One at Uni, one at work…

[BelleClapper]

How do you square this without causing resentment?

Dd (17) is working full time on an apprenticeship course. We are charging her rent/keep/petrol equivalent to 25% of her take home.

DS (18) up until now was planning to leave college and get a job. He announced yesterday that he is now accepting the three University offers he got a while back. As an aside he’s just split up with his GF of two years who was absolutely definitely in no way the reason he wasn’t going…

So we will be in a position of taking money from DD and sending money to DS. Which has totally changed the dynamic. I’m really conscious of causing resentment from DD who already suffers a bit with middle child syndrome and jealousy.

If you’ve been in this situation what did you do? I want DD to contribute for lots of reasons, none of which go away just because DS now needs three more years of support.

My son went to uni and I didn't send him a penny. A/ because he didn't need it B/ isn't that what the grant is for?

Your DS will have to learn to live within their means as DD will be doing.

Actually educating her about the value of money and importance of saving (for the home comforts, deposit, mortgage etc) and helping to set up savings goals for when she's older/moves out is another approach which might be better? Especially if you don't need the money you get from her.

This way it creates independence to organise her own finances whilst she is in control of her money which she works hard for just as you do. Young people now days need every helping hand to manage to get a house/car etc.

@Lulu49

YANBU belleclapper the one working should be paying rent, of course she should. presumably she could have chosen the uni route? Her choice. She’s not on low wages for an apprenticeship. You are being fair, being fair doesn’t mean treating both the same regardless. If she had decided to go to uni you would have done the same for her and if he had chosen to work you would have charged him rent. She has the choice if she doesn’t want to live according to your rules, she can vote with her feet and soon see how much it REALLY costs in the big wide world.

Thank you. I should say that DD is perfectly happy with the arrangement, it was me who was worried about resentment etc but she couldn’t care less.

They are good kids.

@BelleClapper

It sounds like your taking her money to give to her and in your replies it does seem like you’re full of excuses for him and she has to just suck it up? I might be wrong maybe I read it wrong, I don’t want to offend you.

I really can’t see where I’m making excuses for him. We are expecting him to get a job, until a couple of days ago we were expecting him to work full time.

People have run away with weird assumptions that poor Cinderella-like DD has to work to pay the rent she owes while Golden Boy DS gets a fully free ride through life. I’ve never said anything amounting to that.

I think we are about to be in a similar position to you, we have discussed income and decided that while living at home 40-50% of income should be saved each month, primarily to get used to living in a budget and also understanding that when they leave only a small potion of income would be available for fun stuff.

I don't think we are saying that they can't touch the money they save but learning to manage money is a key adult lifeskill.

Just noticed you said maintenance grant only covers ⅔ of rent! Where's he hoping to rent?? My boy shared with 3 others and ate and drank perfectly well on the grant (first year in halls, second and third year in a private house).

@Owesye

I’m blown away you’re charging when she’s on £12k a year! Seems really mean and unfair. They’ve got plenty of time in life to pay rent and mortgages and bills m. Glad my parents doesn’t have this thought process!

I'm on 12k a year and am living independently, paying rent, bills, food shop and commute costs. Paying a percentage of her wages is only help OPs DD learn to manage her money and giving her a taste of real life which will be invaluable to her when she decides to move out and live independently or with a spouse.

It is for all of these reasons that I disagree with sending money to DS, at least on an on going basis. I'd advise OP to tell DS to get a part time job whilst at uni, that along side student loans should be enough for him to live on (it is for thousands of other students) and will teach him all the same skills and lessons that DD is learning because she is paying her way.
DD is on an apprenticeship, which means that she's studying whilst she is working, so I don't see how DS getting a job whilst at uni is any different.
So if I was in DD's shoes, I'd probably be a little sore. It would be one think if he was living at home rent free whilst at uni, but if you're actively sending him money whilst charging her then I do think that is unfair.

Maybe you should sit down with DS and come up with an agreement that you will support him financially for a X weeks so that he has time to settle in to uni and find a job before he has to support himself.

@peppermintpat

Just noticed you said maintenance grant only covers ⅔ of rent! Where's he hoping to rent?? My boy shared with 3 others and ate and drank perfectly well on the grant (first year in halls, second and third year in a private house).

Halls are c£6.5k

And the grant/loan is £4422.

YANBU, they have chosen different career paths and DD will be earning throughout her apprenticeship, on a decent wage, with hopefully a good salary at the end of it, while DS won't earn a penny for a further 3 years.

DS should be encourage to get a job to subsidise himself and you can send him something if you can afford it.

It doesn't mean that you shouldn't charge DD, her living expenses will probably work out cheaper than DS's anyway.

My mum charged me rent when i started working full-time and unbeknowntome kept it in a bank account for when i needed it for buying a house. I plan on doing this for our sons when the time comes if they live with us when start working.

My two DS both went to uni, one lived at home and the other away. Obviously we had to subsidise the "away" one whilst the other lived rent free at home. In fact DS who lived away saved quite a lot of money before he went and used all his student loans, he's now in his mid 30's and has only just paid them back. The other lived a boring life at home (his choice) but has always been debt free. There was never any mention of unfairness about this.
Personally I think the one who lived away made the most of his opportunities and I don't resent paying for everything. I'd have been equally happy to pay for the other one to go, but he chose not to.
Like the OP I've always regarded them as entirely separate decisions

I think this just goes to show OP there is no right or wrong way to do things, and someone will always think whatever you do you’re doing it wrong.

Your darling son can work full time between now and university to save up then work part time. My son budgets on less than £20 a week. I'll help every now and then by buying winter clothes or some kitchen utensils etc.... No reason why he can't work.

Taking 1/4 off her measly wage. After tax, NI and your cut, she'll have bugger all left.
Get her to pay for her mobile and maybe contribute to Netflix or broadband or something affordable.

And the rest is on you. She can buy own clothes, toiletries, pay own travel and lunch.

I'm not surprised she has middle child syndrome. She probably thinks her 1/4 is going to brother.

Apprenticeship is still a form of education in my view.

Take the money she pays and put on a saving account for when she wants to get her own place. It is unfair to support one while charging the other to live at home

The only thing I would make sure is that the day money comes in from DD it doesn't go out to DS on the same day and isn't the same amount

It doesn't matter if you give DS more than DD pays you, or if you give him less but if it's the same amount, especially if the same day, it does make it feel like it's her paying him, whereas if she pays you £250 at the start of each month and he gets £200 or £300 at the end of each month it doesn't feel quite as same as if on the first £250 comes out of DDs bank account and £250 goes into DSs - even if it does go via you first

Why not continue to take the money and put it into a savings account for your daughter?

With regards to your son, don’t send him money send him a weekly shop via Tesco, Asda or something. If he wants beer money he can get a part time job

Presumably if DD is on apprenticeship she's not earning much. I would not take any money off her.

I find it really strange and distasteful for parents to be charging money of their young adult children. I'm From mainland Europe, so it's probably cultural. You want to be helping your kids save at this point in their lives, not using them to pay off bills etc. (unless the money goes to a savings or investment account for them. Also of course this assertion is if you aren't struggling as a family, thats another story ) There r other ways to teach children money management.

I am the eldest and when I started work my parents decided that I could keep what my monthly bus pass cost plus an amount for lunches on work days and then I paid 50% of the remainder. They decided this was the fairest way as the same formula could be applied to my siblings.
I was in a similar situation that I was contributing and my sister went off to uni and my parents had to support her. I never even thought that I shouldn’t have to pay. I had left home by the time my brother was working but I have always assumed that the formula was applied (but never asked) and my sister never returned after uni.

@cherish123

Presumably if DD is on apprenticeship she's not earning much. I would not take any money off her.

She’s on take home pay of £12k a year.

Have to laugh at all the posters saying "oh, he can just get a job".

Wonder where they think all these jobs are given COVID has decimated retail and hospitality.

@Nearly47

Take the money she pays and put on a saving account for when she wants to get her own place. It is unfair to support one while charging the other to live at home

What would be your take if there was a bigger age gap? So DS went off to uni and was supported then went to work then DD leaves school/college and goes to work. Should parents subsidise this choice and let them live rent free and possibly even give money for as long as an older sibling was supported at uni?

Op, you are treating both of your children fine. Children need different things at different times in their life. It is not wrong to treat your children as they need at the point in their life they are at.

Is the 12 k gross or net OP? Either way £250 per month is a lot to charge a 17 year old who is also in education.

I advise you alter it to £150 a month and ask her to commit to saving £100 for a deposit or car etc. You can’t ignore the fact that her brothers decision to now attend uni has impacted on your original plans for DDs rent and complicated the situation and you need to focus on equal treatment to avoid future resentments.

@UrAWizHarry

Have to laugh at all the posters saying "oh, he can just get a job".

Wonder where they think all these jobs are given COVID has decimated retail and hospitality.

And all the posters saying their kids managed on their grant alone (what grant they were abolished) obviously had kids who were entitled to more student finance than the OP’s son.

I was the kid who was charged like that, a third of my take home. It was presented as a non negotiable, i paid it, it taught me some lessons about managing money.

I left home, unrelated reasons about a year later.

Younger sibling, got my old room as a sitting room, with doorway knocked through to her bedroom. My stuff was given away. She was never charged anything.

For me, it was part of a transactional relationship with my family, and in the end, i had nothing to do with them. Mum died about 5 years ago, i went to funeral. Dad is alive, somewhere. Sister reaches out occassionally, to remind me i have two nieces, but as i keep telling her, my upbringing was different to hers and i really don’t consider myself to have close family, i wish her and her family well, but i don’t consider them family.

I don’t want any of the inheritance, thankfully i became financially wealthy myself and taking few hundred k at some point feels wrong because i really don’t consider them family.

Not the same situation i hope, but the money lesson i was taught, wasn’t about budgeting, managing it, investing it, it was just transactional.

Hope you are better parents than i had.

On a different note, we have one kid at private school and the older one didn’t get that as an option…. We will even out the 130k when the older one needs it for a deposit. That was the lesson i truly learnt, be even.