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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

One at Uni, one at work…

937 replies

BelleClapper · 20/05/2021 12:23

How do you square this without causing resentment?

Dd (17) is working full time on an apprenticeship course. We are charging her rent/keep/petrol equivalent to 25% of her take home.

DS (18) up until now was planning to leave college and get a job. He announced yesterday that he is now accepting the three University offers he got a while back. As an aside he’s just split up with his GF of two years who was absolutely definitely in no way the reason he wasn’t going…

So we will be in a position of taking money from DD and sending money to DS. Which has totally changed the dynamic. I’m really conscious of causing resentment from DD who already suffers a bit with middle child syndrome and jealousy.

If you’ve been in this situation what did you do? I want DD to contribute for lots of reasons, none of which go away just because DS now needs three more years of support.

OP posts:
Belladonna12 · 20/05/2021 18:29

@saraclara

Put the rent in a savings account is the new cancel the cheque.

FFS, read the OP's posts. That's what she's doing. DD just doesn't know it.

She said that "ideally" she would save the money but it doesn't seem that she has definitely decided . And what's the point of keeping it a secret apart from the fact that she can change her mind, of course. It's not going to do anything to reduce resentment if the DD doesn't know about it.
netstaller · 20/05/2021 18:30

I would put away the money your daughter is giving you to give back to her at a later point when she needs it ie for a house. Otherwise it's very unfair

Voomster953 · 20/05/2021 18:32

Just here to add that I can’t imagine why your DD has ‘middle child syndrome and jealousy’. 🙄

Puddstalk · 20/05/2021 18:49

I don’t really think taking money from your DD is ideal - she is effectively still in education - but how about calculating how much you are paying to support your DS and (depending on the level of support) reduce her “rent” by that much or add the excess to a savings fund for her.

CutieBear · 20/05/2021 18:52

@BelleClapper We said £200 for keep/food, and £50 for petrol (we take her to and from, hour round trip each way).

Is this £250 charge per month so £62.50 a week? I think you’re really grabby for charging your DD whilst she is studying (apprenticeship) and on a really low wage. She’s not even an adult yet.

You should just ask her to contribute to food if you all eat as a family. Don’t charge her for board or petrol. Why don’t you pay for her travel pass for public transport if you’re so concerned about driving her to and from where she is studying?

NeverForgetYourDreams · 20/05/2021 18:55

She should give you the petrol money and then be encouraged to save the other £200 a month into a savings account. This will give her responsibility for money still. And she will be saving up a nice deposit to move out and rent a flat when she finishes education which is what an apprenticeship is

We've said we won't expect any money whilst DS doing apprenticeship because we pay for him now aged 15 and nothing will change financially for us - he won't cost more just because he's 17.

Your DD is subsidizing your DS if you continue to take money.

NeverForgetYourDreams · 20/05/2021 18:58

@BelleClapper

Our mortgage and bills are 3k and that’s without factoring in food.
You've been paying that when she was under 16 and nothing has changed for you so she should be encouraged to save money herself so she can move out and not subsidize her brother and your mortgage
LolaSmiles · 20/05/2021 19:01

NeverForgetYourDreams
Valid point. Who charges a minor to live at home?
The OP's £3000 a month bills are not the responsibility of a child doing an apprenticeship.

LuaDipa · 20/05/2021 19:11

@Planty13

I would only take money off DD if you will 100% put it aside for her. The thought that she is essentially topping up her brothers Uni income isn’t comfortable with me. He needs to get a job as well. They are both still in education.
Absolutely agree with this.

My opinion on children paying board differs to most on here, but even if I did agree with it, I would feel very uncomfortable accepting money from either of my kids when they are still children.

This also stood out to me:

I’m really conscious of causing resentment from DD who already suffers a bit with middle child syndrome and jealousy.

Your dd has sought out an apprenticeship and is working hard and you immediately begin taking money from her. Her older db very nearly decides to throw his future away on a teenage girlfriend, and then when he finally wises up has you falling over yourself to support him. It seems very much as though you value him more than her (or at least university more than her apprenticeship). As an outsider this whole setup seems very unfair and I can see why your dd feels the way she does.

Comefromaway · 20/05/2021 19:12

@NeverForgetYourDreams

She should give you the petrol money and then be encouraged to save the other £200 a month into a savings account. This will give her responsibility for money still. And she will be saving up a nice deposit to move out and rent a flat when she finishes education which is what an apprenticeship is

We've said we won't expect any money whilst DS doing apprenticeship because we pay for him now aged 15 and nothing will change financially for us - he won't cost more just because he's 17.

Your DD is subsidizing your DS if you continue to take money.

He will, you will lose his child benefit because he’s earning a wage.
Newmumatlast · 20/05/2021 19:15

Personally I would be uncomfortable about what you're doing, charging her and paying for him. It isnt fair and an apprenticeship is a form of education. And shes actually doing you a favour by not needing as much contribution.

I would try and even it up like this.

  1. tell my son he needs to get a job to support himself through uni to pay towards some bills. This is effectively what your daughter is doing.
  1. I would still send son money to top up his earnings.
  1. I would continue to charge daughter board etc. Son is working to pay for his expenses and so is she.
  1. I would save the same amount of money I'm sending him a month for her.

He may feel annoyed that she gets savings for a house or something and his help from you goes to his degree/expenses but that's his life choice. He has the potential to earn more through his degree (or else, if he's doing a degree that wont improve his earning potential than all that's a choice that's on him anyway consequence wise just as her decision not to go and to do an apprenticeship instead is).

At the end of the day you're then investing the same monetary cost in them both.

WhyNotNow21 · 20/05/2021 19:16

So there's nothing in it is there.

Your DS as a software engineer will earn far more over a life-time than your DD.

You've already set it up that she'll be poorer than him.

Why not allow her to keep 25% more than him, seeing as she'll be fighting to earn that 25% more than him for the rest of her life, not just because as a teacher she'll earn less but as a woman she'll earn less too. Patriarchy right there.

Personally I think you're mad!

You're so focused on the nuts and bolts and minutae of a penny here and a penny there you don't see the bigger picture at all. Sad for your DD.

Runnerduck34 · 20/05/2021 19:18

It will cause resentment if you collect housekeeping from DD and hand out money to support DS - dont do it.
I am in similar situation, not saying what I do is ideal but-
DD at uni with minimum maintenance loan that doesn't even cover rent we pay her rent, she lives off maintenance loan.
DS apprenticeship, low wage, we dont charge him any rent and we feed him, we will occasionally buy him something like a good winter coat, he runs his car ( petrol and insurance are expensive) pays for his phone, buys his clothes etc and we dont give him money -although i did pay for his dentist and picked up and paid for prescriptions as these no longer free and I want to ensure he has them.

TheLastLotus · 20/05/2021 20:02

Just ensure that they both have the same amount of cash in hand - with BOTH working as much as they can.
If your son moves home and gets a higher earning job - are you going to charge him more than your daughter to even it out?

qualitygirl · 20/05/2021 20:12

@Comefromaway maybe @NeverForgetYourDreams doesn't get child benefit??

Brefugee · 20/05/2021 20:16

we looked at apprenticeship the same way we look at education: I had one apprentice and one student at home. (apprentice has finished now and moved out). We didn't charge either of them, and the student has no job and no income so she can't pay anyway.

But if they finish uni and are still here, or stop being a student or whatever, they'll have to make a small contribution (and since we are in the privileged position of not actually needing that I'll probably stuff it in a savings account)

I guess it depends on the family finances but it does seem hugely unfair on your DD

999Alex · 20/05/2021 20:19

25% of her take home pay seems a lot.

It really doesn't seem fair taking money off your daughter and then giving money to tour son. It's a tough one. Personally I wouldn't take any money off her in this situation. However if she was spending it on crap and not really saving or spending it wisely then I'd def take some. So driving lessons, getting a car maybe saving for a holiday etc I wouldn't mind. If she is buying designer make up, constant new clothes, takeaways, expensive nights out (when permitted) I wouldn't be best pleased.

Brefugee · 20/05/2021 20:26

OP won't be getting child benefit for 17 year old apprentice either. Because an apprenticeship isn't officially classed as education despite what everyone here says, it's classed as a job

also that is because the UK is weird about apprenticeships. In Germany they are highly regulated and highly thought of. And they are education. So you get your child benefit if your child lives at home and is in full time education/apprenticeship.

TolkiensFallow · 20/05/2021 20:29

So your daughter is earning £12k and you charge 25% rent.
When your son finishing uni and starts on £25k or more will you also charge him 25% or will precious first born get charged a lower percentage so that it’s “fair” ... no wonder she has middle child syndrome

England101 · 20/05/2021 21:34

I think charging a 17 year old who’s on an apprenticeship, 25% rent is a bit harsh. I’m glad your not my parent!! Presumably she’ll have renters right and can come and go as she pleases, have friends/partners over whenever she wants etc.

Whilst studying/just starting out my parents allowed me to live rent free allowing me to save for a deposit which is what my Nan did for my mum. But I suppose people treat their children differently

NeverForgetYourDreams · 20/05/2021 21:44

Correct we don't get child benefit.

MIC2689 · 20/05/2021 21:49

I'm amazed by this if I'm honest OP. You're taking £250 a month from your daughter because you've "got a mortgage to pay" but you're going to essentially give that £250 to your son to go to university. Glad you've at least thought about it enough to post this.

PurpleRainDancer · 20/05/2021 21:51

@SnarkyBag

An apprenticeship wage at that age is very very low and I’d consider her still in a form of education. I think funding one at uni whilst taking money off a low wage apprentice is pretty shit frankly.
This.
gottakeeponmovin · 20/05/2021 22:27

I think that's a hell of a lot to be charging your daughter. Personally I wouldn't be charging my kids anything but if I did it would be a lot less than 25 percent of their income

PlanDeRaccordement · 20/05/2021 22:43

@saraclara
Yes but that “bonus” would have been much larger if left to them to invest in a LISA or other government topped up vehicle. You’ve robbed them of the opportunity of making that money grow...for years....