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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

One at Uni, one at work…

937 replies

BelleClapper · 20/05/2021 12:23

How do you square this without causing resentment?

Dd (17) is working full time on an apprenticeship course. We are charging her rent/keep/petrol equivalent to 25% of her take home.

DS (18) up until now was planning to leave college and get a job. He announced yesterday that he is now accepting the three University offers he got a while back. As an aside he’s just split up with his GF of two years who was absolutely definitely in no way the reason he wasn’t going…

So we will be in a position of taking money from DD and sending money to DS. Which has totally changed the dynamic. I’m really conscious of causing resentment from DD who already suffers a bit with middle child syndrome and jealousy.

If you’ve been in this situation what did you do? I want DD to contribute for lots of reasons, none of which go away just because DS now needs three more years of support.

OP posts:
Kyph · 21/05/2021 11:37

MN is bonkers when it comes to older teens. Threads like these are always divided into those who will happily support their DC into adulthood and those who think they should be self supporting at 16.
Often posters whose own parents did not help them out are the most vociferous about "independence " and "learning to contribute ". As if they resent it when youngsters have more generous parents than they had.

Parenting more than one child means you know that all DC are different, you cannot treat them exactly the same but you can try to be fair.
In my case I was given zero financial help from my parents but it made me go the opposite way. My DC were fully supported through uni, they earned a little in summer but I didn't take it into account. When they graduated they lived at home for a year, I nevertook any money off them and they saved a lot. Both now fully independent away from home. They weren't incapable of managing or budgeting just because I didn't take rent from them.
All this of course depends on your financial situation.

I think you probably have it about right OP. You may find in the future that the tables turn and one needs more help than the other.

ElizabethTudor · 21/05/2021 11:39

@BelleClapper

Ideally he’ll get a weekend job and then we’ll just be topping up, but I can’t guarantee that.
I don’t think there should be any ‘ideally’ about it. I’d be saying to DS that you expect him to get a part-time job whilst at uni.
Comefromaway · 21/05/2021 11:40

My daughter chose to buy her own clothes and extra fancier toiletries so I worked it out and at 17 she had £35 per week to spend on herself (plus £20 from a part time job)

Belladonna12 · 21/05/2021 11:40

@Comefromaway

The difference being that my 17 year old at college for example has £15 per week to spend on himself (clothes and toiletries are bought for him).

OP's dd will have approx £170 per week to spend on herself.

And therefore she should be strongly encouraged to save it as she will need it in the future.
Belladonna12 · 21/05/2021 11:48

@UrAWizHarry

Most 17 year olds are not taking home 1k a month. Good luck to anyone who thinks they could cover all their bills for £250 away from their parent's home. She still has £750 left over to do with as she wants, including saving.

She's being subsidised, her brother is being subsidised. She has the same opportunity to go to university if she so desires. Seems entirely fair to me.

Just because it would cost more to live away from her parent's home doesn't mean she is being subsidised. I would have thought £250 would cover most of the extra cost of her living in the house. Mortgage and utilities would be paid whether she lives there were not so apart from food and some petrol what are the extra costs? OP might be subsidising her a bit but it can't be by that much.
Comefromaway · 21/05/2021 11:50

£120 per week is what dd paid to live with another family in their home.

When she left they upped it to £130.

Belladonna12 · 21/05/2021 11:53

@Comefromaway

£120 per week is what dd paid to live with another family in their home.

When she left they upped it to £130.

The other family may have been making a profit out of it though. It doesn't really mean that is the extra cost.
NCtilidie · 21/05/2021 11:59

I don't think you're being unreasonable OP, especially as you'll be saving it for her.

They've taken different paths, equality means giving them both a good start. In her case you're spending 40+ hours a month driving her around, giving her a car and teaching her about budgeting whilst putting cash aside for her. 60 quid a week for room and board is not expensive!!

For your son it's topping up his maintenance so he can actually finish his degree. And you've said if/when DD goes to uni you will do the same.

I do think some of the attitudes on here are mind boggling.

NCtilidie · 21/05/2021 12:00

And no not many 17 year olds pay rent but nearly none of them have £750 after all bills and food leftover. She's going to feel rich!

looptheloopinahulahoop · 21/05/2021 12:34

I don’t think there should be any ‘ideally’ about it. I’d be saying to DS that you expect him to get a part-time job whilst at uni

I agree - a few weeks ago I would have said that you would be unreasonable to expect it, given the lack of suitable jobs, but it looks like there are plenty of jobs around now. That said, if a university city has 10,000 students, query whether there is a part-time job available for all of them! So being realistic is important I think.

PaperbackRider · 21/05/2021 12:40

Threads like these are always divided into those who will happily support their DC into adulthood and those who think they should be self supporting at 16

You seem to have missed the sensible people who think charging children to live at home is not ok but that it might well be when they are adults. An opinion I would imagine is shared by almost everyone not onn MN.

Member984815 · 21/05/2021 12:59

I think it might cause resentment

Morethanwordsonapage · 21/05/2021 13:10

I always had to pay board, even when I earned a low apprenticeship wage. Resented it at the time but got used to it. Then when I later went to uni (4 years later than the normal age) I was completely self sufficient (with student loan) and had part time jobs. I was stunned when other students had their parents paying their rent and phone bills for example. One of those friends even now is awful with money. Got into trouble over council tax in a house share...never budgets, always has someone to bail her out. I wouldn’t want to instill that in my child really, so I agree OP with what you’re doing.

LolaSmiles · 21/05/2021 13:54

Threads like these are always divided into those who will happily support their DC into adulthood and those who think they should be self supporting at 16
I don't think it's as black and white as that.
I don't have an age where I say that is definitive age for no parental support, but I strongly believe parents should be fair and that it's categorically wrong to be charging a minor to live at home unless the family financial situation genuinely required it (especially if the attitude seems to be that the child should be grateful for the cushtie life they have, look at all the home comforts they have that the parent would otherwise be paying for).

I saw the selective levels of financial support given across my siblings at various times from late teens to early adulthood. I have no doubt my parents would claim they were teaching us life lessons, making us good with money, it really didn't. It highlighted existing patterns in favouritism that parents would deny existed, and has influenced some adult relationships.

ForThePurposeOfTheTape · 21/05/2021 15:58

Threads like these are always divided into those who will happily support their DC into adulthood and those who think they should be self supporting at 16

I suspect that if dd did her apprenticeship then decided at age 21 to do further study at uni then OP would help her financially as she'd get a smaller loan.

Bibidy · 21/05/2021 16:50

Threads like these are always divided into those who will happily support their DC into adulthood and those who think they should be self supporting at 16

I just don't really get the outrage over it. My parents never asked me to pay any board and I appreciated that, but several of my friends did pay their parents each month. Neither was unusual and for those parents who did get their kids to pay it certainly wasn't an indication that they expected them to be self sufficient at 16. In fact most of them still had everything done for them (dinners, washing, cleaning, tidying) whilst paying so it certainly wasn't done to make them look after themselves completely.

I think if someone is earning a FT wage then it's totally fair if parents want to ask for a contribution, for whatever reason. It's also fine if they don't. I don't think there's a wrong or right here really, and I definitely don't think that just because you are assisting one child who's currently in a situation where he needs it means that you automatically have to change the arrangement with another who is working full-time.

Bibidy · 21/05/2021 16:54

Ps. My dad did, however, march me out of the door when I was 17 and 'encouraged' me (strongly!) to get a part-time job so that they didn't need to give me spending money anymore, or pay for my phone, clothes, car, make-up, social events etc. Which probably amounted to similar to what my friends were paying in board, and some of them were still having their big expenses like cars paid for.

Different strokes! At some point you have to start fending for yourself financially in at least some respects.

Hertsgirl10 · 21/05/2021 17:46

Has he not worked up I till now? My daughter just finished a 2 year college course and works 20 hours a week. She pays for the stuff that she needs herself.
All of the girls in the college work at least 20 hours a week.

My son has a job to start when he’s 16 next months and has a full time college course to start in September. It can be done.

He can work and go to uni, most people do this.

It sounds like your taking her money to give to her and in your replies it does seem like you’re full of excuses for him and she has to just suck it up? I might be wrong maybe I read it wrong, I don’t want to offend you.

My daughter is on the same wage as yours a year and she pays her driving lessons, saves 200 a month and the rest she buys clothes, take aways, nights out ect. She does dip into her savings now and then but that’s up to her.

Hertsgirl10 · 21/05/2021 17:47

Also if doing an apprenticeship then she is still in education? She’s still learning.

Weareallvirgins · 21/05/2021 17:52

@BelleClapper why cant your uni child (sorry adult) get a job whilst at uni.....

Original poster
BelleClapper · 21/05/2021 17:52

It sounds like your taking her money to give to her and in your replies it does seem like you’re full of excuses for him and she has to just suck it up? I might be wrong maybe I read it wrong, I don’t want to offend you.

I really can’t see where I’m making excuses for him. We are expecting him to get a job, until a couple of days ago we were expecting him to work full time.

People have run away with weird assumptions that poor Cinderella-like DD has to work to pay the rent she owes while Golden Boy DS gets a fully free ride through life. I’ve never said anything amounting to that.

OP posts:
Original poster
BelleClapper · 21/05/2021 17:53

Honestly this whole thread has gone a bit batshit with assumptions and projection.

OP posts:
Toomuchtrouble4me · 21/05/2021 17:53

Why does he need support? He can get a loan and a job?

Lulu49 · 21/05/2021 17:54

YANBU belleclapper the one working should be paying rent, of course she should. presumably she could have chosen the uni route? Her choice. She’s not on low wages for an apprenticeship. You are being fair, being fair doesn’t mean treating both the same regardless. If she had decided to go to uni you would have done the same for her and if he had chosen to work you would have charged him rent. She has the choice if she doesn’t want to live according to your rules, she can vote with her feet and soon see how much it REALLY costs in the big wide world.

Comefromaway · 21/05/2021 17:55

@Toomuchtrouble4me

Why does he need support? He can get a loan and a job?
Is this the latest cancel the cheque.