end up not earning much, even if they had a more expensive education? Because I know a lot of people who went to private school and very few of them wouldn't swap it for £130k in cash now... I think lots of people wouldn't consider that fair at all, and plenty would resent it.

I think there are a lot of people on this thread who think that you can eliminate sibling rivalry or any feeling of unfairness by spending penny for penny the same, but it really isn't that easy.

I can see why she already suffers a bit with middle child syndrome and jealousy.

I mean charge her some token amount.

Or pay it into an account for her to have later. (no "we might" about it).

I suspect that you also pay for your DS's toiletries and to get driven about and his phone?

At one point all of us were living at home. One of us had graduated from uni in a decent graduate job, one of us were working a minimum wage job and I was in uni. The two that were working paid rent and I paid nothing even though I did get student loans and it didn't really cause any trouble between us all. It was mentioned once but mum pointed out that they hadn't had to pay when they were in education (and she'd let the one on the minimum wage job not pay until the other one in uni graduated and moved home so there was time to save a bit) and there wasn't any issues with it at all. I think it helps that I was the baby of the family and there was an understanding that I would be paying when I began work.

I’d feel pretty bad that your dd is being charged 25% when she’s on a low income and technically still being educated. In my opinion it’s not really any different to your dad picking up part time work while he’s at uni. As a compromise you could still charge as you don’t want to go back on what you said and it is good to learn to budget and not have all your income etc but maybe you could save it for her?

Supporting ds while he’s a uni but also helping dd out for when she’s finished her apprenticeship and in a position to earn better money she will have some money behind her to get her started.

My brother and I were the other way round, I went off to do a degree and he stayed home and went to college and worked (I'm the oldest as well and similar age gap by the looks of things).

He has to pay rent/board to my parents while I got top ups. My brother was fine with it and wanted to pay board/rent.

I moved back in after my degree and had to pay board/rent for awhile until I moved out.

10 years on I have a slightly rawer deal as I'm living independently with my 6yo DD while he lives at home with a huge disposable income but it hasn't affected our relationship and neither of us resents the other. If I ever need financial help now I go to my brother, not anyone else.

It all balances out in the end. Our parents never favoured one of us over the other and we're perfectly happy and fine adults.

YANBU @BelleClapper

There is some absolute weirdness here about apprenticeships.

It’s full time work. For a full time wage. The only difference between it and a job is that you work with a third party company who deliver about an hours specific training every two weeks, you do some online modules, and have an end point assessment.

Which isn’t much different to the on the job learning you do in most entry level jobs.

My brother was an apprentice at 17 but earning £23k, he’s currently doing his degree through the same company/scheme. He’s mid twenties and has just bought a flat. But wait, surely he’s still in education and should have been living at home rent free?

I think you’re being really unfair personally.
Your daughter is doing an apprenticeship and you’re taking money from her, but it’s ok for your son to make a decision to go to uni and you’ll send money to him?

It doesn’t make any sense to me at all.

‘ He’s mid twenties and has just bought a flat. But wait, surely he’s still in education and should have been living at home rent free?’

Well according to your standards you’d be sending him money because he’s at university level. 🙄

OP I think some people’s views are based on the fact you’ve come on here to get balanced views but you’ve not taken any on board. Or even reached a compromise based on everyone’s opinions.

If you were definitely planning to charge your DD and give your DS money then why come on here to get opinions on what you should be doing when you’ve already made up your mind?

@Fieldsofstars

‘ He’s mid twenties and has just bought a flat. But wait, surely he’s still in education and should have been living at home rent free?’

Well according to your standards you’d be sending him money because he’s at university level. 🙄

Er what?

He is working full time. While also earning a degree. On an apprenticeship.

The responses on this thread make less and less sense. I’m not planning on sending DS money just because he’s doing a degree, for fucks actual sake.

My DD still lives at home at 25, she earns 9.50 an hour and has been paying 80 per month since 18 when she started work. I don’t desperately need the money but she needs to contribute to the household bills, why should it be free? She started on an apprentice wage too, I have just never increased what I ask for. I think it’s two different situations with your DCs and I’m sure they will accept that.

@toocold54

OP I think some people’s views are based on the fact you’ve come on here to get balanced views but you’ve not taken any on board. Or even reached a compromise based on everyone’s opinions.

If you were definitely planning to charge your DD and give your DS money then why come on here to get opinions on what you should be doing when you’ve already made up your mind?

Actually I asked how to square it. Because my knee jerk was that it was unfair.

And within a few posts I had it squared away with the common sense that I am supporting them both in different ways.

It helped me make sense of it.

The whole family is happy with the planned situation but I’ve released the kraken of a Mumsnet pile on from people who selectively read some bits and completely make up other bits. ‘‘Twas ever thus on here.